Okay. I'm tired of not posting, though I'm not sure what I have to write about. I keep commenting on others' blogs, and feel jealous that those folks have interesting comments to read!! Last night at dinner, Hubby asked me, "What's happening with your blog?" Um, not a whole lot, darling. He went on to ask how I was feeding my writing jones, and it dawned on me that I wasn't, and haven't been for awhile. And that I miss it. This is a rare situation over which I have power! So here I is, happy to be back in the blogging realm.
It's been an interesting summer, what with kids being home and then leaving - really leaving - for distant places. The empty nest I've craved for so long feels too empty now. Too quiet. Like it's time to fill it with some grandchildren or something, but that isn't likely to happen for awhile, even though all 3 of our kids are in pretty serious and committed relationships. No engagements or weddings yet, and while I know marriage isn't necessarily a prerequisite for having children, we old fashioned grandparent wannabes would certainly like for our grandchildren to come along in that traditional way. Especially hubby, who actually should have been around in the Victorian Age, where propriety and rigid moral tenets ruled the days (allegedly - I'm pretty sure a lot of fooling around went on then, too). I digress...all 3 kids are doing fine, and I miss them like crazy. The empty nest would be a lot better if the kids were living within a 4 hour drive said domicile. Or even across town. Maybe someday.
Hmmm - I'm getting overly wordy here, which makes me think it's been too long since I've sat down to just write stuff other than work related emails and such.
Our daughter is officially ex-Peace Corps Volunteer, having closed her service in mid May. Originally we thought she'd be coming back to the states and be wherever her Dominican boyfriend ended up in MBA school. Turns out he only applied to the very top MBA programs (he already has a Masters in Econ.), and while he got interviews at the top 3 (Wharton, Stanford and Kellogg at Northwestern), he didn't get in any this year, so will continue in his current job and apply for 2013. This meant that the goo-goo eyed couple would have to be long distance lovers, unless...Jean decided to stay and get a job in Santo Domingo. Which is what has happened. She's teaching at a bi-lingual school - 3 separate AP classes. Good grief - one AP would be daunting, but 3! She has 2 sections of AP Lit, one English, and one US History. I can't imagine the prep work involved, but she's pretty excited, and also able to not get too overwhelmed because she knows she'll only do this for one year, after which she and Cesar will come to the US. I hope! She's blissfully happy with Cesar, and we love him too. Great guy from a great family. Stay tuned.
Oldest son Stephen is working on his cousin's farm in Berea, Kentucky. This is a good arrangement for him, and puts him closer than the organic farm he worked on in Northern California last year. We're hoping that he'll decide to finish up his college degree in Berea while he's at it, but wouldn't dare say that too him! It's great that he's with family - just keeps the ties closer.
Baby boy Mark (who turns 24 on the 30th of this month) is in the Republic of Georgia (over near Russia), teaching ESL at a public school in a small town. His chose Georgia b/c his girlfriend who just joined the Peace Corps got sent there, and she'll be doing the same thing. Her permanent site turns out to be less than an hour from Mark's placement, so they are able to get together fairly often. He is the hardest one for us to connect with - we cannot talk on the phone, and his internet availability is sparse at best. The only way we communicate is via email, and occasional Google chat - but no where near often enough. I actually feel a visceral longing to talk to him - it's the farthest away, in every sense, any of my children have ever been, and just writing this is making me well up. Our family is very close, and we stay in touch a good bit, so this is really hard - having one we can't access easily by some technological method! He's doing fine - and once in awhile he posts something on Facebook, or Brittany (gf) writes a blog post and puts up pictures that include Mark. Even she has limited internet access, despite the Peace Corps connection.
Whoa - it sounds like I'm writing a Christmas card letter! I think I needed to document some of this stuff to sort it our in my head. Thanks for indulging me - or just skipping this logorrhea and not judging!
