Friday, October 1, 2010

Scared Straight

When I first stepped on the scale this morning, I was stunned.  Immediately following, I thought I couldn't possibly post the real number that appeared.  People will stop reading my bullshit.  I'm not getting this together.  I've done nothing but struggle, maintain or gain since February.  I'm closing the blog and ignoring emails asking if I'm okay.  It's an old strategy of mine...crawl into a hole and disappear when I'm floundering.  Go AWOL for a abit.  Because I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I feel like a total head case.

The first sign that I'm emotionally and mentally healthier than I used to be is that I'm going to do the opposite of each of those things I wrote about above.  I am going to post my real weight up to the tenth of a pound.  I was 214.5 today.  Last Friday I was 207. On Wednesday morning (the morning after the 2nd consecutive day of my close encounter with donuts and other assorted toxins) I weighed 210.  Yes, even if it's partly water weight, it's real weight.

I knew I'd had a bad week.  4 out of the 7 days were overeating extravaganzas, and not in a good way.  No exercise since Sunday.  Some changes on the home front that are good, but stressful nonetheless.  I worked hard at keeping my denial strong and intact...not consciously.  Not deliberately.  But looking back I see it clearly and also recognize other indications of me being way off my beam. 

I haven't wanted to go to my morning aa meeting.  Very unusual.  And guess what has been behind that - and I was aware of this all week - my clothes don't feel good, they're a little snug - it's been too hot to cover up in long pants and long sleeve shirts and the summer stuff feels stale, and SNUG.  I missed 2 mornings this week.  I've felt fat, ugly and out of control.  But still saying to myself that probably I was doing more okay that I thought.  Despite the midweek gain that I thought I could turn around by Friday (and could have if I'd worked at it).  This is kind of scary. 

I am going to update my Hot 100 goals because we are supposed to do it once a week.
1.  Limit calories to 1700/day.  With tracking for accountability.   * I did this one day only.  Last Friday.
2.  Exercise at least 20 minutes 6 days/week.  *I did 3 out of 7.  One day I did an hour and 20 minutes.  30 the other 2.  Nothing after Sunday.
3. 100% accountability and honesty with my reporting here every Friday.  *Yes. Believe me, I wouldn't make this shit up.
4.  Weekly weigh in only on Fridays.  *I already confessed that I weighed Wednesday morning because of the donut debacle.  Turns out it didn't help, huh?
5.  Stay in this challenge through the end regardless of my adherence to or accomplishment of goals.  No dropping out.    *I'm still here.

I don't ever want to have another update like this one.  Of course my weight jolted me this morning...I was preparing myself for 210 or 211.  Can't even describe seeing that number this morning.

And so I say I'm scared straight.  Cutesy title; sincere in this moment.  And all day, for that matter.  I believe I can have a clean food day today and will be exercising after work.  But I'm really shaken up at a deep level, because I'm afraid of myself and my food addiction now.  It's raging, and I'm not sure why.  With alcoholism, there is the disease concept that says you may never know why.  But if you have the disease, you better deal with it or ultimately it will take you out.  I can list the stressors, reasons, excuses.  But the bottom line is this week I've wanted unbridled eating more than I've wanted to lose weight.  I know that.  I just am not sure how to get my deep desire for leanness and fitness back. 

I'm in a foxhole now, so complacency is not an option.  But I get back to 207 in a few days, and will I fall down again into wanton eating?  I know the desire to do that will return, because it always does.  I know I don't have to give in because there have been many times I haven't.  But this week I sure gave in.

That's about it for now.  I want to tell people to not give me cheerleading encouragements assuring me that I can do it, that I'm worth it, that they're behind me supporting me and have faith in me.  I know it's all true, but how many times does one person have to be cheered on, reassured and have her wounds soothed?  UGH.  I'm not shutting down the blog and I'm not giving up.  I know I'm worth it.  I deserve to be free from food obsession.  I know all this.  I just don't know how to get my desire back.


  1. Basically you need to "flip the switch" and it's just not staying on. When the switch is on, you KNOW it's on but when it's off, it makes everything SO HARD. My switch has been shut off all summer and I just CAN'T GET IT BACK UP. Trust me lady, I KNOW what you are talking about.

    Cheerleading helps to a degree but only YOU can get that switch flipped up. Only you.

    By the way, I totally snagged the flip the switch thing from Charlie from Back to the Fridge. If you can get a hold of his book, do it.

  2. I've often said I need a coach more than a cheerleader ... here goes. The games not over, but if you want to win you've got to get your head in the game. You've got to toughen up. You've got to follow the game plan. Get ready to show up for practice and if you get hit hard, get your butt up off the ground and be ready for the next hit. Listen to your fellow players that may have some advice for the blitz. Get the sleep you need, and keep your body hydrated. Are you ready to fight!


  3. Not going to give up on you ! It's a journey, a learning process and perpetual refinement. If we were perfect, we would not be in this place to begin with, but sorting out the specific imperfections can take a long time. It's not the destination , but the journey that makes for must follow blogs !

