Friday, November 12, 2010

Not again

Here's my Hot 100 update.  It was a shitty week for me except the one day I got through the binge thoughts by posting about them.  That was one excellent day out of 7.  I feel good about that, but it was several days ago.
Goals were:
1) Write down everything I eat. If I have time I can tally calories. I still haven't looked into the various on line calorie recording methods you all suggested.  I wrote down breakfast and lunch 2 days.  That was it.

2) Exercise 20 mins 6/7 days.  Exercised 4 of 7 for well over 20 minutes.
3) No eating after 8 p.m.  I think I was successful on this 3 out of 7, only because I fall asleep so early most nights from getting up by 4:30 daily. 

I'm frustrated and feeling very crappy about it all.  Very discouraged.  I'm not giving up, though my actions belie that claim.  I'm getting sick of blogging badness.  I've said it all before and am not boring anyone with it again.  Yesterday I basically binged all day.  Started at work as I hadn't had breakfast.  Hot pretzels for sale.  One pretzel in and the floodgates opened.  It was essentially a 10 hour smorgasboard, with about 72 ounces of water thrown in.  There's not much else to say.

Goal for next week: 
1) No bingeingThe Free Dictionary definition of binge - a period of unrestrained or uncontrolled indulgence in food or drink.  A harsher definition appeared further down the list that grabbed me by the throat:  To be immoderately SELF INDULGENT and UNRESTRAINED.  Ouch.  The truth hurts.
2) No eating after 8 pm.

That's it.  It's come to essentially one single goal, with the addendum for the possibility that I am able to have any binge free days, so that on those days I do not eat past 8pm.  Probably should make it 7pm, but we often eat dinner at 7, so no sense to invent a fail before it happens. 

Helen's post today talked about 50 days left in the year.   Halfway through the Hot 100.  I feel ashamed and scared of myself.  There are overeating days.  There are days with some bad choices.  But a binge day, which I haven't had in many months, feels like self violence AFTER THE FACT.  During the fact, it's numbness with an ominous sense of the next day.  Today.  See why I feel scared?


  1. I understand where you're coming from. I have been sick and have a fractured toe (it's getting better), so I have been eating whatever I feel like and not exercising. It seems as though this respiratory illness has sent me into a downward spiral, so I'm taking steps to catch myself before it becomes a "freefall" back to where I was before. In addition to the Hot 100, I have joined another challenge. I will do both. I am also starting to feel a bit better, so will push myself to exercise very soon. Hang in there, and my best to you...

  2. It strikes me your list is all about what NOT to do. I am wondering if you would be better with a list of what TO DO.

    NOT climbing mountains backwards while typing a novel on my laptop list of what TO DO.

    But simple things like planning food and then eating what is planned. And exercise and sleep and water and relaxation.

    Health (and weight loss) is the added plus of taking care of oneself.

    PS - And going to work without a healthy breakfast is not taking care of yourself. . .

  3. Yes, Leslie, I have joined Allan's challenge. I think it will push me to do things differently (i.e. more water, staying within calorie limits). Contact him soon, and come on board! I had 32 ounces of water today before 11 a.m.--that's better than I have done in a long time. Best of luck to both of us as newbies.

  4. Love/(hate) that def'n= to be immoderately self-indulgent or unrestrained. Yes, it's true. I can hold that mirror up to my face sometimes, too. Hang in there. 50 days left to do well.

  5. OMG - you and me. We are so alike right now it is freaky! I had ONE good day too! Bingerama here. Also sick of myself blogging badness. Hating the mornings after. Ugh. So... my added goal this week is actually to start writing down what I eat! I have not done that in ages and I think it might shake things up for me. I started yesterday. Just on paper which is easier but lacks the nutritional details that are kind of fun to see if I track online. I actually am toying with starting another blog just to put what I eat out there publicly thinking it might be a huge deterrent to going off plan.

    So, you and I need to get out of the place we are in and both be the same but in a good way:) We can do this Leslie!!!!!

  6. Worst case, you will lose weight !!!

  7. Come do the challenge with me! :)

  8. Awww, Leslie, you know that I know.

    I can offer no explanations or solutions. I don't know them.

    This may sound a little odd considering all of the drama and self-recrimination I go thru after a binge--but the one thing I am trying to do is to dismiss my food indulgence LESS.

    Somehow, despite my genuine regret, I do dismiss my eating. I do a "shrug" no big deal kind of thing...until I crash and burn, then I'm all tragic about it.

    So,and this may not remotely apply to you, I'm trying to take reasonable, healthy eating seriously. Seriously enough to pray about it when I feel that desire to eat.

    I don't know how well that will go. It's a new thing. sigh. shrug. One day at a time.

    We will keep at it until we get it.



  9. Leslie - I'm in your corner! I recently found a post regarding the addictive qualities of wheat (a.k.a: flour). So interesting! (It's in my post before the last). I want to reassure you that's it's not just you!! The majority of us who deal with food with wanting to binge, overeat, etc. I don't believe it's because we're A. incapable or B. don't possess enough will power. We are capable and we do posses enough will power or we wouldn't keep trying over and over again!

    I am confident you will find your place. You're too smart of a gal not to!

    P.S: Thumbs Waaay Up for your complete honesty!! You're amazing!

  10. I like the idea of framing things in the positive - what you will do, rather than focusing on what you won't/can't.

  11. You will love this

  12. Aw Leslie, sorry things have been so rough for you. I hope, one day at a time, that you will get through the week with no binging. Rooting for ya, my friend!

  13. Leslie, if you will remember, I have had to do this before too. Sometimes we just need to get back to the most basic things and score some victories. Victories breed victories. Just know you can do it! You read that right - YOU CAN DO IT!! I am cheering you on!

    ~South Beach Steve

  14. Thinking of you, Leslie. Thinking, also, about step one.

  15. I'm sorry it's been such a rough week for you, Leslie. It's Saturday now, and I hope you are feeling a bit better by now, and that today will be a good day for you.