I haven't been on the scale in over 2 weeks. My too large size clothes are fitting like always. I'm been lingering in 205-208 range which means maintaining at a place I'd rather not be. I'm ready to get back to working on losing weight again. I've been getting lots of exercise which has likely helped me maintain rather than gain. Summer is usually a good time for me to drop some pounds, but this summer I'm grateful to have stayed put. End of spring I was around 216 which is definitely the YIKES zone, so at least I've gotten that excess off and will not find it again!
That's it for now. Hubby leaves tomorrow for a full 7 day business trip to Big Spring, Texas, speaking of the empty nest. I usually love when he's away, but 7 days is a bit much. However I'll survive and THRIVE, because I can keep dinners simple and without the potatoes and meat that he really likes. I've actually gotten into tofu, and have been eating almost no animal meat (but yes to dairy and eggs), and loving that. Have a good weekend friends!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
21 Gun Salute
I've been reading and commenting, but not posting for a bit, and not missing posting too much. Maybe it's summer, maybe my words have dried up temporarily (the written ones only, because I've still been yakkative as always!). But today is a biggie for me that I've shared on my blog since I started it in 2009, and I'm feeling just darned good enough about myself to tell my blog buds...
Today I am celebrating 21 years of sobriety! Feels great. August 5, 1991 was a very dark day for me. I'd hit yet another embarrassing bottom with alcohol and felt lower than a snake's belly. How could I know when I stumbled in to an AA meeting I'd started attending a couple of months before and confessed that I'd "done it again" that it was the beginning of a new life for me? I'd tried a thousand times on my own. I'd tried a couple times in AA. I seriously doubted that I even wanted to stop drinking, but I knew I wanted to stop hurting, and that I wanted my life to stop being a mess. Could it really be the booze that was dragging me down?
To this day, I don't know why then, why me, why not me....but I do know that very slowly, VERY slowly, I began to get better. I went back to a meeting the next day - which I hadn't done before. Why? Hell if I know. I (and countless other recovering friends) feel immensely grateful, truly in awe of the gift of sobriety, and quite literally like I was chosen by God for this. Didn't deserve it, didn't even want it.
But I sure want it now.
Today I am celebrating 21 years of sobriety! Feels great. August 5, 1991 was a very dark day for me. I'd hit yet another embarrassing bottom with alcohol and felt lower than a snake's belly. How could I know when I stumbled in to an AA meeting I'd started attending a couple of months before and confessed that I'd "done it again" that it was the beginning of a new life for me? I'd tried a thousand times on my own. I'd tried a couple times in AA. I seriously doubted that I even wanted to stop drinking, but I knew I wanted to stop hurting, and that I wanted my life to stop being a mess. Could it really be the booze that was dragging me down?
To this day, I don't know why then, why me, why not me....but I do know that very slowly, VERY slowly, I began to get better. I went back to a meeting the next day - which I hadn't done before. Why? Hell if I know. I (and countless other recovering friends) feel immensely grateful, truly in awe of the gift of sobriety, and quite literally like I was chosen by God for this. Didn't deserve it, didn't even want it.
But I sure want it now.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Movin' on down the road
Hi all - Checking back in after being away for 10 days over the last week and a half. Our trip to Atlanta was fine and I did feel as good in my own skin with the "beautiful in-laws" as I ever had. They're great people; I love them; they love me and I truly believe that. This is big progress, folks. After blogging for just over 3 years, I can see how far I've come in self knowledge and self acceptance. I belong to the human race AND to my family as much as anyone. I'm not trying to convince myself of that - I believe it and I very happily and gratefully own it.
I've written many pre-Atlanta trip posts about how beautiful, smart and comprehensively attractive in every way my husband's family is and how I always have felt unworthy of being counted among their ranks. The reality is that from my youngest days (think post-toddler capacity for very early snippets of memory) I always felt that way. Regardless of how my feelings did or did not represent reality - I grew up believing I was unattractive (at best) and essentially different and less than the rest of humanity. Whatever got passed out when one was born didn't get included in my life's dowry by the Great Giver of All Gifts. Sad but true. I'm not blaming anyone or anything - it was what it was, in my twisted little mind.
