Monday, August 23, 2010

The No Buy List

My no buy list is not to be confused with the No-Fly list for people who have been banned from flying by the NTSB or the FAA or the PTA or the QRST or whoever the hell determines who can and cannot get on a plane these days.  My no buy list is growing, up from the 87,000 items I mentioned last week  At least 3 new items have made the cut over the weekend.  Sigh. 

What is apparent:  simple carbs in the form of crackers, cookies, cakes and even some "healthy" bars are simply dangerous toxins for me...triggering a response very similar to the response an alcoholic has after one drink, or beer, or glass of wine.  It sets up a craving that is virtually impossible to ignore.  I think the phenomenon is both physical and mental, much like booze for an alky.  And in my case, it's all connected.  Alcohol is sugar.  Clearly my body has an atypical and serious response to sugar of any kind, and it isn't going away.  What am going to do about it? 

The thought of giving up sugar for the rest of my life has me visualizing myself writhing in pain and pouting about the unfairness of it all.  But like with alcohol, when one gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, motivation for real change sets in.  I'm so done with feeling like crap about my doughy body.  Dreading getting dressed in the morning for fear the available clean clothes will be snug.  Seeing that my shadow while walking with friends is bigger than theirs.  How ridiculous is that?  I'd rather walk alone so that doesn't become apparent to my walking partner du jour.  Like they don't look and me and recognize I'm heavier than they are, which equals bigger in most cases.  This weight/eating thing is always in my head, informing me on an hourly basis about my self worth, when really my weight doesn't determine my human qualities at all.  But it does determine what I do and don't do when I'm feeling bad about my size.

My weight is up down one day, up the next.  Repeat ad nauseum.  I lose and gain the same pounds eternally, it seems.  Once I leave out the simple carbs and all sugar (and probably white flour), I just lose gradually, once the initial few days of physical withdrawal pass.  Then the smouldering feelings get fanned and start to insert themselves into my conscious mind and heart.  This is just like what happened when I got sober...after leaving booze out for awhile, things started surfacing that I hadn't experienced before, like cramps, vague unidentifiable anxieties.  When I continued to NOT drink, the vagueness was supplanted by fear, emotional pain, sadness.  This is why relapse is so common...reality starts to feel sharp and painful when it's edges aren't blurred and soften by a little drinky poo or 2.  Or 10. 

Obviously it's the same with food.  I've said all that I'm saying here before.  I get it - the process of the addicitve peace.  I also get recovery - when it comes to alcohol.  But this food thing really has me in its grip, and the only way out is to omit from my eating repertoire all foods I know will set me off.  And referring to me seeing myself writhing in pain and unfairness over giving up sugar, I KNOW I only have to do it a day at a time, just like I gave up alcohol.  In the tough 12 step program for food I did 3 years ago resulting in fast and substantial weight loss while eating plenty of low carb food, they used to say "I came for the vanity but stayed for the sanity".  I do want to lose weight for vanity - to look better, be able to love buying clothes again, get compliments and sense people's admiration.  The sanity part has evaded me because like with booze, it's easy to not feel "insane".  But doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results on an almost daily basis is pretty insane.  At least in this area.

I'm going for a binge free week, # 1.  Also, 92 oz. of water daily, at least.  Walking 4 out of the next 5 days (or trip to the gym if weather bad), and no eating in the car or in front of the tv.  (I'm home alone, so that can be tempting and allow for ingestion of much more food than when I'm paying attention.)  And these goals are for today through Thursday, as Friday is the final weigh in for Tammy's challenge. 

I had a neat article I was going to write about today, but the above is what poured out.  More of what you've heard before, but I know I'm going to get this one day, and I hope it's sooner than later!


  1. One is too many and a thousand is never enough! UGH! That's me and carbs.

    Here's to both of us being binge free this week. We can do it!

  2. I would just offer this observation - are you trying to do too much all at once? You've listed about four or five(water, exercise, tv and car eating) things that you are going to do next week. Plus the giving up of sugar and white flour - looks like a really tall order. Not that I don't have complete faith in your ability to do it all. Just asking :-)

  3. While it seems we do not have the same pathway, we are sharing similar results ! I am hoping that for me the answer lies in eating a heck of a lot of fish meals at long last. I think age also has something to do with this. As we get older our metabolic rate is slower, the endocrine system works differently as well as our digestive system and more. I am 52 and it is a whole different game than what it was 9in my 30's

  4. I think what poured out today was pretty inspired! And you could probably guess that I would readily identify with the "no buy list." I had a chat with hubby today while biking about how much easier it is for me (and I assume him) to say "no" in the store and not even bring the tempting treat into the house where it will beckon constantly and be hard to resist. We also talked about how once we get something out of our system, like sugar (or bread, for me) or whatever, our bodies seem to get over it. But it is HARD!

    I have been that same weight yo-yo this summer and am trying not to kick myself. But I am disappointed in myself. That is the honest truth.

    I will join you in your binge free goal! I need to string seven good days together again!! But, maybe we should both just think about it one day at a time. And if need be, one hour at a time.

    Let's do this!!!!

