Hi Blog Buddies! I'm back...at least my physical self is back, if not my mind. I had a super stellar uber fantasmagoric time in San Antonio. The convention was beyond description...excellent and renewing, like an old fashioned revival. Estimates of the number who attended the convention range from 55-60 thousand folks! That's a lot of humanity crammed into a mid-sized city, but it all seemed to go off without a hitch.
San Antonio is a great place and the people are friendly and welcoming. It seemed that the local merchants and vendors were somewhat overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of folks that were continually lining up for whatever they were peddling, but they managed to serve up whatever it was they served with enthusiasm and smiles. My friends and I were wondering if Philadelphia would have been as fuzzy and friendly, what with Philly's rep of endless snark and grouchiness, which we all love but could easily put plenty of people WAY OFF.
The food was great - we hit the place Shelley and Roxie both recommended on the Riverwalk, Casa Rio, and it didn't disappoint. Plenty of other good fare, but I can honestly say I didn't overdo much. We walked what seemed countless miles each day in the oppressive heat and humidity, rendering me a total sweat hog; so while I'm sure I added back a pound or 2, I'm thinking and hoping the damage will be minimal as opposed to horrific. I will weigh in the morning and intend to get fully back on track tomorrow, including getting serious about finding my one OA meeting to attend weekly.
We did a lot of site seeing in addition to attending the convention meetings. All in all I felt a good balance of rest, renewal, adventure and spiritual grounding. A rare combination in my life that I'm not eager to have dissipate as re-entry to real life ensues.
That's it for today - as I said, my mind is not entirely back, and the absence of daily internet connection that I feared would cause severe withdrawal was surprisingly freeing and pleasant. I've caught up on a few blogs, but am not ready to jump back in with the intensity I felt within before the trip. I'm not sure what that's about but am going to allow my inner compass to direct me rather than jumping back in before I'm ready. My priorities got jumbled around as a result of some of the amazing experiences I had this weekend, and I need to see where blogging falls as the many aspects of my life re-settle. One thing I say with complete certainty is that I am committed to myself and the weight loss journey. But I may want to write about more than just that, which I think I do anyway - but even moreso. Stay tuned and enjoy the remnants of the holiday weekend!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Note to self...
...Don't wait until 8:30 p.m. the night before leaving on a trip by 6:30 the next morning to start laundry. A good night sleep was not had by this blogger! But I perform best under pressure - always have. Just ask my nursing school professors who gave me A+'s for those care plans done the night before! The clothes are clean and in the suitcase now as I sit here even before the buttcrack of dawn.
My weight was 203.5 this morning. Last Friday was 212.4. So just about 9 pounds off this week. Obviously I'm happy about that. I've been on a good roll this week and hope to not do damage while deep in the heart of Texas. BTW, thanks Roxie and Shelley for the food recommendation on the River walk. Duly noted, and I pledge to report back as to the Summer 2010 cuisine!
Have a wonderful, safe, and sane holiday weekend everyone. See you Monday!
My weight was 203.5 this morning. Last Friday was 212.4. So just about 9 pounds off this week. Obviously I'm happy about that. I've been on a good roll this week and hope to not do damage while deep in the heart of Texas. BTW, thanks Roxie and Shelley for the food recommendation on the River walk. Duly noted, and I pledge to report back as to the Summer 2010 cuisine!
Have a wonderful, safe, and sane holiday weekend everyone. See you Monday!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The run continues....
Super quick checking in - Day 5 is under my belt and I'm 3/4 way through day 6. Pretty exciting, and I'm definitely feeling better. Tomorrow morning I will weigh and post it before we leave for the airport. This morning when I got up and hit the bathroom, the scale was looming large - almost mocking me. And it worked...I felt scared of it and pondered not weighing before I go. But I've had the best week of healthy eating in...get this...a year. I was losing last summer for sure, but my food was looser and had more refined carbs and convenience food like Luna bars, South Beach Bars, and other stuff like that. This week it's been all real food. In measured amounts. No way I can not get on the scale in the morning...out of curiosity.
I am trying to have no expectations about the scale. Expecting anything will mess with my head.
Off course, the other big thing looming is my weekend in San Antonio....I'm thrilled to pieces about it. I'm not sure what I'm going to strive for foodwise - staying as clean as possible given essential absence of control over options, or just relaxing a little and trying to stay sane. Clean vs. sane vs. reasonable vs. unbridled vacation eating. This may sound sick or wrong, but the scale verdict will inform my intention for sure. Whatever, I love Mexican food and hear it is great in SA. I will partake to some degree. Can you believe how I'm ruminating over this stuff? Last thing I'll say is that I'm committed to having an awesome, fun, amazing, spiritual and guilt free time. I will not allow my eating issues to interfere with a once in a lifetime event!
