Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Whew...that was close

I made it through the obsession yesterday without acting on it.  Thank you all who commented for your suggestions and support.  Also for acknowledging you've been in that same place I found myself...I almost didn't publish it because I thought I sounded too crazy and unglued.  But I was desperate and decided to try something new *rather than assuring myself that this time one piece of string cheese and a yogurt would stop there*,  like I usually do.  I know damn well it never stops with the "one thing" when I'm not eating to satisfy physical hunger.

It was pretty awesome.  Right after I posted my confession about the binge obsession, its intensity lessened.  I cried for a few minutes, which at the time felt like I was crying because I wasn't going to eat.  Feelings did not emerge for identification and processing, likely because they are more deeply buried than missing one day of stuffing could allow to surface.  Then went for that walk with the dog and ran into a music teacher from the high school who taught our youngest son saxophone, and we had a long catching up conversation that really moved my mind away from the thought onslaught.  After the walk, I went to Target - carefully steering clear of all food, candy and edible items aisles.  By the time I drove home from Target, I knew I could make it through until dinner, which we had at 6.  I had a yogurt and fruit about 7:15 and that was it for the night.  WOW.  This has not been the case for a long time.  I woke up without the remorse and regret.  With gratitude for whatever Universal Force (read: Grace of God) came to my assistance. For a brief stroke of sanity.

This feels so much better than "the morning after".  It totally echoes the nuts and bolts of 12 step program suggestions, like reaching out to someone before you pick up a drink.  In OA, it's reaching out before you pick up the first compulsive bite.  I don't think those programs have extended the ideas to the blogging realm, but it's only a matter of time...write a post before you pick up the food if you don't have a "food person" to call.  Actually I do have food people I could call, or text - but this worked yesterday.  And having one day like that under my belt increases the liklihood of acquiring another day today.

The experience yesterday rekindled my resolve to get serious about this weight loss journey but more than that, it jolted me with the knowledge that I am not a hopeless case or terminal fattie.  Every obsession to eat is not an inevitable binge any more than the thought of a drink is an inevitable drunken episode.  The important thing I was reminded of is that every obsessive thought does not have to be acted on.  Pausing the momentum by doing something else - the walk, the call, the writing...anything that gets me through without picking up my substance of choice.  Obsession puts my bad behavior into fast forward.  Pressing the pause button lets me not be an automaton to my thoughts.

In the face of food compulsion, my goals, dreams, intention and vision of my best healthy self become invisible.  The pause button gives them a chance to resurface, or at least gives my mind the willingness to recall them so I can look at both options (food orgy or peace of mind) and take the direction I truly want to go.


  1. Thank you for sharing this experience. Too often, I have acted on an impulse without even trying other tactics. I need to learn to pause so that I can give my goals, dreams, etc. a chance to survive.

  2. Good for you! I was a bit bummed reading this because I had a little overeating spell yesterday and should have followed in your example. I forget that if I blog or read blogs I can easily walk away from the cravings. Sigh.

  3. Who hasn't been there, done that? I find nothing more disheartening than when I eat when I know in my heart (and stomach) that hunger isn't a factor. Good job on managing those dark thoughts...

  4. "In the face of food compulsion, my goals, dreams, intention and vision of my best healthy self become invisible."

    This is going on my fridge.

  5. I like your analogy of hitting the "pause" button. And glad that the talk with the music teacher steered you away from your food thoughts.

    To answer your question, the original cauliflower tots were pan fried - it would work perfectly that way!


  6. So happy that you were able to fight through. It should make you feel great as to how strong you really are. Will it make it easier next time ... who knows (but my money's on you). You made it this time and that's something to build one. Have a great day, Leslie.


  7. Waking up with no regrets is one awesome feeling. It's like giving yourself the best chance to have another good day. This sort of ties in to one of my mantras:

    "when I find myself in a hole, I should put down the shovel".

    If left to my own devices, I fly through life, leaving all sorts of debris in the jet wash. I do much better when there are speed bumps or pause buttons - something that gives me an opportunity to think and not just wildly and blindly react.

    You are fully made of awesome, Leslie. You found a way to succeed. And I know you helped me feel not like the lone ranger when it comes to dealing with sabotaging behaviors.

  8. I love the "pause button" you are brilliant Leslie!

    So glad you had a good day and figured out a way to stop and find your balance.

    It is all about making progress and you are doing just that!

  9. Yay!!! You made it through....one day at a time...that's the only way to do it. :)

  10. I don't see your post... darn it!

    Have a good one just the same!


  11. Just read your last post and this one. Where were you the last week or so ? I needed to read these posts and your comments then.

  12. I think there's a lot of power in "admitting to God, to ourselves, and to another human being" the exact nature of our "wrongs." For me, the wrongs include my nasty little food secrets. When I reveal them, they lose their power.