Seeking buried treasure

**I wrote this last night and posted it this morning. I want to say that I'm 2 days in on the WW plan, getting my points allowance for the day without going over. I have extra weekly points I can tap as needed, as long as they're tracked. I woke feeling good! Rested, clear-headed, calm and not even a tiny indentation on my ankles from the socks I wear to bed (every night!). I'm finding I'm already taking better care of myself in other ways...flossing daily (well, 2 days in a row isn't going to get me a Nobel prize, but it's something I let slide too often), brushing my hair before bed, washing my face and moisturizing! Please let this last. At least for today.**

I greatly appreciate all the support, encouragement and kind comments from my blog friends about me joining the new and improved (IMHO) Weight Watchers. I have to confess that when I wrote about it I was afraid that there would be a collective eyeroll from my readership, as if to say "there she goes on yet another wild goose chase for the next quick weight loss fix". I know it's a little sad that I feel that way, because no one in the blog realm or in my actual in-the-flesh life has ever given me that impression. Maybe they've thought it, but no one has ever been judgemental about my struggle to my face, and probably not on the down-low, either. See how I can be what they call in AA "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex"?

That impression comes from deep within my - soul? heart? mind? old baggage receptacle? - somewhere an expectation that I'm fundamentally flawed and everyone knows it. My MO used to include constantly criticizing myself in order to let you know that I know I'm full of it and essentially unworthy and bad, fat, dumb...whatever. Low self-esteem 'R" moi - or WAS moi. Truly I've gotten much better over the years. The most common thing people used to say to me was, "You are so hard on yourself!!! WHY?" Um, I don't know why. Oh, yeah I do...to make sure you know that I know...see beginning of this paragraph.

I'm happy to report that no one has said that to me in at least 10 years, which indicates genuine progress. I don't verbally pummel myself or tear myself to shreads anymore. Through AA and therapy, I've done LOTS of work over the years and have let go of, if not destroyed, many old tapes that used to cycle through my brain persistently, reminding me of the importance of keeping my opinion of myself lower than an angleworm's tummy. Not anymore - I'm MUCH better. And yet...still harboring old vapors of my essential awfulness. Else why would those fears of bloggy judgement waft into consciousness?

The reason I'm compelled to write about this is that ancient negativity, low self esteem, self doubt and shame are among the detritus at the core of my emotionally driven eating. And what has become apparent to me in the last couple of weeks is how still active this old crap is in my subconscious mind, despite all the work I've done and healing I've experienced.

In Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weight Loss, she addresses this in the 2nd paragraph of the introduction. Nothing like cutting to the chase, Marianne. I'm going to quote her a bit here, because what she says seems starkly accurate and relevant, at least to yours truly.

"Perhaps you've made amazing efforts to lose weight in the past-employing everything from extraordinary diet plans to almost superhuman feats of exercise - yet have found yourself mysteriously unable to keep the weight off permanently. While you succeeded for a time in changing your behavior, you've not yet experienced the deep level of change necessary in order to truly solve the problem.

On your own you might have changed your conscious thinking, but you alone cannot change your subconscious. And unless your subconscious mind is enrolled in your weight-loss efforts, it will find a way to reconstitute the excess weight regardless of what you do."
She goes on to describe her "course" as "a lesson plan in aligning your thinking with the spiritual principals that will set you free", and lists them:

1. Your body itself is completely neutral. It causes nothing; it is completely an effect, not a cause.
2. Neither poor diet nor lack of exercise are the cause of your excess weight. Mind is cause; body is effect. The cause of your excess weight is in your mind.
3. The cause of your excess weight is fear, which is a place in your mind where love is blocked.
4. Fear expresses itself as subconscious urges, which then express themselves as either excessive and/or unhealthy eating habits and/or resistance to proper exercise.. The ultimate effect of this -that is, excess weight - will only be permanently and fundamentally healed when the fear itself is rooted out.

We'll see. The rest of the book is divided into lessons (chapters), each offering exercises for reflection and writing to help the individual discover and explore the old crap that continues to sabotage weight loss effort and the quest for peace with food. Marianne's premise is that once the crap (fear) is excavated and let go, there is space for healing and love. It's definitely new age-y and I may ultimately end up back with more applied work in the Steps of AA. Whatever, this work will be as important as eating less and moving more. That has worked in the past. Been there. Done that. Back here.

One thing I know is that neither WW nor any other food plan will ever be enough to promote the "deep level of change necessary in order to truly solve the problem". While I'm tallying points, I also need to be facing feelings and hunting down old pain. Claiming the old baggage submerged deep in my soul and making peace with it - one way or another. Letting go. Seeing the errancy of negative beliefs. Valuing my experience - all of it, including the weight and eating. And coming to know that I don't need that aspect of self-coping anymore.

Sounds like a tall order but it's getting harder to not do it. I'm sick and tired of mindless yoyoing. I'm ready to seek a resting place that leaves room for my rich full life. And I'm pretty sure the only way through is through.