See you around the butt-crack of dawn!
I am trying to have no expectations about the scale. Expecting anything will mess with my head.
Off course, the other big thing looming is my weekend in San Antonio....I'm thrilled to pieces about it. I'm not sure what I'm going to strive for foodwise - staying as clean as possible given essential absence of control over options, or just relaxing a little and trying to stay sane. Clean vs. sane vs. reasonable vs. unbridled vacation eating. This may sound sick or wrong, but the scale verdict will inform my intention for sure. Whatever, I love Mexican food and hear it is great in SA. I will partake to some degree. Can you believe how I'm ruminating over this stuff? Last thing I'll say is that I'm committed to having an awesome, fun, amazing, spiritual and guilt free time. I will not allow my eating issues to interfere with a once in a lifetime event!
See you around the butt-crack of dawn!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A tad of withdrawal
Hi friends - I'm now through 4 days of entirely clean food plan based eating that has included no sugar, no white flour (or any flour as yet)! Mainly lean protein, plain Greek yogurt (with splenda), veggies, big salads with tons of stuff chopped up (only veggies), olive oil, eggs, oatmeal and fruit. I'm talking squeaky clean. Yesterday afternoon I felt just drained and tired...even a little sad. A book I have on food addiction says I'm right on schedule with "withdrawal" from sugar and refined carbs. Good to know I'm on schedule - hah! My remedy was a glorious 1 1/2 hour nap from 3-5:30.
When I woke up, the thought of cooking for hubby and myself was just too much, so I asked him if we could each do our own thing for dinner (Mark was working). Hub was fine with that, so I just had my salad, veggies and shrimp immediately because I was feeling like a caged animal about food in general. I wasn't really hungry, but the whole food prep/eating/keeping-it-clean was muddying my mind. Another sign of withdrawal. I was finished by 6:20, and ate nothing else for the night. That's pretty radical for me, and what I've been doing for the last 4 days...nothing after dinner. However, it hasn't been that early other nights. I had a couple of thoughts of "healthy" things I could eat - like a cup of yogurt or fruit or something for a snack or dessert, but I knew it would play with my head. THAT is the nature of addiction in early recovery...obsessive mind that can't deal with anything other than black and white thinking. I know it'll get better.
Regarding the head piece of all this (and it's almost entirely a headgame, btw), I'm aware that part of what is keeping me on the straight and narrow right now is that I want to see where my weight will be on Thursday morning IF I stay the course. It's a little twisted I think...4 days in and feeling pretty strong and without cravings or even much hunger thanks to the complete omission of carbs, I can sense myself wanting to restrict intake even more. I think that was why I needed to go ahead and eat my meal last night so early...I was toying with just omitting it and knew that was totally disordered thinking. So I robotically did the right thing and ate. Good grief - how did I get this way?
The other thing is that I am extremely emotional - mainly tearing up or blatantly crying at the drop of a hat. Flooding feelings that are usually tamped down very nicely, thank you, by mass quantities of crap food. What's coming up now is nothing compared to what I suspect is buried deeper, but at least some of it is beginning to emerge. I'm feeling darned decent for now, and can just feel my body less puffy and a little leaner. I can always tell. This morning I did a 45 minute walk from 4:30-5:15 a.m. with the dog that felt really good by the end. But in the beginning it was a constant argument with my lazy ass mind..."knees stiff, foot hurts, tired, turn for home here..." and I just kept thanking my mind for sharing and trudged on. Normally I'd have caved, I think, but my new found committment and motivation bolstered me to keep the ass in gear.
That's it. I'm halfway into day 5 and feel pretty sure I can see it through to bedtime. It's truly amazing how leaving out the sugar and refined carbs so quickly starts to diminish cravings. I did Atkins several times over the years, and my body always went into ketosis and absence of cravings very fast. I guess I'm lucky. And about OA...there is no way I can get to a meeting before San Antonio, but when I get back I'm committing to one a week for a month to see how it goes. But that isn't until next week so won't worry about it now. Thanks as always for so much bloggy kindness and support. I'm going to miss it while I'm in Texas, but the lap top isn't making the cut on what I'm taking. That's why I'm saturating the blogosphere in these days prior, esp. with my current status of having uncovered a bit of willingness and acceptance to deal with my stuff!