I've spent virtually all of my adolescent and adult years working on myself. In the early days, the work was about escaping the reality of my self-applied sullied essence. Food worked; alcohol and assorted other substances also helped my create a persona that seemed acceptable. Profound people pleasing tendencies, right down to agreeing with everything you said so I'd be deemed okay and "a part of" rather than "apart from" was a strategy I honed to precision. I kept the balls in the air with these tactics for a long time, but eventually the absence of a true core and any genuine knowledge of self began to unravel my self constructed facade of "normal person with a touch of edge".
If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I've been in and out of therapy over the years. Back in 1991 I began a journey I never knew I really needed (or wanted to make) by starting to go to AA meetings at the suggestion of the therapist I was currently seeing. (Good girl people pleasers do what their therapists suggest...) I even quit drinking after starting to go to the meetings, and my life began a real genuine glacial move towards the light. LIGHT. And I actually found the path that has led me to myself.
Obviously as a blogger about my less than successful weight loss endeavors, there is more to do. My earliest coping mechanism of overeating is still deeply grooved in my neural pathways. But I'm coming to see that caring about, knowing and loving who I am greatly increases the liklihood that I will stay the course of the journey and find the weight loss and peace with food I've long sought. It's already happening. The way I am right now, today, is fine. I can get better. I can stay the same. But I won't backslide. I can't do that to someone I love.
*******************************
Like others in the blogosphere, I'm feeling the need to step away for awhile. Again. How many times can I say the same things, wring my same hands, gnash my same teeth? I'm not going to shut down. But I'm not going it alone either. If anything monumental happens, like I wake up finding myself 30 pounds lighter one day, you'll know! For now, virtual reality is not supporting me the was real reality is. That tells me it's a great time to investigate the real even more deeply.
Hasta luego.
I've written many pre-Atlanta trip posts about how beautiful, smart and comprehensively attractive in every way my husband's family is and how I always have felt unworthy of being counted among their ranks. The reality is that from my youngest days (think post-toddler capacity for very early snippets of memory) I always felt that way. Regardless of how my feelings did or did not represent reality - I grew up believing I was unattractive (at best) and essentially different and less than the rest of humanity. Whatever got passed out when one was born didn't get included in my life's dowry by the Great Giver of All Gifts. Sad but true. I'm not blaming anyone or anything - it was what it was, in my twisted little mind.
I've spent virtually all of my adolescent and adult years working on myself. In the early days, the work was about escaping the reality of my self-applied sullied essence. Food worked; alcohol and assorted other substances also helped my create a persona that seemed acceptable. Profound people pleasing tendencies, right down to agreeing with everything you said so I'd be deemed okay and "a part of" rather than "apart from" was a strategy I honed to precision. I kept the balls in the air with these tactics for a long time, but eventually the absence of a true core and any genuine knowledge of self began to unravel my self constructed facade of "normal person with a touch of edge".
If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I've been in and out of therapy over the years. Back in 1991 I began a journey I never knew I really needed (or wanted to make) by starting to go to AA meetings at the suggestion of the therapist I was currently seeing. (Good girl people pleasers do what their therapists suggest...) I even quit drinking after starting to go to the meetings, and my life began a real genuine glacial move towards the light. LIGHT. And I actually found the path that has led me to myself.
Obviously as a blogger about my less than successful weight loss endeavors, there is more to do. My earliest coping mechanism of overeating is still deeply grooved in my neural pathways. But I'm coming to see that caring about, knowing and loving who I am greatly increases the liklihood that I will stay the course of the journey and find the weight loss and peace with food I've long sought. It's already happening. The way I am right now, today, is fine. I can get better. I can stay the same. But I won't backslide. I can't do that to someone I love.
*******************************
Like others in the blogosphere, I'm feeling the need to step away for awhile. Again. How many times can I say the same things, wring my same hands, gnash my same teeth? I'm not going to shut down. But I'm not going it alone either. If anything monumental happens, like I wake up finding myself 30 pounds lighter one day, you'll know! For now, virtual reality is not supporting me the was real reality is. That tells me it's a great time to investigate the real even more deeply.
