Thank you so much!!

*I have a bad "d" on my keyboard at work suddenly, so if you read stuff that sounds odd, think "missing d".  I proofed it carefully but still probably missed a couple of d-errors!*

Hi all - I'm so appreciative for all your suggestions and support...much excellent food for thought.  It occurs to me to remark on some of the comments in order to process them more fully and also to report on what I'm already trying to do.

First, though, I pledge honesty.  Not cash register honesty - but the kind where I stop BS-ing about where I am with my struggles by casually withholding the real story.  Dear Deb said in her comment that she was concerned about my not blogging while claiming to be holding my own and reading others' blogs if not writing in my own.  She was right - if I'm not blogging regularly, it's because I have nothing good to report.  My claims of "not feeling it" regarding posting on my own blog are classic BS of the Leslie variety.  It's been a lifelong issue of trying to hide the truth under something benign and even pleasant.  Don't buy it.

That said, the only person who can change that is me.  I've worked a solid 12 step program for 20 years, and yet I still struggle with my truth when it ain't pretty.  I want to look and sound better than I really feel.  That is a pretty worthless endeavor as it affords me nothing and feels like crap when I really want to be "known" and "heard" - which I always want.  I'm definitely a work-in-progress - and sometimes the progress is slooooow - thing glacial.

I could totally identify with E.Jane saying that sometimes it seems it would be easier if we didn't have to eat at all!  Absolutely - it feels like I have to climb into the arena against my biggest foe at least 3x/day!  Eat to live?  Not me - every close encounter with food is a potential landmine, depending on my spiritual condition.  When I'm in a good place - I'm fine.  When I'm not - look out.  BUT...I don't always recognize when I'm not until I've consumed a sleeve of Chips Ahoy in a couple hours (and they're not even that good:( )!  One of the things I'm working on and really striving to do is slow down and notice even the slightest vapors of food thoughts/binge thoughts when they happen, so I can at least put a pause between the impulse of the thought and the action of the binge.

Shelley's comment was dead on for this addict - reminding me of how I was able to recognize how alcohol affected my body differently many years ago and have abstained from it since.  100%, btw.  Why not the same with food?  Absolutely - I know full on that I can't eat sugar safely.  CANNOT.  Yet I keep trying my best to pretend I can - that I can somehow change my basic body chemistry by wishing it to be so. 

It occurs to me in writing about this that I hear people talk at AA mtgs often about how they still wish they coul drink, an miss it - even after many years sober.  Not me - I've finally gotten to a place where I don't miss it at all.  I love being a non-drinking woman and know that I could never drink normally, so I don't bother to fantasize about it.  But food is my primary addiction - wooing me from my earliest days (think 3-4 years old).  I may not ever stop rueing my body's reaction to sugar an refined carbs, and wishing it was different.  But I do know from listening to folks with long term sobriety who still romance the booze that just because I miss it doesn't mean I have to try it again.  Easier said than done, but doable.

I also appreciated Karen's suggestions about getting hormones and other biochemistries checked out.  I have an appt. with my Gyn. in February, who is very progressive and up to date about hormonal concerns, so I will definitely bring it up with her.  She's been gently "suggesting" I drop some pounds for a couple years.  Great advice.

Miss April mentioned setting a strict plan for 10 days to sort of reset my body's balance, and I am doing that by following the pretty rigid SB phase 1/Atkins Induction.  These extremely low carb plans, while unsustainable over the long haul, are the best way I've found to detox and get myself back on plan.  Also she talked of writing out things I CAN eat, rather than the ever popular list of forbidden fruits (no pun intened, r. Atkins), and that's a great idea to keep focused on abundance rather than deprivation.

I'm keeping trigger foods out of the house.  Currently my husband and two 20-something boys are at home who know they can buy for themselves whatever junk they want, but I won't be buying it.  Fortunately they like much spicier things than I, so their choices generally don't tempt me.

I had a successful day 1 yesterday and feel great about that.  I'm reading OA literature for help and suggestions, and just read an interesting piece by the founder of OA talking about how their tool of abstinence came into being.  Maybe I'll talk about it here another day.

Oh - and also, it thrills me to pieces that you all comment.  When I see that bloggers I consider legendary have read my posts, I'm tickled pink, and so grateful. 

Thanks again for the bloggy love, support and suggestions.  I cannot do this alone, and I can't do it if I'm not honest about what's going on.