Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A new high - pounds, not paragraphs

Today's post title is a variation on the post I did just before going away, titled - "A new low, paragraphs, not pounds". My "new high" isn't my true all time weight high, but reflective of a substantial relapse of bad eating in my current weight loss and fitness effort I began in June of 2009 that is the last I'm ever going to undertake. And big warning: this will be a toxic brain dump as only I can do it...a poor fu**ing me brain dump.

I don't want to post today but am going to. I don't want to be honest, but I'm going to. I don't want to feel shame about my weight, body and lack of exercise, but I do. I don't want to cry about all this crap but I am. I've been off the deepend with eating for the last 5 days, with traveling, partying and being a total sluggish slouch. But my food has been spotty and sporadic for a long time prior. I haven't been able to exercise because of the healing knee(s). People suggest upper body stuff and I've never been honest enough to say that I have a screwed up R elbow from tennis that got aggravated this past summer when I was starting weights, and everytime I try to restart weights, even uber-modified - I end up with elbow pain. So between knees and elbows, I feel like a fat old lady and I hate it. I HATE IT, and right now I'm not too crazy about myself, either. I don't want to be viewed as a fat loser, but it's how I feel at this moment. Feelings aren't facts, but they can be pretty compelling and depressing.

I've been eFF-ing around with food and eating since early December after my first knee surgery. I gained weight over the holidays that has never come off. My most recently posted weight of 203.6 is the lowest I'd been in awhile, despite the fact that for about the 3 months just before the first knee injury, I'd gotten to 192 and maintained. Mind you, I had/have every intention of going lower - to a goal of about 160. But my behavior with food belies that. I have lost site of my fervent desire to get this weight off once and for all.

I say I still want to lose weight. I mean it with all my heart, soul, and numerous bulges and fat deposits. I truly do, but I am really caught up in the addiction right now. I have to be honest. I can't put more than 2 clean days together before starting to slip in little "innocent" bites and treats that have rapidly expanded into some bingeing behavior.

It kills me to say this, but here goes. My weight this morning was 209.3. Yes - I'm retaining water after the wanton eating of the weekend and the extra day in Atlanta where it seemed only fitting to eat at some of the places I always loved when I lived there. Flying always makes me retain a bit. Then lots of sugary items yesterday, along with pizza for dinner. Not one slice, either. I told myself I was getting back on track "tomorrow", which is today.

When I saw the number on the scale, I was stunned. Shocked. Disgusted. Don't know why, because given the way I've been managing my nutritional "needs" what else would I have expected? And here's a kicker...I was hoping, for
205. Even that speaks volumes...hoping for 205? After I'd been as low as 192?? Even I could not have imagined what that MFer of a scale had to tell me today.

A host of excuses spring forth. Inability to exercise the way I'm used to is huge. But plenty of people lose weight and never exercise. And when my surgeon scoped my knee to remove and repair torn cartilage, he didn't insert a tapeworm that would compel me to eat volumes of food to keep it fed and thriving.

The bottom line is I'm eating addictively again which tells me I'm trying at some level to not be connected with my feelings. I don't know what feelings, or why I don't want to be aware of them, but that is at the core of all addiction. And I also know that as long as I'm acting on my addiction, I can't have access to what it is I'm suppressing with the eating. I can get a day or 2 clean, and then the vapors must begin to surface and those aforementioned innocent bites and tastes begin - and off to the races I go again. I know this pattern well from my alcoholism recovery. Food is harder. At least for me. The food I'm stuffing in doesn't taste good. It isn't satisfying me. It isn't providing a psychic balm that at least is providing some kind of comfort. It feels driven...almost frantic. I can't even say it's stress eating because I'm in the middle of a sustained absence from work while my knee heals.

So here I am again in the confessional, spilling my guts and admitting the truth. I'm really ashamed and disgusted with myself, but at a deeper level know that addiction is a disease I already know I have and have already found a lot of healing from. I'm not giving up; not gonna quit. I may have to do a 12 step program again for food for a bit. I keep threatening to do it...maybe it's time. I'll let you know. One thing for sure...I will have a clean day today. The shock of the scale's pronouncement is branded into my psyche, which is a good thing. But it won't take me beyond the initial couple of days. So I'm staying in this day only because I can't handle thoughts of "never again being able to eat _______".


