Friday, September 11, 2009

More truths revealed

After my hopeful post yesterday, I had an excellent work out at my gym after work. Then I came home and had a healthy snack that I didn't really want (but usually do), and that snack set off cravings. And I did succumb and overeat. It feels quite ridiculous to even post this, because I imagine any one reading to shake their heads in disgust and be thinking, "WTF Leslie"? What more can I say? I don't intend to do that today. I didn't intend to do it yesterday either. But it's over and I have to leave it in the past tense and be present today.

My post yesterday found me reflecting about catching myself in binge mode and trying to at least figuratively step back for a moment to think it through. I did in fact have the thought, after the 3rd piece of cheddar cheese and just before the Kashi chocolate peanut butter bar, "What is it that I really want right now?" But once the first compulsive bite is on board, it's pretty much inevitable that more will follow, and whatever it is that "I do want right now" will be back-burnered until the next morning. It would take amazing willingness to abort a binge after it has begun. It's possible though unlikely, at least for me. But this episode reminds me that it's easier to not binge before taking the first bite than after. That little nugget of wisdom was one of the few positive things I took from OA during the short time I attended the fellowship.

So now I add to my toolbox the idea that I can ask myself the "What is really going on here?" question as soon as my mind begins thinking of binge type foods rather than waiting until I've already started eating. Eureka!

Enough of the ancient history of 21 hours ago. Today's been a good day. I had a nice comment after my last post from biz319 at "Biggest Diabetic Loser". I checked out her blog and found it to be excellent; chock full recipes, information and her journey to lose 25 lbs as an insulin dependent diabetic who's determined to eat wonderful healthy food. Seeing her blog (I intend to read through the archives over the weekend) jolted me solidly, because I have been Type 2 Diabetic for about 2 years. So far I have not had to check my own blood sugars because my relevant lab tests have stayed at the top of the normal range, but I have the diagnosis and have not really accepted or acknowledged it. It has conjured up shame for me for some another confirmation of my fat-girl status. No more - in fact I had a lot of blood work done 2 weeks ago and haven't even called for the results. The fact that I haven't been contacted by my doctor tells me my results are okay, but as I'm sitting here typing, I just called my doc and asked to get a call back regarding the results.

That brings me around to the topic of honesty. If blogging isn't an anonymous venture (at least before the fame some bloggers eventually enjoy), I don't know what is. What better place to put it all out there? I have done a lot of that so far and gotten some great feedback, but continue to hold back for fear of sounding crazy, or sick, or somehow not worthy of being read. Obviously too much information isn't necessary or helpful, but a related health condition should have made the cut of my confessions.

Blogging is helping me a lot to process and address my stuff, and this is a great example. I really want to be as honest and real as possible. I think I mostly am, and then get blindsided by realizing I've left out an essential part of my overweight food-addicted story, the fact of having Type 2 diabetes. It's not true denial I'm's lack of acceptance and shame. So out of the closet I come, and hopefully without the need for daily blood sugar checks with a glucometer. My 23 pound weight loss since early June will surely put me in better stead in this regard. I will report when I hear back from the doctor's office.

Goal for the weekend - sane healthy eating and 4-5 mile walks both days. Beyond that, I'll have to see what comes along!


  1. Hi Leslie. Gym workout + binge = better than no workout + binge. It's a slow process addressing the bingeing but you ARE doing it.

    The fact that you have recently done the tests and are now talking about the diabetes means you ARE facing it.

    Remember, you are dealing with a lot right now with your eating, exercise, your attitude to your weight, your health, the psychological issues. You deserve a major pat on the back for putting all this out there and for trying to find different ways of doing things and thinking about things.

    Consistent effort IS going to get you where you want and need to be.

    I'm really happy to see your positive goals for the weekend. Enjoy your walking!

    Best wishes as ever,
    Bearfriend xx

  2. Hi Leslie - Thanks for your comment yesterday. When I get the urge to binge, it's helpful to me to focus on my hunger level. Not hungry, don't eat. If I decide I am hungry, then I eat something (whatever I want). More and more those food choices are becoming healthy, but not always. I try to measure things out beforehand. My desire to binge is usually rooted in boredom, so finding something to do is key for me as well.

    I'm at risk for type 2 diabetes, as I had gestational diabetes and my father has full-on type 2. Losing weight is getting me further and further from that hellhole.

    Enjoy your weekend!