Saturday, June 26, 2010

Telling the truth

Thank you for all the excellent comments to my post yesterday.  I feel better for having said it all.  One commenter,  (Vickie) mentioned that I should go back in and put my weight yesterday in large bold type.  She likened it to standing up at an AA meeting and acknowledging...having had a drink, or that I'm an alcoholic, or am in full relapse or wanting to drink.  My initial reaction was a major eye roll at that suggestion...(I just read the comment prior to starting this), but very quickly felt a stirring within that said, "Do it".  My withholding my horrific weight yesterday is not about you guys...it's about me.  It's ego - wanting to sound better than I am. 

Looking back at my life schtick, this is a common theme of how a I tend to approach certain unsavory truths about myself.  I did it with booze in the beginning.  I was seeing a therapist who I'd begun to trust JUST A LITTLE so started dropping hints about drinking...things like, "I'm so hung over today..." on a Tuesday morning...stuff like that, rather than saying I knew I was in trouble with alcohol.  Who would be hung over on a random Tuesday when they had 3 little kids and hadn't attended a gala the night before?  Anyway - finally she took the bait and inquired about my drinking.  That began the process, and within about 4 months, I'd had my last drink up through today.  There were plenty of false starts in AA along with continued decisions to drink...but I was finally talking about it, beginning to own it, and opening my mind to the possibility of change.

Here on my blog, I've had the same tendency to leak out just a little of my food struggles - have an occasional vomit post, as dear Tammy calls them, and then move on and try to be funny or profound because "I'm really OK."  Just enough honesty to be almost humble but not quite enough to really be humble.  It's the old shame game playing in my brain.  Several aa friends and I were talking about this this morning.  The old, "if you really knew the truth you would reject/not like/not respect me.  Or in this case, stop reading my blog.  I love being read and having people comment - it's just awesome to have people read what I write.  You all must feel the same way about blogging, else why do it?  It's plenty easy to blog privately or just write in a pink diary with a lock and key.  Whoa - tangenting into the hinterland again!  There I go trying to dilute the truth with humor, lightness, alleged profundity.

In AA there is YET ANOTHER brilliant phrase, "If nothing changes, nothing changes", along with "If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you're getting".  Dammit - these things are true.  I know it, I've lived it. 

With all this in mind, I will post my true weight from yesterday.  I know this is a non-event in the history of the world, but it's a biggie for me.  But not admitting it doesn't change reality.  And not admitting it is a pathetic ego-saving strategy that clearly is no longer working.  Not admitting it is non-change.  And you know what they say about change...(please glance up one paragraph if you've missed the connection).

I was 204.1 last Friday.  Yesterday I was 212.4.  See why I was not wanting to post it?

Another thing Vickie asked in her comment was whether I'd reconnected with the therapist with whom I'd terminated several months back.  The answer is yes.  I've seen her twice and will continue for awhile.  She knows more about me and my story than any other living person.  That piece is in place.  I'm reverting to my very plain but adequate foodplan from the 12 step food program I went to 2 years ago.  I've intended to do that foodplan recently and posted about it awhile back.  I did it for a couple of days and was miraculously cured!  NOT.  I got the instant result of pounds down fast and decided to try AGAIN at reasonable eating in moderate amounts without restricting certain items that always trigger me.  And this is how I have arrived at the place I am today.  Make a note...2 days of healthy clean eating does not cure one of a food addiction.

Right now, I honestly feel scared to death of anything that isn't on the food plan.  I am powerless over sugar, fried foods, breads, crackers, lite kettle corn from Trader Joe's, white flour items.  And more.  I just can't predict where a bite will take me.  That's the reality today.  I am praying for acceptance of that fact and the ability to just eat my food plan today.  I had a clean day yesterday which is standard procedure after the scale drops a heap'o' bad news on me like yesterday.  But I didn't get on the scale today because usually after a clean day with lots of water that follows the weight horror, I might drop over 4 pounds from the day before, thereby settling down my reaction to the horror (though from this new high of yesterday 4 pounds would not smooth things out much).  Thereby making "one bite of _______" seem safe.  Not happening today.  Hopefully not tomorrow either, though I can't promise.  I can really just work a day at a time right now.

So the weight is public, Vickie.  You were right that I should post it.  Other bloggers have the courage to be totally honest, as opposed to the "a tiny morsel of honesty" I'm so much more comfortable with.  But comfort has availed me nothing but out-of-control eating episodes and extra pounds.  This feels like jumping off a cliff, but I've been lifted up before when I was able to summon the ooomph to step away from the cliff into an unknown that can't possibly be any worse than the hell of an active addiction.  I'm so grateful that I have the experience of my struggle to sobriety to offer me hope that there can be a rich and full life without the crutch of a substance.

