Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Beginning again. Again.

I know you've all been losing sleep over my sliced index finger, so here's an update pic.  It's definitely healing nicely.  It looks like less that it was when I did it, which is entirely annoying because any sympathy I'd shamelessly hustled will likely be gone now.  I'm finding myself very nervous holding and using knives since this most recent incident.  But I'm also paying attention to what I'm doing a lot more.

I think I may have said something in my Monday post about wondering if I'd have a delayed reaction to re-entry from my nice weekend getaway in Atlanta.  (If I didn't, I was thinking about it.)  My food had been good while away and the couple weeks before, and other than a little return trip eating on Sunday I was feeling very solid, determined and regrounded in my weight loss efforts.  Well, Monday night I ended up eating some Reese's ice cream my son brought home (Do. Not. Try. This. Without. Adult. Supervision.)  OMG - delicious and nicely textured, which is a bad combo for me.  My intention was to have 2 scoops.  I had more.  Then the dam broke and I ate 2 granola bars, and several other junkie things there is no point in recounting.  Yesterday was better, but the granola bars beaconed again, so today the rest of them came with me to work and that's the end of them in my humble abode.

I'm just feeling disheartened and depressed about my lack of tenacity in the weight loss realm now.  I want back what I had last year at this time - a focused and determined effort to keep doing all the things that were bringing me success, fueled by a desire to get in shape.  Also fueled by feeling hip bones and ribs that had been buried under human padding for several years.  Clothes getting bigger, buying smaller sizes and feeling the elation of slipping into them without having to pray and bargain with the scale gods first.

I found some work pants today I hadn't worn since the spring because they were folded under a stack of sheets.  They're warm ups, capri length, and suitable for today because it's very warm and muggy here right now.  When I put them on, they felt much more snug than before.  Certainly wearable, but definitely tighter.  They've bagged out a bit over the workday, but the waist is still clinging to my dimpled flesh like a rock climber hanging on for dear life.

I know I can't get back something I had a year ago.  I can only strive to acquire the desire and work ethic that will bring me the results I was getting back then.  Begin again, again.  Just like I can't retrieve my 28 y/o bikini ready body, I can't lose weight and improve my fitness on last year's effort.  Nor can I rekindle the fire.  I have to build a new fire that fits where I am today.  Frustrating, esp. with the Hot 100 and doing pretty well with it in the last 2 weeks.  I know all is not lost, and also that I will never give up.  But I'm tired of starting again.  Again.

It's funny - I feel like a total head case about this issue - my eating disorder.  Pretty much in every other area of my life, I'm competent, capable, confident about who I am and what I can accomplish.  Plenty of friends, support, great family, decent job (except when I hate it, and even then I know it's better than decent).  And I know the old adage "it's not what your eating, it's what's eating you", but I'm here to tell you that it IS what I'm eating.  Which comes first, the disordered head or the disordered eating?  Each exacerbates the other, but I know enough from AA recovery to know that you can't really think your way into right acting.  You have to act your way into right thinking.  They say "bring the body around, the mind will follow".  Whatever is at the core, as long as I'm eating more than what my body needs and is physically hungry for, I have no access to what's eating me anyway.  It's all stuffed away somewhere.

You've heard this all before from me.  I believe I'm going to find healing from overeating and peace with food.  I just hope it's before I die.  In fact, I hope it starts today, and know for certain that it CAN.
Finally I'll post some pictures from the Atlanta trip - esp. of my dinner with Tammy.  I'll give a brief confession to you that I gave her in much more detail...I HATE having my picture taken.  Well, actually I hate how I look in pictures because I'm the least photogenic person in the free world.  As i smile for a pic, I'm already worried about how I'll look, and that shines through.  Old pathology, old baggage.  Thanks Mom, but whatever.  I is what I is, so here it is:

My entree was a scallop dish with fresh string beans that were awesome (can you spell B-U-T-T-E-R?) I forget what else was in it, but it was truly delicious, and short of picking up my empty plate and licking the residual flavored remnants left, I ate every drop!

I took fewer pics than I intended, probably as much due to camera phobia as from the fact that Tammy and I kept talking so much that it slipped my mind.  It was such a good evening.  There will be more in our future!

Here are a few more pictures from my trip: This was my first time ever driving a truck, let alone a shiny red one!  I had to borrow cars (and trucks) to get around because I tried to rent a car too late to get one for less than $500 for the 4 days I was in Atlanta - I'd sooner have put on my hiking boots and tracked along than interstates than pay that much.  It was my BIL's truck, and I decided I needed picture proof of being a truck drivin' mama (despite photo-phobia!)
This is my college son, Mark, who I visited - looking every bit the college boy bum at the Saturday night family party - he was getting ready to watch the Phillies get beaten and ousted from another World Series' run.  Yes, it looks as though his jeans are hanging rather low on his annoyingly thin hips.
Finally, above are my SIL (Episcopal priest of BIL trucker) and me at lunch in the little town where she has just been named new Rector of an adorable church.  She took me up to show me the town and her new place of employment, and we had a great time.  The church looks like a prop from a movie about an Episcopal country church.  This SIL tolerates my irreverence with ease and lots of laughs.  We get along great.