When I woke up, the thought of cooking for hubby and myself was just too much, so I asked him if we could each do our own thing for dinner (Mark was working). Hub was fine with that, so I just had my salad, veggies and shrimp immediately because I was feeling like a caged animal about food in general. I wasn't really hungry, but the whole food prep/eating/keeping-it-clean was muddying my mind. Another sign of withdrawal. I was finished by 6:20, and ate nothing else for the night. That's pretty radical for me, and what I've been doing for the last 4 days...nothing after dinner. However, it hasn't been that early other nights. I had a couple of thoughts of "healthy" things I could eat - like a cup of yogurt or fruit or something for a snack or dessert, but I knew it would play with my head. THAT is the nature of addiction in early recovery...obsessive mind that can't deal with anything other than black and white thinking. I know it'll get better.
Regarding the head piece of all this (and it's almost entirely a headgame, btw), I'm aware that part of what is keeping me on the straight and narrow right now is that I want to see where my weight will be on Thursday morning IF I stay the course. It's a little twisted I think...4 days in and feeling pretty strong and without cravings or even much hunger thanks to the complete omission of carbs, I can sense myself wanting to restrict intake even more. I think that was why I needed to go ahead and eat my meal last night so early...I was toying with just omitting it and knew that was totally disordered thinking. So I robotically did the right thing and ate. Good grief - how did I get this way?
The other thing is that I am extremely emotional - mainly tearing up or blatantly crying at the drop of a hat. Flooding feelings that are usually tamped down very nicely, thank you, by mass quantities of crap food. What's coming up now is nothing compared to what I suspect is buried deeper, but at least some of it is beginning to emerge. I'm feeling darned decent for now, and can just feel my body less puffy and a little leaner. I can always tell. This morning I did a 45 minute walk from 4:30-5:15 a.m. with the dog that felt really good by the end. But in the beginning it was a constant argument with my lazy ass mind..."knees stiff, foot hurts, tired, turn for home here..." and I just kept thanking my mind for sharing and trudged on. Normally I'd have caved, I think, but my new found committment and motivation bolstered me to keep the ass in gear.
That's it. I'm halfway into day 5 and feel pretty sure I can see it through to bedtime. It's truly amazing how leaving out the sugar and refined carbs so quickly starts to diminish cravings. I did Atkins several times over the years, and my body always went into ketosis and absence of cravings very fast. I guess I'm lucky. And about OA...there is no way I can get to a meeting before San Antonio, but when I get back I'm committing to one a week for a month to see how it goes. But that isn't until next week so won't worry about it now. Thanks as always for so much bloggy kindness and support. I'm going to miss it while I'm in Texas, but the lap top isn't making the cut on what I'm taking. That's why I'm saturating the blogosphere in these days prior, esp. with my current status of having uncovered a bit of willingness and acceptance to deal with my stuff!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Feeling good feels good
Just touching base and first want to thank my wonderful blog buddies for support and bloggy love. Honestly, I got excellent comments yesterday to my conundrum about whether to revisit a 12 step program - many views thoughtfully expressed. I see how honesty is as important in commenting as it is in posting. I love when people I've come to respect call me on my stuff gently call me on my stuff or just say what they really think. Several blog friends have done that - daring to say what I might not want to hear, but caring enough to say it anyway. This has been invaluable for me in the last few days, and makes me want to be as good a blog friend to others.
I'm thinking I will probably give OA a try again, and steer clear from the Food Addicts in Recovery. The latter is just too crazy rigid. I think I can negotiate OA successfully, esp. given some great feedback I got from a fellow food 12 stepper...Linda P. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to seeking help and community.
It reminds me of being in the Recovery Room after my 2nd knee procedure last February...I woke up so relaxed and peaceful that the nurse kept having to remind me to breathe! Of course I was breathing, but not deeply enough to really keep my oxygen saturation up. I'd take one big breath and then sort of zone off, I guess, and she'd call it out again..."breathe, Leslie!" The air was available all around me, I just had to access it fully. So it goes with help, guidance and support...it's out there. I just need to avail myself of it amd not let one bad experience color my opinion and prevent me from what may be an excellent resource.
I'm going to update my status here...I now have 3 entirely clean days. I have not yet returned to the scale, but can definitely feel the physical difference after 3 clean days. I'm not wanting to introduce the mind f*ck the scale brings me into my calm clean state, but I do plan to weigh Thursday morning, which I'll explain in a sec.