  1. Leslie, I think you need to set an upper limit for yourself. If this is it, then so be it. But STOP and do whatever you need to do to get it fixed. You can do it, you've got it in you!

  2. youve got this
    you can do this
    just get back on the wagon

  3. step up to the challenge - as hard as that should feel better emotionally if you do.

  4. I have the same problem with binge eating! I don't do it as often as i used to but it does rear it's ugly head now and then!
    What is helping at this very moment is that i've made a challenge for myself. It could be a week/days/or a month. I'm keeping a written account of what i eat and the things i'd like to accomplish during this challenge. And no they're not hard and they're completely do-able. Do at least one small exercise a day. Pick up weights 2x a week. Drink my water etc...
    I know it's hard to stop the uncontrolable urges. But it can be done.

  5. I think you're awfully hard on yourself. I weigh about what you do and I don't have anything near the attitude about myself that you have about you. Why don't you accept yourself the way you are first? Why are you talking about yourself as if your have commited all the 10 sins in the Bible? There's such hatred in the language you use to talk about yourself. Your boddy is just a part of who you are and you can accept it as such and not damage it so with rejection. I'm surprised your readers support this attitude and that nobody says, "Stop it!" I wouldn't treat anyone else the way you treat yourself. You may want to stop and think about that.

  6. ~Greenstonewoman - I do appreciate your comment and just emailed you about it. In reading the post again, I don't think I sounded like I feel I committed all the sins or that I "hate" myself. I said I wasn't too crazy about myself today. I do hate my addictive eating behaviors, and even the fact that I have an addictive nature. But I accept this in myself, else I wouldn't be sober 18 years and now actively working on the food piece. This was a catharsis, and while I am ashamed of the eating, the weight gain and having to again confess what I've done many times before, it is in no way a rejection of myself. I do appreciate being called on my stuff and am grateful you care enough to comment.

  7. I agree that the food is harder. Doable, but harder. We can totally quit other substances, but with food, you gotta "pet the tiger 3 times a day".

    Just know most of us understand exactly where you are at (in the process of being totally honest, getting up, dusting off, and setting one foot in front of the other on this journey).

    So all I offer today are [[[[[HUGE HUGS FOR YOU]]]]]

    You know what to do, how to do it, and have the desire. We support you!


  8. Leslie - as you know we are both on this path together and struggling. I am so proud of you for putting it out - purging it so to speak. Now we have to put our minds to work to regain where we were.

    We can do it - I know it - although I am away next week so feel free to start without me.

  9. Leslie. You are amazing and I think you are doing fabulous. I am amazed. I have great hopes for you my friend, because I cannot envision myself coming through a crisis without gaining back every ounce of the fifty I have to lose. Stop shaking your head and skimming my compliments! LESLIE! Now go back and read every single one.

    Here is what I think: you need diversion from your waylaid status. Go out and drive like a dog. Roll down the window and stick your head out. Get a new hobby that fascinates you. Bugs or reading to the nursing home or balloon animals. Messy finger painting. Something FUN.

    That is all.

  10. Hey, Leslie. Perhaps it takes a food addict to know a food addict. All I know is that youir post felt like a breath of fresh air to me. If I could, I'd sign my name to the bottom of it with a "Me, too!" added at the end. Although I did have many exceptional food weeks this year--might I remind you I had 10 perfect days in February!--I have also had several bingey days, too. March has been horrible for me. I understand the frantic, drivenness and the prickly disgust it brings.

    Thanks for the vent--I lived vicariously thru it. :)

    But listen up: We are going to get this done! We are! We are determined. It is not going to beat us. It's not.

    Thanks, Leslie.

    I needed that.