That's it from me.  Now I have to prepare for speaking at an AA meeting at 5:30 on the 10th step.  Please send positive vibes my way, as you always do, that I am able to take this food and eating endeavor one day at a time.  So far, today is good.  I intend to keep it that way, and also to go put on clothes where I don't feel so doughy.  Here's to beginning again.  Again.


  1. Tired of starting again, huh? Well you've got two choices and I'd bet a good sum of money that I know which one you'll choose! Once you get going again and have a few days under your belt you'll regain that confidence you had.


  2. OMG - I ate granola bars too! I have not had them in ages despite their constant presence in our house for my teen. What is with that?! Let's make a pact - no more granola bars. Zip, zero. I wish I could just get rid of ours:(

  3. I think starting again--and again--is part of the journey for many of us. The trick is not to wait too long to start again after a lapse. That way, it won't get away from us.

    I have also had to start again, this week,k after having a "not so good" weekend, but it's better than going in the other direction. I posted about it today. Hang in there--we're all doing this together.

  4. Oops--sorry for the typo. Sometimes I'm in too much of a hurry, and I hate my new keyboard. It has a weird touch...too bad I got rid of my old one.

  5. Trying to figure out what restaurant you and your SIL are eating in, lol......just keep dusting yourself off girl...we'll get it one of these days. I truly believe that. I believe in you. :)

  6. I feel for you...this has been the worst year for start overs for me, but the key is the starting again part. You will never be a failure if you keep trying.

  7. I wish I could remember where I heard it, but I remember a story about a boxer, and it was commented that he was always getting knocked down. He replied, "Yeah, but the trick is, always get up one more time than you are down." Not always the most fun, but you will do it. Positive hugs!


  8. I love the picture of you in the truck and am dually impressed that you drove it! I would have been running over curbs and all sorts of things.

    I think you photograph quite nicely. Ignore your mother's voice. Looks like you and Tammy had a great time together!

    Hope you are feeling more on track today, food-wise. Some days are just rough, I know.

  9. I love that you were a truck driving momma!! So glad you posted the pics of you and Tammy - you look beautiful!

    Good luck with your AA speech - I know you'll do great!

  10. Each day is a new beginning, a fresh start. Take it a day at a time. Hell, an hour at a time, if need be. :)

  11. Hey girl! I looked up the butternut squash yesterday on sparkpeople. It's 82 calories for 1 cup. I had 1/4 of the whole squash, which was a small squash as far as butternuts go...figured it to be about 1 cup. And just so dang good. It has almost a light buttery taste to it, w/o adding any butter to it. Love it!! It's also good w/ a little brown sugar and butter on it, but I don't recommend doing that to it if you're going to have the whole squash to'll eat it all like I would, lmao....but if you're sharing with family...then adding the brown sugar and butter...just a tad, makes it almost like a sweet potato bake. Oh my heavens, I baked 3 small sweet potatoes this week also....they are 103 calories each due to their small size....I put just a tad of ICBINB on dang good. I brought another 1/4 of the butternut in for Billie to eat....she was hesitant because she'd never tried it...but she ate the whole thing, said how good it was, and is going to buy it and cook it herself now, lol. I just love the fall/winter squashes....going to bake an acorn squash this weekend! :)

  12. Oy, I'm late to the party... for some reason your post didn't show up in my reader! By now the AA speech is well over and I'm assuming it was fabulous simply because I'm sure it was. Your description of the waistband of your work pants made me Laugh. Out. Loud. So been there. I'm thinking it's a middle age thing with the thickening waist and all. Ah well.

    I hope today has been better for you. I know you already read my post today so you know my thought is that you should keep moving forward and stop going back to places you've already been.

    I'm cheering for you Leslie!

  13. Maybe it's just semantics, and so this won't help at all... ;-)

    But I never, ever start over.
    I never, ever start again.

    Until we perfect time travel, we can never go back and start over.

    But we CAN continue.
    We CAN keep going.

    I guess to me, I like that concept because it seems, to me, to include within it all the lessons I have learned (usually the hard way!) along the way. And that kind of gives me a head start.

    It also seems less daunting to me, not to have to start over, but to KEEP GOING.

    Oh well, like I said, maybe it's just semantics, LOL!

    I hope your 10 step talk goes wonderfully.