A new high - pounds, not paragraphs

Today's post title is a variation on the post I did just before going away, titled - "A new low, paragraphs, not pounds". My "new high" isn't my true all time weight high, but reflective of a substantial relapse of bad eating in my current weight loss and fitness effort I began in June of 2009 that is the last I'm ever going to undertake. And big warning: this will be a toxic brain dump as only I can do it...a poor fu**ing me brain dump.

I don't want to post today but am going to. I don't want to be honest, but I'm going to. I don't want to feel shame about my weight, body and lack of exercise, but I do. I don't want to cry about all this crap but I am. I've been off the deepend with eating for the last 5 days, with traveling, partying and being a total sluggish slouch. But my food has been spotty and sporadic for a long time prior. I haven't been able to exercise because of the healing knee(s). People suggest upper body stuff and I've never been honest enough to say that I have a screwed up R elbow from tennis that got aggravated this past summer when I was starting weights, and everytime I try to restart weights, even uber-modified - I end up with elbow pain. So between knees and elbows, I feel like a fat old lady and I hate it. I HATE IT, and right now I'm not too crazy about myself, either. I don't want to be viewed as a fat loser, but it's how I feel at this moment. Feelings aren't facts, but they can be pretty compelling and depressing.

I've been eFF-ing around with food and eating since early December after my first knee surgery. I gained weight over the holidays that has never come off. My most recently posted weight of 203.6 is the lowest I'd been in awhile, despite the fact that for about the 3 months just before the first knee injury, I'd gotten to 192 and maintained. Mind you, I had/have every intention of going lower - to a goal of about 160. But my behavior with food belies that. I have lost site of my fervent desire to get this weight off once and for all.

I say I still want to lose weight. I mean it with all my heart, soul, and numerous bulges and fat deposits. I truly do, but I am really caught up in the addiction right now. I have to be honest. I can't put more than 2 clean days together before starting to slip in little "innocent" bites and treats that have rapidly expanded into some bingeing behavior.

It kills me to say this, but here goes. My weight this morning was 209.3. Yes - I'm retaining water after the wanton eating of the weekend and the extra day in Atlanta where it seemed only fitting to eat at some of the places I always loved when I lived there. Flying always makes me retain a bit. Then lots of sugary items yesterday, along with pizza for dinner. Not one slice, either. I told myself I was getting back on track "tomorrow", which is today.

When I saw the number on the scale, I was stunned. Shocked. Disgusted. Don't know why, because given the way I've been managing my nutritional "needs" what else would I have expected? And here's a kicker...I was expecting...read hoping, for
205. Even that speaks volumes...hoping for 205? After I'd been as low as 192?? Even I could not have imagined what that MFer of a scale had to tell me today.

A host of excuses spring forth. Inability to exercise the way I'm used to is huge. But plenty of people lose weight and never exercise. And when my surgeon scoped my knee to remove and repair torn cartilage, he didn't insert a tapeworm that would compel me to eat volumes of food to keep it fed and thriving.

The bottom line is I'm eating addictively again which tells me I'm trying at some level to not be connected with my feelings. I don't know what feelings, or why I don't want to be aware of them, but that is at the core of all addiction. And I also know that as long as I'm acting on my addiction, I can't have access to what it is I'm suppressing with the eating. I can get a day or 2 clean, and then the vapors must begin to surface and those aforementioned innocent bites and tastes begin - and off to the races I go again. I know this pattern well from my alcoholism recovery. Food is harder. At least for me. The food I'm stuffing in doesn't taste good. It isn't satisfying me. It isn't providing a psychic balm that at least is providing some kind of comfort. It feels driven...almost frantic. I can't even say it's stress eating because I'm in the middle of a sustained absence from work while my knee heals.

So here I am again in the confessional, spilling my guts and admitting the truth. I'm really ashamed and disgusted with myself, but at a deeper level know that addiction is a disease I already know I have and have already found a lot of healing from. I'm not giving up; not gonna quit. I may have to do a 12 step program again for food for a bit. I keep threatening to do it...maybe it's time. I'll let you know. One thing for sure...I will have a clean day today. The shock of the scale's pronouncement is branded into my psyche, which is a good thing. But it won't take me beyond the initial couple of days. So I'm staying in this day only because I can't handle thoughts of "never again being able to eat _______".