For some reason, I have had a day of pretty substantial GI disturbance at the lower end of the tract...translate: many trips to the ladies room. Now of course this has in no way interfered with my appetite, and I feel completely fine. So far I have kept the food totally on plan and am feeling pretty confident that the way things are "going", my weigh in tomorrow will be pretty decent. No massive loss like the 9 pounds in 6 days prior to my trip to Texas, but I've done okay this week, even before this day of...evacuation.
EXCEPT...I am going to dinner with a close friend tonight to...P.F. Changs. Just typing the letters makes my myriad cells start to take on water. I'm hoping that the fluid retention effect of the nouveau Chinese cuisine will be offset by the day I've had where virtually nothing that has been ingested has stayed in the system very long. Isn't this a delicate way to dance around describing a day of diarrhea?
I've been eating tons of fruit and salads all week, and often when I do that my wittel tummy rebels. Not like it isn't made of cast iron, but after so much fruit and produce for so many days, sh*t happens. Hahaha...I do crack myself up...hey! No pun intended!!
Not much else going on this week except our home internet connection continues to flicker between on and off with increasing lengths of time in the off category. Comcast has been here no less than 4 times, and each time (according to Hubby who works out of the house) they have found significant f-ed up aspects of our connection and allegedly fixed each. I'm actually using wifi in the house for now but fear it could go at any second.
My exercise has been okay this week, but I can definitely tell that the heat and humidity really affect my knees...they've been stiffer than usual. I'm at the 5 month mark from my R knee arthroscopy and 8 months since the L, and they have yet to return to their pre-meniscus-tear statuses. Harumph! For awhile I was almost without any pain or stiffness, but summer has caused some of those unwelcome symptoms to return. And since my 5 mile walk on Sunday at the hilly park, my R hip has also felt a little off. No pain - but minor soreness and weakness. Man...this being 50-something (alright dammit, 55-something) is not for the feint of heart. Until the cartilage tears in my knees this past fall, my body still felt pretty normal. And I'm just enough of a magical thinker to still hope for a return to that status.
Finally, speaking of being a woman of a certain age, cough cough, just yesterday I passed a new development of really beautiful town homes that finally has put up their sign that advertises "Luxury Senior Living for Ages 55 and Up", and I felt like I'd been socked in the stomach. The age categories of demographics almost all stop at "55 and Up". Now senior communities have "lowered" their requirements? Gheeeesh, here I've been excited about my upcoming birthday (next Thursday), and certainly I'd rather be this age than not. But I am in no way a senior citizen. It's hard to believe that I'm where I am chronilogically. That being said, I really hope to be around long enough to hold and spoil not just grandchildren, but GREAT grands too. So I'd better get used to being a used up old broad!
Wow - this was a rambling and disjointed post...very much in keeping with where my head is today. Now I'm off to get ready for my dinner out. Beat the heat, blogging friends.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Life Is Good, even on Monday
Here are the rules: This award requires that I answer the following 10 questions and then pass it on to five other bloggers who demonstrate that life is good! Here goes:
1. What would your perfect day consist of? 72 degrees all day long, clear blue sky, being in a sunlight filled cottage near the beach with my husband and kids. Outside alone, walking just before dawn - 4-5 miles on painfree knees. Then coffee outdoors while in a lounge chair reading. A gathering of friends a little later for breakfast at a beachside restaurant, sitting around laughing and sharing for hours. Family time in the afternoon - walking the beach, coming in later to watch a movie, out to dinner (of course :) to a vegetarian restaurant.
2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing? Danskin exercise clothes
3. What hobbies are you currently working on? I'm always knitting, and always reading. Currently on the needles: a Celtic sweater for my daughter, and socks, which are about my favorite thing to knit. Currently reading The Last Time I Saw You by Elizabeth Berg, with To Kill a Mockingbird on deck.
4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach? Barefoot on the beach. Hands down.
5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree? I love trees, but never hugged or sang to one. My dog? Yes to both and on a daily basis.
6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket? Both - tomatoes and peppers in the garden, farmers' market for the rest.
7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree? Just myself.
8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper? Posh meal in posh restaurant. I love eating out - esp. when it's a GOOD place.
9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water? Can I resonate with 2? Yes I can since this is my blog :) Water and earth. Earth because I'm striving to always keep both feet on the ground - "figuratively" at least. (With my knees, "literally" makes sense as well.)
10. Do you believe in fairies? No, but I absolutely believe in miracles. I see them every day.
Now - to pass this on...
Tammy at From Fat to Fab
Stacia at Swimming it Off
Splurgie at What a Splurge
Roxie at Gravel and Rust
JBS at Journey Beyond Survival
I hope I didn't duplicate give it to someone who's already received it and I could and would give it to every blogger I read because I love all your blogs...anyhow - thanks again. It was a fun exercise!