My clothes are more comfortable, my head is SO much clearer, and I feel as though my inner motor has idled down... a lot. I actually was feeling like I was almost vibrating at times - hyper, racy and foggy brained...probably from sugar and other carb crap. This morning was the first I've noticed this, and it feels wonderful and blessedly, familiar. I feel optimistic and hopeful, and enthusiastic for the first time in months about weight loss. This makes me scared sh*tless of foods off my plan for now, seriously. I ain't cured, but I feel good today. Better than I have in a long time. But I've known this Nirvana before and STILL lapsed back to the dark side. Temptation will present, and sooner than later, I expect.
I haven't yet mentioned it here, but this week (Thursday) I'm leaving for 4 days in San Antonio, Texas to attend the AA International Convention. It only happens every 4 years, and I've wanted to go forever and finally this time I am. I'm thrilled, delighted and can't wait. I'm going alone, though know people from my area going and we'll link up there. I'll fly into Houston and drive the 200 miles to SA in a rental car. I love going to places I've never been! I can't even imagine what eating options will be or how I'll manage them, and for today I'm not thinking about it. I'm not there yet and am not going to waste my good feeling today obsessing about food plans and fat 3 days away. One thing I am planning, though, is to weigh Thursday morning before I leave town and post my weight. The thought scares me, but again I'm just going to stay in today and pray to surrender whatever the scale tells me that morning. Given the big 212.4 I saw last Friday, I think it's prudent to check my progress.
But here's the rub for this addict...trying to not have an expectation of what I might weigh, assuming I stay clean for the entire 6 days prior. This kind of Leslie Thinking has screwed me over again and again, and I need to be prepared for my mind to start obsessing one way or another. Addict reality - the mind is a dangerous place. In AA you hear that the mind is a dangerous neighborhood - best not to go there without adult supervision. SO TRUE. But again - I won't have a close encounter with scale until Thursday a.m. I can prepare, be aware of my tendencies and pray for soundness of mind in the face of whatever the scale has to say to me. Given all this mindplay, I really see the wisdom of weighing monthly. Don't know if I could do it, but I get it. Just takes a big mental noisemaker out of the picture.
So, I'm into day 4 and feel pretty confident that I will see it through until bedtime. I forgot how good it can feel to be clear headed and remorse free. I literally feel better in my skin and I don't want to give this up. Just for today.
I'm thinking I will probably give OA a try again, and steer clear from the Food Addicts in Recovery. The latter is just too crazy rigid. I think I can negotiate OA successfully, esp. given some great feedback I got from a fellow food 12 stepper...Linda P. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to seeking help and community.
It reminds me of being in the Recovery Room after my 2nd knee procedure last February...I woke up so relaxed and peaceful that the nurse kept having to remind me to breathe! Of course I was breathing, but not deeply enough to really keep my oxygen saturation up. I'd take one big breath and then sort of zone off, I guess, and she'd call it out again..."breathe, Leslie!" The air was available all around me, I just had to access it fully. So it goes with help, guidance and support...it's out there. I just need to avail myself of it amd not let one bad experience color my opinion and prevent me from what may be an excellent resource.
I'm going to update my status here...I now have 3 entirely clean days. I have not yet returned to the scale, but can definitely feel the physical difference after 3 clean days. I'm not wanting to introduce the mind f*ck the scale brings me into my calm clean state, but I do plan to weigh Thursday morning, which I'll explain in a sec.
My clothes are more comfortable, my head is SO much clearer, and I feel as though my inner motor has idled down... a lot. I actually was feeling like I was almost vibrating at times - hyper, racy and foggy brained...probably from sugar and other carb crap. This morning was the first I've noticed this, and it feels wonderful and blessedly, familiar. I feel optimistic and hopeful, and enthusiastic for the first time in months about weight loss. This makes me scared sh*tless of foods off my plan for now, seriously. I ain't cured, but I feel good today. Better than I have in a long time. But I've known this Nirvana before and STILL lapsed back to the dark side. Temptation will present, and sooner than later, I expect.
