Catharsis

This has been another day where I don't have too much brilliant brewing in la cabesa.  We had an amazing day in the 70's and I got a good walk in with a friend.  Turns out the the walk I've been doing that I thought was about 3/4 mile is actually 1.6 miles.  I decided to clock the distance in the car today and was pretty psyched to see that I've been going further than I thought.  Makes me feel a little more optimistic about my future on foot!  It's also interesting to note that I often feel kind of gimpy and achy when I start out walking but after a few minutes the knees both move more smoothly.  Classic arthritis symptoms.  Ahh, to be a woman of a certain age.  But there is steady improvement.

I realize I'm in a bit of a funk.  That's what's brewing, when I let myself feel it and don't eat it down.  I'm definitely not sad or depressed, but just in a blah place where it's hard to muster enthusiasm about much of anything.  I get this way every once in a while, and I know it's secondary to prolonged down time, decreased exercise and maybe season change.  Not to mention the fact that we don't get "happy happy joy joy" days every single day. I feel antsy and itchy and unsettled, but not sure what is at the core of the feeling.  The fact that my eating has been cleaner (though not entirely clean) is probably enabling some of this inner unrest to surface.  Even though I went back to work, it was only one day.  That was good, but I'm still totally wafting in unstructured days and am getting tired of it.  It's funny, because after I'm back at work for several weeks, I'll be craving unstructured time!  The grass is always greener wherever I'm not.

I feel myself spinning into the future and worrying that because I've had all this time off, I won't be able to take time of this summer for a vacation (not that we have anything planned!).  Realistically that isn't true, because Family Medical Leave time is totally unrelated to vacation time, except that during all my time off, I had to use all my accrued vacation, sick and personal time.  That kept me getting full paychecks, until this week.  I wasn't sure where I stood with time and suspected I was close to having used up most of what I'd stored.  Sure enough - today I checked my bank balance and saw that our paychecks were deposited today (instead of tomorrow, which would have been the usual Friday pay day) and my check was for $64.00!  That's sixty four dollars!  For a 2 week pay period.  Yikes - yeah - my time is obviously used up, so it's going to take a bit for me to reaccrue paid days off.  I think that's another reason for my angst today.  Financial concerns...mine are minimal compared to so many folks, but I'm still a little freaked to get such a tiny check.  Tom will be able to subsidize me for the next 2 weeks, but his business is limping along and he isn't exactly rolling in thousand dollar bills.

Wah wah wah!  I think I'm whining a little too much here, and definitely more than is warranted.  So much so that I'm not even sure I should publish this post.  Yesterday I noted I'm post-menopausal and therefore don't complain about TOM, but today I sound like I have PMS; and truth be told, I feel like it too!  One of the best things I ever heard in AA that I say all the time, "This too shall pass."  And it will.  In the meantime, I'm going to try something radical like counting my blessings to help get a perspective shift.  It won't take long to realize I've got it pretty darn good in virtually every area of life.

I'm fixing a wonderful healthy dinner - baked salmon, sweet potatoes and sauteed swiss chard with onions and garlic.  If that doesn't put me in a better mood, nothing will.  Food hath charm to soothe the savage Leslie - at least for a little bit!