  4. Just for today, can you not eat junk? And if it gets harder, can you put it off for an hour? And then another hour? I think you have to approach this like you did alcohol, although in my opinion food is harder because you HAVE to eat. Don't give up - and thank you for your honest post. I'm rooting for you, Leslie!

  5. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. That's why we're here. If this "weight thing" were so easy, we'd all be thin. I'm glad you're not shutting down the blog, because that won't make you get back on track. Perhaps the Hot 100 challenge will help. I've also been tracking on Spark People, which has been an eye opener. Sometimes I am eating more calories than I think. Glad you are hanging in there...

  6. When my clothes got snug I stopped going to church. Not a good decision. It makes me feel at "dis-ease". Good for you to come clean on the weigh in. It's just a number. You have a plan. Just drinking more H20 helps me so much. Sometimes I forget that.

    Have a good weekend!

  7. I stuffed my pom poms in the closet.
    My hands are folded in my lap... no poor-baby pats on the back.

    You didn't quit.
    You didn't run away.
    You didn't hide.

    Gutsy lady, you!


  8. Well, you know what you need to do, so I guess there's not much to say.

  9. Leslie, I'm 59. Two and 1/2 years ago I started losing weight and lost 50 pounds down to almost my goal. Right when I got to 50 pounds down my dad had a stroke and I was the point-person and I regained all but 10 pounds in the next year. I decided that I would not give up, even tho I was gaining at every WW weigh in. I didn't. I went every single week. Finally, last May, something clicked and I'm doing it. I'm feeling like this is for good. It took me forever. But I kept trying and learned a whole lot along the way. Good luck.

  10. Think of this journey like pedaling a bicycle. Sometimes the change of gears are smooth and we just keep powering on ahead. Sometimes the gear changes are bad and the chain rattles and stalls and it takes a while to gain any forward momentum. But we just keep pedaling until the gear (our motivation) catches right and we surge forward again.

    Something that has helped me return to a more healthful path is to promise myself that I can eat as much as I want, as long as it is grilled or green. No restriction on anything but the type of food. Coming off a binge-y time is difficult and sets me up to try for perfectionism, which usually ends in failure. So if I can just ease on back by sticking to the grilled or green mantra, it allows me to have some success with the mental part of this path.

    I admire your guts and your honesty, Leslie.

  11. I am so, so, proud of you for posting this. And that's not a cheerleading comment either. That's the truth. I know what it took.

    Now let's get this weight off!

  12. I too am so proud of you for admitting where you are in this thing. That's a major step. So glad you did not retreat!!! I just posted the following on another blog, but it's so good. A dear friend posted this on my blog yesterday. I needed a kick in the pants and this helped me so much. I hope it helps you!!!

    Ann (-13 lbs in -60 lb challenge) said...

    Joy! That "struggle" feeling is so frustrating, isn't it?

    Set yourself up for success. Make it downright difficult for you to blow it. For instance, if you like to snack at night, load up the frig with carrot and celery sticks and get rid of the junk (if any is in there). Cravings can be beat!

    Mostly, though, it is about mindset. No one can move you forward except you. If your efforts stop, so does your progress, and you've worked so hard (OVER 50 lbs gone!!!) to give any of that back. Get mad. Tell the craving demons HECK NO ... you are in control. Become the leader you have been, and show your body that you mean business.

    I had a three week struggle with a plateau. Up until this time, it has ALWAYS beaten me. Then I got mad. I thought, no matter how long my body tries to hold onto that weight plateau, I'm going to outlast it. And this time, I did!!

    You may just be tired (later in the day) or bored with your routine. But, whatever is at work to undermine your goals, you need to come up with a counter attack. You can do this! You have already kicked 50+ lbs to the curb!! I've NEVER lost that much weight (I hope to do it this time though) ... I know you have the ability and the strength, you just need to tap into that again.

    Just remember, we succeed on just one good decision at a time. Make enough of those in a row, and you have forward, downward, progress!!


  13. :) You're still here. :)


  14. You're honest and you will lose the weight! It might take you longer but I can't see you giving up. This is a new week and new month- PLAN ahead and then if you have to adjust, do it.

  15. Been there, done that; no stranger to the feelings of dismay and disgust. Sometimes, it takes rock bottom..... Don't know why. Can't explain any of this. Our cross.

    Your honesty is appreciated. There are few easy days in this battle, and you shouldn't hide because you've had a streak of bad ones. Be brave. Stick with us and we'll help you get through.


  16. Leslie, I did this same thing in August and stepped on the scale to find a gain the same amount of yours. It took all of September to get back on track and I understand that I am still vulnerable. Don't set yourself up for more turmoil by expecting to lose it all tomorrow. Look at it as a new beginning and forget the past. There are 134 reasons listed on your sidebar to do just that. They follow you because your writing (in the good and the bad) is worth reading and because they consider you a friend and are behind you no matter what. I know because I am one of them! Sharon

  17. Leslie, I'll respect your wish and not offer the cheering today, but I will say I am proud of you for not giving up, for not burying your head in the sand, and for continuing on this journey. That says a lot, doesn't it?

  18. Damn....always late to the party! Have I ever told you I'm your biggest fan?? :)