Trying to be true to mine own self

Thank you blog friends, for the great encouraging comments yesterday. Man! Some of the best comments I ever had. The catharsis of honestly outing myself for the eating indiscretions of last week rather than fudging my weight to be a few pounds less than it actually was (I can't seem to avoid food metaphors!) helped a lot. I had a good day yesterday, and really upped my water intake. This morning I was a full 3 pounds lower - 206.1 - which wasn't surprising given how many *&#$*# times I was up to the "ladies' room" during the night.

Several people mentioned really accepting the need to manage the addiction, and I know that's true. This can never be like abstaining from alcohol, obviously. I've tried rigid food programs, most notably one where a sponsor gives you a list of what you eat each day: 4 oz protein, 6 oz vegetables plain cooked, 8 ounces of salad with 1 Tbs. dsg for both lunch and dinner every day, plus the prescribed b'fast of 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1 cup plain yogurt and 1 fruit every day, with no variation.

I did one of those programs for 6 weeks, almost 3 summers ago. I had to call a sponsor every morning at 6:45 and "turn my food over to her" by listing it, every single item. Any variation in what I ate vs. what I told her I was going to eat had to be called in prior to the change, or else it was considered a slip. If the apple I said I'd have for breakfast turned out to be rotten and I susbstituted an orange, I had to call to "discuss it". WTF? It was ridiculously rigid, and I knew from day one that I wouldn't last very long with it, not because of the food restrictions but because of the absolute Stepford wife nature of the group members. I confess that I often substituted items without the requisite call because I hated talking to the sponsor. She was joyless and too serious.

I definitely lost weight - 28 lbs in 6 weeks. But for me that kind of plan isn't sustainable. Yet yesterday I was considering that maybe I needed to return to it and accept that this was the only way my life could be free from the pain of food addiction. I almost called an AA friend who goes to that program, but my inner voice said "no". If honestly adhering to that kind of program is what it takes, I can clearly say I'm not willing. I'm willing to exercise, work hard, be honest; even resist foods I know might set me off MOST OF THE TIME. But I know that a program of 100% rigidity will never work for me over the long haul. That isn't denial, it's truth. As Tammy said in her comment, I will strive to do the best I can, given the circumstances, one day at a time.

I have to add that at my 206.1 weight this morning, I'm 6 1/2 pounds higher than the lowest I got on Rigid Eaters Anonymous. I have never gained the weight back that I lost on that program, except for these brief forays after a few days of overeating. I was down to 192.2 at my lowest 2 1/2 years after quitting the program until I had my first knee surgery in early December '09. The decreased exercise has played a big role in my recent struggles, both physically but esp. emotionally. So - in reflecting on all of this information, I know that it is NOT the next right thing to go back to the rigid program.

The biggest thing I realize is that it's vital for me to weigh no less than once a week. It's best for me not weigh more than that either, because I can get into the scale roulette of eating according to what the scale says. If my eating is really clean and I'm getting plenty of exercise, it's okay for me to weigh less than weekly. But this recent episode of knowing I was eating pretty freely for a week or so (though not bingeing as I know I can) illustrates clearly the importance of not letting too much time pass without surveying the scale. Had I not gotten on the scale yesterday, I could have added several more pounds and then really set myself back, which would have emotionally messed with my head more than I care to think about.

I just got back from about a 3 mile walk that felt great, and will be outside doing some planting and gardening this afternoon. I feel some relief that 3 pounds dropped off so fast because they were fluid based. But there is much more to do if I want to move through this almost 6 month period of wavering up and down the same 10 pounds again and again. For today, 206.1 sounds a hell of a lot better than 209.1. And I'll be facing scale reality daily for a few days just to stay alert and accountable. Thank you again, beautiful bloggers, for the support, kindness and acceptance that I didn't feel I deserved yesterday. Today everything feels lighter and much more hopeful.