Another cautionary tale

My intention for today's post was to write a lovely piece that included a quote from the book I'm reading that I mentioned yesterday. To wax prolific and poetic about the merits of solitude, silence, and "being" as opposed to being a "doing" machine. Well, this ain't gonna be that.

What is coming to mind as I finally sit down to write is the little nugget of wisdom, "This too shall pass". I've heard it around the blogosphere. I've heard it in the real world. I've heard it many times. The first place I remember hearing it where it sunk in was, where else, AA. It can be such a comfort, when one is feeling overwhelmed with either the reality going on around her or the emotional turmoil swirling within. How many times, when talking to another recovering person and vomiting out a carload of pain that was making me want to guzzle a fifth of Jack did I hear that simple line? And it helped.

But right now, the memory of the phrase is a little different. I probably had about 6 months of sobriety at the time, and discovered at the end of a day I was feeling good; hadn't felt like drinking. It was pretty radical. I called my sponsor and was all bubbly and cheerful and optimistic, and she at last said to me in all seriousness, "This too shall pass". WTF!!??!! I was pissed off. How dare she stick a pin in my happy balloon, throw ice water in my cheerful face? But even as I was irritated and annoyed, I knew she was right. Everything passes. The ultra-sh*tty, the glorious, the tragic, the victories and the defeats. Whatever it is that I'm all up in a lather about today will likely be long forgotten next week at this time. Good stuff stays good - but the emotional intensity of wonderful moments settles down. A realized achievement, long awaited, quickly becomes part of the hard-wiring, and another carrot emerges to be the next must-have/do/own/win.

By now you are likely thinking, "Uh-oh, she's off on another psychological-philosophical rambling...". I guess I am, but my mind just works this way. I sat down to post at least 5 times today, only to find myself stopped up in the brain-flow department. When that happens, I just have to wait it out a bit and try to let what's really going on emerge and manifest so I can meet it face to face.

This is a very long way to say that all the ease and peace that emanated from my being yesterday must have oozed all the way out and vaporized, because today I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. Restless and irritable. Sick and tired of having to be "modified" in so many of my activities. Trapped like a rat in a maze. Oh the drama!! (Don't worry, this is not making me want to return to work. At all. Just to everything else I want to do, and with a big full wallet as well. Capiche?)

I slept crappily last night because the knee was achy, and I'm conflicted about taking the Vicodan at this point. I talked it over with my sponsor tonight and she told me to stop being an idiot and use it as prescribed if I need it. Well then. Anyway, after my 7 a.m. meeting, I went to the produce place, the grocery store and Trader Joe's. I came home and hubby (who works out of the house in his own business) was in the den on the computer, talking on the phone about petrochemicals and freight trafficking when I wanted some peace and quiet. Blah blah blah. A friend picked me up and took me to lunch, which was nice. Translate all this: I totally overdid it.

After lunch, in order to not be home listening to Mr. Leslie's petrochemical phone calls, I went to the local library "to be alone". But I felt so sleepy once there I knew I had to go home and take a nap. By now, my knee was throbbing, the other knee was even tired, and I was a mess. And...I ate a big sweet roll from the local store that I dashed into to get a diet coke. That set off more wacko quacko eating. But I did finally take a nap, spooning with the dog up against me.

When I woke, I felt leftover and sluggish, and I know it was from eating junk. So I decided to but my losses in the eating realm and made a good dinner of roasted root veggies and Lyn's Cabbage roll casserole. If you go to the link, the recipe is listed in the left margin. It's a wonderful healthy meal that I make a lot now.

Clearly, it's time to stop comforting myself with food. I've been very loosey goosey with eating for the last 2 weeks - but for the last few days since the surgery, I've gradually EXPANDED into frank overeating. I feel dough-y and fuzzy. The increased intake of simple carbs, even if not in binge fashion, is leaving me feeling yucky. I'm sure it's affecting my mood, because sugar and simple carbs always do.

So, sorry no book reviews tonight, or flowery discussions of metaphysical marvels. Just an old story of how one day we can be on top of the heap, and the next day want to crawl under it. My lengthy explanation stems from having learned to take stock of what's going on in my emotional landscape continually so as not to get knocked off my square and be vulnerable to a drink. But I can still get knocked off - and instead of a drink, a cake can seduce me in a nano-second. Thank goodness that I also know that no matter what's up, this too shall pass.