Scale addiction

In my last post, I wrote about my most recent bout of evening bingeing, and how I often use the scale as a means of determining my eating behavior on any given day. Almost 2 weeks ago I set a goal for myself to get to 190 pounds by November 2nd, when we're leaving for the Dominican Republic to visit our daughter in the Peace Corps. I started at 198 pounds, and that gave me 6 weeks to work towards a pretty realistic goal. This morning I'd gained 2 pounds from the original weight, perpetuating a pattern I've been stuck in for at least 6 weeks, when I got as low as 197.

I have written about this scale behavior several times, and one fellow blogger, Friend of the Bear, has suggested (gently) several times that I stop with weighing so often. And being the dutiful (not so) little blogger, I included in my goal setting 2 weeks ago to weigh weekly only. I've already blown that weekly weighing a couple of times to take inventory of sustained damage incurred from my bingeing.

Today, Bearfriend wrote a wonderful comment to my post, and it wasn't as gentle as previous suggestions. In fact, she wrote, "If I lived near you Leslie, I'd come round and confiscate the scale and throw it off a cliff somewhere." She later noted, "As this route is not working for you maybe it is time to set different goals - like aiming for a specific dress size?"

Wow, is she ever right. She's been right, and this not so subtle kick in the pants has got me thinking seriously of getting rid of the scale and just weighing at either the gym or my doctor's office at no more than a weekly interval. And when I began thinking about that, I actually started to feel anxious and defiant, telling myself there is no way I could get rid of my scale. But I really can't handle it in the same way I can't eat "a couple" of M&Ms. If it's there in the bathroom, I can't not jump on it to see what's happening. If I put it on a shelf, I know I'll just get it down when I "need" to know my weight. It's pretty nuts, and the anxiety and trepidation I feel at the thought of getting rid of the scale are way out of proportion. And this is where I realized that at some level, I'm addicted to the scale and what it does for me. It either allows me leeway to overeat if the weight is down, or it yanks me back on track for a day or so when the weight is up. How can I not have it? It's scary. And it is a component of my eating disorder.

I've been sober for 18+ years and regularly attend AA meetings. One thing you hear a lot at AA meetings is that in order to get and stay sober, you have to be willing to go to any lengths to not pick up the first drink. Bearfriend's comment today put me in mind of that. Am I willing to give up the scale in order to continue on with my weightloss? I still have about 35-40 pounds to go, yet I'm stuck at this same 197-200 place for a long time now. I've lost 23 pounds, look better, feel better, can wear a smaller size (though 16 ain't exactly tiny!) But there is much work left to do (obviously in my head, for starters); and I really want to blast through my self imposed plateau once and for all and get on with it.

I just read a comment on another person's blog that mentioned impulse control. Would you believe that today at work, we had an in-service presentation on Impulse Control Disorder. As I listened to the criteria for ICD, I felt totally busted. When I want to know my weight, all commitment and knowledge of how poorly that will serve me go out the window and up on the scale I hop. I say no to myself at first, and then I just do it anyway. One thing that was said in this presentation is that for the "softer" addictions, (like weighing), an insightful individual can withstand the impulse and stay on task, with determination and support. I consider myself fairly self aware, and I have tons of support at home, at the gym and here in blogdom.

So I'm going to set myself up to succeed with this. I have a neighbor who I know will be glad to "babysit" my scale for awhile. That self awareness I just mentioned tells me that in the beginning of detoxing from scale addiction, it's going to be easier if there isn't a scale in my house, beckoning me to step up to the dark side. I'm also going to tell the gals at the gym, so that if they see me slinking toward the scale, they can set off sirens and drop a net on me to save me from myself.

I really thank Bearfriend and all the other bloggers who comment and post honestly. I think I can do this, but it'll be tough.