  5. You can't eat what's not there. So your idea of not buying it in the first place is an excellent strategy!

    Here's to a good week!

  6. I am *so* like you. So, so, so!! Honestly. I know those feelings. And I too write in pain thinking of a life without chocolate, or cake, or crusty bread with my soup, ever.

    I have to tell you this... for me, I have found an answer in strict moderation fo those kinds of things (yes I am OFF them at the moment, but... on my little breaks and even now, I do have SOME sugar in my foods, SOME carbs)... I have never been able to be moderate with this stuff before but there is some kind of key I am figuring out.

    It has to do with choosing to have a small portion of whatever sweet/carby thing, but NOT every meal, and NEVER on am empty stomach. You really have to eat some protein and fat first or with it to moderate the blood sugar spikes that make us feel addicted. So for example in the future I may have a small piece of cake sometimes, but ONLY after a low carb, protein rich meal. Or I can have that slice of crusty bread, but ONLY one slice WITH a high protein soup or dinner. Make sense?

    I think getting off sugar and low carbing it helps clear our minds to make other changes and figure out what's going on.

    You're awesome, and every time I read your blog I see myself. You ARE going to get there :)

  7. Yep...the sugar/alcohol addiction connection. It's a very real thing for me, too. Good luck this week - I'm pulling for you!

  8. Leslie, there is so much information out there to help you along. There are studies upon studies on the bad effects of sugar. You're headed in the right direction.

    I'm rootin for you to find exactly where Leslie needs to be!! Only you know :) Be confindent in what you know/learn (I think I'm subconciously telling myself this along the way!LOL).

  9. I think Roxie may have a point. Instead of giving yourself a mountain to climb, why not start with a smaller step? :)

  10. Yep. It's the "or 10" that's the problem...and for me, there's ALWAYS an "or 10" if I eat gluten. And it does feel unfair. It does...

    The best I can give you, though, is the fact that the cravings really DO fade to insignificant. It becomes the mind game so many talk about. The unfairness of it all...

    And, of course, the habit of self-medicating.

    But, you know, how unfair is it of us to feed ourselves stuff that ruins our health and spoils our good times. Really. How much "good time" have we avoided for the few good moments we've had stuffing carbs.

    The feelings thing, tho. That's tough. I'm fighting thru that now. 've wondered if maybe I'm just now "going thru menopause" with the mood swings and the tears... sigh, chuckle, groan.

    (I had a hyster when I was 26 due to childbirth damage. Left the ovaries, tho, but with no periods,I really don't know when menopause happened.

    Uh-hmmm. I'm almost 59 years old. Odds are, it's long since over. I think the tragic and/or anxiety ridden moods are from the lack of gluten/sugar/fat being used to smother them.

    Like you said, one day at a time. You remind me regularly that it's worth it...

    Onward and forward, friend.


  11. lol my no buy list is long as well! *sigh* oh well, at least we know what we can and can not be trusted with right? lol


  12. Your Shadow segment resonated with me. Today I was out walking and saw my rather square shadow. I hope for the day when even my shadow reflection looks better. Stay strong. Michele

  13. This may not be the post you intended to write but it was well inspired and one that many of us can relate to!

    I too have my list on no buy items. I have to eat with in my means.

    I no longer think about how un-fair it is, what is fare is that I can live quite nicely with out those things in my life. My list of foods that I can have is much longer than the list of foods I chose not to eat.

    I am not an alcoholic but I am sure I have the gene to be one, I am a sugar addict, it is like cocaine for me. I have learned how to navigate life with out it in big doses. I eat it the way Lyn describes and it works for me.

    Something brilliant is brewing for you today!

  14. all I know is what worked for me and Im the QUEEN of the inability to multitask.
    perhaps one new habit at a time?

    perhaps you, unlike me, are capable of tackling more stuff at once?

    (methinks its the latter :))


  15.'ve got too much on your list of things you're going to "do" or "change" this week. Pick one...maybe two...This weight loss crap is hard enough w/o overwhelming ourselves daily with all the "right" things. It would be am improvement if we would just stop doing one "wrong" thing, lol. Like yesterday...I fought tooth and nail ALL DAY LONG not to cave in to the effing Red Lobster CrabFest commercials I've been seeing for 2 effing weeks now, and go get some crab alfredo, which I happen to LOVE at that restaurant. ALL EFFING DAY. But I withheld...I didn't do it, and by God, if that was the ONLY thing I did yesterday, it was good enough. I was 253.8 yesterday morning before the battle....and because I won, I'm 251.8 this morning. :) Love ya' girl...:) And I'm fixing to do a post on how the hell to beat a craving...because after writing all of this, it would be really sad if I ended up eating it today, lmao.

  16. You sound so much like me. Those same few pounds have been bouncing around on my scale for a couple of years. I also did a 12-step food program that was very tough. I think it did some damage, because things have been more difficult for me since. I'm not saying that it doesn't work for others--just not me. I wish it did, because for those few who catch on, dealing with food seems to be easier, because of the black and white rules. I've been trying to develop a philosopy for myself that is workable--in terms of weight loss and maintenance. Thanks for sharing.