I haven't yet mentioned it here, but this week (Thursday) I'm leaving for 4 days in San Antonio, Texas to attend the AA International Convention. It only happens every 4 years, and I've wanted to go forever and finally this time I am. I'm thrilled, delighted and can't wait. I'm going alone, though know people from my area going and we'll link up there. I'll fly into Houston and drive the 200 miles to SA in a rental car. I love going to places I've never been! I can't even imagine what eating options will be or how I'll manage them, and for today I'm not thinking about it. I'm not there yet and am not going to waste my good feeling today obsessing about food plans and fat 3 days away. One thing I am planning, though, is to weigh Thursday morning before I leave town and post my weight. The thought scares me, but again I'm just going to stay in today and pray to surrender whatever the scale tells me that morning. Given the big 212.4 I saw last Friday, I think it's prudent to check my progress.
But here's the rub for this addict...trying to not have an expectation of what I might weigh, assuming I stay clean for the entire 6 days prior. This kind of Leslie Thinking has screwed me over again and again, and I need to be prepared for my mind to start obsessing one way or another. Addict reality - the mind is a dangerous place. In AA you hear that the mind is a dangerous neighborhood - best not to go there without adult supervision. SO TRUE. But again - I won't have a close encounter with scale until Thursday a.m. I can prepare, be aware of my tendencies and pray for soundness of mind in the face of whatever the scale has to say to me. Given all this mindplay, I really see the wisdom of weighing monthly. Don't know if I could do it, but I get it. Just takes a big mental noisemaker out of the picture.
So, I'm into day 4 and feel pretty confident that I will see it through until bedtime. I forgot how good it can feel to be clear headed and remorse free. I literally feel better in my skin and I don't want to give this up. Just for today.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Checking in
This will be pretty short. (Yeah yeah, she says that all the time..) If you've read my last couple of posts, you know that I'm at a pretty serious point in my weight loss journey, having hit some kind of new low emotionally juxtaposed to (and likely resulting from) a new high at the scale, at least a new high since last summer. I simply can no longer deny that I really am a food addict, and have been in relapse mode for awhile. I've hit this place before over the years and sort of slammed through 12 step food programs for a few weeks - finding fast relief and weight loss by following strict and austere food plans. But the way I've always used those programs is for the addict's most highly coveted commodity...the quick fix. But for true recovery and healing from an addictive process, there just is no quick fix.
My new "bottom" has awakened me to some realities about how I've been operating lately when it comes to weight loss. First, I've gained weight. 'Nuff said. Can I be a weight loss blogger and gain weight? Obviously I can, but I prefer to not be the poster child for "Don't let this happen to you." Second, I've used the scale as my barometer of what kind of eating I can do on any given day. Also the scale determines my mood. Down a few pounds - happy happy joy joy. Up a few - foul and irritable, and jolted into cleaned up eating. This cycle has been going on for months. (I almost said weeks, but that would have been a Leslie Lie.) Third, and this starts to get a little deeper into the nature of addiction, I've had food on my mind almost continually. Events, such as a party at work, or a celebration, or a meal out - is about food before anything else. It's hard to admit that. True obsession of the mind. And once I feed the obsession, the compulsion insists I continue until I'm "done", whatever that means.
An example: I had a clean food day on Wednesday and woke Thursday already churned up because I had an anniversary party for an AA meeting that night. This annual event always has a huge tantalizing spread of food. I wanted to go, but knew if I went I probably couldn't abstain from "tying on the feed bag", so to speak. I decided to take it one minute of the time over the course of the day and keep my food on plan, exercise, all the usual good choices. But my mind was obsessed all day to where I finally ended up having just a handful of nuts at work. This could be a benign and even healthy choice...except that my frame of mind was in food obsessed mode. The handful became another, which morphed into a "couple of cookies", and the rest is not worth repeating. As this was unfolding, I was thinking, "Now I can just eat what I want at the party tonight, since I've already blown it, and begin again tomorrow. Turns out that was the evening we had the bad storms and I ended up not going, but I did continue to overeat at home. A lot.
That is a terribly embarrassing story to recount, and there will be readers who have weight problems but aren't food addicts who won't get it. I may lose followers. I've already lost one in the last 2 days as I've begun to get honest about all this. So be it. Hopefully this will help someone who's like me at the other end of the weight spectrum and can't get a handle on the eating.