Hasta luego.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
What the holy crap?!?!?
My life has truly been very busy and full, which has definitely impacted my blogging. So here I am on a Sunday morning to check in. You'll hear why in a minute...(cliffhanger???) My daughter has been here 2 weeks, and we've had such a good time. No fighting between Jeannie and Mommy! I feel like I'm on a perpetual vacation, except that pesky job I have. Good news - I really like my job, so that's okay. Bad news, I hate not being at home to hang out and play. Welcome to reality, Leslie.
While Jean has been here, I've been doing tons of good vegetarian cooking, as Jean has been vegetarian for a long time. I feel like I've been eating well, and definitely not bingeing, but also not counting any particular grams, cals, morsels in, etc. I haven't been avoiding anything in particular, but haven't gone batshit crazy with cravings or out of control eating either. I hadn't weighed since June 20th (my last post), and so I've been fearing weight gain, though my clothes weren't indicating that. Finally this morning, 10 days after my last weigh in, I got on the scale, fervently praying for maintenance (at best) while fearing a substantial gain.
Guess what (and yes, this is the reason I'm posting today as I couldn't wait until tomorrow)??!! I've lost 4 pounds in those 10 days! I actually got off the scale and back on to see if my eyes were deceiving me. Same thing - 203. Then I moved the scale to a different spot...same thing. Wow - and upon seeing that x3, I acknowledged to myself that I knew I'd been doing well and was halfway expecting a decent reading, despite my fear and trepidation of the scale beast. I was trying to keep my expectations at zero or lower.
To say I'm delighted would be a massive understatement. This is the lowest I've been in a loooonnnggg time - I'd have to read back through many months or longer to know when I was last this low.
Now obviously, I've lost the pounds before - countless times. And there is much left to do - and to lose. But I'm still heartened and grateful and even a tiny bit proud that I've been able to find a little peace with food for the last few weeks. I noted in my last post that summer is always a better time for weight loss for me - maybe because of how much I perspire!!! I've gotten to a certain point in the last 3 years (192), blogging about how low I'm going to go, only to never get an ounce below that number. I'm not cured, but this reminds and assures me that my body can lose weight when I eat less and move more. Conversely - it can gain like a sonofabitch when I do the opposite.
So - I'm giving myself a pat on the back, but also a stern reminder to stay in a day at a time. A meal at a time, and an insane craving at a time. I hope this is a springboard for continued success and progress as I seek my long coveted Peace Treaty with Food.
While Jean has been here, I've been doing tons of good vegetarian cooking, as Jean has been vegetarian for a long time. I feel like I've been eating well, and definitely not bingeing, but also not counting any particular grams, cals, morsels in, etc. I haven't been avoiding anything in particular, but haven't gone batshit crazy with cravings or out of control eating either. I hadn't weighed since June 20th (my last post), and so I've been fearing weight gain, though my clothes weren't indicating that. Finally this morning, 10 days after my last weigh in, I got on the scale, fervently praying for maintenance (at best) while fearing a substantial gain.
Guess what (and yes, this is the reason I'm posting today as I couldn't wait until tomorrow)??!! I've lost 4 pounds in those 10 days! I actually got off the scale and back on to see if my eyes were deceiving me. Same thing - 203. Then I moved the scale to a different spot...same thing. Wow - and upon seeing that x3, I acknowledged to myself that I knew I'd been doing well and was halfway expecting a decent reading, despite my fear and trepidation of the scale beast. I was trying to keep my expectations at zero or lower.
To say I'm delighted would be a massive understatement. This is the lowest I've been in a loooonnnggg time - I'd have to read back through many months or longer to know when I was last this low.
Now obviously, I've lost the pounds before - countless times. And there is much left to do - and to lose. But I'm still heartened and grateful and even a tiny bit proud that I've been able to find a little peace with food for the last few weeks. I noted in my last post that summer is always a better time for weight loss for me - maybe because of how much I perspire!!! I've gotten to a certain point in the last 3 years (192), blogging about how low I'm going to go, only to never get an ounce below that number. I'm not cured, but this reminds and assures me that my body can lose weight when I eat less and move more. Conversely - it can gain like a sonofabitch when I do the opposite.
