Friday, June 4, 2010

Going to any lengths, and widths, and breadths

First - the best news which is that I got a second consecutive day of sane eating!  No bingeing at all.  It was on my mind to eat yesterday afternoon, but I kept thinking about what I'd posted, my promise, and that it was only for yesterday.   I pondered the pantry which is full of  items that my son and husband enjoy in a sane and moderate manner, which baffles the hell out of me, btw.  Then again, so does "a glass of wine", but I digress.   I fantasized about one handful of this, one piece of that.  Visualized the pantry shelves in their abundance.

I stated  truth to myself .  "Whatever you eat will not be enough.  It WILL lead to more."  And the self agreed, grudgingly.

"Self", said I, "You are only committed to today.  If you want to eat all that isn't nailed down in your house and the local convenience stores, you can do it tomorrow.   You will not die if you abstain for the rest of today, eating only your planned meal.  You may cry, sigh, shake, quake, obsess, rage, ruminate.  But you won't die or be negatively affected in any physical sense."  I'm not kidding, I really had to have that talk with myself.

And I got through the day!  And woke up with the distinct ABSENCE OF REGRET and NO REMORSE.  That's beautiful stuff. 

Second - my weight this morning was 205.6.  Don't love it, but love it better than what it was Monday.  Several pounds better, if you wanna know.  It is my starting weight for the 101 Days of Summer Challenge.
One of my 2 goals for that challenge is to lose 10 pounds.  So by Labor Day, 195 is where I want to be.  I'll accept lower, but no higher, including the .6 lbs of spare change.  I know myself and my body.  If I do what I'm supposed to do, I can achieve this and more.  I'll be updating Biz regarding the challenge tomorrow, as per her terms!

Third - this part is hard.  Very hard.  I vowed to post a pic.  Hubby took pics this morning and they seriously depressed me.  In the big reveal, I'm going to show what I posted back in early January.  The clothes I wore then were better because they were tight fitting - esp. the pants.  As awful as the shots were, I was somewhat "contained".


Some simple detective work back to January 2010 shows I weighed about 202 in these pictures, so I'm essentially unchanged.  However, in keeping with my committment to accountability and truth telling, I'm posting the least horrific pics from this morning.  God help me!!

Man!  Girl friend needs a better bra, and I do have one btw!  Abs of silly putty.  Jillian would kick me to China and back.

This is the one (abvoe) that really plummetted my spirits into the crapper.  How surreal is it that the shirt I'm wearing is the one I got for walking a half marathon in Atlanta in March of 2008.  It used to slide down over my hips.  I got one pic with it pulled over my hips, and my last shred of vanity prohibits that one making the big reveal.  All I can say is that if I have the guts to put these pictures up, surely I can summon the oooomph and fortitude to start working HARD and PERSISTENTLY towards better pictures by Labor Day!

It looks a little better when covered by a work tee-shirt!  That's the dog's rear end, btw.

Please don't hate me because I'm fat and lumpy.   I absolutely positively know you don't, but I simply couldn't refrain from saying that.  One thing for sure, there is work to be done, and I can do it.  I don't just want to get back to the lowest I've been since last June, 192.2.  I want to get into the 180s and on down.  It'll sure be nice to have "after" pics I'm proud of...'cuz these are

Okay - Now for some reason I can't get the cursor to go back to the left margin, so the rest of this post will be centered, I guess.

One thing I have to mention that I posted about back in the earliest days of my blog when readers stayed away in droves...that I used to be a pear shaped woman.  And how I lamented that wide lower end and narrower top half.  I wanted hourglass, please, in perfect proportion!  Now I'd lop off an arm and leg for that shape.  Somehow in the magic mystery of menopause, girlfriend's shape took on what I lovingly call "Boxbody".  Thick middle, wide midriff, total reproportioning of body weight, er...fat, to the space between armpits and hip bones.  Classic old broad body.  Well, I can't change it all, but I can change some of it.  Shaving off some of the droopy belly (damn those 2 C Sections!) should be doable, or at least to shrink some of the fat cells so I can compress it all more smoothly!
So...for today I have another vow - day # 3 of clean eating.  It means that tonight I'm not going to go out for dinner with some girlfriends after a 6 p.m. AA meeting because I can't handle the restaurant eating today.  I know I'll end up ordering things that will set me off, and I want another clean day.  (Esp. after seeing these pictures, yikes-a-rooni)  I will report tomorrow about how it goes today.  For now, this vowing crap seems to be helping, and I don't want to let my bloggy peeps down.  Or myself.  Whatever it takes.  In AA they talk about going to any lengths to say sober.  IF posting these pictures doesn't count for going to some extreme lengths, I don't know what does.  I want to be a success story, not a "Don't let this happen to you" tale, which is where I've been floundering for too long. 