Speaking of exercise, that 5 mile walk I did at the park yesterday is evident in my thigh muscles today! It feels good, but tells me how quickly I can "go soft" in the strength building arena...I walked a ton in San Antonio, then none for a week, and yesterday's walk (admittedly very hilly and I was clipping right along) really seems to have affected the quads! My food was pretty good yesterday...the one thing I'm thinking of adding to my 2 summer challenge goals is that I need to stop eating after dinner - say by 7:30 at the latest. Nighttime eating is my bugaboo! I can be so clean all day, but after dinner, girlfriend's mind turns to snacking. I was reading Sout Beach Steve's post today and how he has a goal of not eating after his evening post. I don't know what time he posts, but I get the sentiment. I know evening eating is a common "brand" of overeating...that I wish I didn't have a propensity for. So - I'm committing to not eating after 7:30 p.m. tonight - maybe earlier.
Have a good Monday, folks! Only 4 more days until the weekend! And don't worry, I'm still living one day at a time and not in fast forward to Friday mode ;)
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Serene Sunday
Uber quick post today. I confess to never getting to the gym yesterday (for several legitimate reasons), but I just got back from briskly walking the 5 mile loop at Ridley Creek State Park and am pumped! I'm also icing my R knee because it's hurting a bit after the walk. My tee shirt is drenched and my hair is matted with sweat under my baseball cap...I look like a sweaty heap, but I feel good! Now I can have a guilt free afternoon of leisure engineering.
I also got a ton of produce at the local farmers' market early this morning before my aa meeting, which I hadn't done since I got back last Sunday. So in between my extended periods of relaxation and rest today, I'll be doing some food prep for the week, which I never mind doing. Nothing beats summer produce...nuttin', honey! I realize that part of the drudgery I experienced last week was due to not having the usual healthy stuff I stock the kitchen with when I'm working my plan. It's amazing how making marginal food choices, even if I'm not bingeing, can affect my mental and emotional status. Do any of you experience that? Irritability, impatience, vague angst...all these states are greatly heightened when I'm eating highly processed foods. And sugar literally can morph me into a raving lunatic just under the surface. I'm setting myself up for a much better week.
The rest of this post will be some pics from my walk, plus an amazing rainbow that materialized Friday evening during a pop up rain deluge where one half the sky was black and ominous while the other half was brilliantly sunny and clear. Weather is way cool! The pictures definitely don't do the rainbow justice, but you'll get a glimpse of it.
Thought I'd stick in one of the men in the gamily from a couple of weeks ago when Chicago based son (in the middle) was home for a week. Have a great rest of the weekend everyone.
I also got a ton of produce at the local farmers' market early this morning before my aa meeting, which I hadn't done since I got back last Sunday. So in between my extended periods of relaxation and rest today, I'll be doing some food prep for the week, which I never mind doing. Nothing beats summer produce...nuttin', honey! I realize that part of the drudgery I experienced last week was due to not having the usual healthy stuff I stock the kitchen with when I'm working my plan. It's amazing how making marginal food choices, even if I'm not bingeing, can affect my mental and emotional status. Do any of you experience that? Irritability, impatience, vague angst...all these states are greatly heightened when I'm eating highly processed foods. And sugar literally can morph me into a raving lunatic just under the surface. I'm setting myself up for a much better week.
The rest of this post will be some pics from my walk, plus an amazing rainbow that materialized Friday evening during a pop up rain deluge where one half the sky was black and ominous while the other half was brilliantly sunny and clear. Weather is way cool! The pictures definitely don't do the rainbow justice, but you'll get a glimpse of it.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I AM a weight LOSS blogger!
After all my stream-of-conscious musings and trips down memory lane, I'm starting to feel again like I want to be a weight loss blogger...emphasis on LOSS! I've whined and recalled and confessed and all sorts of other keyboard ramblings since returning from my Mountaintop Weekend last Sunday. What I haven't done is recommit and reapply myself to the journey down the scale and the climb up the exercise ladder.
I reported that I gained 3.5 pounds upon returning from SA which didn't upset me too much, but I haven't been on the scale since. Guess why??? Come on - you know....I've been crap eating and not exercising at all this week. I have a laundry list ofexcuses reasons for my floundering. All you have to do is look back to my posts this week - no internet, wah wah; my job sucks, wah, wah; my mommy didn't meet all my needs and then up and died while I was still young, wah wah. There are a ton more totally valid reasons that I will spare you from hearing. Bottom line - I've been lazy, moody, irritable. And it comes as no surprise that as I typed those words, the thought rapidly followed that clean eating and daily exercise would have helped those "conditions" of laziness, moodiness and irritability! Sufferin' succotash, why didn't I think of that sooner?