So - I'm giving myself a pat on the back, but also a stern reminder to stay in a day at a time. A meal at a time, and an insane craving at a time. I hope this is a springboard for continued success and progress as I seek my long coveted Peace Treaty with Food.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
What's been doin'?
Where did the 10 days since I last posted go? Life is a whirlwind right now, in good ways. Lots going on, and lots more coming, so I'll do my best to post at least weekly to stay accountable in the food realm.
Biggest news is that our daughter Jean flew home from the Dominican Republic on Monday and will be here for about 5 weeks. We've been having such a great time hanging out and acting like teenagers. I actually took yesterday off from work so she and I could play...in the form of fixing an awesome frittata for breakfast, going shopping at Target, DSW and Famous Footwear, scrounging for awesome left over crock pot refried beans and more veggies for lunch, and then lying around watching HGTV all afternoon. Heavenly.
As happens most summers, it's become easier for me to stay on track with eating. I lost 3 pounds this past week as of this morning - weighing in at 207! That's the lowest I've seen for awhile, and it makes me WANT TO KEEP GOING!! I'm eating tons of veggies in many forms...roasted, sauteed, grilled, steamed, and using beans and low fat cheese as protein. Lots of eggs, which I always combine with egg beaters to stretch out the volume without stretching out the fat.
I just read Lyn's post (at Escape From Obesity), and she said she's going to return to counting calories. It was interesting, because that's actually what I realize I've been doing. Not strictly, but broadly. For one thing, when I want to eat something crappy, like kettle chips, I often won't even look at the calories per serving because I just don't want to know. (Translate: I want to eat it more than I want to leave it out. In that moment.) But I HAVE been looking lately and it's helping me decide to eat something different, or to hold off for awhile and try to distract myself from the kitchen.
This tendency of mine to avoid "the truth" of what I'm putting in my mouth became apparent when hubby and I went to Northern California last fall to visit our son. We discovered that in almost all restaurants, the caloric contents of all foods served were right there on the menu, and they really smacked me in the face. It definitely made it harder for me to order something that was over the top, calorically speaking. Which was good. Except if I really wanted something on a menu but just couldn't bring myself to order it knowing what I'd be consuming. (Still good, but a downer to my inner binge-er.) So I'm trying to have an awareness of calories in anything that isn't vegetables, fresh fruit, Gr. yogurt, dried beans, or lean meat. While I haven't set a max daily C. intake, I'm definitely leaving things out I might not otherwise. For now, it seems to be helping. We'll see how it goes...I know better than to think, "Finally, I'm getting this!"
2 weeks from Friday, we're going to Atlanta for 10 days for vacation (a hot and steamy vacay, given Atlanta in July, right Tina and Tammy?) and to see the family. The big news there is that Jean's very serious boyfriend, Cesar, is flying in and going to spend the whole week as well, in order to meet the whole fan-damily! We're so excited about that, and Jean's 87 y/o grandmother is thrilled to death. I'm totally looking forward to this experience. How different does that sound from the last few years, long time readers? Progress, self acceptance, and loving this family have ensued. For now. And I'm grateful.
Happy Hump Day.
Biggest news is that our daughter Jean flew home from the Dominican Republic on Monday and will be here for about 5 weeks. We've been having such a great time hanging out and acting like teenagers. I actually took yesterday off from work so she and I could play...in the form of fixing an awesome frittata for breakfast, going shopping at Target, DSW and Famous Footwear, scrounging for awesome left over crock pot refried beans and more veggies for lunch, and then lying around watching HGTV all afternoon. Heavenly.
As happens most summers, it's become easier for me to stay on track with eating. I lost 3 pounds this past week as of this morning - weighing in at 207! That's the lowest I've seen for awhile, and it makes me WANT TO KEEP GOING!! I'm eating tons of veggies in many forms...roasted, sauteed, grilled, steamed, and using beans and low fat cheese as protein. Lots of eggs, which I always combine with egg beaters to stretch out the volume without stretching out the fat.
