Thursday, September 16, 2010

Excavation in the ruins

After my rough eating day on Tuesday, I had an excellent one yesterday with no bingeing.  Also got in a 40 minute walk.  For those who read yesterday's post, I walked out 20 minutes, then had to walk back...a little mind game I played on myself about the whole "just do 20 minutes" strategy.  When I set out with the dog, I DID. NOT. WANT. to walk, and imagined various and sundry aches and pains cropping up in many body parts, but I kept telling myself, "well you're going for 20 minutes".  Finally about 19 minutes in it started feeling good, and since I had to travel the distance back home, it worked, it was a good thing.  But even if it hadn't felt good I would have had to do it because I did not bring my phone to call Hubby for a pick up.  Pretty crafty way to trick my self, huh?  I likely won't fall for it too often, but usually I want to walk, so this shouldn't be a problem!

It felt good to wake up without the regret and remorse of a binge.  But rather than feeling euphoric and invincible from my one day of sane behavior, I woke up wanting to eat.  WANTING.  But not actually hungry.  When I stopped for coffee on the way to my aa meeting, I considered getting something "off plan" but did not.  While driving from meeting to work - same.  Had my healthy breakfast.  And still I'm feeling hollow and off kilter.  Not empty in the physical sense.  But definitely with a low grade level of anxiety or depression or something.  And this non-specific and as yet unidentified blahness/angst whatever is a classic "reason" I so often choose to eat.  And once I eat, the blahness subsides and I lose all possibility of discovering what is at the core of my feelings, because they've been sufficiently but only temporarily stuffed. 

Today I hope and intend to just be with the uncomfortable feelings and see where they lead.  This is the key - but whether or not I can stay with it is uncertain.  I want to.  I know my binges and repeated overeating but non-binge behaviors are all about numbing, escaping and not feeling - but I honestly have no idea what I don't want to feel.  I pray for the willingness to stick with it today.  I'm glad this is here because waking up wanting to eat before having any awareness of my blahness and vague anxiety tells me how efficiently my disordered eating behavior has become.  Even before I feel pain or fear or almost anything... I want to escape.  The pain is still unconscious and so is the hair trigger reaction to binge. 

The only way through is through.  I have to do this or I won't find healing and recovery from food addiction.

Loretta had a beautiful post yesterday reflecting back on her early days of blogging and being in this process of seeking healing and peace with food.  She was reflecting on some of the things she'd written a year ago, and one particularly powerful paragragh was this: 

"I want to learn to FEEL the emotions instead of numbing them with food.  And to DEAL with them...and know it will be just fine...I will survive them regardless if they are uncomfortable or intense. And lastly, I will HEAL...not just try to survive or endure the same "stuff" that comes up over and over...but to resolve it, to put it to rest, to HEAL it."

How beautfiul.  This is why blogging is so good for me.  Sure - I can get my own stuff out when I'm honest and real enough to do so, but I think reading her post yesterday set the groundwork for me to wake up today with a new awareness of my process and my automatic response of overeating in answer to the vaguest if not unconscious stirrings of discomfort.  I get so much inspiration and wisdom from all of you who dare to be real and honest.  And I think I'm getting the courage to be the same way - more than I have before.

Here's to a good almost Friday.


  1. Nice post, Leslie. I prefer reading them to writing LOL! My husband was a manager with Mobil (now Exxon) so we transferred several times as he moved up the corporate ladder. Sadly he died of a massive heart attack- not heavy at all and exercised but bad genes- and I (and 10 year old DD) decided to move to Florida where my oldest daughter had stayed after college graduation. We've been here 13 years now.

  2. Hi Leslie. You are being real and honest. I've only just started reading your blog, but your openness and honesty is what really stands out for me.
    You also sound like someone who has real insight into her thinking and behaviours. And in my very humble opinion, I think that both your insight and honesty will get you where you want to go. Wishing you a peaceful day...

  3. Leslie, Love your heart. We're gonn do this thing! We are.

    I have a Scripture that sometimes crosses my mind when I fall and have a hard time getting up--found originally during a period of deep, and life-threatening, depression.

    It's from Micah 7--"Rejoice not against me, oh my enemies, for when I fall--I shall arise. And tho I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." It always offers me hope that all is not lost, I will get up again.

    You are not sounding that stuck--not saying you are, at all--but this verse crossed my mind as I started to comment. I have come to know better than to ignore that kind of thing.

    Stick that verse in your pocket, you may want to use it someitme. If not for yourself, someone else.


  4. Leslie,

    I find your blog so insightful and love reading it. But I particularly identified with the statement, "I know my binges and repeated overeating but non-binge behaviors are all about numbing, escaping and not feeling - but I honestly have no idea what I don't want to feel." Sometimes I feel that way too. Lots of times it is about stress, emotions, avoidance and heaven knows, I've done enough and uncovered enough lately through my own introspection, but honestly, sometimes I think it's just the plain old fact that we love food and temptation is stronger than our desire for healthy eating. Sometimes, nothing will work except just plain old willpower.

    Hope you are feeling strong this morning.


  5. I so was going to say what Sharon said! That is the same line of you post that struck me. I still don't know if I am eating just out of habit, or if there is something else behind it. And if there is something behind it, what the heck is it?! My guess is that for me, it is a combination of both.

  6. Wanting and needing are so very different aren't they? Glad you were able to spot the difference and make better choices for yourself.

    The strongest folks I know have gone through. Not around. Through.