So this morning, with the unexpected gift of continued working internet access, I've caught up on a lot of blog reading and commenting. Seeing others' progress, victories and achievement of weekly goals has produced the desired effect of kicking my a$$ back into gear. So many people are just chugging along, meeting weekly goals, losing bits of weight each week, moving more. The whole reason I've entered this community has manifested great results just from my hour reading and commenting. I'm ready, willing and definitely able to resume what I was doing for that week before my trip to SA - eating less and moving more. That week of doing what I've intended to be doing for a long time but hade been not doing yielded some pretty fantastic results. I liked posting a big weight loss and coming back to all those "congratulations" and "wow!' comments.
So I'm heading to the gym since it's raining buckets and is supposed to keep doing so most of the day. I'm going to restock the fruit and vegetable stash I usually keep on hand, and do some food prep for the next week so lunches and dinners are partially done ahead of time. This always works well for me, so if it ain't broke, why not keep doing it?
In my heart of hearts, I want to free my inner healthy slim woman from the bondage of overweight, sluggishness and the prison I create for myself in my mind because I'm not where I want to be yet. I know I can do this because I've done it. I'm glad to feel my enthusiasm and desire back.
I reported that I gained 3.5 pounds upon returning from SA which didn't upset me too much, but I haven't been on the scale since. Guess why??? Come on - you know....I've been crap eating and not exercising at all this week. I have a laundry list of
So this morning, with the unexpected gift of continued working internet access, I've caught up on a lot of blog reading and commenting. Seeing others' progress, victories and achievement of weekly goals has produced the desired effect of kicking my a$$ back into gear. So many people are just chugging along, meeting weekly goals, losing bits of weight each week, moving more. The whole reason I've entered this community has manifested great results just from my hour reading and commenting. I'm ready, willing and definitely able to resume what I was doing for that week before my trip to SA - eating less and moving more. That week of doing what I've intended to be doing for a long time but hade been not doing yielded some pretty fantastic results. I liked posting a big weight loss and coming back to all those "congratulations" and "wow!' comments.
So I'm heading to the gym since it's raining buckets and is supposed to keep doing so most of the day. I'm going to restock the fruit and vegetable stash I usually keep on hand, and do some food prep for the next week so lunches and dinners are partially done ahead of time. This always works well for me, so if it ain't broke, why not keep doing it?
In my heart of hearts, I want to free my inner healthy slim woman from the bondage of overweight, sluggishness and the prison I create for myself in my mind because I'm not where I want to be yet. I know I can do this because I've done it. I'm glad to feel my enthusiasm and desire back.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Orbiting the planet
This is long, but it seems I was ready to share some of my baggage today, though it wasn't on my planner to do so. Feel free to fast forward if serious isn't your thang...
This has been a wonky week in the life of this blogger. And what does that mean?? Merriam-Webster on line defines wonky as: unsteady or shaky, from a British derivation of the German term wankon, which means "to totter". While these definitions don't specify it, I expect they refer to a physical state of being. I, on the other hand, am referring to my emotional state of being. It's been a weird week in several realms of my life...overall I have felt sort "off the beam" in my day to day activities. The uncomfortableness of this is heightened by my mountaintop experience last weekend at the AA convention. I came home literally walking a foot off the ground. Clear, optimistic, deeply peaceful and spiritually connected. Well, as they say in AA, keep your seat belt fastened, because the sober journey is the ride of your life. Actually LIFE is the ride of your life! And you may quote me on that.
I mentioned in my last post that work has been experiencing major suckage in my mind, and in the minds of most with whom I work. There is a huge renovation underway in our building (an o-o-o-o-old school) that is including asbestos abatement, creating new windows and doors in classrooms, and so on. It seems that our administration or whoever calls the shots have been at the pinnacle of their endless ineffectual operations in the planning of this huge endeavor, and problems and drama are the rule of each day. Yesterday when I pulled into the parking lot, there were firetrucks with flashing lights, police cars, other first responders...and many people milling about.
Turns out there was a weird smell and haze in the bldg that caused one of the first people to walk in to have a major asthma attack, so as a precaution, all these special responders and technicians were called in STAT to assess the air quality in every inch of the place. This was as large vans were pulling in to deposit clients for the day and staff were arriving. The way it played out...we stood outside (92 degrees by 8:30 a.m.) until 10:15 when the building was deemed safe by the powers that be and we were allowed to enter and start the day. I could detail this to the n-th degree, but suffice to say that this latest shindig managed to shave off the last veneer of morale and respect for the place any I (or anyone else) was clinging to. People. Not. Happy. Lots of complaining and grousing by the masses, of which I was one.