I just read Lyn's post (at Escape From Obesity), and she said she's going to return to counting calories. It was interesting, because that's actually what I realize I've been doing. Not strictly, but broadly. For one thing, when I want to eat something crappy, like kettle chips, I often won't even look at the calories per serving because I just don't want to know. (Translate: I want to eat it more than I want to leave it out. In that moment.) But I HAVE been looking lately and it's helping me decide to eat something different, or to hold off for awhile and try to distract myself from the kitchen.
This tendency of mine to avoid "the truth" of what I'm putting in my mouth became apparent when hubby and I went to Northern California last fall to visit our son. We discovered that in almost all restaurants, the caloric contents of all foods served were right there on the menu, and they really smacked me in the face. It definitely made it harder for me to order something that was over the top, calorically speaking. Which was good. Except if I really wanted something on a menu but just couldn't bring myself to order it knowing what I'd be consuming. (Still good, but a downer to my inner binge-er.) So I'm trying to have an awareness of calories in anything that isn't vegetables, fresh fruit, Gr. yogurt, dried beans, or lean meat. While I haven't set a max daily C. intake, I'm definitely leaving things out I might not otherwise. For now, it seems to be helping. We'll see how it goes...I know better than to think, "Finally, I'm getting this!"
2 weeks from Friday, we're going to Atlanta for 10 days for vacation (a hot and steamy vacay, given Atlanta in July, right Tina and Tammy?) and to see the family. The big news there is that Jean's very serious boyfriend, Cesar, is flying in and going to spend the whole week as well, in order to meet the whole fan-damily! We're so excited about that, and Jean's 87 y/o grandmother is thrilled to death. I'm totally looking forward to this experience. How different does that sound from the last few years, long time readers? Progress, self acceptance, and loving this family have ensued. For now. And I'm grateful.
Happy Hump Day.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Armed for bare
No - I didn't make an ignorant mistake on the spelling of "bear" in my title. I'm here to talk arms - not weapons/arms, but upper extremity/arms. You know the ones - that women of a certain age, and Heaven forbid SIZE, often find to be the bane of their existences. Especially as the average air temperature begins its annual ascent into the nether realms of the thermometer.
The idea of bare arms causes more than just minor consternation for this blogger. I know I'm not alone in this, but the level of my bare arm neurosis likely puts me far out from under the bell-shaped curve. For the last few years, my upper arms have gotten softer and droopier - I hate the term bat wings, but.... yeah. It fits.
Now I've seen relatively thin women who have that loose skin under their uppers and it's no big deal (to me), but for someone who is about 40-50 pounds overweight, (and who seems to pack on weight in the most obtuse places) the loose hanging skin is icky. I don't particularly notice it on others, nor do I judge it in any way, but on myself, it seems like I can literally feel it from the inside. As long as I'm wearing a top with 3/4 length sleeves or at least all the way to the elbow, I'm unaware of these extra bundles I'm carrying. But the minute I put on a mid-upper arm length sleeve or shorter (translate: comfortable), I feel totally uncomfortable and hyper-visible in my fatness.
For these last few years, I've firmly (or flaccidly) refused to wear any shirt that didn't have sleeves to the elbow or below. I recall being at my youngest son's college graduation last year, sitting out in the beautiful quad in 90 degree humidity, with my 3/4 length top on. It looked great with my capris, until about 10 minutes in when I was so sweaty that the shirt was damp. And I was miserably hot.
So here we are again with another heat wave bearing down, and I'm back in the hell of hating some part of myself. Well guess what? I'm tired of it. I'm on a mission to de-sleeve myself (or at least shorter-sleeve) when it's hot. I'm tired of looking for clothes and not even considering anything that isn't 3/4 length sleeved. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing my arms as they are and honestly believing that someone who weighs 100 pounds more than I do looks better than I do because their arms aren't as bad as mine. I'm tired of it all, and I'm earnestly trying to find self acceptance where I am now, along with the sincere desire to get to a leaner or firmer place. But at age 58, there's a limit to how firm I'm ever going to get again. Accept and find peace or hate myself and find endless misery that I keep bottled up inside.
