The No Buy List

My no buy list is not to be confused with the No-Fly list for people who have been banned from flying by the NTSB or the FAA or the PTA or the QRST or whoever the hell determines who can and cannot get on a plane these days.  My no buy list is growing, up from the 87,000 items I mentioned last week  At least 3 new items have made the cut over the weekend.  Sigh. 

What is apparent:  simple carbs in the form of crackers, cookies, cakes and even some "healthy" bars are simply dangerous toxins for me...triggering a response very similar to the response an alcoholic has after one drink, or beer, or glass of wine.  It sets up a craving that is virtually impossible to ignore.  I think the phenomenon is both physical and mental, much like booze for an alky.  And in my case, it's all connected.  Alcohol is sugar.  Clearly my body has an atypical and serious response to sugar of any kind, and it isn't going away.  What am going to do about it? 

The thought of giving up sugar for the rest of my life has me visualizing myself writhing in pain and pouting about the unfairness of it all.  But like with alcohol, when one gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, motivation for real change sets in.  I'm so done with feeling like crap about my doughy body.  Dreading getting dressed in the morning for fear the available clean clothes will be snug.  Seeing that my shadow while walking with friends is bigger than theirs.  How ridiculous is that?  I'd rather walk alone so that doesn't become apparent to my walking partner du jour.  Like they don't look and me and recognize I'm heavier than they are, which equals bigger in most cases.  This weight/eating thing is always in my head, informing me on an hourly basis about my self worth, when really my weight doesn't determine my human qualities at all.  But it does determine what I do and don't do when I'm feeling bad about my size.

My weight is up down one day, up the next.  Repeat ad nauseum.  I lose and gain the same pounds eternally, it seems.  Once I leave out the simple carbs and all sugar (and probably white flour), I just lose gradually, once the initial few days of physical withdrawal pass.  Then the smouldering feelings get fanned and start to insert themselves into my conscious mind and heart.  This is just like what happened when I got sober...after leaving booze out for awhile, things started surfacing that I hadn't experienced before, like cramps, vague unidentifiable anxieties.  When I continued to NOT drink, the vagueness was supplanted by fear, emotional pain, sadness.  This is why relapse is so common...reality starts to feel sharp and painful when it's edges aren't blurred and soften by a little drinky poo or 2.  Or 10. 

Obviously it's the same with food.  I've said all that I'm saying here before.  I get it - the process of the addicitve peace.  I also get recovery - when it comes to alcohol.  But this food thing really has me in its grip, and the only way out is to omit from my eating repertoire all foods I know will set me off.  And referring to me seeing myself writhing in pain and unfairness over giving up sugar, I KNOW I only have to do it a day at a time, just like I gave up alcohol.  In the tough 12 step program for food I did 3 years ago resulting in fast and substantial weight loss while eating plenty of low carb food, they used to say "I came for the vanity but stayed for the sanity".  I do want to lose weight for vanity - to look better, be able to love buying clothes again, get compliments and sense people's admiration.  The sanity part has evaded me because like with booze, it's easy to not feel "insane".  But doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results on an almost daily basis is pretty insane.  At least in this area.

I'm going for a binge free week, # 1.  Also, 92 oz. of water daily, at least.  Walking 4 out of the next 5 days (or trip to the gym if weather bad), and no eating in the car or in front of the tv.  (I'm home alone, so that can be tempting and allow for ingestion of much more food than when I'm paying attention.)  And these goals are for today through Thursday, as Friday is the final weigh in for Tammy's challenge. 

I had a neat article I was going to write about today, but the above is what poured out.  More of what you've heard before, but I know I'm going to get this one day, and I hope it's sooner than later!