Why am I droning on about this? Hell if I know...this stuff just exuded forth through the digits. The work event was surreal, which is how things are seeming this week. Bizarre and dreamlike. Maybe it's the heat and humidity, or the inevitable crash that follows a mountaintop experience, or even the fact that this is my birthday month and though my "new age" is not significant in the sense that it will end with a "0" or even a "5", it holds huge significance in my personal journey and evolution. This birthday has been looming in my emotional landscape for a very long time.
I'll be 57. The reason that this is so laden with emotion and meaning for me is that my mom did not live to be 57. She died at age 56 years and 9 months of age. I was 23, an only child, and had taken a leave of absence from my real life (that included living with my boyfriend of about 6 years at the time and a new job as an RN on a Pediatric Oncology unit at the University of Florida's teaching hospital) to go home and care for her during her last 6 weeks with metastatic cancer. She died January 15, 1977... 3 months and 2 days before her next birthday. That whole year became one that made me extremely happy to say goodbye to it on New Year's Eve going into 1978. It was hard, sad, lonely, and life altering. I began questioning everything I thought I knew. It occurred to me that the only person in the world who had any blood relation to me and allegedly "loved me" was gone (even though my boyfriend at the time loved me; my friends loved me...remember, feelings aren't necessarily rational). It was a year that I walked into a community mental health center several months after Mom's death fearing I was losing my mind. Daughter's first therapy ensued. Rough year.
My relationship with my mom was charged...I never doubted she loved me, but I knew at some level that she didn't necessarily like me. I've always said she wanted a daughter but that I didn't think she wanted the daughter she got. I'm not going for sympathy here, folks. Rather I'm recounting my feelings and my "truth" then, and to some extent, now. She was also an only child and her dad was a tough and mean man. He was mean to me...I can only imagine what went down for Mom. She was afraid to confront him about things. The only grandmother I knew was a step grandmother, his second wife. Even when I was too young to get all the connections, I never liked her nor warmed up to her, and neither did my mom (which I'm sure influenced me to some degree). So Mom clearly had a rough go of it herself. But at the age of 23, while she was still here and before she got so sick, I wasn't all that interested in or cognizant of that. I never asked her about herself the way I would now. The way I've always been SINCE I GREW UP.
Anyway, my mom and I became closer in my late teens and early 20s, but always our relationship was always strained, and she didn't trust me to do things like drive. I did get my drivers' license at 16, but she NEVER let me drive her car, claiming I didn't have the sense to drive attentively. Hmmm, the Florida Department of Transportation didn't have any problem issuing me a license the first time I tested for it. But she'd never let me take her car, even after I was an RN, home taking care of her while she was dying..lifting her into the bathtub, cooking, giving her shots for pain. There was at last a morning where my own car was being fixed, and we needed something for her, and she said, "Just take my car." "Really?" I asked. "Go ahead," she replied. And to myself I thought, "She's going to be dead within the week." She was. She couldn't let go of her notions about me until close to the end, when she realized I'd be the one sorting through her life after she passed. But with the consent to driver her car, I knew at a deep level that she was giving me a nod of love and acceptance after watching me and being with me those last 6 weeks when I became her private duty nurse as well as her scatterbrained daughter.
Anyway, I know she had very low self esteem, was quite a drinker, and always searching for "something" that I don't think she ever found. She had a razor sharp wit, and great sense of humor. Readers may or may not realize that in many ways, I'm a lot like her. But I finally have found what I was looking for all those years in bottles, cupcakes, cigarettes and even drugs for a bit. Yet within our similarities lies the rub of my spiritual itchiness as I approach my 57th birthday.
Even though my life has unfolded very differently than did hers in a thousand ways, our similarities have led me to fear that her essence permeated me so completely that I'm destined to live HER life. Sounds crazy, and in my head I can enumerate countless ways that our lives have been and are entirely different... I always vowed to never have an only child...once my daughter was born I was on a mission to have another child so as not to repeat the pattern. I got sober and have an incredibly full rich life. I've stopped a probably long cycle of distant parenting by doing a hell of a lot of work on myself. I could go on and on about how and why we're different. But in my heart and soul, the fear has remained that I'm doomed to live it out as she did. Which means...not living to see 57.
This is a very old story of my life, and I assure you all of this material (of which what I've written is but the iceberg's tip) has been examined and discussed and felt and contemplated and therapized for many years. I'm really okay now - I think I've turned out great, and better yet, my family does too. MY family, that is different entirely from the one I shared with my mom. I'm blessed, lucky, and have received unwarranted gifts that my mom didn't have. I've also had to do a lot of hard painful work. And despite all the work and immense healing, vestiges of the murky past have lingered long past their welcome.