I'm done. Or I'm trying to be done - with all that body dysmorphia. Because I know that while I'm overweight, I'm fortunate to be 5'9", which helps a little. I currently wear size 1x or 16s. Occasionally an 18 depending on the manufacturer and style. Yes these are big sizes, but they are numbers. They don't reflect in anyway who I am, how I treat people, if I'm worthy of love - or anything else other than I could stand to lose some weight. No one else ever condemns me or judges me for my body (that I'm aware of) - and it's simply time for me to stop. Despite my weight(and my upper arm), I can walk 5 miles pretty easily; I have a physically challenging (at times) job that I manage without issue, and generally I get around very well and with plenty of energy. I'm eternally grateful for this and I intend to continue to strive to get into better shape. But I'm OKAY just as I am.
This has been on my mind for the last few weeks, but what prompted me to write about this morning is that I noticed 3 different women at work this morning in a way I hadn't before. All 3 are attractive, neatly groomed and well dressed, and all probably about the same level of overweight as I am. And All 3 happen to be wearing sleeveless tops (one a dress), and they all have big arms. BIG arms. And they look fine. Just people among people.
That's what I want to be. I already am that, but I have to take the intellectually certainty and allow it into my heart so that I can move that much closer to joining the human race and just being another bozo on the bus; another grain of sand of the beautiful beach. This is the biggest inside job ahead of me, but I'm determined to bring that knowledge of my okay-ness into my essence. And I'll be doing lots of wall push-ups while I'm working on it!
The idea of bare arms causes more than just minor consternation for this blogger. I know I'm not alone in this, but the level of my bare arm neurosis likely puts me far out from under the bell-shaped curve. For the last few years, my upper arms have gotten softer and droopier - I hate the term bat wings, but.... yeah. It fits.
Now I've seen relatively thin women who have that loose skin under their uppers and it's no big deal (to me), but for someone who is about 40-50 pounds overweight, (and who seems to pack on weight in the most obtuse places) the loose hanging skin is icky. I don't particularly notice it on others, nor do I judge it in any way, but on myself, it seems like I can literally feel it from the inside. As long as I'm wearing a top with 3/4 length sleeves or at least all the way to the elbow, I'm unaware of these extra bundles I'm carrying. But the minute I put on a mid-upper arm length sleeve or shorter (translate: comfortable), I feel totally uncomfortable and hyper-visible in my fatness.
For these last few years, I've firmly (or flaccidly) refused to wear any shirt that didn't have sleeves to the elbow or below. I recall being at my youngest son's college graduation last year, sitting out in the beautiful quad in 90 degree humidity, with my 3/4 length top on. It looked great with my capris, until about 10 minutes in when I was so sweaty that the shirt was damp. And I was miserably hot.
So here we are again with another heat wave bearing down, and I'm back in the hell of hating some part of myself. Well guess what? I'm tired of it. I'm on a mission to de-sleeve myself (or at least shorter-sleeve) when it's hot. I'm tired of looking for clothes and not even considering anything that isn't 3/4 length sleeved. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing my arms as they are and honestly believing that someone who weighs 100 pounds more than I do looks better than I do because their arms aren't as bad as mine. I'm tired of it all, and I'm earnestly trying to find self acceptance where I am now, along with the sincere desire to get to a leaner or firmer place. But at age 58, there's a limit to how firm I'm ever going to get again. Accept and find peace or hate myself and find endless misery that I keep bottled up inside.
