Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hitting the wall

I've been away from my computer for all but the briefest moments in the last 2 days, leaving me only time to comment on a few favorite blogs but not catch up on my own. I'm going to write more later, but I just need to say that I'm finding myself giving in to after dinner eating just about every day since and including the weekend. I continue to hover at 198 pounds, and really haven't had one completely binge free day since I set a goal of getting to 190 by November 2 at the end of last week. It's a little scary to hear my mind starting to say, "Well, I could really wait to start on that goal until October 1, since it's only 8 pounds..."! If I fall back to my old ways, by October 1st I could have gained back 6 or 7 pounds AT LEAST. I need to be truthful here no matter how ridiculous and embarrassed I feel confessing this.

My current thoughts and actions are very typical of my pattern of doing great all day, and then having obsessive food and eating thoughts after dinner, when I'm really not hungry. It finally gets easier to just eat *something* not on plan, which I know damn well will lead to the next thing, then the next....ad nauseum. Literally nauseum. I'm conscious of what I'm doing and yet in some way I'm removed from the action of the binge-er. Does that make sense? I know I'll regret it. I don't want to do it. I'm hating myself simultaneous to feeling the soothing effect of a binge underway, and the relief of having left the debate by choosing to give in and eat what I want "just for tonight". HAH!

The only good news is that this recent bingeing is less frantic and much lower in volume than I'm capable of. But I've actually stayed awake later a couple of nights to "finish eating", knowing that I'm going to try to be binge-free the next day. That is, I'm sleepy and ready for bed, but I stay up on purpose to ensure I've eaten everything I can conjure up since I'll do better tomorrow. Eternal tomorrow. This borders on insanity.

As I sit here writing, I want to commit to not giving in to the binge-er tonight. She's not present anywhere now that I can sense, but I know she's lying in wait until after dinner. Last night I was determined to stand up to her, say no to the thoughts, and just feel the wanting. I realize only now, in this moment as I sit and process it all, that I never got as far as the wanting. I ate before it descended and permeated me. The chaos of food thoughts and deprivation became the wall; darkness through which I couldn't navigate. Maybe that darkness of abject wanting is where the answers dwell and where healing can be found. But I continue to get stuck before I allow myself into the dark places.

I'm hesitant to commit to anything at this point because I'm sick of not following through. I'm not a bad person...I keep other commitments. but this one to myself has me flummoxed. I'm going to try tonight to just feel the feelings and listen to the thoughts if they present. Maybe night vision goggles will help me in that darkness. I'll let you know how it goes.


  1. I have choc. binges all the time. I am a homemade bake addict. I love raw dough . I make brownies , cookies , fudge and cakes just so I can eat them raw. So I have not bought any cocoa or flour the last 2 times I went to the store. I broke down and got a box of brownie mix. It was great. But it is gone now so maybe I can make it . I also got my son some cookie dough in the tube. I need to be shot.
    If I get real hungry I drink a whole glass of water. Which makes me pee all night but at least It filled my tummy up. Good luck tonight . Drink a big glass of water. Hope it helps.

  2. Try brushing your teeth after you eat dinner. Often that will help me from eating something else. Or use mouth wash. Or maybe chew gum. Sometimes these things have worked for me. You can make your goal!

  3. Sometimes it helps just to know there's somebody else out there that understands what you're going thru. For me, the time of danger is mid afternoon. Often times I'm just bored. I've turned to blogging to get me thru, or reading, or napping or knitting. Something to keep me diverted. I wouldn't say I'm cured, probably never will be, but it's working for now.

  4. I completely understand what this feels like. I was a serious evening binger for 10 years. In committing to a weight loss plan and losing 150 pounds breaking that cycle was one of the hardest parts.

    You can do this. Just one night at a time. I tried keeping busy with my hands, drinking hot tea, having a planned snack and sometimes just going to bed.

  5. Wow! Thanks for all the encouragement. It really helps to know others have been through this. Great suggestions from all. This is the first time I've ever gotten 4 comments where one of them wasn't mine! Thanks again!

  6. I know the frustration of fighting the urge to binge, doing it anyway and having to deal with the aftermath. I hope you were able to stay strong tonight.