Friday, August 21, 2009

In the foxhole

When I get anxious I want to eat. Regardless of the angst source, food, no, eating food, comes to my mind in the face of certain anxieties. It is a visceral feeling; I can taste the salt, feel the chips shatter under the clench of my teeth, cold butter atop crusty bread contrasting each others' textures on my tongue. The wash of relief in the eating chased so subtly by the certainty of self recrimination and shame that another swallow will rinse cleanly away. Until after it's done and the shame and self berating can't be silenced.

I'm in it right now...just an hour after writing about my half-marathon shirt fitting. The thought comes, "If I enter into the binge, I will stop feeling this way." I can clearly make this connection in the moment, which nails me with a choice. The choice is freedom or continued self-constructed prison. For now I'm choosing to hang on to freedom though I don't feel the expansiveness that the connotes. But I can put off the binge for now. Maybe later. Just not now.


  1. Hi Leslie. Just started reading your blog. I wanted to say how great it is that you can "put off the binge for now". Because the main thing about bingeing is that it's a thing which demands satisfaction *right now*. To even be able to say "later" to it is incredible control. The chance to reconsider, to try other things, to think about what it is we could do for ourselves that would *truly* make us feel better - rather than the momentary hit of bingeing.

    I am struggling with this myself right now, so I think you are doing really well!

    All the Best,

  2. Hey there friend :)

    I know its a big deal to be able to put off a binge AT ALL. You did a good thing there.

    I hope your weekend went well! And stay fittin' in that shirt, ok? Make it loose!

    Hugs :)