I think my mom and I would have become good friends had she lived longer. As I got over being an obnoxious teenager and a know-it-all twenty something, I might have become interested and able to hear her story. But that's not how my own was written. As I'm now within 2 weeks of hitting 57, I'm believing it might really happen. That maybe I'm not destined to buy the farm at too young an age when there is still much living left, like there could have been for her. Maybe I'll get to see my children marry, have kids, spoil my grandchildren, travel with my husband the way we've always planned. I'm not sure if I have survivor's guilt or simple gratitude for my life being as it is. Mixed with sadness at not being able to reach out to my mom the way so many wonderful folks have reached out to me over the years, offering kindness, love, and an interested and listening ear.
Ah forgiveness - self and others. I hope it's not too late to offer it out even to those who've already gone to the next realm. Best to practice it fully while I'm still in this sphere.
This has been a wonky week in the life of this blogger. And what does that mean?? Merriam-Webster on line defines wonky as: unsteady or shaky, from a British derivation of the German term wankon, which means "to totter". While these definitions don't specify it, I expect they refer to a physical state of being. I, on the other hand, am referring to my emotional state of being. It's been a weird week in several realms of my life...overall I have felt sort "off the beam" in my day to day activities. The uncomfortableness of this is heightened by my mountaintop experience last weekend at the AA convention. I came home literally walking a foot off the ground. Clear, optimistic, deeply peaceful and spiritually connected. Well, as they say in AA, keep your seat belt fastened, because the sober journey is the ride of your life. Actually LIFE is the ride of your life! And you may quote me on that.
I mentioned in my last post that work has been experiencing major suckage in my mind, and in the minds of most with whom I work. There is a huge renovation underway in our building (an o-o-o-o-old school) that is including asbestos abatement, creating new windows and doors in classrooms, and so on. It seems that our administration or whoever calls the shots have been at the pinnacle of their endless ineffectual operations in the planning of this huge endeavor, and problems and drama are the rule of each day. Yesterday when I pulled into the parking lot, there were firetrucks with flashing lights, police cars, other first responders...and many people milling about.
Turns out there was a weird smell and haze in the bldg that caused one of the first people to walk in to have a major asthma attack, so as a precaution, all these special responders and technicians were called in STAT to assess the air quality in every inch of the place. This was as large vans were pulling in to deposit clients for the day and staff were arriving. The way it played out...we stood outside (92 degrees by 8:30 a.m.) until 10:15 when the building was deemed safe by the powers that be and we were allowed to enter and start the day. I could detail this to the n-th degree, but suffice to say that this latest shindig managed to shave off the last veneer of morale and respect for the place any I (or anyone else) was clinging to. People. Not. Happy. Lots of complaining and grousing by the masses, of which I was one.
Why am I droning on about this? Hell if I know...this stuff just exuded forth through the digits. The work event was surreal, which is how things are seeming this week. Bizarre and dreamlike. Maybe it's the heat and humidity, or the inevitable crash that follows a mountaintop experience, or even the fact that this is my birthday month and though my "new age" is not significant in the sense that it will end with a "0" or even a "5", it holds huge significance in my personal journey and evolution. This birthday has been looming in my emotional landscape for a very long time.
I'll be 57. The reason that this is so laden with emotion and meaning for me is that my mom did not live to be 57. She died at age 56 years and 9 months of age. I was 23, an only child, and had taken a leave of absence from my real life (that included living with my boyfriend of about 6 years at the time and a new job as an RN on a Pediatric Oncology unit at the University of Florida's teaching hospital) to go home and care for her during her last 6 weeks with metastatic cancer. She died January 15, 1977... 3 months and 2 days before her next birthday. That whole year became one that made me extremely happy to say goodbye to it on New Year's Eve going into 1978. It was hard, sad, lonely, and life altering. I began questioning everything I thought I knew. It occurred to me that the only person in the world who had any blood relation to me and allegedly "loved me" was gone (even though my boyfriend at the time loved me; my friends loved me...remember, feelings aren't necessarily rational). It was a year that I walked into a community mental health center several months after Mom's death fearing I was losing my mind. Daughter's first therapy ensued. Rough year.
My relationship with my mom was charged...I never doubted she loved me, but I knew at some level that she didn't necessarily like me. I've always said she wanted a daughter but that I didn't think she wanted the daughter she got. I'm not going for sympathy here, folks. Rather I'm recounting my feelings and my "truth" then, and to some extent, now. She was also an only child and her dad was a tough and mean man. He was mean to me...I can only imagine what went down for Mom. She was afraid to confront him about things. The only grandmother I knew was a step grandmother, his second wife. Even when I was too young to get all the connections, I never liked her nor warmed up to her, and neither did my mom (which I'm sure influenced me to some degree). So Mom clearly had a rough go of it herself. But at the age of 23, while she was still here and before she got so sick, I wasn't all that interested in or cognizant of that. I never asked her about herself the way I would now. The way I've always been SINCE I GREW UP.
