Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Don't try this at home

My job is turning into a very busy one, after 6+ years of allowing me ample time for - shall we say - personal pursuits, like blogging and catalog ordering and general messing around.  It's okay with me that I'm getting busier because it makes the time pass quickly by, but my morning blogging is taking a hit.  And once I get home in the afternoon, all the profound words I've compile in my mind for brilliant posting have drained down into my toes.

And speaking of toes, thanks so much for all the sympathy and get well wishes I shamelessly guilted you all into sending my way with the very dramatic recounting of my toe injury.(How's that for a segue/lead in)  Turns out the toe is doing well, and has not hindered my walking in any way.  In fact, now I think it isn't broken afterall.  I guess those tiny bones are hard to truly fracture, but I sure as hell wrenched said digit in a direction it was not intended to go.  The swelling is down, the bruising is forming, but other than that it's turning into a non-event.  But please don't withdraw your bloggy concern and support, for I am still among the needy when it comes to getting my freaking act together regarding weight loss and related matters.

I've been eating crap I shouldn't the last 2 days, and I'm not sure why.  And when I saw crap, I'm talking 2 donuts after I leave work, both days.  That WILL NOT HAPPEN today.  Of the many horrific "food" items I utterly adore, certain donuts rank very high.  But I NEVER eat them.  Truly, I never have even a bite because one bite is too many and a 1000 are not enough.  Just like cocktails for this girl.  It's been AGES since such fat fried nutritionally empty highly glazed and uber sweet items have passed through my lips and on down the gullet.  But Monday afternoon I went in a convenience store called Wawa for - get this - a diet coke, and forgot to avert my eyes when I passed the donut case.  My favorite variety was right at eye level, staring at me, mocking me, just daring me to indulge.  Just one, since I haven't had one for a long time, thought I.  So why did I remove 2?  Second brilliant thought...well, if I'm gonna do this, I'll do it right.  Yeah, it's definitely right to have 2 donuts instead of one.  Here's the rub...I knew one wouldn't be enough and that I'd turn into a caged lion waiting for a side of beef to get tossed into it's cage after one.  So getting 2 was absolutely "Intent to binge".  And btw - forgot the damned diet coke. 

They were good, beyond good.  Predictably, they set me up to "need something salty".  Went home.  Then had some other things that I'm too embarrassed to mention.  I should be too embarrassed to talk about the donuts, but I'm trying to be honest.  It's hard for this recovering person who is very good at whitewashing dirty truths.  Then yesterday, I did the same thing - with 2 donuts and then some crackers at home.  No dinner, because I felt bloated and disgusted.  Well deserved sickness.  I have a good idea of the emotional boobytrap that may have been eating at me, but no issue can make me binge without my permission and collusion.  Maybe I'll talk about it tomorrow, maybe not.  It's not the cause; it's the behavior that counts.

I know I won't do this today.  No way.  What I realize today for maybe the first time is that when I eat that way for more than a day, not only do I feel sick and disgusted with myself, but I feel depressed and less hopeful.  Less optimistic about everything.  That is worse than the physical sickness - the overall despair of living in addictive behavior.  I could say a lot more about all this but for once I'm going to suffice to say that it is hard work to live like that.  It drains me of joy and peace.  Makes me feel spiritually empty.  I don't want that - I want the opposite of that. 

So the last 2 days of this period of the Hot 100 were major missteps.  But all is not gone.  I'm back on track, with a walk planned this afternoon, and no unplanned eating.  And hopefully that will again open a crack so the light can begin shining back in.

15 comments:

  1. Ok...i had to lol when you said you forgot the "damn Diet Coke" ...lol. Thanks so much for the call this morning girl. Made my day. :) Glad you're back on track today. That's important. :)

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  2. So sorry the past couple of days have been difficult. I know exactly what you mean about the doughnuts. Normally that isn't trigger food for me, but there is a certain brand known throughout the south and when I see that "hot ones NOW" light, it takes every ounce of willpower I have to drive on by. Same in the grocery store and those aren't even fresh, much less hot!! Glad you've got it turned around!

