Brainstorming and soft reflections

Thank you for all your support and bloggy love yesterday. I needed every bit of it. And in addition to the above, I also got some great wisdom and good laughs. I kept reading stuff to my husband, saying "See? These are smart kind people who can put words together and say great things"! He nodded feebly in puzzled agreement. That's a primary response from him after 28 years married to moi.

I feel beaucoup better today, which didn't take much given that I was lower than an earthworm's abdomen yesterday. I had a 100% clean day with food. If there is such a thing as perfect in the realm of eating, this was it. Not one morsel other than planned meals and snacks. I drank plenty of water and subsequently spent a lot of time getting rid of it. So much so that my weight was down 3 pounds this morning, to 206.4 (okay, 2.9 lbs down). I feel I'm still somewhat water-logged and am avoiding salt like the smallpox germ. The jettisoning off of a few boggy pounds definitely has lightened my outlook, but it also is cautionary for this food addict.

I've been reflecting a lot on how and why I've backslid in the last few months. Not the obvious reasons of the stress of aching knees, surgeries, lack of exercise...but deeper issues that seem to surface every time I get into the low 190s. I honestly can't identify anything specific, but clearly something gets stirred up. This is the most recent in a lengthy series of weight loss efforts that have ultimately been sabotaged by yours truly. On the surface it makes no sense. Even below the surface, it's hard to comprehend how I can be moving along with excellent momentum, positive attitude, and genuine behavior changes, only to gradually slide off the wagon.

And it's always gradual. I'm clicking down the scale, eating and doing the right things to achieve my goals, and then. I succumb to a dessert, or a candy bar, or baked goods at a shower... weigh the next morning to survey the damage. If there is none, it's a relief. But it also can become carte blanche to begin adding in more stuff, always with a close watch on the scale. Then my eating starts to be dictated by what the scale says...up a couple lbs = clean eating for a day or 2 to get them off. If the scale is the same, then more of the same behavior of nipping at foods that aren't on plan. The scale becomes the Great Determiner of my eating behavior. Until I have a real binge and am afraid to get on the scale for a day or 2, during which the eating either cleans up or plummets, and then what happens is what has happened since early December '09. I can clearly see the pattern. The various little steps, or slip ups (done in relative AWARENESS) that ultimately result in big weight gain and giving up the weight loss effort all together have played out many times. In order to get at the deeper issues, I have to be able to continue on rather than stuffing those issues (if they really are there) back down into the oblivion of fatness and cellulite.

I'm thinking about story boarding right now. The pinnacle knowledge source, Wikipedia, defines story boarding as:

"graphic organizers such as a series of illustrations or images displayed in sequence for the purpose of pre-visualizing a motion picture, animation, motion graphic or interactive media sequence." I've seen this technique used for more than graphic depictions. Coming up with ideas for anything, or assessing strategies...the applications are endless.

What is occurring to me regarding story boarding is the idea of listing a series of predictable events (given past history) "for the purpose of pre-visualizing" an already demonstrated pattern of behavior that has up to now effectively halted every single long term weight loss effort I've undertaken. To have a visible visual representation of old patterns that serves as a possible stop gap? Maybe.

I'm thinking on my feet here while listening to Counting Crows, but somehow this idea seems reasonable. A concrete tool, displayed prominently in my little world, to remind me of where I am on the continuum between sanity and insanity when it comes to food and eating behaviors. Stay tuned - I think I may give this a shot - keep it simple but do it. It sure can't hurt, and maybe I can get out my beloved colored pencils and markers and let my inner child have some fun in the process.

Bottom line (I think I say "bottom line" in every post) is that I am good to go for today with staying clean in the food realm. I feel physically better than I did during the days where I was a non-stop carb input machine. The weight is still bad, but better, so that is motivation. But get me down 5-8 more pounds and I can literally feel my palms sweat at the thought of the binge-monster re-awakening and tormenting me. Telling me I'm not so fat - what's wrong with size 14s and 16s? It's hellish trying to continually stave off intense binge thoughts when they start. I guess it's like a crack addict needing a fix. In AA, they say "one drink is too many and a thousand aren't enough". One wrong move for me in the sugar and carb realm feeds the obsession. Makes it stronger. Maybe it won't always be that way, but it's that way now. Putting that on paper as a visual way may help me head myself off at the pass, even if just for a day. I only have to live in this day. Tomorrow will take care of itself.