Saturday, October 2, 2010

Back from the ledge

Thank you, thank you, thank you all of you wonderful bloggy friends for your restrained kind comments, support and love to my poor-pitiful-despicable-moi post yesterday.  Thanks for not listening when I said I didn't want to hear support and kindness and compassion.  Thanks for not asking me to leave blogdom because I'm a poster child for "Don't Let This Happen To You".  Thanks for giving me some gentle cheerleading even though I told you not to.  Because even though I was feeling lower than an earthworm's tummy, I desperately wanted and needed to know I was/am still accepted and welcomed here.  As always, this amazing blog community gave me what I needed and much more.  I'm starting to feel about blogging the same way I feel about AA:  "How do people live without this?"  Thankfully I don't have to wonder for myself, because I have it.  A place at the table with the rest of you.  (Let's think "conference table" rather than "kitchen table", given my current status!)  Words are truly inadequate to express my gratitude, and I feel all the more desiring to offer the same back to all of you.  That's how it works, huh?

I'm feeling better today.  Had a clean day yesterday with eating.  Stayed just under my 1700 cal. max for the day, thereby resisting the urge to restrict or starve so as to blast off the offending extra pounds muy pronto.  Drank lots of water and got an hour of exercise.  Told myself to stop being crabby with other people just because I gained 7 1/2 pounds in a week.

Also, this morning I did something different from my usual Saturday routine.  Yes - I went to my meeting at 7 am.  Yes- I went afterward and sat with friends at a lovely little cafe to chat and laugh our asses off.  But instead of eating at the cafe where the fare is delicious but limited (and always involves carb laden bread), I ate at home prior - having my oatmeal and then some plain Greek 0% yogurt with some pumpkin and a couple of splendas stirred in.  So my cafe intake was limited to coffee and the water in my own water bottle.  Saved $ and calories.  And the potential craving that could arise from eating bread - even organic 100% whole wheat bread.

It's a gorgeous fall day - crisp and bracing, so I will definitely get a long walk in at some point and not have to wring the sweat out of my clothes after.  My motivation right now is bring to mind the clear picture of the scale verdict from yesterday.  Unacceptable and frightening.  But better motivation will be wanting to continue to feel the way a few clean days invariably cause me to feel - good, clear headed, lighter of mood and full of hope and optimism.  Motivation to avoid the bad is much less compelling and effective than desiring and striving for the good.  I've proven that to myself a zillion times.  But for now, the vision of the horrific weigh in is doing just fine.  As I said, I'm afraid of myself and my potential for self destructive eating.  And I don't want to feel the emotional destitution and fear that comes from the out of control eating. 

Thanks again - I'm going to be checking in every day here for awhile, so if I don't, I'm probably hiding something or struggling.  Staying out in the open is essential for me - as they say - we're as sick as our secrets.  I'm totally sick and tired of being sick and tired.  So see you manana.

12 comments:

  1. Yay for the move with the cafe of coffee and water ! You still get the opportunity to be with a friend, and you get the bonus of pumpkin at home ! ( I love pumpkin). Great day for a walk it seems !

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good job with the eating at home instead of the cafe! So, based on your last paragraph, if we don't see you, we should leave lots of comments saying, "Hey! Where are you!?" right?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am the same way when I have a few good days under my belt. Optimistic and motivated, feeling like I can do it. I have not strung together enough good days lately. Let's do this Leslie:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Can I get an L? Can I get an E? Okay, I'll stop now. Glad you are feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mmmm, I guess it can be done and YOU'RE doing it. Never give up the fight.

    ~Sheilah

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ha - love the cheer Roxie started! Hang in there Leslie! :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Being secretive is what got me in this fat suit to begin with, so I totally understand your mindset. I'm here for ya! Breath in that fall air and move forward!

    Polar's Mom
    www.polarspage.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Leslie!

    I'm back, and I've been struggling too! Don't give up! If you don't, I won't!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm glad you are feeling better now. And I agree with the others, that was a great choice at the cafe.

    Loretta
    =^..^=

    ReplyDelete
  10. You wrote -
    "Also, this morning I did something different from my usual Saturday routine. Yes - I went to my meeting at 7 am. Yes- I went afterward and sat with friends at a lovely little cafe to chat and laugh our asses off. But instead of eating at the cafe where the fare is delicious but limited (and always involves carb laden bread), I ate at home prior ... So my cafe intake was limited to coffee and the water in my own water bottle."


    I am asking -
    Is this the first time you have done this?

    I think it is probably a real turning point for you.

    I understand (totally) about attending meetings. I understand (totally) about the importance of this socialization.

    But I also (agree/think) the food aspect is not helpful to you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I loved where you wrote, "We are as sick as our secrets."

    Great job eating before hand and saving money as well as calories and cravings!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Aww... Sorry you're going through it right now... I think our blogs should be for ourselves first and foremost, so they need to be truthful, regardless of how difficult or painful that truth might be... People who read and follow your blog are interested in YOU and not someone who is 'perfect'! ;o) Let's face it, how many blogs do you follow whose owners don't face peaks and troughs in their weight loss journeys?

    Take care

    P x

    ReplyDelete