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  3. It happens to all of us but stick with your conviction to put that in the past. Think about about all the great, healthy food waiting for you that will help you feel energized and rejuvenated.

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  4. Wow--great post! Your second to the last paragraph spoke so frankly to all of us who struggle with addictive food behaviors. I overindulged on my recent trip, and my emotional state went down the tubes. When I did finally weigh in with my health club nutritionist and at WW (today) and realized that I had only gained 1.4 pounds, I started to climb out of my frustration and despair. For a normal person, overdoing on a trip would not be a big deal. For someone who is trying to climb out of the abyss of compulsive overeating and overweight, it feels like being given additional years of a prison sentence. I know I sound dramatic, but the time that some of us have spent fighting this condition, has done its damage. Today, after my weigh-in and walk outside in the beautiful fall weather, I became rejuvenated again, and I know you will too. Progress not perfection...

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  5. You'll do it. You fell off, but the fact you got up and started again, you are doing the hardest part. At least it is for me. It's way too easy to say, well, screwed up, why bother trying. (And maybe the not feeling good might be a minor butt kick to start up again...) :)

    Keep workin' on it...
    Cat

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  6. OMG - been there, done that, not donuts and not wawa, but the same binging and realization. Sigh. Everything seems to have momentum for me. If I eat something bad, I eat more, and momentum builds towards a binge then another. If I can stay on track for a few days, I build that momentum. So neither you or I met our goals for this first week. I am bound and determined to meet them the next week! Join me?

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  7. Leslie-don't ever forget you are a beautiful woman, carefully and wonderfully made! You were not made as a 'side-note' or as an after thought. None of us were.

    I just want you to know you could have eaten a dozen doughnuts followed by a can of pringles, topped off w/a gallon of ice cream, and I would still think you're great & I would still be a blogfriend!!

    Lucy

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  8. You nailed the crux of our issues with this one:

    worse than the physical sickness - the overall despair

    The reality is that it was a couple of doughnuts. Say 500 calories. Probably not going to show a loss for the day but oh well, right? But it's the (e/a)ffects that this kind of "food" has on mood that makes them crippling. It's not the calories so much as it is the lingering feeling of malaise that makes it harder to recover.

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  9. Those hostess little donuts are on sale at our grocery store this week for 99cent for a bag. This morning I took out 4 each for each of the girls (the apparent serving size) and promptly without even thinking about it at the rest like it was a bag of chips....maybe its just a donut day!

    :) Jodie

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  10. Hey Leslie-

    See my 'Graphic' post from last night-might just keep you on the donut free bandwagon...

    Polar's Mom
    www.polarspage.blogspot.com

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  11. I actually changed the route I drove home because of the donut store (I'm sure it's the same as Sharon's "Hot Ones Now" with the initials KK). Anyway, I no longer go on that part of the highway in the same way I don't go down the chip or the cookie aisle at the grocery store. I think you know what I'm talking about--I picked up of the "avert my eyes" trick! :-)

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  12. Good for you not letting a couple of days of missteps derail your plan!

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  13. Well, the most important question is....did you forget your Diet Coke the second day? :) Good for you for getting back on track! And I'm glad your little piggy toes are a-ok.

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  14. So sorry to hear of your difficulties over the last few days, but just wanted to offer my voice of support. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day. A new day. Full of new possiblilities and new opportunities. Sorry if you've heard all those type of things before - I do know how hard things can get. I've been there, too. But it is possible for you to beat this. And I think you will. Underneath it all, you sound like a very strong person.

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  15. I'm like that with peanut butter and ice cream...I just can't have them around so why do every few months I buy them. I can have frozen cookies in the freezer and never touch them, but give me a carton of ice cream, and it calls my name. Totally red light foods.....we just have to move forward!

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