Thursday, September 17, 2009

The mindf*#k of shopping for a changing body

I have a happy dilemma underway these last few weeks. I've lost 22 pounds (and holding, unfortunately, due to my continued evening forays into the kitchen every 2-3days) since June, about which I'm thrilled and delighted. However, virtually none of my pants fit now. The clothes I've worn for the last several years have been 18s and 20s, or 2X depending on the sizing. My 2X tops still fit, though with more room and less cling to the underlying rolls beneath my bra band. But my bottom half has definitely shrunk at a greater rate, rendering me somewhere between a roomy woman's size 14 and a 16 in either woman's or regular sizing. Good news, yes?

I have 3 pairs of regular capris now (still wearing them as it's still pretty warm here) that fit me well at my new size. Two pairs are from 2 summers ago when I crashed off 35 pounds and stayed at that low (196) for about 5 minutes before the inevitable gain began. The other pair I bought a few weeks ago. I was hoping they'd do for awhile until I lose more so I don't spend money on clothes I won't wear too long. But 2 nights ago I had to go to a viewing, so needed to wear long pants and dress a little more formally. I had 2 pairs of black slacks in my closet I've worn a lot over the last few years, and when I went to put them on (both pairs) they were HUGE. They looked like clown pants, but I had no choice. I had to wear one of the pairs, and since the viewing was at night and I wasn't the one being viewed (thank goodness!) it was fine (though they felt ridiculous).

So last night I headed to Macy's looking for a decent pair of black pants and maybe a pair of jeans to get me started with the imminent cooler weather. Would you believe that nothing I tried on fit? And where the mindf*#k comes in is that I tried on the plus size 14s, some 16s in plus and regular, and even 18s. The 14s were skin tight in the waist, the 16s in both sizings were either too big or skin tight, depending on the pants. And the one pair of 18s I tried on because the correlating 16 was too tight was also skin tight. It was crazy. Nothing fit, and so that's what I came home with. Nada. Zip. At least I didn't spend any money, but I really need a couple things to change seasons. I'll head out to different stores over the weekend, but this really played with my head. When a 16 was too big, I felt glorious. When another 16 was too small, I felt fat and miserable. And when the 18 was tight, I felt like signing up for gastric bypass. All this over the course of about 45 minutes. Very crazy making.

So guess what I did? I came home and planned to have a cup of 60 calorie non-fat sugar free pudding. I ended up having 4 cups instead. Then I had a huge bowl of Breyer's 1/2 fat mint chocolate chip ice cream, and finally a slice of whole wheat bread and peanut butter. Just in case I come across a pair of size 18s that fit - this'll put 'em out of range. When I write about this, I actually feel mentally ill. Why? What did that accomplish? After 3 days of very healthy sane eating, my evening of shopping frustration imploded into a micro binge. (For me, that was don't want to know about the macro version.) It's over. I move on yet again.

And this afternoon I go for my monthly "body comp" and measurements by the trainer at my gym. It'll be interesting to see what's changed since I've only lost 2lbs over the last 30 days, but have continued with exercise and way more healthy eating than bingeing. Rest assured I'll post about it tomorrow. Wish me luck :) .


  1. My advice: Try other stores. I know Talbots and even Old Navy--even though you feel like you should be 16 to shop there, you'd be surprised! ( they have black pants!)-- tend to run a little roomier. Since I've been losing weight like you, I know how hard it is to find the right fit. Lands End on line is great b/c they have so many options and the "stretchy" style which I like. Don't give up hope! Be gentle!

  2. Thanks for the comment, Michelle! Actually you reminded me that I've recently bought another pair of pants...capri length jeans that are Lands End (from Sears) and they are 16 and already started to be a bit baggy even out of the wash. Good suggestions. See you soon, little friend!

  3. Hi Leslie. Well i think it's great to be needing smaller clothes and if I were you I'd be delighted when the smaller sizes were too big and just conveniently block the rest out of my memory!

    At least it was a micro binge. That's definitely better than a macro binge and is progress of sorts. Victoria Beckham has admitted bingeing on veg and so have several other TV personalities here. Such people manage to stay thin even though they are bingers as they eat very low calorie stuff so a huge amount won't end up putting on weight. I have overeaten large quantities of veg to the point of giving myself tummy ache nightly at certain times in my life and maintained a decent weight. I'm not suggesting you do this of course. Any bingeing is bad and makes you feel bad psychologically. But some people find it gets them through at difficult points in their life.

    Hope the body comp was good news!

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  4. Good job keeping it from being a macro binge! It's not a normal success, but it's still a successful thing! Trying on clothes is ridiculously frustrating! Don't be so hard on yourself!