Monday, February 13, 2012

What's LUCK got to do with it?

Today hubby Tom and I celebrate 30, that's right...THIRTY years of marriage. This feels like a major accomplishment in this time where upwards of 50% of marriages end in divorce.  We're lucky, huh?  I'm lucky, yes?  Well, luck has something to do with it.

I've been reflecting on this a lot for the last few days.  Tom is a wonderful, loving, funny, sensitive,caring, vulnerable, smart man.  Thoughtful.  He is an outstanding and fantastic father and a wonderful man with whom to co-parent. He comes from a big loving family who have always embraced me as one of their own.   He's genuinely  interested in others, curious about every/anything, and has a work ethic that is 2nd to none.  He's passionate about his profession and finds it 'relaxing' to spend weekend time dabbling in the work he does from home. And there's that delightful giggle when he's tickled about something (or just tickled).  He's also handsome, lean (I've outweighed him, even when I was thin, for 95% of our marriage), runs daily, though at age 63, he's slowing down a bit.  I could go on and on.

Sounds like the perfect man, huh?  That's what I thought until we'd been married for about, oh...a week or so!  He's also stubborn (his mother has always claimed his head is made of granite, and I concur), minimalist (think "Why do we need to redo the bathroom?  Everything in it works..."  Yeah - but it's the original 1954 stuff, and looks like sh*t...), hopelessly obtuse and sometimes just screwy in how he perceives things, born a century too late as this "newfangled world" really flummoxes him.  At times he's a master of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time because of the aforementioned obtusity.  I could go on and on.

So am I "lucky"?  Are we "lucky".  He doesn't have the opportunity to write 2 paragraphs about me in this venue.  If he did, he'd be genuine in his description of the positive attributes of the woman he married.  He'd be kind in the next paragraph about the less-than-perfect aspects of his bride (as I was!).

Well, luck certainly has played a role, but our marriage has been hard work.  There have been times where I honestly felt like I hated his guts.  Where I fantasized about packing it in.  Wondered what the hell I ever saw in him anyway.  I could go on and on.

Now you can imagine he hasn't felt the same way about me...his loving wife who turned into a shrew when she drank, has at times been critical of his every move, ran up his credit cards when he asked me not to...I could go on and on.  And on... for much longer and with a much longer laundry list of things he's had to endure with me, in my struggle to get sober, get better, and find out for the first time who I really am.  He had reasons to bail out a million times, yet he never considered it.  Neither did I.

Maybe that's where the luck has come in.  Somehow, despite the realities of everyday life with it's glorious gifts, serious problems, extreme busyness with 3 active kids, financial ups and downs, and everything that comprises a life lived in partnerhood,  familyhood and community, we just kept on keeping on.  The bad times, the good times - they all come and they all go.  As they say in AA - "this too shall pass", and it all does.  But the memories, the lessons learned, the graces bestowed... remain and inform and, if we let them, enrich and deepen the commitment made back those 30 years ago.  Love is messy and rich and wonderful and easy to forget in the heat of intense moments.  But it has sustained as the baseline of our relationship and strengthened us when we most needed.

An anniversary is just another day, but this one has offered me the emotional opportunity to reflect on just how much I love this man.  Happy Anniversary, Tom.

This pic taken this morning before face washing, hair combing, or other assorted freshening up!  Like you couldn't tell!

13 comments:

  1. Happy anniversary to you both, and many more!

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  2. As one who will celebrate her 35th wedding anniversary in June, that is one of the most poignant pictures of marriage I have ever seen in it's bold honesty. It could have been written by any one of us who are in long lasting marriages and wouldn't have it any other way. But so different than much of the "advice" people are making millions dispensing these days. Happy anniversary, Leslie! As you say, there've been times we wanted to kill them, but nonetheless, these anniversaries are treasured days!

    Haven't commented much, but have read ever word of your recent posts. Keep up the good word with the Paleo. You seem to be on to something.

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  3. Happy anniversary!! What a wonderfully honest and heartfelt post. I concur with everything you've said about it. I'm not sure about luck having much to do with it, but fate and faith makes up a percentage. :) Hubby and I have been married half as long as you and Tom... I look forward to the next 15 years with my George.

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  4. Love the photo; love the post:) Happy anniversary. I think marriage is filled with ups and downs and we just need to stick through the latter to get back to the former. As for the luck thing - as I read this I was once again struck by how lucky I was that the first man who stole my heart was such a good man:)

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  5. I am so thrilled for you. Good marriages just don't happen - luck helps - but its really about two people who care enough about each other to make it work. I always thought I'd be celebrating my 50th with grandchildren running around my feet and although that didn't work out for me - I don't regret any one of those 25 years. I think marriage is one of the few institutions left we can believe in.

    Hugs to you both and here's to the next 30!

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  6. That one paragraph where you describe him as minimalist? I had to blink and make sure you weren't talking about Mr. Helen lolol! In any case this is a lovely tribute to Tom and your 30 years of marriage. Happy Anniversary!

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  7. Luck my ass! You've made it a wonderful 30 yrs with a lot of hard work, love, commitment, dedication, mutual respect and honor for each other. That picture is absolutely perfect...I love it! And I love you! :)

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  8. What a wonderful, loving, honest post! And the two of you are darling together. I love the abundance of spirit, Leslie. Congratulations.

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  9. Happy Anniversary. We're going on 39. You're entirely right--a little more than luck is needed.

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  10. What a sweet post - Happy Anniversary! Thirty years together isn't easy...big congratulations for lasting through all the crazy parts!

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  11. I love this post for many reasons...it's honest and refreshing and it reminds me of what I have in my marriage. There's definitely some luck involved and some hard work, but on some level I think it comes down to being willing to respect not only our partners, but ourselves. Happy 30th Anniversary!!

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  12. Very sweet! My husband and I have been married 23 years. And it's so fun to say a word or phrase and come up with the same memory from a different decade!

    :-) Marion

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  13. How sweet it is! Happy Anniversary to you both! What an lovely tribute this was, raw, honest and well - romantic!

    Marriage is filled with peaks and valleys, thunderstorms and rainbows!

    Blessings to you both, what a cute couple you are!

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