Getting my groove back

Last week was rough...I was off my beam in every way. I was emotionally hungover from ending up in the ER that Friday night 10 days ago. Though the outcome was good (a UTI that has now been treated), it was scary lying there on a stretcher with my heart racing at over 130 and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Even though I was pretty sure I'd be okay, I had thoughts of much scarier outcomes that included: being admitted for a big work up, having developed some condition that would alter the course of my life, never seeing my kids again, and even dying. UGH! That all sounds dramatic, but lying in an ER with people sticking needles in veins and EKG leads on my various parts was unnerving. I already have a health anxiety thing that kicks up from time to time that originated in childhood when my father had numerous big health events complete with middle of the night ambulance calls and other assorted traumatic things for a kid to see. So health related issues stir up fears from which it takes me awhile to recover.

On Wednesday last week I posted about realizing that at some inner level I was aware of feeling ambivalent about continuing the weight loss effort. It sounds crazy that I'd feel this way given my fat history and current weightloss success; but writing about it helped me to get a handle on some of my feelings over the last few days. I realize that I really can't envision myself other than the way I've been for the last 20 years...always weighing between 210 and 237, usually in the low 220s. Countless times in my life I've been the biggest person in the room, the biggest in my immediate group of friends. Granted, in the broad scheme of overweight women and with being 5'9", I've been under the lower end of the bell-shaped curve; but fat is fat, and where I've been at. I've lamented, dieted, exercised, lamented some more, tried and failed again and again to get a grip on my compulsive food-addicted aoereating, and ultimately never been able to find true acceptance of myself as a fat lady. So how on earth can I be stuck every time I get to this range of weight I mentioned Wednesday, which is 196-200 lbs?

I didn't weigh this morning because I got kind of bingey last night, eating a Mr. Goodbar, a Hershey Bar (big ones of these), 2 bowls of ice cream, 2 pieces of bread with copious amounts of butter, potato chips and some other crap that doesn't come to mind. All this after a big dinner. Yesterday morning I was 199.1, and when I saw that, while feeling okay, I knew...KNEW..that eventually yesterday I'd overeat. The only question was when. I held off until about 5 pm, then was on a food-seeking mission the rest of the evening. So I don't need to weigh to know that the first number of my weight today is not a 1! I've been playing around like this for a couple of weeks. A good couple of days get me back to the high 190s which then "entitles" me (or scares me?) to binge back up for an evening or two. Back and forth...a diminutive version of the yoyo plan of weight management I've been on for 2 decades.

SO. Here's the deal. I'm stopping it. No matter what, I commit to stay on my food plan for this week regardless of what the scale says, or my anxious head tells me, or any other psycho-bullshit I experience. I have experience that prepares me for the fact that curtailing all my bingeing will probably unearth some feelings of anxiety or fear or something. They are feelings only. They will not hurt me. Feelings aren't facts. I will thank my head and my heart for sharing thoughts and feelings, and I will stay on my plan of sane eating and daily exercising. There are many resources at my disposal if I find myself feeling compulsive, anxious, or wanting to binge and I will use them as needed. I'm ready to break through the 196 lb barrier. I haven't been lower than that in at least 10 years, so how do I know it will feel weird or scary? One thing I'm sure of...it'll feel great to see myself through my inner resistence and come out the other side stronger and healthier.