Marching to spring

Bring it on, month of March! I don't know when I've been happier to say good riddance to one month (the "F" month, aptly named I might add) and hello to a new one. Between 70+ inches of snow, endless unseasonably cold days and yet another knee injury with subsequent exercise stoppage and surgery, the dark days of February seemed to go on forever and permeate every cell in my body. And soul. But there is new light already present, only to increase in the coming days. Literally and figuratively.

I'm really pleased with the progress of my knee. It is feeling almost as good as new already! Don't worry - I'm not going to get all heady this time and start training for an Ironman or anything. But honestly, the knee is doing great. I'm shocked and delighted. Hopeful and optimistic. Did I mention pleased? As I'm typing this, I've actually felt myself exhaling deep sighs of relief. I don't know to what to attribute this so far easy post-op status I certainly didn't experience in December with Lefty.

One thing, I am being very careful and intentional with movement. I'm watching where I'm going so as not to ram my foot into a random chair leg, thereby sending painful shockwaves up into my knee. I'm not entertaining thoughts of returning to work before at least 2 post-op weeks, even though I can tell that this recovery is going to be smoother and faster. I am using my pain medicine as needed, despite its rather, shall we say, binding properties. These all seem like pretty reasonable measures to which any sane person would adhere. Key word - sane. Last round with Lefty I was trying to convince self and others of my invincibility and stellar work ethic by returning to work right away. I paid a big price doing that. It feels really good to be putting myself and my long term well being first. This shouldn't be such an accomplishment for a 56 year old woman, but it is. How much time have I spent trying to look good to others, while throwing myself under the bus in the process? I believe I've finally made solid progress in this arena.

So while I'm so thrilled to be doing so well in the recovery process, I did go on a bit of an emotional bender today. I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch, and that was to be my big activity of the day...the thing I was looking forward to. She called about 11:15 and cancelled because "it's Monday and crazy at work...". I totally get that. It wasn't personal. But my husband had just left for a business meeting, and suddenly I didn't have "a plan". Normally I don't need a plan, but I felt disappointed and a little anxious. "Now what?" I noticed a wave of binge thinking waft into the periphery of my consciousness. A quick shake of my head blinked away the thought, but not the emotional slump that was settling in. I ended up going to the library to return a couple of movies, then to the grocery store and back home for lunch, all with relative ease.

By this time, it was almost 2 p.m., and it occurred to me that not one person from my work had called me to see how my surgery went Friday, how I felt, if I had wakened from anesthesia...nothing. This blew some wind into the sails of my funkiness. Then in keeping with my endless tendency to be my own worst enemy, I started thinking about an AA acquaintance who always play emotional peak-a-boo with people. She also hadn't called me since my surgery. Now, let me note that on Friday night and Saturday, I had many calls and visits from friends; one gal made us dinner tonight; another brought me a big bag of stuff from Whole Foods on Sunday. But all I was thinking about in this moment were the people who didn't call. The disappointments. The negative stuff. That may or not have had anything to do with me.

Remember about 2 weeks ago I wrote about a story from the AA Big Book where the writer talked about the magnifying mind? The idea that what we focus on becomes our reality? This is exactly what I was doing. In the sea of much love and kindness and well wishes from many friends, I elected to dwell on a couple of negative things. My funky mood magnified and increased. And so did my eating thoughts. I ended up eating way more food than I have been, and stuff that is definitely NOT on my plan. It was the first bad day of eating I've had in a while, and I'm not happy about it.

So tonight I'm taking stock. No one from my job has called yet. I'm surprised, disappinted. But I know I'm appreciated and well liked at work. It isn't personal, and even if it is there isn't much I can do about it. I can rant and rave in my mind about how I always call someone when they've had something done - yadda yadda yadda, aren't i perfect - but it changes nothing. The other gal who hadn't called actually did call later, and I decided to let her leave a message. None of this stuff matters at all. It's all part of the headgame that upends my equilibrium and sends me to the food. It's not worth it. I fell prey this time but I don't want to keep doing it.

This new month, the rising temperatures and melting snow, the increasing light and 2 newly repaired and soon to be optimally functioning knees fill me with motivation, anticipation and excitement that I am going to get back into the excellent eating and exercising routine I was in last summer and early fall when I lost 25 pounds without killing myself in the process. I was focused and determined. Maybe it's silly, but the new beginning that March represents feels big right now. It's been a long crappy winter, and the promise of spring in a couple of weeks is almost electrifying. There will finally be nice warm walks, gardening, stepping outside without having to layer up the woolens. Very appealing. And I believe I'll appreciate it this year in a way I never before have. And I'll never again take pain free days for granted.