Proceed with caution

All blog cops who were placed on standby yesterday to give me a hard time if I didn't get in the pool can relax...I did in fact get in the pool, and I swam and moved for a full 30 minutes.  It felt great!  I also warmed up by doing 10 minutes on the treadmill, and yesterday morning had done a 25 minute walk at the crack of dawn.  So it was a good exercise day. 

My food was good until after dinner.  That is the time of day where if I'm going to fall, it happens.  I'm wrestling with a very old issue - one that resurfaces over time at new and deeper levels (hopefully for continued healing, as I've experienced a lot of healing with it over the years), and I know it's at the core of my current food behavior.  I admit this not as an excuse but to continue to be fully honest and accountable for myself.

The issue involves worry and fear about illness and death - my own or precious loved ones, and given that as an only child I lost dad at age 11 and mom at age 23, the trauma is a "gift that keeps on giving".  Gift because in part it has shaped who I am, including the parts of me that are compassionate and empathic.  Gift as it has forced me to find a deeper source of strength and sustenance than the Royal Moi.  Gift I'd like to dropkick to China because the fear is essentially irrational and not anchored in reality.  I take a symptom and start to worry and ruminate...and get scared.  I know a lot of people do this, but it's over the top with me at times.  I've actually thought I was over it in the last year because I've been able to not go down that garden path to anxiety.  For whatever reason (I've learned it doesn't really matter why), it's been poked and I'm again finding myself obsessing about something.  A little.  Hubby is well aware and a staunch source of support and reason, but I feel myself spinning out a bit.

What am I going to do about this old issue that seems to be activated?  I've actually scheduled another "tune up" appointment with the counselor I've seen for years.  I mostly have terminated with her, but stay in touch for the occasional emotional backslide.  This is ancient unhealed pain from childhood.  Please know I don't blame it for my eating.  I'm responsible for the choice to pick up food when I know full well it's not the answer, the cure, and that I've had enough food for the day.  But no aspect of my thinking, feeling and behavior happens in a vacuum.  It's all interconnected, and when one area is out of sorts, it affects the whole.

For today I am issuing another vow, or promise, or intention.  I am not going to overeat today.  I will have 3 planned meals and 1 cup of Greek yogurt after dinner.  That's all and it will be plenty.  My little heart and soul and worrier (my inner little girl) might want more but I'm not going to have it.  I'll report tomorrow.

I didn't mean to go all serious here, but it sort of spilled out.  Overall I feel the effects of the Prednisone lessening and I have only 3 doses left.  Woohoo!  My minor funk of recent days is lightening also.  But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and so a session or 2 of talk therapy seems appropriate.  I'm going Saturday and will see if that gets at the inner itch that's stirring things up.  I'm a little nervous posting this today.  But not hiding behind shame and not staying on the down low about my real stuff is yet another way to heal and move away from the shame and self doubt.  So with out further ado, the post gets published.  I just hope I don't sound too crazy!