Anyway, my mom and I became closer in my late teens and early 20s, but always our relationship was always strained, and she didn't trust me to do things like drive. I did get my drivers' license at 16, but she NEVER let me drive her car, claiming I didn't have the sense to drive attentively. Hmmm, the Florida Department of Transportation didn't have any problem issuing me a license the first time I tested for it. But she'd never let me take her car, even after I was an RN, home taking care of her while she was dying..lifting her into the bathtub, cooking, giving her shots for pain. There was at last a morning where my own car was being fixed, and we needed something for her, and she said, "Just take my car." "Really?" I asked. "Go ahead," she replied. And to myself I thought, "She's going to be dead within the week." She was. She couldn't let go of her notions about me until close to the end, when she realized I'd be the one sorting through her life after she passed. But with the consent to driver her car, I knew at a deep level that she was giving me a nod of love and acceptance after watching me and being with me those last 6 weeks when I became her private duty nurse as well as her scatterbrained daughter.
Anyway, I know she had very low self esteem, was quite a drinker, and always searching for "something" that I don't think she ever found. She had a razor sharp wit, and great sense of humor. Readers may or may not realize that in many ways, I'm a lot like her. But I finally have found what I was looking for all those years in bottles, cupcakes, cigarettes and even drugs for a bit. Yet within our similarities lies the rub of my spiritual itchiness as I approach my 57th birthday.
Even though my life has unfolded very differently than did hers in a thousand ways, our similarities have led me to fear that her essence permeated me so completely that I'm destined to live HER life. Sounds crazy, and in my head I can enumerate countless ways that our lives have been and are entirely different... I always vowed to never have an only child...once my daughter was born I was on a mission to have another child so as not to repeat the pattern. I got sober and have an incredibly full rich life. I've stopped a probably long cycle of distant parenting by doing a hell of a lot of work on myself. I could go on and on about how and why we're different. But in my heart and soul, the fear has remained that I'm doomed to live it out as she did. Which means...not living to see 57.
This is a very old story of my life, and I assure you all of this material (of which what I've written is but the iceberg's tip) has been examined and discussed and felt and contemplated and therapized for many years. I'm really okay now - I think I've turned out great, and better yet, my family does too. MY family, that is different entirely from the one I shared with my mom. I'm blessed, lucky, and have received unwarranted gifts that my mom didn't have. I've also had to do a lot of hard painful work. And despite all the work and immense healing, vestiges of the murky past have lingered long past their welcome.
I think my mom and I would have become good friends had she lived longer. As I got over being an obnoxious teenager and a know-it-all twenty something, I might have become interested and able to hear her story. But that's not how my own was written. As I'm now within 2 weeks of hitting 57, I'm believing it might really happen. That maybe I'm not destined to buy the farm at too young an age when there is still much living left, like there could have been for her. Maybe I'll get to see my children marry, have kids, spoil my grandchildren, travel with my husband the way we've always planned. I'm not sure if I have survivor's guilt or simple gratitude for my life being as it is. Mixed with sadness at not being able to reach out to my mom the way so many wonderful folks have reached out to me over the years, offering kindness, love, and an interested and listening ear.
Ah forgiveness - self and others. I hope it's not too late to offer it out even to those who've already gone to the next realm. Best to practice it fully while I'm still in this sphere.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Whiny Wednesday
I almost need to do a rant post about my job and the endless serious problems that are surfacing, but you dear blog friends don't deserve to hear that kind of thing. You're innocent and blameless. Suffice it to say I'm starting to look around for different employment. I have a great deal here with my hours, salary and benefits. I also love most of the people with whom I work and our clients. But there are big problems at the administrative level that are causing extremely low morale among staff, and the directors of my part of the program just can't firmly stand up in the face of admin. and represent us. Wah, wah, wah.
The main thing I want to say today is that our Internet has been down at home since before I left for San Antonio, so I can do no blog reading or writing or anything else online, for that matter, when I'm home. I have a laptop, but there is a limit to how long and how many times a day I can hit Starbucks and have a serving of WIFI! This means that my blog reading is down by about 90%, and therefore so is my commenting. I try to catch up on my top 10 or so, but I'm even struggling with that. So I want to apologize for not being as consistent a reader and commenter as is my usual style, and hope that on Friday when the Comcast guy comes FOR THE 2ND TIME, the situation will be remedied. Gheesh!
