Hi friends - I'm now through 4 days of entirely clean food plan based eating that has included no sugar, no white flour (or any flour as yet)! Mainly lean protein, plain Greek yogurt (with splenda), veggies, big salads with tons of stuff chopped up (only veggies), olive oil, eggs, oatmeal and fruit. I'm talking squeaky clean. Yesterday afternoon I felt just drained and tired...even a little sad. A book I have on food addiction says I'm right on schedule with "withdrawal" from sugar and refined carbs. Good to know I'm on schedule - hah! My remedy was a glorious 1 1/2 hour nap from 3-5:30.
When I woke up, the thought of cooking for hubby and myself was just too much, so I asked him if we could each do our own thing for dinner (Mark was working). Hub was fine with that, so I just had my salad, veggies and shrimp immediately because I was feeling like a caged animal about food in general. I wasn't really hungry, but the whole food prep/eating/keeping-it-clean was muddying my mind. Another sign of withdrawal. I was finished by 6:20, and ate nothing else for the night. That's pretty radical for me, and what I've been doing for the last 4 days...nothing after dinner. However, it hasn't been that early other nights. I had a couple of thoughts of "healthy" things I could eat - like a cup of yogurt or fruit or something for a snack or dessert, but I knew it would play with my head. THAT is the nature of addiction in early recovery...obsessive mind that can't deal with anything other than black and white thinking. I know it'll get better.
Regarding the head piece of all this (and it's almost entirely a headgame, btw), I'm aware that part of what is keeping me on the straight and narrow right now is that I want to see where my weight will be on Thursday morning IF I stay the course. It's a little twisted I think...4 days in and feeling pretty strong and without cravings or even much hunger thanks to the complete omission of carbs, I can sense myself wanting to restrict intake even more. I think that was why I needed to go ahead and eat my meal last night so early...I was toying with just omitting it and knew that was totally disordered thinking. So I robotically did the right thing and ate. Good grief - how did I get this way?
The other thing is that I am extremely emotional - mainly tearing up or blatantly crying at the drop of a hat. Flooding feelings that are usually tamped down very nicely, thank you, by mass quantities of crap food. What's coming up now is nothing compared to what I suspect is buried deeper, but at least some of it is beginning to emerge. I'm feeling darned decent for now, and can just feel my body less puffy and a little leaner. I can always tell. This morning I did a 45 minute walk from 4:30-5:15 a.m. with the dog that felt really good by the end. But in the beginning it was a constant argument with my lazy ass mind..."knees stiff, foot hurts, tired, turn for home here..." and I just kept thanking my mind for sharing and trudged on. Normally I'd have caved, I think, but my new found committment and motivation bolstered me to keep the ass in gear.
That's it. I'm halfway into day 5 and feel pretty sure I can see it through to bedtime. It's truly amazing how leaving out the sugar and refined carbs so quickly starts to diminish cravings. I did Atkins several times over the years, and my body always went into ketosis and absence of cravings very fast. I guess I'm lucky. And about OA...there is no way I can get to a meeting before San Antonio, but when I get back I'm committing to one a week for a month to see how it goes. But that isn't until next week so won't worry about it now. Thanks as always for so much bloggy kindness and support. I'm going to miss it while I'm in Texas, but the lap top isn't making the cut on what I'm taking. That's why I'm saturating the blogosphere in these days prior, esp. with my current status of having uncovered a bit of willingness and acceptance to deal with my stuff!
I personally think it's good that you're not taking the laptop - you need to go and THOROUGHLY enjoy your convention!
ReplyDeleteAt least you know what and why you're feeling the way you are and to me that's good knowledge. You know it's said that knowledge is power. I'm suspecting you feel very powerful right now!
You're right it IS all a head game. You HAVE to keep mentally in it. That's where I have been sagging. My head is just having a hard time staying in it and I just get this "screw it" attitude that is NOT HELPING. It just makes it WORSE!! Keep up the positive attitude. You just keep affirming what I need to be doing! You rock!
ReplyDeleteHappy Day FIVE! Good for you. You're strong. You can do this. I sometimes do that with my DH--I'm not feeling up to making dinner, can you do it. I'm having a bit and then going up to chill in our room. I read, watch a movie, take a bath and get away. DH is nice enough to understand.
ReplyDeleteLove your early walk. I've got to do that; get myself up earlier on these awful weather days. Keep up the great work.
yea day five - Frances' stringing pearls.
ReplyDeleteI cried (a lot) for a year, if that makes you feel any better. And I suppose crying is directly proportional to feeling the feelings (as you said). But part of my year was chemical imbalance. So it was part not squishing down feelings with food and partly just plain out of whack. Once I got on the right meds, things smoothed out quite a bit. But I REMEMBER that first year. I think it actually was good foundation - sort of up and on from there.
And I eat my meals. You are absolutely right about getting into major headgames with skipping meals. it is sort of like first it is a struggle to not eat ALL THE TIME and then we think about not eating. Two sides of the same eating disorders coin.
Wow good for you!!!
ReplyDeleteI found the cravings left as well..but I omitted fruit as well. How much fruit are you having?
Also, I have found that when I eat "clean", the emotions just flow like a darned river. Journalling through it helps a lot.
Good luck with the rest of your week!
Glad to hear it is going so well. I am like you - if I cut out the sugar and refined carbs, I stop craving them. I found beans helped with some of the tiredness that I had when I was off grains.
ReplyDelete"early recovery...obsessive mind that can't deal with anything other than black and white thinking."
ReplyDelete! I didn't know that. Leslie, you are a wealth of information! I was like that when I started WW--it was so nuts--any variation at all, any guessing about points, and I was freaked out to the point of wanting to eat.
I thought I was just soooo weird. Now, you tell me I'm normal. :D Well, okay, normal for someone who was abnormally addicted to food and breaking free. hmmm.
The OA once a week plan sounds like a wise commitment. I'm really going to have to check that out. I think if I knew what you know, this whole trip would have been easier for me.
So glad you're working it.
Deb
I used to get into the skipping meals once I started losing weight...not a good thing to do, and I'm glad you recognized and put a halt to that right away.
ReplyDeleteI like how you thanked your mind for sharing - that is awesome!
You're doing great Leslie!
ReplyDeleteFYI: There are GREAT recipes (pretty simple) that are low carb and will take cravings of sweets away - I've found a couple that I know will be staples in my household: they REALLY help. Some are hit and miss but the ones that come out tasting like I was hoping-well, I literally start jumping up and down w/happiness! I think a few times I've even been near tears with excitement!LOL!! Just knowing that I can satisfy any type of craving I have in a way that won't raise my sugar is enough to get me singing HALLELUJAH!!!lol!
Good job with the clean eating so far. Just a few more days and you will be past the worst of it. Stay strong Leslie!
ReplyDeleteBTW, my wife says the bag came in -- I am anxious to see it. Thanks!