I hope everyone has a good weekend.  I'll be posting every day to stay accountable.  Now that I'm on this lengthy 2 day role, I don't want to risk it!

23 comments:

  1. Leslie, congratulations on sanity yesterday. I bet you really did feel wonderful when you woke up and had NO REGRETS! Carry that great feeling forward and no bad self-talk. Positive affirmations and encouragement are great, but don't put in that "bad" tape, okay?

    And how could we possibly hate you? You are fabulous! At whatever weight, with whatever shape and with whatever dog part showing in your pictures! You encourage us and support us and provide thought provoking insight to what recovery looks and feels like. We could never hate you - you are far too valuable to us all.

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  2. I think you look great! But then again I am faced with my own image in the mirror so all things are relative. My mom has box body after always being pear shaped also... I wonder how I will change always being box shaped.

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  3. Having a binge free day is awesome!! I know you can do this. And i swear i have the same stomach after my 2 "c" sections. We will do it :)

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  4. Congratulations on another day of success, and CONGRATULATIONS on having the courage to post !! First off, the talk to self- I am too familiar with that one ! I am an ex smoker, ex heavy drinker and ex drug user, and in the days I moved to get clean and sober, I had many days of self dialog such as this. Quitting is hard, victory is darned sweet !As to hating you, NO WAY ! I envy you ! You have fantastically proportioned legs, an actual butt and breasts that do not require a bottle of honey and an ant hill to appear ( and gravity is no friend to us small busted girls either !!)My quest when shopping for a bra is not the Miracle Bra, but rather the Divine Intervention Model ! Stomach- I had major exploratory surgery with a vertical incision from 4 inches above the navel to the hairline, followed immediately by a pregnancy that produced a 11 lb 12 oz baby via C Section with an incision that piggy backed the surgery. I do not have an abdomen, but a front facing butt and virtually no butt where I should have one. I will never look like a Victoria's Secret Model, but then again they could not do 1/10th of the things I do. I think we all benefit by stepping back and looking at all of the wonderful things we do and are, and just focus on making all this great stuff the best that it can be. We can do this- it is just going to happen a little slower than our younger companions on the journey. We are not flawed...we are awesome and a little sidetracked and road weary.

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  5. Way to go on no bingeing!!! Have a wonderful weekend ;)

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  6. I'm so proud of you!! Posting pics and staying binge free!! WHOOHOO....she's on a roll and it ain't buttered :)

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  7. Leslie. You are fantastic. I know this put you down in the dumps, but I love seeing you and feeling better about your mindframe. You seem more determined. You seem better. Have a great weekend.

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  8. Aww, you guys are the best. Every single comment made me feel good! On an unbettered roll indeed!

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  9. Being binge free for ANY number of days is something to celebrate! I know how hard it is. And now you can string them together and the longer you go without a binge, the easier it gets!

    You look MUCH better than you think you do, BTW. Be proud of who you ARE! You're a lovely person and you're just working on getting the outside to match the inside. BTW we weigh about the same, you know :)

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  10. Great job, keep it up! You really look great but I know that YOU will think you look great 10 lbs. down! By the end of the summer, you'll be looking hot!! Keep positive thought. It's just your mouth that wants the food, your brain and your heart know better and they are stronger!

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  11. Congrats on a successful day! It really is only one day at a time, because that's all any of us are guaranteed of. ;)

    Miss you! Come to my new message board! (I'm currently not blogging; not sure if I ever will again.)

    http://s1.zetaboards.com/Tuscany_Sunset/index/

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  12. First ... you are valuable, lovable, worthy etc. just as you are now. ♡
    Second ... waking up with no remorse IS a beautiful thing! I like the talk you had with yourself. It's a battle at times for sure to stay away from the binges we think we want. HOORAY! Leslie!
    Third ... I call my shape a "wrecktangle" ... not sure where it came from but since I turned 40 a lot of my weight went right to my abdomen.
    Fourth ... I know you don't like what you see in the pics. I feel the same way when I look at mine. But what we have to remember is that this is a temporary state of being. It's not where we will BE.
    Fifth ... I have to do this one day at a time. I keep tripping up when I think of the long haul.

