Back from the ledge

Thank you, thank you, thank you all of you wonderful bloggy friends for your restrained kind comments, support and love to my poor-pitiful-despicable-moi post yesterday.  Thanks for not listening when I said I didn't want to hear support and kindness and compassion.  Thanks for not asking me to leave blogdom because I'm a poster child for "Don't Let This Happen To You".  Thanks for giving me some gentle cheerleading even though I told you not to.  Because even though I was feeling lower than an earthworm's tummy, I desperately wanted and needed to know I was/am still accepted and welcomed here.  As always, this amazing blog community gave me what I needed and much more.  I'm starting to feel about blogging the same way I feel about AA:  "How do people live without this?"  Thankfully I don't have to wonder for myself, because I have it.  A place at the table with the rest of you.  (Let's think "conference table" rather than "kitchen table", given my current status!)  Words are truly inadequate to express my gratitude, and I feel all the more desiring to offer the same back to all of you.  That's how it works, huh?

I'm feeling better today.  Had a clean day yesterday with eating.  Stayed just under my 1700 cal. max for the day, thereby resisting the urge to restrict or starve so as to blast off the offending extra pounds muy pronto.  Drank lots of water and got an hour of exercise.  Told myself to stop being crabby with other people just because I gained 7 1/2 pounds in a week.

Also, this morning I did something different from my usual Saturday routine.  Yes - I went to my meeting at 7 am.  Yes- I went afterward and sat with friends at a lovely little cafe to chat and laugh our asses off.  But instead of eating at the cafe where the fare is delicious but limited (and always involves carb laden bread), I ate at home prior - having my oatmeal and then some plain Greek 0% yogurt with some pumpkin and a couple of splendas stirred in.  So my cafe intake was limited to coffee and the water in my own water bottle.  Saved $ and calories.  And the potential craving that could arise from eating bread - even organic 100% whole wheat bread.

It's a gorgeous fall day - crisp and bracing, so I will definitely get a long walk in at some point and not have to wring the sweat out of my clothes after.  My motivation right now is bring to mind the clear picture of the scale verdict from yesterday.  Unacceptable and frightening.  But better motivation will be wanting to continue to feel the way a few clean days invariably cause me to feel - good, clear headed, lighter of mood and full of hope and optimism.  Motivation to avoid the bad is much less compelling and effective than desiring and striving for the good.  I've proven that to myself a zillion times.  But for now, the vision of the horrific weigh in is doing just fine.  As I said, I'm afraid of myself and my potential for self destructive eating.  And I don't want to feel the emotional destitution and fear that comes from the out of control eating. 

Thanks again - I'm going to be checking in every day here for awhile, so if I don't, I'm probably hiding something or struggling.  Staying out in the open is essential for me - as they say - we're as sick as our secrets.  I'm totally sick and tired of being sick and tired.  So see you manana.