Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Head Game

I just realized I should have taken a picture...I'm at work and just returned to my office after passing meds, and what is sitting on my desk but a piece of yellow cake with a spattering of blackberries and strawberries, and a dollop of whipped something. The gal who made it is one of the supervisors in a classroom, and she does cooking projects. She's a fellow foodie, and always sends a treat my way when she has enough. Often, very often, I partake.

Today I simply placed the paper plate with the plate in my trash can and stirred up the trash so if my friend comes in my office she won't see her kind offering mugging up at us out of the trash. What's interesting is that I would eat this on many days, even though it would be marginal at best. Just an average hit of sugar and my inner addict would come spritely to life and off to the races I'd likely go for the day. Seeking something that was worth it - because the cake wouldn't be.

So I just said no today and I'm really glad. I had a spot on day following the plan I wrote of yesterday to the letter. The food was good, satisfying and enough. There was a moment late afternoon before dinner where a food thought came over me and another after dinner. They weren't terribly compelling but enough to send me down the garden path on many days. It wasn't hard to resist. And I literally said to myself after dinner, "You know you've had sufficient nutrition for the day. You will not die of either malnutrition or starvation if you have not one more bite today, even though it feels a little said and empty.

I ended up going to bed early, succumbing to another dose of Benadryl I took for my poison ivy itching. The poison ivy is getting worse, so I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to get an order for Prednisone. I hate to do it, but it's clearly not settling down. I hate to resort to it, but at this point I'm ready to be done with the crazy itching, and watching the ivy rash spread up above my elbow at this point. It's time.

The thing I've been thinking about my whole weight loss journey today is how much of a head trip it is for me. Of course the physical reality is what it is, but my attitude, willingness, acceptance, honesty and perseverence are all functions of my head. There is a saying in AA: "You can't think your way into right acting; you really have to act your way into right thinking". My head (the ultimate thinker) will rationalize, connive, finagle and bullsh*t me from here to Kingdom Come, striving to convince me that one small handful of 40% reduced fat Kettle potato chips won't hurt me or set me off this time. (This happened Sunday - a new brand I hadn't tried and had bought "for my son". What a crock! 2 crocks, actually. #1 - buying them for my son, and #2 - pretending to "believe" that the one handful won't set me off. I have to overide the mind chatter and just do the next right thing. Which in my case is always going to be to not eat the thing my head tells me I have to have when it's not within the confines of my food plan.

My AA sponsor said to me yesterday, "You know full well when you're eating what you shouldn't, when you shouldn't." I might as well be honest with myself at those times and just admit that, for that day, I'm choosing food over something else. Food over quiet time. Food over showing up for something that I fear might make me uncomfortable. Food over feeling what's really going on with me. Food over being with my family. I'm choosing food over living my life as it unfolds each day. That is absolutely the truth, and I want to stop making that choice.

I went to the gym yesterday and got in 30 minutes on the bike with level 3 resistance. Felt great, and I would have gone longer but I wanted to get home and see Oprah with Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Gilbert about the upcoming movie from the book Eat, Pray, Love. My doctor's appointment after work is at 3:30, so hopefully I'll get a long walk in after what will hopefully be a quickie appointment. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about getting another day here. Stay tuned!


  1. So many things about this post made me smile!

    - The fact that you didn't eat the cake but didn't leave it to hurt your coworkers feelings
    - The fact that you stuck with your plan
    - The fact that it was enough
    - The fact that you feel optimism.

    So much to smile about!

  2. Hello
    You doing so well...keep going

  3. I hate that you have to get the Prednisone too, but sometimes it is the only option. I hope it gets better soon :)

  4. Anonymous25 May, 2010

    That list of statemetns that begins with "Choosing food over..." I ought to just copy it and post it on my blog as my own. I've been facing that truth--again--myself this week.

    Great post. I sympathize with the itching. torture. :( Glad you're getting it dealt with. I have an appt with the dermatologist, myself, on Thursday. My GI guy really wants me to get the rash biopsied to confirm the gluten problem. sigh. I glutenized myself a teensy bit this weekend (breading on shrimp) to help fire it up. It fired it up alright. sigh.


  5. Leslie, I just love the way you bring up AA sayings that are so helpful. And that you stirred your trash can to preserve :) feelings. (done that before) I'm glad you're feeling good.

  6. Hi Leslie. I think you should gently mention to the co-worker that you have issues with food and need to stick to a strict plan. Or if that's TMI then just that you are on a strict diet - even say "for medical reasons" (something no-one can argue with). Whatever way you need to put it so that the potential for being sabotaged (in that particular way) by the environment is removed. She cannot be offended if you let her see that you are refusing the food for genuine reasons.

    I admire your strength today in throwing it away (I don't think I could!). But I also think you need to give yourself the best possible chance in the future of sticking to your plan.

    Bearfriend xx

  7. I've been in my head that last couple of days too.

  8. I am still itching like a mad dog but I am super afraid of prednisone.

  9. Good luck with the Prednisone. Husband has had to use it for p. oak, and once for a severe allergy to... (??? "idopathic allergen", if you want the $$$$ term) It works, but one of those you don't want to have to use unless you really need to.

    I note that I use some of the same thought processes to rationalize what I want, food wise. "One can't hurt, I am just getting the thing for Husband..." Yeah. Sure. :/

    Power to you!

  10. How weird...you were commenting on my post just as I was headed over to yours! Good job on dumping the cake. Don't you love that "noble" feeling afterwards? I read where you used that word in a comment on someone else's blog a long time ago and I just love it. Technically, we were at "Lake Acworth" today, but yes, it is part of Allatoona. I live about 10-15 mins north of there in Emerson, so not far at all. Personally, I'm a pool girl. I'd much rather be soaking up chlorine than I would dirty lake water, lol. But hey...I don't have a pool and the kiddos wanted to go swimming, and thanks for the lie about me looking good in a bathing suit...I love a good liar ;) BIG HUGS!!!

  11. good job saying NO! :) Not always easy to do!

  12. Bye, bye cake! Keep up the good groove. Oh, I hope that steroid helps your ivy. Makes me itch just thinking about it.....

  13. The same thing happened to me (with cake)!! The woman who brought it over is as sweet as can be. She is kindhearted and gentle as a dove. Anyhoo-she brought over a large ice cream pie type of dessert and I (unlike you) took a couple of bites before I threw it away. I made sure to dispose of it so she wouldn't see it if she came in my office. It would have crushed her to see it in the trash can!

  14. You did good girl! You are feeling strong and making wise choices. It feels so good doesn't it?

  15. I understand 100% about the poison ivy. And are you one of those people that gets it no matter what or are you not scrubbing thoroughly enough after yard work? I strip and scrub. Ans wash everything I had with me. I even scrub my glasses in case I accidently touched them while out in the yard.

    and I think the best way to kill the vines - is to put 100% round up (concentrate with NO water) on a leaf or two. If you are worried about it touching over things or washing off - put a plastic bag over it (baggie, newspaper sleeve). Obviously have your husband do it.

    you cannot say something to the surprise food lady? Or put it back on her desk? REALLY? It is no different to me than if she was putting a beer (or whatever your favorite from yore) on your desk. And what would you do then? And honestly, I wouldn't even be very happy with her if she was putting raw fruit and veggies at your desk - because it would not always be what you have planned for yourself nor meal time. She is enabling and she needs to stop.