Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Oh, the weight thing

Today my weight was 200.0 the first step on, and 199.3 on the second. Sorry to say I've been alternating one clean eating day with a clean day + bingey evening. So I'm not gaining significantly, though up from my low of 198 some days back. On my way to work today I was pondering this self-crafted plateau upon which I'm treading, and realizing that part of me isn't sure I want to continue to lose.

That sounds so crazy, and I know I DO want to keep going. But there is some inner resistance that I can't identify yet. I've gotten to this point before in the last 10 years...literally this 196-200 pound place, where the vapors of success are visible, tangible...and ended up backing away. This time I'm really aware of my trepidation about losing more, which is good. But I really can't get a handle on what is the source of the trepidation. It's like I've been a heavy, kind of moosey woman for so long that I can't imagine not being this way anymore. And even as I write this, I can feel my eyes fill up a little, and my shoulders tighten. There is something here that I desire to investigate and understand, but also that I'm afraid of. This is more awareness than I've had before at this point.

My hope, my prayer, is that I hang in with myself and give myself some quiet time each day for meditation and reflection, to see what comes up about all this. In the meantime, I intend to maintain where I am, hopefully, because if I start the crazy eating behavior again, my access to my soul and my truest self will vanish. Active food addiction is an excellent method to abandon oneself, and I've done enough of that to last several lifetimes. It's time to journey within, rather than to the kitchen and the take out joints.


  1. This is a really good post Leslie. At least you are aware of the problem and have enough experience now to take it really slowly for a while from here. Much better to stick where you are for a while than either push yourself before you are psychologically ready or abandon the whole thing again. In a situation like this all you can do is try to take the long view and work at greater enlightenment of mind (leading to greater enlightenmant of body!). Meditation is great for this.

    Making the mental adjustments to accompany your weight loss is definitely the most difficult part of the process - as though the rest of it was easy, lol! I have reached the point before where the inside, my concept of myself as a fat ugly clunking person, didn't match the outside which was thin at that time. I couldn't reconcile the two.

    I can only advise you to go slow. Perhaps things like only setting a goal of one dress size at a time and when you reach it buying some nice clothes. And taking photos at each dress size maybe! And then sticking at that size until you are really sure about moving on.

    This is the only idea I have at the moment. That is the only goal I am setting myself right now. Of course I'd like to do better but I know I have to be realistic. And I can always set a new goal in the future.

    Hope this is helpful,
    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  2. Thanks for checking out my blog Leslie! I know where you are. One time on WW I had lost almost 50 lbs and was down to almost 220's. That is the lowest weight I ever remember being from my teen years. As I got closer to reaching it, I started going off the plan and the pounds crept back. It is somewhat the fear of the unknown, or what happens next? I don't remember what it was like to be smaller than that. It IS scary. I sadly don't know how yet to overcome it. Maybe stop looking at the scale for a while, meanwhile making good food and exercise choices. Then when you surpass the goal you can be amazed instead of always wondering if you are going to make it!

    Jodie -