Monday, June 28, 2010

Feeling good feels good

Just touching base and first want to thank my wonderful blog buddies for support and bloggy love.  Honestly, I got excellent comments yesterday to my conundrum about whether to revisit a 12 step program - many views thoughtfully expressed.  I see how honesty is as important in commenting as it is in posting. I love when people I've come to respect call me on my stuff gently call me on my stuff or just say what they really think.  Several blog friends have done that - daring to say what I might not want to hear, but caring enough to say it anyway.  This has been invaluable for me in the last few days, and makes me want to be as good a blog friend to others.


I'm thinking I will probably give OA a try again, and steer clear from the Food Addicts in Recovery.  The latter is just too crazy rigid.  I think I can negotiate OA successfully, esp. given some great feedback I got from a fellow food 12 stepper...Linda P.   No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to seeking help and community. 
 
It reminds me of being in the Recovery Room after my 2nd knee procedure last February...I woke up so relaxed and peaceful that the nurse kept having to remind me to breathe!  Of course I was breathing, but not deeply enough to really keep my oxygen saturation up.  I'd take one big breath and then sort of zone off, I guess, and she'd call it out again..."breathe, Leslie!"  The air was available all around me, I just had to access it fully.  So it goes with help, guidance and support...it's out there.  I just need to avail myself of it amd not let one bad experience color my opinion and prevent me from what may be an excellent resource.
 
I'm going to update my status here...I now have 3 entirely clean days.  I have not yet returned to the scale, but can definitely feel the physical difference after 3 clean days.  I'm not wanting to introduce the mind f*ck the scale brings me into my calm clean state, but I do plan to weigh Thursday morning, which I'll explain in a sec. 
 
My clothes are more comfortable, my head is SO much clearer, and I feel as though my inner motor has idled down... a lot.  I actually was feeling like I was almost vibrating at times - hyper, racy and foggy brained...probably from sugar and other carb crap.  This morning was the first I've noticed this, and it feels wonderful and blessedly, familiar.  I feel optimistic and hopeful, and enthusiastic for the first time in months about weight loss.  This makes me scared sh*tless of foods off my plan for now, seriously.  I ain't cured, but I feel good today.  Better than I have in a long time.  But I've known this Nirvana before and STILL lapsed back to the dark side.  Temptation will present, and sooner than later, I expect.
 
I haven't yet mentioned it here, but this week (Thursday) I'm leaving for 4 days in San Antonio, Texas to attend the AA International Convention.  It only happens every 4 years, and I've wanted to go forever and finally this time I am.  I'm thrilled, delighted and can't wait.  I'm going alone, though know people from my area going and we'll link up there.  I'll fly into Houston and drive the 200 miles to SA in a rental car.  I love going to places I've never been!  I can't even imagine what eating options will be or how I'll manage them, and for today I'm not thinking about it.  I'm not there yet and am not going to waste my good feeling today obsessing about food plans and fat 3 days away.  One thing I am planning, though, is to weigh Thursday morning before I leave town and post my weight.  The thought scares me, but again I'm just going to stay in today and pray to surrender whatever the scale tells me that morning.  Given the big 212.4 I saw last Friday, I think it's prudent to check my progress.
 
But here's the rub for this addict...trying to not have an expectation of what I might weigh, assuming I stay clean for the entire 6 days prior.  This kind of Leslie Thinking has screwed me over again and again, and I need to be prepared for my mind to start obsessing one way or another.  Addict reality - the mind is a dangerous place.  In AA you hear that the mind is a dangerous neighborhood - best not to go there without adult supervision.  SO TRUE.  But again - I won't have a close encounter with scale until Thursday a.m.  I can prepare, be aware of my tendencies and pray for soundness of mind in the face of whatever the scale has to say to me.  Given all this mindplay, I really see the wisdom of weighing monthly.  Don't know if I could do it, but I get it.  Just takes a big mental noisemaker out of the picture.
 
So, I'm into day 4 and feel pretty confident that I will see it through until bedtime. I forgot how good it can feel to be clear headed and remorse free.  I literally feel better in my skin and I don't want to give this up.  Just for today. 

14 comments:

  1. What is the biggest mystery to me is, why, when we KNOW how good feeling good feels, do we then blow it and feel bad again? I feel like I must have ADD when it comes to this!

    My two cents: if folks are leaving your blog because you're being honest, you don't need them around anyway. I don't want people - even virtual people - in my life who can't accept me warts and all.

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  2. Sounds like you're in a good place (and you're going to a good place... San Antonio rocks).