    :D Deb

  11. I had several thoughts as I read

    even if you were 100% (physically), really can't exercise enough to work off bad food choices. The food has to come first. So the 'I can't exercise' thing - is probably an excuse on some level. It is the food that matters most.

    And you are trying to HEAL - so healthy food is really important.

    I don't read you and think you are disgusted with your body. I think that you KNOW BETTER and are mad at yourself that your actions do not match your intentions.

    You are stuck in a loop.

    Addiction transfers are always hard (I think) - because it is like the last great 'stand' of the battle. The addiction digs itself in deep - holding on for all it is worth - afraid of being wiped out.

    Last weekend is DONE. Last fall is DONE. You are here and you are now. You don't start over, you begin from where you are and move forward. And if you need help to move forward - you go find it.

  12. Hi, Leslie! There is an award for you on my blog. It's the "Sugar Doll" award. Isn't that name just too funny? Haha. We're sugar dolls alright! hahaha. Please stop by my post and read about it. I promise--there is NO tough love involved. Yeesh. Deb

  13. My sweet Leslie...I just love you to pieces. You know that I know your struggle 100%. I feel and have personally experienced everything you've written about your food addiction. So you know you're not alone, right? You know I get it, and I fully understand it, and I struggle right along with you damn near every day. I love your honesty above all else. I love that you said you're not going to quit. After all, quitting is the only way to really lose the battle, isn't it? There's no time frame on when we have to beat the addiction. If we get it right next week, GREAT!! If not, and we're still traveling this road together next year, so be it. At least we have the knowledge that we won't be going it alone. I just can NOT wait to meet you in person...and I'm so sorry I didn't think ahead to give you my phone # because I would have loved to meet up with you the extra day you were in ATL. I guess I just didn't predict that there would even be an extra day, lol. But by grannies, I'll catch you the next time you're in town! You can bet on it!!! You hang in there. Vomit out all the crap whenever you need to. I'll always be here to listen, read every word, empathize, sympathize, and fully UNDERSTAND. Big hugs girl. :)

  14. Don't be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself like you would a friend in the same position. You have had surgery, cut yourself some slack.

  15. Hey Leslie!

    I don't think that you're being too hard on yourself. To me it sounds like you treasure your body, which is why you hate that you're not treating it like you do. What works for me is to hold myself accountable. To be honest with myself. I think it's a step in the right direction that you're doing that!

    The comment you made about feeling like a fat, old woman really resonated with me. I'm 21 and I've felt that way, especially at my highest known weight of 236 pounds.

    I'm pulling for ya!


  16. I'm so sorry sweetie. I totally appreciate your brutal honesty; that is SOOOOOOOOOOO important! that said, please go to Amazon and order The Solution by Laurel Mellin, and read it when it arrives. Screw exercising of any nature for now; focus on healing your body and soul. You can't do, what you can't do, so no point in belaboring it. You'll exercise, as the doctor prescribes, when the time is right. Right now, you need to get a hold of your eating, and try to work on your soul. Baby steps (sorry about the 'steps' pun.)

    You can do this. I KNOW you can!

  17. What are you saying to yourself before you eat, that makes it okay to eat what your eating.
    You have an inner dialogue going that is letting you off the hook somewhere.
    could it be the knee.
    I can't exercise so I
    fill in the blank here.
    I can eat blank and will eat better next meal.
    I am such a loser, what does it matter.
    What good does it do to eat well when I can't exercise.
    Why can't I just enjoy blank.
    these are some of my famous phrases.
    You can do this of course.
    But you have to figure out where the dam is leaking.
    Feel better.

  18. Breaking this food addiction is the hardest thing. I sometimes wish we could just go cold turkey and stop eating all together because it is so hard to find the balance. It's so easy to slip back into our old habits and find ourselves struggling to get back to that place where we're focused on putting the right fuel in our bodies. Keep the focus on your goals and do what you know you need to do to reach them. It's hard to get back into the groove but I have no doubt you can (and will) do it. Keep the faith.

  19. Everyone is here and supportive of you. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now! Hang in there and keep moving forward. This too shall pass and you will find the strength to get the scale moving back in the right direction.