DESIRE

I'm feeling good, strong, and psyched up about my weight loss program again. This is the most enthusiastic I've felt since mid fall, and it feels great. I've literally been petitioning the universe, as well as praying, for willingness and determination and continued desire to succeed in this venture.

Does that sound weird? Praying for desire to lose weight? It does to me, except that I've been living inside a mind and body that had begun to slip back into old ways of thinking. Thoughts like: "I'm still in a size 16 and that's not TOO bad", "maybe I'm really "meant" to be this way", "I'm still down 20+ pounds from my all time highest weight", "I simply can't live a life style that allows me no treats", "maybe my knees are telling me to just accept my new limits", "how can I learn to be satisfied without constant open season in my fridge and cupboards"...just a bunch of happy horsesh*t that was beginning to deeply undermine not only my efforts, but my desire.

It's like I forgot how good it felt to get to the lowest weight so far (192) and eagerly anticipate going lower. I forgot that I want to be an average size woman who gets below even the "overweight" category on the BMI scale. It slipped my mind that size 16 is still essentially a plus size, and by the way - a few of them were feeling a little snug. I couldn't access the memory of wanting to feel robust, energetic, lean and strong. I started thinking I'm fine the way I am and that my lack of acceptance of my overweight self that is the REAL problem.

I'm so thrilled to say that for today, and yesterday, I'm pumped up to be back on the losing beam. My whole mindset feels different. Here's a silly little example of how I know I'm BACK...yesterday afternoon around 4:30, I'd exercised, had a measured and documented snack, and started feeling "food antsy". I found the inner voice (thank you Chris Oursler!) that said, "You're not eating anything until dinner so have a cup of tea", and that's what I did. A cup of green tea with no sweetener, no nothing. It was nice, civilized, and sane. And it did the trick.

Every single time I've had successful weight loss and food behavior, hot tea has been a staple. A valuable tool that means more somehow than just sipping tea. It's part of a whole different sensibility in me that I can't entirely identify but recognize clearly when it's active. I want to take care of myself. Exercise to the best of my capabilities. Buy and cook healthy food. Feel genuine empty stomach hunger pangs.

The pangs never bother me because they feel real, righteous and indicative of delaying gratification. They remind me to check in with myself to see how I'm feeling. Not physically, but emotionally. When I'm in the sort of grazing and random stuffing in of mass quantities of consumables, I have no thoughts of my feelings because they are unattainable, buried beneath the volumes of chips and dips and cookies and what-have-yous.

I'm re-igniting the fire in my belly to live clean, healthy, lose weight and get better in every way. Right now it's a a few flames flickering frantically. I'm intending to fan those flames and create a raging inferno where nothing will stop me or get in the way of me getting to my goal.

Yesterday I ate roughly 1500 calories. Probably a little low, but trust me, my body has some reserves. I'm going to shoot for 1600-1700/day. I did go to Spark People yesterday and remembered how difficult it is to find exact calorie counts in amounts useful to me. So I'm buying a calorie counter book today to keep on hand. I wrote every bite yesterday. After work I biked at the gym for 22 minutes (started feeling the knee so wisely stopped, though I wanted to do 30 minutes), and then walked for
25 minutes with the dog. A cooked some cauliflower and broccoli to bring for lunch today with turkey.

Right now, when the thought of those hunger pangs comes up, I say "Bring 'em on!" But binge thoughts scare me to death. I feel pretty powerless over food compulsions when they hit. But I have tools with which to fight them, including that inner voice that sternly says NO. No. No.

So the universe has bestowed upon me a big dose of desire that is growing. And that is what I want to nourish - desire for wellness, wholeness, weight loss and fitness. Not for empty calories that simply take me farther away from my truest self. Thanks universe! Keep it coming, and I'll do my part.