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  3. We welcome you to Texas, Leslie. I know several people who are attending the SA conference and are SO excited. I know you will have an awesome time and you will do just fine. There will be so much "good energy" about the place that you won't give an obsessive thought to food.

    If you are like me, the problems don't come during sit-down meals anyway, my issues are when I am alone - and you probably won't have a lot of that, so enjoy yourself AND enjoy the great food in SA.

    Again, thank you for the lovely knitted bag. It is incredible. I cannot wait to begin to carry it. I'm showing it off in the office this morning!

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  4. :D OH! I completely forgot about OA!!! Perfect, absolutely perfect. I went many years ago and they had no rigid food plan, although if I recall, they encouraged a no sugar, no white flour. Hmmm. I could be wrong about the flour. Anyway, I think that's perfect! Much, much better than WW. :D

    And, there's an award for you on my blog. I looked down your list and didn't see this one on it. If you're too busy to fulfill the requirements, please don't sweat it. I just wanted you to have it. It's the "Good Life Award" and you are so into your good life.

    Deb

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  5. I love the new template!

    I think you're going to do great with everything. OA sounds like the perfect solution for you. I hope you have fun in SA!

    Thank you for all of your genuine support. You are lovely in every way.

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  6. I came home from my weekend away and found a cute little purse in my mailbox! Thank you. And what a great new look for your blog.

    You said so much while I was gone. I first just skimmed in my catch up mode but then I went back and read again. I commend your honesty and openness, starting with posting that great photo of you in your visor and then posting your weight. I could identify with your out of control feelings, you day by day variance in your eating, your repeating yourself. I have done it as well, in my own way at different weights at different times in my life, including recently. I absolutely suffer from the "since I've already blown it" syndrome. I have never considered myself an addict, but I know in my heart that I do not have a healthy relationship with food and it still has a grip of control over me that I hope to someday break. For me, it is no longer about weighing a certain number but about that relationship with food.

    I cannot imagine that you could write a truth here about yourself that would make me or any other faithful follower stop reading.

    I read a few blogs written by some amazingly wise women who are either in OA, or have otherwise found recovery for their eating addiction. I don't see them on your blog roll so let me know if you want some more blogs to read of some people with whom you might find a real similarity in your journey.

    I can really see a change in your tone in your blog posts just in the few days I was gone. I am here to support you in anyway I can and for now will just tell you that I am thinking of you and sending a huge internet hug.

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  7. You seriously sound like you have found your happy place and like your background on your blog, you are floating in the clouds! You sound so positive and upbeat! You're head is in the right place, keep it up! You're doing so awesome.

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  8. Love this layout and love you...I learn so much from you and I wanted you to know that.

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  9. I'm glad for you. Four days is great and it's great to feel "clean." You'll love San Antonio. I think you're smart to keep from the scale until just before you leave.

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  10. My bag is here, my bag is here!!! Thank you so much - I will have to plan a Fashion Friday around it!

    As for this post, you really sound like you've found what will be the right thing for you. I swear, that's half the battle right there! Hope you enjoy your time in SA - there are tons of good eats, but it will mostly be about the people (and coffee, lol).

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  11. For some reason the whole paragraph about having to be reminded to breath really hit me. It is so much like life. We know what to do, but yet we doze off and don't do it. It is so easy, yet it is so hard.

    Another great point you brought up is about setting an expectation with the weight. I have found that to be a recipe for failure. There are just too many variables, too many things that can affect the weight. It is all about staying on the program. The weight/size/health will come, we just have to stay on the program.

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  12. I like your remodel! A lot!

    Hold that clean, you can do it.

    San Antonio sounds like it will be a great experience for you.

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  13. yea!

    and what is your plan for food on the road???

    because you need a list of OK things -

    remember grocery produce sections have a LOT of ready to eat (prepped) things.

    And you can buy low sodium/lite turkey at the deli and canned water pack tuna and raw nuts with NO salt in the bakery aisle, etc.

    MAKE a list.

    And since you will have a car - very easy to buy a big stirofoam cooler (there) and keep filling with ice.

    And since your car will be with you - the right food will be handy for every meal.

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  14. Leslie - first off - love the bag you sent me!! I hope you don't mind but all along planned to give it to my daughter - she loves that color green!

    And I love the new blog layout - so upbeat and positive, which is how you sound in this post.

    Don't even worry about that you'll eat over the weekend, just try to focus on the event and people and not so much on the food.

    Hugs!
    Biz

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