Monday, November 8, 2010


I have another post started reporting from the weekend, but this feels more necessary.  I'm just home from work and getting ready to take a walk.

I had a good lunch about 1:20 and it's now 3:12.  I am not hungry at all.  But I want to eat.  Every cell in my body is calling me to eat something.  Let me repeat - I am not hungry  in any way.  There is emotional content at the core of this desire.  I'm not sure what it is at the moment.  I do not want to derail myself by having "one appropriate reasonable snack" when I'm not hungry, because I know it's not a snack I want or need.  If I have one reasonable item, I will have another, because whatever item I choose will not satisfy my yearning.  Yet what the hell am I yearning for, or sad about, or worried about?  If I eat in response, I will not be able to know what is lying at the base of this current obsessive thinking.

Writing about this occurred to me as I drove home with thoughts of reduced fat string cheese, yogurt and high fiber crackers started to loom in my mind.  No lie - they are compelling me to eat - not the food items, but the thoughts.  The obsession.  I cannot state more clearly that I'm not hungry.  I have a desire to binge - not to have one reasonable snack.  Maybe by writing about it, confessing it and asking for help, I can choose not to binge instead.  And the tears start to come.

Sorry for what feels like a shameless dramatic ploy for attention.  It really isn't.  I just know today, at least at this moment, that the object of my yearning is not food.  Beyond that - clueless.  I'm trying the aa tactic of picking up the phone before you pick up the drink.  Thanks for listening -


  1. Continue to write about what you are feeling - not the food, but the feeling.

    These are questions I ask myself during "those times" - is it food I want or am I just looking for something to "feel good" - am I just looking for a "hit" of something? Is there anything else that would satisfy other than food (or other not good for me things)?

    If none of that brings any relief, I'd get out of the house and away from the source. Go buy a candle, a card for a friend, go do a good deed that won't get found out. Change your surroundings - those are all tactics I'm employing these days, as I am thinking far too much about food these days.

    Courageous post, Leslie

  2. Can you fill yourself up with something else. Like reading a book, writing a letter, making a list, going shopping, shooting hoops, etc. If it was me and I wasn't hungry I certainly wouldn't eat until the next full meal.


  3. Not shameless. Brave. And I know EXACTLY what you are saying and feeling. You've read my posts--you know that usually write this post AFTER I've binged. Writing--lamenting--about binging on healthy food. again.

    Lots don't understand. Say healthy food does not a binge make. hah!

    But many of us do get it. Sadly we do. I hope you were able to hang tough, Leslie. I absolutely commend you for writing this post.

    Way to go!!!! We're gonna do this thing!


  4. I know exactly how you are feeling. I've been trying really hard to be honest with myself when it comes time to make that choice. If you haven't read "Women Food and God" yet I totally recommend it. It did nothing for me other than make me think and try to survive during that time. We are here for you!!

  5. Oh I'm so proud of you for posting BEFORE the hopes of preventing it. I very much hope it worked for you....and I hope you're able to figure out what's bothering you that's making you want to use the food as salve. Very, very proud of you Leslie. There is no shame here...only big hugs and lots of love, my sweet friend. :)

  6. I think this is a great thing to put out here. And I hope that writing about it kept the food at bay. I can very much relate, as I can so often to what you write about. I want food, I think about food, and I know I am not hungry. I would be well served to follow your example today and write about it instead.

  7. what roxie said although it may just be what works for me.

    I will writewritewrite my way through many feelings to avoid destructive behavior...