Back in the confessional or coulda, woulda, shoulda

I feel kind of ridiculous this morning as I start out to write this post because yesterday in comments to my meanderings about getting a certain blog award, a few people noted it as "an acceptance speech" - in very kind terms mind you, but nonetheless, I feel a bit embarrassed.  While a blog award presumably created by another blogger is a nice gesture, it certainly isn't a Pulitzer or a Nobel.  My long-winded thoughts were more an apologetic (noun) where I got to muse about what I want my writing here to convey on a fairly regular basis.  I wasn't feeling expansive or inflated into a prideful balloon about a simple blog award, but it got me thinking about what the hell I'm doing here.  'Nuff said.

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My first and only blog read this morning as yet was Karen's, and as usual it was excellent.  If you haven't read it, I highly recommend you do so.  She talks about breaking down healthy things to do or unhealthy things to not do - in twenty minute segments (and nicely describes what led her mind to that idea).  For example, some days the thought of exercising for a planned hour can seem overwhelming, or just something you don't want to do that day.  But telling yourself you'll do 20 minutes can seem more doable, and very often will turn into more time if you just do the 20.  She says it much better.

What it put me in mind of was yesterday.  At the end of my post, I said I had a 4 mile walk planned after work.  All day that was the intention from my earliest waking moment.  Guess what?  After work, I felt blah and didn't want to do 4 miles.  Guess how far I went???  ZERO.  NADA.  I also ended up in an eating frenzy for a couple of hours later on that was definitely NOT on my planner.  I wasn't feeling binge-ish.  I wasn't fighting the obsessive mind at all.  But at some point I just decided to have some saltines and butter.  And off to the races went I.

All you 45+ age bloggers remember back in the day when we diagrammed sentences in grammar class? (Yeah, they actually taught grammar and usage back in the dark ages.)  I'm going to diagram the unfolding of yesterday afternoon:  1) Hubby wasn't going to be home until after 10 p.m. so I was on my own.  2) Last weekend we had company that turned out great but about which I had fretted.  3) Week leading up to company had been tons of physical work preparing the room for the guests while aforementioned fretting underway.  4) Immense relief along with joy at how fantastic weekend was after guests left. 5) Pretty clean eating and exercising over weekend and Monday.  6)  Weighed self Monday morning (normally done weekly on Fridays) and was surprised and disgruntled by an unexpected gain. 7)Tuesday afternoon first real relaxing and letting down after company with no need to prepare healthy meal for hubby.  8) Didn't exercise because didn't want to spend full hour on 4+ mile walk. 9) Food frenzy.  And to add to the scenario, waking up Wednesday morning with remorse, regret and self disgust at bingeing.

~*~ After writing this post and reflecting more, I added another stop above in the diagram path, the weighing on a non-weigh day~*~

What does that all have to do with the 20 minute topic?  Beginning with # 6, listen to self when self says, "this is not your day to weigh."  On # 8, rather than omitting all exercise, just tell myself  I'll do 20 minutes and then reassess about doing more.  (I will inevitably do more, because once I'm going, I feel better, clearer, and want to make it a great energy expenditure so as to get maximum re-energizing of my day.  (And I absolutely know I'm MUCH less likely to overeat when I've exercised.) Then #9 - when the thought of the saltines presented, decide to wait for 20 minutes and see if I still want to do what I know damn well will send me down the garden path to eating oblivion.  Put it off for a short period of time.  Not one day at a time - one minute at a time.  One minute at a time for 20 times.  Or 5.  Or whatever it takes for the thought to pass.  Rather than succumbing instantly. 

I can say yesterday afternoon resulted from a perfect storm of a binge set up, but at many points along the diagrammed path I knew that my crazy inner binge-er was going to demand some attention eventually.  (And getting real...*LIFE* is a binge set up for a food addict.)  I do know myself and many strategies to postpone a binge long enough for the desire to abate.  But in the final analysis, I wanted to binge more than I didn't.  I can say "it just came upon me", but that is utter bullsh*t.  The refrain "this'll be the last one ever" repeating as I continued my trips to the kitchen.  It can be, but only if I seek the help I need and know is available to stop it a day, 20 minutes or a moment at a time.