I'm at a place right now where I feel ready to accept this and deal with it once and for all. And not in quick fix mode. It will be a gradual and probably long process. The weight loss may happen a lot faster than the emotional and spiritual healing does. But the emotional and spiritual maladies I have as an addict are at the core of my eating, and if left untended, relapse will continue to be a frequent visitor. What I'm reflecting on now as I face this revolting state of affairs is whether I want to return to a food 12 step program or use the principles I've learned from them in the past and try to do it by blogging as the means of not doing it alone. Addiction can't be addressed in isolation. I've learned that well in AA. I can't do it alone. I need others to help me, and I need to help others who also suffer. In order to keep recovery, I've got to give it away. But first I've got to get it for myself. Talk about paradox. Anyway - I know the rigidity of food 12 step programs is profound - nothing like AA. I know myself and that I can't sustain absolute rigidity over the long haul. So starting going back to their meetings would be a temporary measure that I'm not sure I want to do. Meetings are for support - giving and getting. And for learning. Can I find those aspects of meetings through blogging and talking to close friends?
I have several friends in real life (as opposed to virtual) who have similar issues with whom I can and do talk about difficult stuff. I have a therapist I trust, love and who knows me well. And I have every book ever written on the subject. So - to cut this off sort of abruptly due to time constraints, I think I have what I need to succeed. The key factor is me staying honest. No more half-truths. No more trying to sound better than I am.
That's where I am for today. I have 2 clean days behind me and am in process for a third. I am literally scared of "offending foods" for now. I have no morsel of denial left regarding my ability to have one compulsive bite of anything and thinking it won't send me off to the races. I'm grateful for that today.
My new "bottom" has awakened me to some realities about how I've been operating lately when it comes to weight loss. First, I've gained weight. 'Nuff said. Can I be a weight loss blogger and gain weight? Obviously I can, but I prefer to not be the poster child for "Don't let this happen to you." Second, I've used the scale as my barometer of what kind of eating I can do on any given day. Also the scale determines my mood. Down a few pounds - happy happy joy joy. Up a few - foul and irritable, and jolted into cleaned up eating. This cycle has been going on for months. (I almost said weeks, but that would have been a Leslie Lie.) Third, and this starts to get a little deeper into the nature of addiction, I've had food on my mind almost continually. Events, such as a party at work, or a celebration, or a meal out - is about food before anything else. It's hard to admit that. True obsession of the mind. And once I feed the obsession, the compulsion insists I continue until I'm "done", whatever that means.
An example: I had a clean food day on Wednesday and woke Thursday already churned up because I had an anniversary party for an AA meeting that night. This annual event always has a huge tantalizing spread of food. I wanted to go, but knew if I went I probably couldn't abstain from "tying on the feed bag", so to speak. I decided to take it one minute of the time over the course of the day and keep my food on plan, exercise, all the usual good choices. But my mind was obsessed all day to where I finally ended up having just a handful of nuts at work. This could be a benign and even healthy choice...except that my frame of mind was in food obsessed mode. The handful became another, which morphed into a "couple of cookies", and the rest is not worth repeating. As this was unfolding, I was thinking, "Now I can just eat what I want at the party tonight, since I've already blown it, and begin again tomorrow. Turns out that was the evening we had the bad storms and I ended up not going, but I did continue to overeat at home. A lot.
That is a terribly embarrassing story to recount, and there will be readers who have weight problems but aren't food addicts who won't get it. I may lose followers. I've already lost one in the last 2 days as I've begun to get honest about all this. So be it. Hopefully this will help someone who's like me at the other end of the weight spectrum and can't get a handle on the eating.
I'm at a place right now where I feel ready to accept this and deal with it once and for all. And not in quick fix mode. It will be a gradual and probably long process. The weight loss may happen a lot faster than the emotional and spiritual healing does. But the emotional and spiritual maladies I have as an addict are at the core of my eating, and if left untended, relapse will continue to be a frequent visitor. What I'm reflecting on now as I face this revolting state of affairs is whether I want to return to a food 12 step program or use the principles I've learned from them in the past and try to do it by blogging as the means of not doing it alone. Addiction can't be addressed in isolation. I've learned that well in AA. I can't do it alone. I need others to help me, and I need to help others who also suffer. In order to keep recovery, I've got to give it away. But first I've got to get it for myself. Talk about paradox. Anyway - I know the rigidity of food 12 step programs is profound - nothing like AA. I know myself and that I can't sustain absolute rigidity over the long haul. So starting going back to their meetings would be a temporary measure that I'm not sure I want to do. Meetings are for support - giving and getting. And for learning. Can I find those aspects of meetings through blogging and talking to close friends?
I have several friends in real life (as opposed to virtual) who have similar issues with whom I can and do talk about difficult stuff. I have a therapist I trust, love and who knows me well. And I have every book ever written on the subject. So - to cut this off sort of abruptly due to time constraints, I think I have what I need to succeed. The key factor is me staying honest. No more half-truths. No more trying to sound better than I am.