Is it me or is the world going to hell in a handbasket right now? I think that's why the San Antonio trip was so therapeutic...no internet problems, no work crap, no grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, no news watching to witness endless more barrels of oil torpedo into the beautiful Gulf of Mexico. I actually "forgot" how complex and difficult life can get at times. I guess that's part of the definition of a true "getaway"...being removed from the day to day intensity.
I haven't been able to get to the gym since back and won't again today because of other commitments like visiting a friend in the hospital who broke her pelvis. And we're having our 2nd day in a row of 100+ temps and high humidity, so even a brisk neighborhood walk seems treacherous and ill-advised. They said on the news this morning that we'll get a "break" tomorrow, as the temp is only going to the high 90s. Really? That's a break? Seems once you hit 95 with humidity, it all feels oppressive. But the ozone warnings will be lifted, and I won't feel like I'm going against medical advice to venture outdoors for longer than the time it takes to get from one air conditioned venue to the next.
I can hear myself sounding like a negative Nancy here, so I'm going to sign off. Actually things aren't so bad, and once I leave work, they'll get a lot better in a hot minute! My food was pretty good yesterday and so far today. I'll be back on my Friday weighing this week and hopefully things will start moving in the right direction. Stay cool kids!
The main thing I want to say today is that our Internet has been down at home since before I left for San Antonio, so I can do no blog reading or writing or anything else online, for that matter, when I'm home. I have a laptop, but there is a limit to how long and how many times a day I can hit Starbucks and have a serving of WIFI! This means that my blog reading is down by about 90%, and therefore so is my commenting. I try to catch up on my top 10 or so, but I'm even struggling with that. So I want to apologize for not being as consistent a reader and commenter as is my usual style, and hope that on Friday when the Comcast guy comes FOR THE 2ND TIME, the situation will be remedied. Gheesh!
Is it me or is the world going to hell in a handbasket right now? I think that's why the San Antonio trip was so therapeutic...no internet problems, no work crap, no grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, no news watching to witness endless more barrels of oil torpedo into the beautiful Gulf of Mexico. I actually "forgot" how complex and difficult life can get at times. I guess that's part of the definition of a true "getaway"...being removed from the day to day intensity.
I haven't been able to get to the gym since back and won't again today because of other commitments like visiting a friend in the hospital who broke her pelvis. And we're having our 2nd day in a row of 100+ temps and high humidity, so even a brisk neighborhood walk seems treacherous and ill-advised. They said on the news this morning that we'll get a "break" tomorrow, as the temp is only going to the high 90s. Really? That's a break? Seems once you hit 95 with humidity, it all feels oppressive. But the ozone warnings will be lifted, and I won't feel like I'm going against medical advice to venture outdoors for longer than the time it takes to get from one air conditioned venue to the next.
I can hear myself sounding like a negative Nancy here, so I'm going to sign off. Actually things aren't so bad, and once I leave work, they'll get a lot better in a hot minute! My food was pretty good yesterday and so far today. I'll be back on my Friday weighing this week and hopefully things will start moving in the right direction. Stay cool kids!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Re-entry complete
Nothing like being back at work and having a hundred total bullsh*t problems arise because of other people's awfulness and incompetence human mistakes to jolt one back to reality from the Nirvana of a mini vacay that was not only a blast, but spiritually grounding, informative, inspiring and loving. When I posted yesterday, I was literally still walking around on Pink Cloud Nine (translate: better than just a pink cloud or cloud nine which are both pretty darn good) and feeling so filled up with WHAT I NEED that I was wondering if blogging would still be necessary to my optimal contentment and functioning.
Well here I am - back to it and happy to be here FOR REAL! Loving your comments, thrilled that I got my first comment ever from blogging rockstar Miz!!!!! (Hi Miz, I didn't know you knew I existed!), and happy to have this slate upon which I can carve my reality as it unfolds a day at a time. I do have so much to talk about after being filled way beyond capacity with energy and enthusiasm for AA, not to mention a zillion things I didn't know and more of that old time AA wisdom than I knew existed. Don't worry, I won't write a 475 paragraph postboring you to death telling you the minutiae of the whole experience. Rather I expect it will percolate up and out through my fingers over time. That seems to be how I write...off on a topic that reminds me of something that sends me down another path, which then pries loose some other wannabe brilliant thing...repeat as tolerated.
I'll recount one quick story of my life as a tourist in San Antonio where I'm glad to say I wasn't alone in the decision-making process of what we were going to do Saturday afternoon. 3 friends (with whom I hung most of the time) and I had gone to a huge AA meeting from 11:30 to 1:00, and had the afternoon spanning out full of promise and time. We of course wanted to see the Alamo, plus the adjacent historic Menger Hotel where one of the gal's sponsor was staying. Also on the agenda was a meeting we all wanted to attend at 3:30 (on Building Character, which turned out to be awesome!). Time was tight, and there was the not unimportant matter of lunch that we were all Jonesing for as well.
