Brief whine - then Enough

Today's affliction over which I'm seeking dominion is poison ivy. Recall my epic yard work of last Sunday. The garden is looking beautiful; my arms, not so much. Actually it's mainly my left arm, but it's getting worse each day. I bought an 8 dollar bottle of Ivy-Dry the pharmacist sincerely assured me would dry it up in a snap. That was Tuesday. Yes, it's Friday, and the rash is not only NOT dried up, it's spreading despite my best efforts to not scratch. I took these pics Wednesday, and all areas are now more inflamed, larger, and ITCHING FROM THE INSIDE OF MY BONES. (Just like a self-absorbed blogger to take a pic of the back of her elbow, just for effect, huh?!) And with God as my witness, I will not resort to Prednisone to stop this, which I've often had to do in the past. A couple of new (and unphotographed) patches have cropped up above my wrist, but I think I've grossed you all out enough. This isn't the end of the world, but it woke me last night around 3 a.m., and I couldn't go back to sleep until after ingesting a sizeable swig of liquid Benadryl to stop the itching. This rendered me unconscious and thereby unable to do my morning 35-40 minute walk I've been doing all week. The way Benadryl knocks me out, I could probably have open-heart surgery while under it's hypnotic influence. Unfortunately, no buzz. But with a hangover. Insert frown.

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Yesterday was another good food day, along with a second brisk 3 mile walk after work. As predicted I did have some eating thoughts after finishing an awesome stir fry and brown rice dinner. Sometimes I think that when dinner tastes soooooo good, it makes me want something more. If dinner is just average, it seems easier to turn off the "wanter". It's yet another bane of my dysfunctional relationship with food. I love it, enjoy cooking it, using fresh ingredients, trying out new seasonings and recipes. But it seems the less emphasis and joy I associate with eating, the easier it is for me to stay the course. Does that make sense? I'm not accepting that this is how my life needs to be with food in order for me to lose weight - bland unremarkable meals taken only for nutrition - no joy allowed. But it is a real phenomenon I've noticed before. Making peace with food and all that it brings is another intention I have. Letting enough be enough.

Enough as a concept has long been touted in the annals of food addiction and related 12 step programs. In keeping with my lexicographic tendencies this week, I googled definitions of "enough", and found the precise vagueness I expected. Why vagueness? Because what is "enough" is entirely in the mind of the experiencer. It's subjective, which is defined as an opinion or notion distorted by personal bias or emotion.

Some examples:
A woman stays in an abusive relationship beyond the first evidence of its nature. Maybe for days, weeks, years, or until she's killed. Never had enough.

Another experiences one bizarre episode with a partner where she is in some way knocked around, emotionally or physically, and she's gone. Had enough.

A third tolerates abuse from a partner, but when he/she puts a hand on her child, she's gone. Finally enough.

My usually dessert-abstaining friend has a piece of cake after dinner for a special occasion. She eats 2/3 of it, notes how awesome it tastes, proclaims herself stuffed and pushes the plate away with the remaining third uneaten. Had plenty. More than enough.

I have the piece of cake, finish it, and start thinking what will be the next thing to eat, since I've already "stumbled" for the day with the cake. Full, maybe stuffed, but haven't had "enough".

It sounds crazy. It's real, and not just for me. There is no objective quality to "enough", because what is deemed enough IS distorted by emotion and personal bias.

So getting back to definitions - Merriam-Webster online says: "occurring in such quality, quantity or scope as to fully meet demands, needs or expectations". HA. That may be what enough is, but then what is enough? Catch the drift? Is it as much as necessary, an adequate amount, or sufficient for the purpose?

In AA, it's often discussed that a person has had enough (of the endless day to day drudgery and devastating consequences an addictive life brings) when they finally become "Sick and tired of being sick and tired". Now the definition of that quote has been the subject matter of countless memoirs and articles over the centures. One good friend of mine drank through her children's childhoods - totally, causing emotional wreckage and devastation in their lives that is still unraveling years later. She lost a good job because of her drinking. A teacher by trade, she just hadn't had enough until............get this, she was "fired" as a volunteer Sunday School teacher because of her drinking. Emotional family wreckage couldn't bring her to the bottom, but the ego jolt of being denied a teaching role at church somehow got through.

Enough is tricky stuff. With my eating, I get enough to meet my physical needs each day with little effort. But then there's the enough I need to get more good taste, alternate the sweet with the salty, get me through a difficult circumstance, stuff the fact that while my mom did the best she could with me, it wasn't enough. Little Leslie needed more, and she's been seeking it ever since.

So now I pray that for today, I can let enough be enough. As it pertains to my unique self. It's the principle on which rigid food plans are based. Cover the basic metabolic and health maintenance needs and be done. But that just isn't how I can find my own peace with food. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And of having a midriff that feels bulgy with certain bras. It feels good to eat cleanly but also enjoy the food to the max. A lot of paradox swirling around, and within it all is enough for me to lose the weight I intend to lose. Patience will help.