SOS

This is the first time I've sat down today at work - and my first time opening blogs.  What I'm going to post isn't what I'd planned, but it's what I need to say. 

This morning has been stressful, to say the least.  But in addition to the general Monday morning stress and chaos that always ensues in my place of business, there have been a couple of things which have tapped into my own unique frustration and inner demons that have left me slightly unglued.  In a feelings kind of way.  And guess what has come to mind?  Food.  Not just the beautiful salad I brought today and am currently taken bites of every few sentences here, but the kind that is mind-numbing, binge eliciting, and checking out of whatever "place" I'm currently in.

I don't want to binge.  I don't want to eat sugar and unleash THAT insanity.  But the urge is there.  For now I'm noticing it, reflecting on the morning and exactly when and where I got on the tilt-a-whirl to anxiety and need for obliteration of reality - just for a bit.  My closest friend and AA sponsor Lisa is currently undergoing a chemo-infusion, so it didn't feel quite right to call and dump my poor little wah wah stuff on her.  And then I knew what to do...write it here.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm seeing so much more incisively the uncomfortable feelings to food connection.  I hate that I'm like this, but I is what I is. 

What's amazing today is that I actually picked up the earliest twinges in my psyche of wanting to binge today, long before I have in the past.  I've been doing well with on plan eating, and once my mind is clearer, this stuff comes up for examination a lot.  A LOT.  This is what makes long term staying on plan and then the elusive maintenance so hard.  But I just am making a decision today to not overeat.  For now I think I'll be good til I get home from work, because the on-site store where you can buy crap food closes at 1:30.  Unless I go out (which I can't), there is nothing to binge on.  So it's salad with deli ham and strawberries, and that is good for now.  Thanks for letting me dump that here.