Guardedly optimistic and on TRACK

I did my first Sunday morning weigh in since incorporating Allan's challenge/method of eating/water drinking to my daily plan.  I did weigh in Friday morning which was among the top 3 miserable "morning afters" I've known in the food realm.  (In the alcohol realm?  Let's not go there, smile smile.  It's been 19 years since THOSE days.  At least I was skinny then.)

I was so ashamed of weight Friday I couldn't write it down.  I knew there was much water volume 'mongst those lbs, but also calories of varied shapes and sizes.  All last week save the one day I resisted, food was beaconing to and seducing me.  My husband only WISHES I'd succumb to him with as much abandon and frequency as I do carbohydrates, proteins and fats:) 

(I just read that line to Hubby and he smiled and agreed ;-D .  BTW, he has never ever uttered a word about my weight, even when I used to beg for ultimatums or disapproval, certain they would jar me into rigorous weight loss.  His answer was, "Leslie, you have to lose weight for yourself if you want to.  I love you no matter what."  Wow.  And yes I know how fortunate I am.)

A piece of info about moi is that while I love junk food, I also love healthy food.  I can overdose on any manner of healthy food, as has been echoed by many bloggers.  My binges often start by a little overdoing of something healthy - like fruit.  Then a piece of nutritious healthy cheese.  Then a few high fiber healthy crackers (read CRACK) with some more healthy cheese.  Off to China I go.

I digress, as usual.  Friday morning I weighed 212.  This morning I weighed 208.3.  At least that makes me feel better temporarily.  I've been drinking tons of water (which I always do until a binge sets in) but also keeping track of how much.  But I've been doing something for 2 WHOLE DAYS that I haven't done in years.  And I'm loving it! Guess?????????????

Tracking!  I'm writing down every single thing that I eat, along with as accurate a calorie count as possible, because I'm sticking to a set # of cals each day.  I bought myself a notebook with a pretty cover, and I have a special pen, and that notebook is with me at all times...my constant companion.  I know, we just met 2 days ago and still in the honeymoon phase, but so far we're firing on all cylinders together and I'm finding freedom with this I never thought possible.  Whaaa??????? Did God reach down do a frontal lobotomy on me whilst I slept?  If so, thank You, for doing for me what I can't do for myself.

Ain't she purty?  I'm calling her Notey.  How clever is that?  Pathetic, but you'll now know who I'm speaking of when I refer to her.

Here's what I think...having set a relatively high weight goal for myself has given me up to 1870 calories to eat a day.  Usually when I try to be "good" I am shooting for 1400-1500 tops.  Yeah, I'm sure I could go down faster, but I'd be endlessly conscious of needing wanting more.  1870 gives me a nice volume of food.  I don't have to eat that much but for now, I am because I need to begin somewhere.  So when I write down my food and calories, I run a daily total as well, noting how many I have left for the day.  (This is starting to sound like Richard Simmons' Deal a Meal, haha.)

I feel more enthusiastic and hopeful than I have in a long time about the possibility of me breaking through my binge/restrict cycle.  The old black and white thinking of an addict that sets me up for failure every time.  Yesterday I actually felt "done" around 1500 calories, but decided it was better for me to have a yogurt and cereal to come to 1800.  Because it's there in my notebook, in black and white; so I can tell my manipulative sick mind to "shut up but thanks for sharing" and stay with the plan.  When the plan is only in my head it WILL get lost.

This is the breakfast I consumed this morning, and I'm calling it "the TJ", because I copied it from dear TJ when she posted a picture of the identical yesterday.  It's content, both literal and caloric, were written in Notey before I took the first bite.  It's 1/2 banana, a serving of oatmeal and 2 tbsp of PB2 for a total of 280 calories.  A little lite on protein, but I'm going to do a frittata ala Biz in a while to beef up the protein grams.  And I will write down every single bit of it!  Yay me!  And you don't hear me say that often.

Finally I have to show you a photo of nice surprise that Hubby and I got on Friday (aka my most recent

day of reckoning):  It's a front page story in the Swarthmorean, a local newspaper I like to call the "Fishwrapper" (except for this week!), of our daughter Jean.  The paper has done a series of stories about Peace Corps volunteers, and up to now they've been people who served years ago.  Tom had emailed Jean that journal was asking for PCV stories and suggested she contact them.  That was a long time ago, and we were both certain Jean probably wouldn't have been all that interested in pursuing it.  Apparently she did! A friend called to tell me about it, so I went and bought 10 copies to send to the fam.

Please have a happy and safe Sunday.  I'm looking forward to taking little Notey with me every where I go and showing her the ropes of my life.  Apparently she has a lot to teach me!