That's where I am for today. I have 2 clean days behind me and am in process for a third. I am literally scared of "offending foods" for now. I have no morsel of denial left regarding my ability to have one compulsive bite of anything and thinking it won't send me off to the races. I'm grateful for that today.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Telling the truth
Thank you for all the excellent comments to my post yesterday. I feel better for having said it all. One commenter, (Vickie) mentioned that I should go back in and put my weight yesterday in large bold type. She likened it to standing up at an AA meeting and acknowledging...having had a drink, or that I'm an alcoholic, or am in full relapse or wanting to drink. My initial reaction was a major eye roll at that suggestion...(I just read the comment prior to starting this), but very quickly felt a stirring within that said, "Do it". My withholding my horrific weight yesterday is not about you guys...it's about me. It's ego - wanting to sound better than I am.
Looking back at my life schtick, this is a common theme of how a I tend to approach certain unsavory truths about myself. I did it with booze in the beginning. I was seeing a therapist who I'd begun to trust JUST A LITTLE so started dropping hints about drinking...things like, "I'm so hung over today..." on a Tuesday morning...stuff like that, rather than saying I knew I was in trouble with alcohol. Who would be hung over on a random Tuesday when they had 3 little kids and hadn't attended a gala the night before? Anyway - finally she took the bait and inquired about my drinking. That began the process, and within about 4 months, I'd had my last drink up through today. There were plenty of false starts in AA along with continued decisions to drink...but I was finally talking about it, beginning to own it, and opening my mind to the possibility of change.
Here on my blog, I've had the same tendency to leak out just a little of my food struggles - have an occasional vomit post, as dear Tammy calls them, and then move on and try to be funny or profound because "I'm really OK." Just enough honesty to be almost humble but not quite enough to really be humble. It's the old shame game playing in my brain. Several aa friends and I were talking about this this morning. The old, "if you really knew the truth you would reject/not like/not respect me. Or in this case, stop reading my blog. I love being read and having people comment - it's just awesome to have people read what I write. You all must feel the same way about blogging, else why do it? It's plenty easy to blog privately or just write in a pink diary with a lock and key. Whoa - tangenting into the hinterland again! There I go trying to dilute the truth with humor, lightness, alleged profundity.
In AA there is YET ANOTHER brilliant phrase, "If nothing changes, nothing changes", along with "If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you're getting". Dammit - these things are true. I know it, I've lived it.
With all this in mind, I will post my true weight from yesterday. I know this is a non-event in the history of the world, but it's a biggie for me. But not admitting it doesn't change reality. And not admitting it is a pathetic ego-saving strategy that clearly is no longer working. Not admitting it is non-change. And you know what they say about change...(please glance up one paragraph if you've missed the connection).
I was 204.1 last Friday. Yesterday I was 212.4. See why I was not wanting to post it?
Another thing Vickie asked in her comment was whether I'd reconnected with the therapist with whom I'd terminated several months back. The answer is yes. I've seen her twice and will continue for awhile. She knows more about me and my story than any other living person. That piece is in place. I'm reverting to my very plain but adequate foodplan from the 12 step food program I went to 2 years ago. I've intended to do that foodplan recently and posted about it awhile back. I did it for a couple of days and was miraculously cured! NOT. I got the instant result of pounds down fast and decided to try AGAIN at reasonable eating in moderate amounts without restricting certain items that always trigger me. And this is how I have arrived at the place I am today. Make a note...2 days of healthy clean eating does not cure one of a food addiction.
Right now, I honestly feel scared to death of anything that isn't on the food plan. I am powerless over sugar, fried foods, breads, crackers, lite kettle corn from Trader Joe's, white flour items. And more. I just can't predict where a bite will take me. That's the reality today. I am praying for acceptance of that fact and the ability to just eat my food plan today. I had a clean day yesterday which is standard procedure after the scale drops a heap'o' bad news on me like yesterday. But I didn't get on the scale today because usually after a clean day with lots of water that follows the weight horror, I might drop over 4 pounds from the day before, thereby settling down my reaction to the horror (though from this new high of yesterday 4 pounds would not smooth things out much). Thereby making "one bite of _______" seem safe. Not happening today. Hopefully not tomorrow either, though I can't promise. I can really just work a day at a time right now.
