Why can't this be E-Z?

I'm getting an attitude about something and I need to spill it before it starts eating at me, which will likely result in me eating at anything or everything not nailed down or locked away. I've learned in AA that if something is irritating me endlessly, or I'm getting a resentment about something, best to just put it out there so that it doesn't become a dirty little secret. Harboring such thoughts can erode one's well-being and lead one back to a drink, or in my case now, bad eating behavior.

Before I share it, let me say that I'm doing pretty well on this 2nd official day of tightening up my "program" (and hopefully my physique in the process). I'm feeling motivated and enthusiastic, but not in a fervent way that makes me feel like I've just witnessed a miracle of untold proportion. And while I'm feeling okay, this simply isn't easy, and I have frequent thoughts of wanting to eat crap I have no business eating. No matter how far into a successful run of clean eating I go, I always have bouts of "food desire", or maybe more accurately stated, "eating desire"; and hunger or cravings often have nothing to do with it.

Having quit drinking 18+ years ago, I've been through this with alcohol. Once I'd finally had what turned out to be my last drink, I still had a daily desire - actually an obsession - to "do it one more time" ("it" being drinking, or in my case, drunking). This is a widely recognized occurrence among people who give up an addictive substance, or behavior. For some it disappears quickly, but for others, it can go on for years.

In my case, the daily desire to drink lasted about 9 months, and it was tough. Some mornings I'd wake up and say to myself, "Today I'm just gonna do it. One more time and then I'll be done." I'd rail at AA meetings that I felt I was worse since I'd stopped drinking than prior, because now I was utterly obsessed with thoughts of alcohol, where I hadn't been before. The folks would just nod their heads and tell me to "Keep coming back", and "This too shall pass". One person actually came up to me at the break one day and told me the reason I was feeling obsessed was because I wasn't acting on the impulse to drink. I didn't feel that way when I was drinking because I didn't abstain from it. So no need to feel that uncomfortable obsession. Well DUH! But I hadn't thought about it that way, and it actually helped. That little interaction happened around my 9 month sober anniversary, and very shortly thereafter the desire to drink was finally lifted and has revisited me very infrequently since - and with much less intensity or tenacity. Translation - it got better and easier.

As a non-religious but very spiritual person who still considers myself a Christian, my belief and faith in God has been strengthened incredibly from this slowly unfolding experience (of my life!). I'd tried a million times to quit drinking on my own. I meant it with all my heart every time I tried. But eventually I'd decide (after days or weeks or vivid awareness that I wasn't drinking, which no non-alcoholic would experience) I wasn't really an alcoholic and didn't really have a problem, and the switch in my brain slid from off to on regarding drinking. Off to the races again I'd go. For me to finally be able to stop, find not only sobriety but an incredible rich life as a result of the fellowship of AA, had to have been ordained, or at least aided, by Something Greater. For me, that Something was/is God, and it was only because God saw fit to lift the alcohol obsession from me a day at a time that I was able to receive the gift of sobriety.

I wasn't planning on giving a thumbnail version of my AA story here, but I guess it was supposed to flow as background info for me to get on with confessing my gripe here. Obviously I've been through a difficult letting go of a completely maladaptive self-destructive substance/behavior. It was hard. I whined and gnashed my teeth and wrung my hands day after day as I didn't give in to the obsession to return to the behavior. I have every reason to trust that I can and will be able to let go of bingeing and crazy eating of unhealthy crap food, and though it might take time - it will get easier. Right?

But this is so much harder for me. I always say that for me, food and overeating is my oldest primary issue - baby's first addiction. I truly want to do this - let go of eating as a life strategy and replace it with eating as a healthful practice, resulting in weight loss, improved vitality and strength, and a more conscious day to day existence; I know I can, but when obsessive food thoughts swarm, it feels harder to resist than when thoughts of a drink would pop up. Having meetings where so many other folks had been through it helped tremendously. I know there is a 12 step program for food which I've been to a few times over the years and really don't like at all. So I guess you - the wonderful supportive blog community is my equivalent of a place to vent and celebrate and deal with what comes along as I travel this path - which is what I'm doing now.
So my gripe? The way that for some bloggers, it seems there really isn't much struggle with this - it's just all pumped up enthusiasm and certainty and cheerleading and "Just Do It" mentality - which I love, which helps, which I understand and appreciate, but which I "Just Don't Got" for now. I think at the core is that I'm jealous that it just isn't going to be that way for me. It will be a struggle. I do believe in a God that sustained and sustains me through getting and staying sober; so why can't I trust that the same God will help me when every cell in my body wants to excape into the oblivion of food coma? Bottom line - I want to be normal about food. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I'm not. NOT NORMAL. Acceptance is the key to moving on with what is and getting through the trenches when they surround. But still I yearn to be normal.

For today, I feel strong and am pretty sure I'm going to have another good day. But see how just one clean day has me antsy enough to have this rant of a post? If you're rolling your eyes and thinking that I whine too much - oh well. It's my blog and I'll whine if I need to. I just have to say that just because I want something doesn't mean I can get it by doing affirmations in the mirror and defining who I am and what I want. At some point, this will take tough gutting it out - not eating when I'm feeling driven to - and then dealing with the feelings that percolate up when they aren't stuffed down by Tastykakes and Wheat Thins.

So to all the cheerleaders out there, please keep cheering and encouraging and rah-rah-rah-ing...it's good stuff, helpful and important. Motivating and inspiring. I need it even when it makes me crazy, just like I occasionally need someone at an AA meeting to tell me I'm off my beam temporarily. I know I can do it, but I also know I can't do it alone. And I don't have to, given that I have my beloved blog community and my Something Greater who I chose to call God.