Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Beginning again. Again.
I know you've all been losing sleep over my sliced index finger, so here's an update pic. It's definitely healing nicely. It looks like less that it was when I did it, which is entirely annoying because any sympathy I'd shamelessly hustled will likely be gone now. I'm finding myself very nervous holding and using knives since this most recent incident. But I'm also paying attention to what I'm doing a lot more.
I think I may have said something in my Monday post about wondering if I'd have a delayed reaction to re-entry from my nice weekend getaway in Atlanta. (If I didn't, I was thinking about it.) My food had been good while away and the couple weeks before, and other than a little return trip eating on Sunday I was feeling very solid, determined and regrounded in my weight loss efforts. Well, Monday night I ended up eating some Reese's ice cream my son brought home (Do. Not. Try. This. Without. Adult. Supervision.) OMG - delicious and nicely textured, which is a bad combo for me. My intention was to have 2 scoops. I had more. Then the dam broke and I ate 2 granola bars, and several other junkie things there is no point in recounting. Yesterday was better, but the granola bars beaconed again, so today the rest of them came with me to work and that's the end of them in my humble abode.
I'm just feeling disheartened and depressed about my lack of tenacity in the weight loss realm now. I want back what I had last year at this time - a focused and determined effort to keep doing all the things that were bringing me success, fueled by a desire to get in shape. Also fueled by feeling hip bones and ribs that had been buried under human padding for several years. Clothes getting bigger, buying smaller sizes and feeling the elation of slipping into them without having to pray and bargain with the scale gods first.
I found some work pants today I hadn't worn since the spring because they were folded under a stack of sheets. They're warm ups, capri length, and suitable for today because it's very warm and muggy here right now. When I put them on, they felt much more snug than before. Certainly wearable, but definitely tighter. They've bagged out a bit over the workday, but the waist is still clinging to my dimpled flesh like a rock climber hanging on for dear life.
I know I can't get back something I had a year ago. I can only strive to acquire the desire and work ethic that will bring me the results I was getting back then. Begin again, again. Just like I can't retrieve my 28 y/o bikini ready body, I can't lose weight and improve my fitness on last year's effort. Nor can I rekindle the fire. I have to build a new fire that fits where I am today. Frustrating, esp. with the Hot 100 and doing pretty well with it in the last 2 weeks. I know all is not lost, and also that I will never give up. But I'm tired of starting again. Again.
It's funny - I feel like a total head case about this issue - my eating disorder. Pretty much in every other area of my life, I'm competent, capable, confident about who I am and what I can accomplish. Plenty of friends, support, great family, decent job (except when I hate it, and even then I know it's better than decent). And I know the old adage "it's not what your eating, it's what's eating you", but I'm here to tell you that it IS what I'm eating. Which comes first, the disordered head or the disordered eating? Each exacerbates the other, but I know enough from AA recovery to know that you can't really think your way into right acting. You have to act your way into right thinking. They say "bring the body around, the mind will follow". Whatever is at the core, as long as I'm eating more than what my body needs and is physically hungry for, I have no access to what's eating me anyway. It's all stuffed away somewhere.
You've heard this all before from me. I believe I'm going to find healing from overeating and peace with food. I just hope it's before I die. In fact, I hope it starts today, and know for certain that it CAN.
I took fewer pics than I intended, probably as much due to camera phobia as from the fact that Tammy and I kept talking so much that it slipped my mind. It was such a good evening. There will be more in our future!
Here are a few more pictures from my trip: This was my first time ever driving a truck, let alone a shiny red one! I had to borrow cars (and trucks) to get around because I tried to rent a car too late to get one for less than $500 for the 4 days I was in Atlanta - I'd sooner have put on my hiking boots and tracked along than interstates than pay that much. It was my BIL's truck, and I decided I needed picture proof of being a truck drivin' mama (despite photo-phobia!)
That's it from me. Now I have to prepare for speaking at an AA meeting at 5:30 on the 10th step. Please send positive vibes my way, as you always do, that I am able to take this food and eating endeavor one day at a time. So far, today is good. I intend to keep it that way, and also to go put on clothes where I don't feel so doughy. Here's to beginning again. Again.