    You are doing fantastic! Try not to let this drag down your feelings of joy about your other accomplishments!

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  13. Bravo Leslie! Two days down and you are doing great!

    Pictures are a great motivator!

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  14. "Whatever you eat will not be enough. It WILL lead to more." Yes, yes, yes.... I have totally experienced this feeling!

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  15. You are so brave to post pictures. I had my husband take some of me before I started working with my trainer. I have yet to post them. One thing I'll say is that the clothes you are wearing in the photos probably aren't your most flattering things you own. I'll bet you look great in a pair of regular black pants and a nice top with said bra!

    BTW, kudos for resisting the urge to eat your son and husband's junk. I'm lucky that my husband doesn't complain that I don't buy any junk food. He does however make the occasional "junk food run" for himself.

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  16. Well good Lord woman....you were upset about posting pics for what reason exactly???? You had me thinking in the posts that led up to it that you must look like an inflated beach ball with a tiny head or something....you look GREAT!! I call my shape a potato on stilts. :) I'm glad you had ANOTHER clean day of eating....this one day at a time is really working out for you. I'm trying my best today. It's 5:10pm right now & I've had 1372 so far w/o any dinner. I should be able to keep it under 1800 (for the first time in a week) w/o any problems. And I would have had the exact same conversation w/ myself as you did, except I would have inserted a few expletives, lol. And since you said you'll be posting every day over the wknd, I'll make sure I check every day. :)

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  17. I love what you shared about your battle to eat sanely for the second day. I could so identify with it. Especially - "Whatever you eat will not be enough. It WILL lead to more."

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  18. You said:
    Please don't hate me because I'm fat and lumpy.

    And I want you to realize that somewhere, there is someone that looked at your pics and thought - damn, I would be really pleased with that body.

    We all start from where we are. For some that is a very high number, for others a lower number. NO ONE is going to look at your pics and think ill of you. We will just enjoy seeing the progress. And I think there is a LOT of empowerment in posting the numbers and posting the pics. I always worry about the 'secret' people. I think posting it all - is sort of like standing up at an AA meeting. And I know you don't think one negative thing about those people stating their challenges.

    AND

    I can't remember if I have told you this before - but my first year, when I was in the midst of getting the mindless eating thing under control, I spent a LOT of time staring at a wall and crying. My self imposed time out, until I could trust myself to get up and be a 'big girl' and eat responsibly.

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  19. Leslie, you crack me up everytime! Abs of Silly Putty, OMG!!!

    And the conversation with yourself. Hilarious.

    OK, not the most flattering pictures, but I think Karen has a point about wearing not the most flattering clothes.

    The main thing is that you've accepted where you are (half the battle, I think) and you have a defined goal to move forward. One day at a time. We're all behind you! You can do it!

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  20. hahahaha. I also have "boxbody" hahaha. Never heard it called that, but so fitting. As if anything fits. lol.

    If I put on jeans to fit my waist (Uh-hmm, or where my waist is assumed to be.), I can fit a football inside the pants on each hip. If I fit the hips and legs, the pants don't button by 2 inches--at least. sigh. They make jeans for pear-shaped girlies, they do.

    But congratulaions on the consecutive clean days! And on having the courage to post pics you don't like! Great job! You'll be happy you did when you have those skinny pics to put alongside of them.

    Deb

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  21. It is a one day at a time thing..but those one days turn into weeks and weeks to months and months to years...as anyone past thirty knows..the years go and go and go...fast.
    go all in.

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  22. Weird, isn't it... Some days I wish I was apple-shaped because you can dress an apple much easier than a pear, but when I'm slim(mer) I'm grateful to have my shape because it is.... I dunno... Shapely?! lol The fatter I am, the more pear I am, the slimmer I get, the more hourglass I am... Possibly the days of a 26" waist are far behind me, but to be below 30" again would be terrific (and to have hips in the 40s again would be even better!)

    Well done for beating the binge demons. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you WILL get there. :o) You know a few weeks ago I was tackling one day at a time and saying to myself that if I could get through that one day, I'd allow myself whatever I wanted the next... One 'good' day led to another, then another... :o)

    Have fun!

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