Don't try this at home

My job is turning into a very busy one, after 6+ years of allowing me ample time for - shall we say - personal pursuits, like blogging and catalog ordering and general messing around.  It's okay with me that I'm getting busier because it makes the time pass quickly by, but my morning blogging is taking a hit.  And once I get home in the afternoon, all the profound words I've compile in my mind for brilliant posting have drained down into my toes.

And speaking of toes, thanks so much for all the sympathy and get well wishes I shamelessly guilted you all into sending my way with the very dramatic recounting of my toe injury.(How's that for a segue/lead in)  Turns out the toe is doing well, and has not hindered my walking in any way.  In fact, now I think it isn't broken afterall.  I guess those tiny bones are hard to truly fracture, but I sure as hell wrenched said digit in a direction it was not intended to go.  The swelling is down, the bruising is forming, but other than that it's turning into a non-event.  But please don't withdraw your bloggy concern and support, for I am still among the needy when it comes to getting my freaking act together regarding weight loss and related matters.

I've been eating crap I shouldn't the last 2 days, and I'm not sure why.  And when I saw crap, I'm talking 2 donuts after I leave work, both days.  That WILL NOT HAPPEN today.  Of the many horrific "food" items I utterly adore, certain donuts rank very high.  But I NEVER eat them.  Truly, I never have even a bite because one bite is too many and a 1000 are not enough.  Just like cocktails for this girl.  It's been AGES since such fat fried nutritionally empty highly glazed and uber sweet items have passed through my lips and on down the gullet.  But Monday afternoon I went in a convenience store called Wawa for - get this - a diet coke, and forgot to avert my eyes when I passed the donut case.  My favorite variety was right at eye level, staring at me, mocking me, just daring me to indulge.  Just one, since I haven't had one for a long time, thought I.  So why did I remove 2?  Second brilliant thought...well, if I'm gonna do this, I'll do it right.  Yeah, it's definitely right to have 2 donuts instead of one.  Here's the rub...I knew one wouldn't be enough and that I'd turn into a caged lion waiting for a side of beef to get tossed into it's cage after one.  So getting 2 was absolutely "Intent to binge".  And btw - forgot the damned diet coke. 

They were good, beyond good.  Predictably, they set me up to "need something salty".  Went home.  Then had some other things that I'm too embarrassed to mention.  I should be too embarrassed to talk about the donuts, but I'm trying to be honest.  It's hard for this recovering person who is very good at whitewashing dirty truths.  Then yesterday, I did the same thing - with 2 donuts and then some crackers at home.  No dinner, because I felt bloated and disgusted.  Well deserved sickness.  I have a good idea of the emotional boobytrap that may have been eating at me, but no issue can make me binge without my permission and collusion.  Maybe I'll talk about it tomorrow, maybe not.  It's not the cause; it's the behavior that counts.

I know I won't do this today.  No way.  What I realize today for maybe the first time is that when I eat that way for more than a day, not only do I feel sick and disgusted with myself, but I feel depressed and less hopeful.  Less optimistic about everything.  That is worse than the physical sickness - the overall despair of living in addictive behavior.  I could say a lot more about all this but for once I'm going to suffice to say that it is hard work to live like that.  It drains me of joy and peace.  Makes me feel spiritually empty.  I don't want that - I want the opposite of that. 

So the last 2 days of this period of the Hot 100 were major missteps.  But all is not gone.  I'm back on track, with a walk planned this afternoon, and no unplanned eating.  And hopefully that will again open a crack so the light can begin shining back in.