10 comments:

  1. What a wonderfully written post Leslie! I know that you hard for you, but being all the way honest will only help you in the end!

    Just keep taking it a day at a time and I'll continue to be your cheerleader!

    Hugs!
    Biz

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  2. :D Leslie, You are a profound, wise, humorous and COUAGOUS woman. This was a sincere and heartfelt post. lovely.

    It's funny, I was just thinking this morning about something a blogger said about losing weight. What she said was true, but not as clear cut as some would think. She said that the way you stick to your food plan is to DECIDE to stick with it.

    Like I said, it is true--except. And here is the except I was thinking about this morning--which fits in with this post. :)

    I had decided to lose weight and stick with my healthy, reasonable food plan. I had. And I tried so hard. And I couldn't.

    I was doing everything right. I listened to Weight Watchers and health people and added lots of whole wheat and barley. And just couldn't stick. By evening or at any food event (excuse), I ate off plan, then I binged.

    Here's the part that's pertinent to this: I realized this morning that EVERY TIME I had a bite of gluten, it was like an alcoholic who was trying to stay sober by having just one drink. I couldn't do it--BUT I didn't KNOW I was having that one drink!

    That's the thing about "deciding". No matter how much deciding I did, as long as I had that one drink--I could not follow through.

    Now, I can have a little sugar. It does not trigger me at all. I can eat all kinds of things in moderation--fat--sugar--potatoes-and not binge. I just can't have that one drink! Which for me, as you know, is anything gluten.

    So. Maybe this food plan will help you discover what your one food drink is. It could be your key. Good for you.

    Deb

    Oh. Re: the 8 pounds in a week. Do not get all shamed about that. Last Sunday, in my attempt to glutenize for the gluten rash biopsy, I had cake and hot dog buns. On MOnday, I woke up SIX pounds heavier than I was on Sunday morning. One day of gluten = SIX pounds. When we eat our poison, we break out in pounds. It is what it is.

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  3. I'll be your cheerleader too!

    Also, I would suggest not weighing in more than 1 time per week. Fluctuations every day can throw you in one direction of another.

    You said it, and now it doesn't have to get any worse. In January of this year, I stepped on the scale and was at my all time high of 207. I had never seen those numbers in my life! So, it got me started in a more serious direction. Today I am 181, and feel so much better. I still have a ways to go, but I just take it day to day!

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  4. I love reading your posts, weather you have a great week or a not so great week. We are all here to help you through the tougher times and cheer you through the clean, great ones!
    I love this quote that was in my 'body + soul' magazine this month: "The road to wellness isn't straight, clear, or predictable. It's a path you forge yourself!" You make a bad food choice, you have to just get right back to eating right again. Your tomorrow starts today:)

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  5. Leslie, I am so proud of you for doing this. This, at least to me, sounds like a real solid move. You are awesome Leslie -- absolutely AWESOME!

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  6. I want you to read the part where you say you are powerless over certain foods... and while you are choosing to restrict those foods from your diet claim that you are INDEED powerful over those things and need to tell yourself so...while you are choosing not to eat them you are taking power over... so you already have the language in your memory of what you ARE capable of instead of reminding yourself you are not.

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  7. Hi Leslie-I am so thankful everytime you take the time to stop by my blog and drop me a few lines: You are an encouragement. Yes, yes you are. You are honest, you know who you are and you know where you want to be: Do you have all the answeres? Who does!! No-one. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

    KUDOS to you for hanging tough when all your instincts say to hide in a corner and sulk!

    You are a fighter-nothing has changed that :)

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  8. The last two posts have been brutally honest and that is not easy - not only to admit that stuff to yourself, but also to put it out here. I really admire you for this, Leslie. I couldn't, didn't, put my weight on my blog for over a year...it was so hard for me to face that most of the time I just wanted to ignore it, even though I was losing! And from one fellow "hint dropper" to another, I so get you.

    You know what to do. Be accountable, and good things will happen. I am rooting for you, and know that you have it in you to do this!

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  9. I love the posts where I can really and truly tell someone left their ego at the door. and this was one of those gems.

    And the friends/readers who REALLY count will respect and recognize the reality of these types of posts rather than the 'sugar coated' ones.

    Loved every word. And love that it came from the heart.

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  10. Good going girl. I KNEW you had it in you to be brutally honest. Believe me, we all know how hard it is to admit our shortcomings or complete failures. Like I said before, you know exactly what you need to do - both in the food arena and in the emotional arena - to be a completely whole, healthy person. We feel for you, understand it more than we'd like to admit, and we love you anyway. Keep on keeping on Leslie.

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