Wednesday whine list-not so much

I'll get to my quasi (for today) whine list in a minute, but first I just wanted to say that I lost a great friend and attended a funeral this week.

*No, praise God, it wasn't my close friend Lisa who I've written about here.*  She is my AA sponsor and amazing friend/mentor who was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer over 3 1/2 years ago, having never smoked a day in her life.  She continues to put one foot in front of the other - most recently undergoing gamma knife surgery for a large metastatic mass in her left hip.  Next week she will have a similar procedure over 3 days for a spot in the L5-S1 region of her spine.  Both these places have been treated with traditional radiation before that  yielded tremendous side effects, so the finer tuning of the new gamma knife procedures will hopefully help without making her so sick.  I probably will do a post on her and her remarkable brave journey with this cancer soon.  Witnessing her in this process has informed my life in many ways.

The friend I just recently lost was a guy from AA in his late 60s named Walt, who also had lung cancer.  But when he told me about it a little over a year ago and I expressed how sorry I was that he was having to go through it, he cracked, "Well, Babe, I smoked over goddam 50 years...I can hardly be surprised!"  He also faced his biggest challenge with a lot of grace and courage, though I didn't see much of him after finding out that he had cancer.

Walt had 26 years sober when he died, and before he got sick, was a fixture at many meetings, in service at several levels of the fellowship, and just as smart and funny as anyone I've ever known.  Smart, and WISE.  He was quick to extend himself to newcomers,  matter-of-fact with a no-nonsense approach and a call-you-on-your-shit style that, rather than being mean spirited, was always extended with humor and kindness.  I'm not going to say much more, other than he was locally famous in AA for always noting that "Sobriety is its own reward".  I always loved that, because so often people come in having lost a lot (family, homes, self respect...) and once they are starting to clean up and feel better and put together some sober time, things start getting better.  People who've lost their kids get them back, new jobs, new self respect - maybe for the first time ever.  BUT not always - sometimes the shit sandwiches keep coming, and you hear people say "I didn't get sober for THIS!"  And that's where Walt's sage words that sobriety is its own reward were so meaningful.  Not at the beginning...but with time the wisdom of that notion speaks volumes.  And about much more than giving up drinking.  Which leads me to the not-so-much whine...

On my last post, I had what was probably the only negative comment I've had since starting my blog in 2009.  Compared to negative comments I've read on other blogs, this was really not even negative.  I won't bore you with restating it - you can read it if you want here.  In summation, she said that she would no longer be reading my blog because I'm "playing" with weight loss", and that I needed a good "12-step kick in the ass".  This did not feel like a hater comment.  What is interesting is the reaction I had to it.

When I saw it, I immediately felt exposed.  Busted.  Publicly shamed.  My initial reaction was to delete it immediately so maybe no one would see it.  So here's the thing;  the person who called me on my shit (perhaps not as kindly as my buddy Walt) saw the IT before she wrote IT.  Part of the shame I felt was that I knew she was right.  I want to follow that with "at some level", but really, I am playing with weight loss.  I'll lose 5 pounds and then coast - translate:  eat back the 5 pounds over a few days.  Then call in the big guns again and whittle back off a few pounds.  It's been this way for me for a long time.

This all came to me within the few minutes after I saw the comment in the first place.  I left it there, because it was her opinion of what she was gleaning from my blog for however long she'd been reading it, not dripping with hate and acrimony.  Back in the beginning of this blog, I got into the very low 190's, starting from 220.  I was going to the gym regularly - following a program pretty closely and consistently.  I wish I could channel that Leslie back!  It's not that easy and it never will be.  I'm not giving up, and I hope that with enough staying on plan and doing the right things, there will be a new and improved Leslie that will be empower my/herself with her tenacity and progress.

Anyway - I am still sticking with mostly Paleo eating, and find it's a good fit for me.  I actually like unsweetened almond milk in my coffee.  I like having guilt free fruit.  I'm not a big dairy person, though I do miss plain NF Greek yogurt, but I've had a serving every other day or so.  Got in a 3.5 mile FAST walk yesterday with a friend, and am hitting the gym today, as it's supposed to rain.

I'm not giving up, and I'm not going anywhere but here.  I need all the blog world offers me.  And believe it or not, I actually thank "Kay", for having the brass to just state what she was seeing without being mean.