I'm done. Or I'm trying to be done - with all that body dysmorphia. Because I know that while I'm overweight, I'm fortunate to be 5'9", which helps a little. I currently wear size 1x or 16s. Occasionally an 18 depending on the manufacturer and style. Yes these are big sizes, but they are numbers. They don't reflect in anyway who I am, how I treat people, if I'm worthy of love - or anything else other than I could stand to lose some weight. No one else ever condemns me or judges me for my body (that I'm aware of) - and it's simply time for me to stop. Despite my weight(and my upper arm), I can walk 5 miles pretty easily; I have a physically challenging (at times) job that I manage without issue, and generally I get around very well and with plenty of energy. I'm eternally grateful for this and I intend to continue to strive to get into better shape. But I'm OKAY just as I am.
This has been on my mind for the last few weeks, but what prompted me to write about this morning is that I noticed 3 different women at work this morning in a way I hadn't before. All 3 are attractive, neatly groomed and well dressed, and all probably about the same level of overweight as I am. And All 3 happen to be wearing sleeveless tops (one a dress), and they all have big arms. BIG arms. And they look fine. Just people among people.
That's what I want to be. I already am that, but I have to take the intellectually certainty and allow it into my heart so that I can move that much closer to joining the human race and just being another bozo on the bus; another grain of sand of the beautiful beach. This is the biggest inside job ahead of me, but I'm determined to bring that knowledge of my okay-ness into my essence. And I'll be doing lots of wall push-ups while I'm working on it!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Still alive and kicking
It's been awhile! I have so much going on that to even try to recount it here would not do justice to any of it. I'm still reading blogs, but despite having so much going on, I don't feel I have much of interest to say! Weird. So I'm just checking in to say I'm alive and well and maintaining around 209 right now. Not good, but better than I've been. I haven't had any binges for several weeks and I'm thrilled about that. (Hope I'm not jinxing myself by writing it!)
As a quick follow up, Mark made it to his destination of Tblisi, Georgia, and is just now settling into his small town that is pretty close to the Black Sea. He had some interesting travel experiences in Istanbul airport, where he discovered that his airline was on strike, thus angering many humans of all different nationalities. He said it was like bunches of wild animals at the ticketing area where he had to get his flight rebooked because his plane from New York arrived 2 hours after his connection left. Sounds harrowing, and I'm glad I knew nothing of it until he sent us the "proof of life" email assuring us he'd arrived at his final destination.
The daughter in the Peace Corps who is supposedly coming home on June 18th still is coming home, but it may be temporary as she's applied for a couple of jobs in the Dominican Republic. Wha?????????? I could try to explain it all, but it would cause disinterested 3rd parties to glaze over quickly, so I'll spare you. Suffice to say that there is never a dull moment in the realm of adult kids!
I just don't have the ooomph to write much more as words are often so inadequate to recount the vividness and essence of the day to day experiences. I'm really trying to knock off 4 more pounds in the next 2 weeks - it won't change the world but it'll put me solidly back in 14s and able to wear a shitload of clothes that are just a little too snug right now. A girl's gotta be able to breathe, you know?
I'll be checking back in soon.
As a quick follow up, Mark made it to his destination of Tblisi, Georgia, and is just now settling into his small town that is pretty close to the Black Sea. He had some interesting travel experiences in Istanbul airport, where he discovered that his airline was on strike, thus angering many humans of all different nationalities. He said it was like bunches of wild animals at the ticketing area where he had to get his flight rebooked because his plane from New York arrived 2 hours after his connection left. Sounds harrowing, and I'm glad I knew nothing of it until he sent us the "proof of life" email assuring us he'd arrived at his final destination.
The daughter in the Peace Corps who is supposedly coming home on June 18th still is coming home, but it may be temporary as she's applied for a couple of jobs in the Dominican Republic. Wha?????????? I could try to explain it all, but it would cause disinterested 3rd parties to glaze over quickly, so I'll spare you. Suffice to say that there is never a dull moment in the realm of adult kids!
I just don't have the ooomph to write much more as words are often so inadequate to recount the vividness and essence of the day to day experiences. I'm really trying to knock off 4 more pounds in the next 2 weeks - it won't change the world but it'll put me solidly back in 14s and able to wear a shitload of clothes that are just a little too snug right now. A girl's gotta be able to breathe, you know?
I'll be checking back in soon.
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