So the weight is public, Vickie. You were right that I should post it. Other bloggers have the courage to be totally honest, as opposed to the "a tiny morsel of honesty" I'm so much more comfortable with. But comfort has availed me nothing but out-of-control eating episodes and extra pounds. This feels like jumping off a cliff, but I've been lifted up before when I was able to summon the ooomph to step away from the cliff into an unknown that can't possibly be any worse than the hell of an active addiction. I'm so grateful that I have the experience of my struggle to sobriety to offer me hope that there can be a rich and full life without the crutch of a substance.
Looking back at my life schtick, this is a common theme of how a I tend to approach certain unsavory truths about myself. I did it with booze in the beginning. I was seeing a therapist who I'd begun to trust JUST A LITTLE so started dropping hints about drinking...things like, "I'm so hung over today..." on a Tuesday morning...stuff like that, rather than saying I knew I was in trouble with alcohol. Who would be hung over on a random Tuesday when they had 3 little kids and hadn't attended a gala the night before? Anyway - finally she took the bait and inquired about my drinking. That began the process, and within about 4 months, I'd had my last drink up through today. There were plenty of false starts in AA along with continued decisions to drink...but I was finally talking about it, beginning to own it, and opening my mind to the possibility of change.
Here on my blog, I've had the same tendency to leak out just a little of my food struggles - have an occasional vomit post, as dear Tammy calls them, and then move on and try to be funny or profound because "I'm really OK." Just enough honesty to be almost humble but not quite enough to really be humble. It's the old shame game playing in my brain. Several aa friends and I were talking about this this morning. The old, "if you really knew the truth you would reject/not like/not respect me. Or in this case, stop reading my blog. I love being read and having people comment - it's just awesome to have people read what I write. You all must feel the same way about blogging, else why do it? It's plenty easy to blog privately or just write in a pink diary with a lock and key. Whoa - tangenting into the hinterland again! There I go trying to dilute the truth with humor, lightness, alleged profundity.
In AA there is YET ANOTHER brilliant phrase, "If nothing changes, nothing changes", along with "If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you're getting". Dammit - these things are true. I know it, I've lived it.
With all this in mind, I will post my true weight from yesterday. I know this is a non-event in the history of the world, but it's a biggie for me. But not admitting it doesn't change reality. And not admitting it is a pathetic ego-saving strategy that clearly is no longer working. Not admitting it is non-change. And you know what they say about change...(please glance up one paragraph if you've missed the connection).
I was 204.1 last Friday. Yesterday I was 212.4. See why I was not wanting to post it?
Another thing Vickie asked in her comment was whether I'd reconnected with the therapist with whom I'd terminated several months back. The answer is yes. I've seen her twice and will continue for awhile. She knows more about me and my story than any other living person. That piece is in place. I'm reverting to my very plain but adequate foodplan from the 12 step food program I went to 2 years ago. I've intended to do that foodplan recently and posted about it awhile back. I did it for a couple of days and was miraculously cured! NOT. I got the instant result of pounds down fast and decided to try AGAIN at reasonable eating in moderate amounts without restricting certain items that always trigger me. And this is how I have arrived at the place I am today. Make a note...2 days of healthy clean eating does not cure one of a food addiction.
Right now, I honestly feel scared to death of anything that isn't on the food plan. I am powerless over sugar, fried foods, breads, crackers, lite kettle corn from Trader Joe's, white flour items. And more. I just can't predict where a bite will take me. That's the reality today. I am praying for acceptance of that fact and the ability to just eat my food plan today. I had a clean day yesterday which is standard procedure after the scale drops a heap'o' bad news on me like yesterday. But I didn't get on the scale today because usually after a clean day with lots of water that follows the weight horror, I might drop over 4 pounds from the day before, thereby settling down my reaction to the horror (though from this new high of yesterday 4 pounds would not smooth things out much). Thereby making "one bite of _______" seem safe. Not happening today. Hopefully not tomorrow either, though I can't promise. I can really just work a day at a time right now.
So the weight is public, Vickie. You were right that I should post it. Other bloggers have the courage to be totally honest, as opposed to the "a tiny morsel of honesty" I'm so much more comfortable with. But comfort has availed me nothing but out-of-control eating episodes and extra pounds. This feels like jumping off a cliff, but I've been lifted up before when I was able to summon the ooomph to step away from the cliff into an unknown that can't possibly be any worse than the hell of an active addiction. I'm so grateful that I have the experience of my struggle to sobriety to offer me hope that there can be a rich and full life without the crutch of a substance.
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