We first went and zipped through the hotel, which was clearly grand and beautiful in its day but smelled of thestale and nasty smoke of the millions of cigarettes and cigars that had been smoked there over the 151 years of its existence, cough cough. Just across the street was the Alamo, the grounds of which we entered through the side and into the back yard where there are beautiful gardens and lots of huge gorgeous old trees. As we wandered around the to the front of the building, we saw 2 IMPORTANT things...a l-o-o-o-o-ng line to get into the actual Alamo, and a Haagen Dazs store on the opposite corner. Enter SERIOUS TIME MANAGEMENT PROBLEM.. We were all hungry for real food. We wanted to see the Alamo but the line was going nowhere. Fast. We wanted to go to the meeting back at the convention at 3:30 and it was already about 2:35. And Haagen Dazs.
It took this group of 4 recovering alcoholics about 20 seconds to decide...Haagen Dazs first (we'd get real food for dinner), then walk back for the meeting and catch the Alamo next time in San An. And it all turned out great. We got a coveted table with 4 sticky chairs upon which to perch while we moaned in ecstasy as our various ice cream confections slid down our parched throats. We ran into several folks from back home as we walked back to the convention center. And as mentioned above, the meeting we attended was just incredible. Victory scored for the Pennsylvania 4! We laughed as we ate our ice cream over how once the Haagen Dazs had come into focus as we stood on hallowed historic ground, we each silently thought (and it turns out simultaneously) that we should just chuck the Alamo in favor of more fleshy pleasures...or flesh producing pleasures.
Finally for today - I did get on the scale this morning and was 207. I was 203.5 the morning I left for Texas. So a 3 1/2 pound gain, part of which I likely incurred yesterday back on home turf. Given my remarkable talent for packing on a ridiculous number of pounds over a few short days, this did not upset me at all. I'm back on track today and glad to be. The overall renewal with which the trip gifted me finds me feeling strong and solidly back to wanting to whittle away at this weight loss now. So re-entry has been smooth, after a rocky start yesterday where I was emotional, tired, and not sure I was ready to be back. Now I'm glad to be right where I am.
Well here I am - back to it and happy to be here FOR REAL! Loving your comments, thrilled that I got my first comment ever from blogging rockstar Miz!!!!! (Hi Miz, I didn't know you knew I existed!), and happy to have this slate upon which I can carve my reality as it unfolds a day at a time. I do have so much to talk about after being filled way beyond capacity with energy and enthusiasm for AA, not to mention a zillion things I didn't know and more of that old time AA wisdom than I knew existed. Don't worry, I won't write a 475 paragraph post
I'll recount one quick story of my life as a tourist in San Antonio where I'm glad to say I wasn't alone in the decision-making process of what we were going to do Saturday afternoon. 3 friends (with whom I hung most of the time) and I had gone to a huge AA meeting from 11:30 to 1:00, and had the afternoon spanning out full of promise and time. We of course wanted to see the Alamo, plus the adjacent historic Menger Hotel where one of the gal's sponsor was staying. Also on the agenda was a meeting we all wanted to attend at 3:30 (on Building Character, which turned out to be awesome!). Time was tight, and there was the not unimportant matter of lunch that we were all Jonesing for as well.
We first went and zipped through the hotel, which was clearly grand and beautiful in its day but smelled of the
It took this group of 4 recovering alcoholics about 20 seconds to decide...Haagen Dazs first (we'd get real food for dinner), then walk back for the meeting and catch the Alamo next time in San An. And it all turned out great. We got a coveted table with 4 sticky chairs upon which to perch while we moaned in ecstasy as our various ice cream confections slid down our parched throats. We ran into several folks from back home as we walked back to the convention center. And as mentioned above, the meeting we attended was just incredible. Victory scored for the Pennsylvania 4! We laughed as we ate our ice cream over how once the Haagen Dazs had come into focus as we stood on hallowed historic ground, we each silently thought (and it turns out simultaneously) that we should just chuck the Alamo in favor of more fleshy pleasures...or flesh producing pleasures.
Finally for today - I did get on the scale this morning and was 207. I was 203.5 the morning I left for Texas. So a 3 1/2 pound gain, part of which I likely incurred yesterday back on home turf. Given my remarkable talent for packing on a ridiculous number of pounds over a few short days, this did not upset me at all. I'm back on track today and glad to be. The overall renewal with which the trip gifted me finds me feeling strong and solidly back to wanting to whittle away at this weight loss now. So re-entry has been smooth, after a rocky start yesterday where I was emotional, tired, and not sure I was ready to be back. Now I'm glad to be right where I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)