Modified Me and an award

Starting first with the award, the very kind Deb gave me this award 2 days ago, when I was at that very raw and unhappy place. Deb is a sweetheart, and said that she gave me this award because she identifies with a lot of what I say in posts and comments and helps her know she's not alone in this struggle. Thank you Deb for this award. I would say "back at 'ya" about posting your truth, no matter how painful or icky it feels. That helps me, and many others.

Now for a listing of the award rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the Sugar Doll award.

2. Write why you were given the award.

3. Pass the award on to 5 bloggers who have made your life a little sweeter and write how they have done that.

4. Notify them of the award.

So, I could easily name 50 or more bloggers who have made my life a little sweeter...in fact, a lot sweeter. The blogging community has changed my life in so many ways. I'm fortunate to have a ton of friends in my real life who love and support me as I do them. (Anyone in a 12 step community for much time at all could claim the same.) But this blogging community extends out in a way that I couldn't have imagined. Even though I have intimate close relationships with a lot of my "real" friends, almost none of them know about my blog. I say things here that I would not say to any of them...like my weight, for example. They know about my efforts to lose and the related struggles, but I don't go into the nitty gritty of it all the way I do here. Somehow the anonymity of blogging creates a very broad canvas on which I can spill it all about this most personal struggle. And though we start out anonymous here, we come to know each other very well, and it would thrill me to meet any one of you in person, and know there is already a baseline of reciprocal connection and support. I love you guys! But to list 5 - here goes:

Tammy Because she's warm and fuzzy and real and wonderful. Her blog is pure honesty, including struggles and triumphs. She has been kind and supportive to me through my tough times, including 2 days ago - quick to email a personal message of motivation and love. Tammy and I WILL meet in Atlanta in May after she gets back from her fab Destin vacation. Can't wait!

JBS JBS has also been so kind, and has a great sense of humor and irony. Me like that!!! She also has a very busy and challenging life with young kids, one of whom has some substantial health issues. Through it all, she works a good health and fitness program that inspires me every day. She blogs about all of it with humor and heart.

Stacia Stacia is an awesome friend (and I like to think transcontinental personal coach to moi) who has encouraged me about getting myself back into the water, which I've done. She writes very honestly about her life and things that are challenging for her. Very inspiring. She's also kicking ass in the weight loss realm these days.

Lisa Lisa is another who is doing great in the weight loss realm, and has a very rich history with food and related behaviors! She's a success story because no matter where she finds herself, she is in this for the long haul, never giving up. An absolutely hilarious, I might add.

Joanne Joanne is another very funny gal, as evidenced by her quote in her left sidebar, "It's not the jeans that make me look fat. It's the fat." The minute I saw that, I knew I was going to follow her journey! Another person to whom I relate, who has struggled with things I also struggle with.

Okay - enough nicey nicey stuff - it's time to talk about my favorite subject. Me. Kidding not really. Mainly I want to say that I had a second totally clean day, and my weight was down to 203.6. Additional relief. Obviously I was totally water-logged for the Wednesday weight, but bottom line (oops, I said it again) is that a pound is a pound, and I'm happy when they fall away, no matter what they're made of.

This morning I went to a meeting and then had breakfast with my AA sponsor who is celebrating her 22nd sober anniversary. She's the gal I've written about who has stage 4 lung cancer. She's currently on a drug that targets the cancer cells at the genetic level. It only works if the cells have a certain mutation. Apparently hers have it, because she started the drug after a major recurrence of the cancer in November that made her Stage 4, and so far the tumors have shrunk significantly. She's hanging in there, remarkably, though knows full well she's probably on borrowed time. Given she has kids aged 6 and 11, she's grateful for every day. Perspective is EVERYTHING.

During our conversation, I started telling her about the wedding this weekend and how it sort of tapped some old painful stuff in me, and I ended up crying my eyes out. The snotty, wet, heaving sob kind of crying. And do you know what she said to me? She said that when I got so emotional, she thought, "Oh, Leslie must be working her food program"! She's been through the food addiction stuff and knows how effectively binge eating can stuff emotion. For fairly controlled Leslie to be sobbing at the drop of a hat told her I wasn't "stuffed", at least for a little while. Interesting and true.

My tears were about old issues that I've excavated before, but when I began talking about the wedding, a scab broke off and the pain felt acute for a bit. I cried, she cried, we laughed at our crying, and then said goodbye 'til next time. I survived, and feel a rush of gratitude for tears that rise to cleanse our interiors of old debris. The old stuff is mostly healed, but it's like a little glittery thread running through the fabric of my life today. Very subtle, exerting almost no influence, but when the sun catches it in a certain way, it glows for a bit. Today's glow felt bittersweet and tender. Sometimes it feels terribly painful. Other times it's bright and sweet. But when I stuff in so much food that I have no access to my deepest self, the thread becomes obliterated in layers of...fabric? Fat? Self pity? Whatever - today it felt good and sad to just let the tears rise up and flow out.

I'm not going to weigh again until Monday now I hope for sure. My intention is to continue with clean eating. It feels good and right. Righteous! But just below the surface I know the binge monster is doing push ups, waiting for me to have a weak moment. That's when I have to modify from one day at a time to one minute at a time.