Cunning, baffling, powerful

Before I start my blathering today, I have to say I loved how many commenters knew their Myers Briggs type yesterday!  I didn't put mine in because I didn't know if many people generally had awareness of their result, but since so many of you said what you are, I will say I'm an ENFP.  I kind of forget some of what they all refer to, other than the fact that I'm and emotionally driven extrovert.

Okay.  I just read the first 7 posts on my blog roll, and they are all great.  Funny, inspiring, honest.  Great way to start the work day when I have time.  By the time I finish this, there will be others up that I'll get to then.  Continual good stuff!

I have so many things swimming around the vast cavity that is my head I don't know where to begin.  A lot of my "material" has been inspired by others' posts I've read over the last few days; a lot has generated from the aforementioned vast cavity above my neck and of course much of it comes from stuff I hear in AA.

First - someone said this at my morning meeting today...I've heard it before and think it's great.  It also feels relevant for me to include here today: 
 "Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.  Don't say it mean."
This is important for me to remember always.  It's only in the last 10-12 years I've become comfortable saying what I really mean in given situations.  It's always been a challenge because I was born with more than my share of the DNA that is labelled "People Pleaser".  In so many arenas in my life over 57 years, I'd be present at conversations or even problem solving sessions where I fundamentally disagreed with aspects of the material being presented, but it was virtually impossible for me to speak up because I didn't want people to not like me.  Also I was afraid that my input would not be valued or welcomed; so I sat in silence nodding my head while feeling like shit about myself both for not speaking my truth and for how oppressive the people-pleasing characteristic felt.

Getting sober in AA, working on myself, therapy and simply growing older have all contributed to my ability today to respectfully offer my thoughts and opinions in most settings.  I can now usually speak up at work, home, with friends and family, and even in blog comments; striving to be kind but also not compromising my message...hence "don't say it mean".  This is growth and change for me.

As I took baby steps toward being able to offer up my opinions and thoughts and became more comfortable in my own skin, I felt empowered.  But then I went through a period of time where my as yet undeveloped appropriate interaction filter would allow me to come across blunt or hurtful.  Thank heavens I was learning about making amends for my behaviors in my 12 step program.  Too often I had to go to someone and apologize for being out of line.  But continued work and self awareness enabled continued fine-tuning of my interactive skills, and I gradually had fewer amends to make because I stopped acting in ways that needed amending!  Think long slow process, here.  I tell you, it's taken a few villages to raise this blogger into a good human being. 
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The other thing I'll talk about (have more but this is already getting loooong) is how cunning, baffling and powerful food addiction is.  Anyone who has ever attended an AA meeting or other 12 step programs has heard those adjectives as they apply to our "drug" of choice.  In AA, obviously, it's alcohol that chunning, baffling and powerful.  They say that now matter how long you're sober, your disease of addiction is off in the next room doing push ups so to be ready to take you out in vulnerable moments.

I find the same to be true of food and food addiction.  Yesterday I had what can only be called a near-perfect day.  I wrote every thing down I ate with calories (that came to just below 1400); did a 2 mile brisk dog walk in 97 degree dry heat, had delicious, healthy and on-plan meals and one snack.  And at no time did I want to binge or even overeat.  Virtually no temptation.  In the afternoon I thought for one minute (while on the phone, of all things) about having some butter on bread.  Nice thick ice cold butter.  (Bread is but a vehicle to get butter into my body.) But I shook the idea out of my head, literally, and never felt the desire again. 

Now most days, once that thought comes, it bore-asses into my consciousness in such a manner that the only way to shut it up is to eat something.  (I KNOW that is an excuse, so please don't tell me that.)  It's the old feeding of the compulsion, which strengthens it for then next time.  But for some reason the obsessive thought didn't take hold and didn't torture me.  I'm grateful.  And I'm baffled.  Why some days, not others?  And by the way, which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Anyway, my food addiction definitely feels cunning, baffling and powerful and I'm not able to handle it alone.  I need help from many sources, and my blog friends provide me with as much as I need, if only I can receive it.