Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Proceed with caution

All blog cops who were placed on standby yesterday to give me a hard time if I didn't get in the pool can relax...I did in fact get in the pool, and I swam and moved for a full 30 minutes.  It felt great!  I also warmed up by doing 10 minutes on the treadmill, and yesterday morning had done a 25 minute walk at the crack of dawn.  So it was a good exercise day. 

My food was good until after dinner.  That is the time of day where if I'm going to fall, it happens.  I'm wrestling with a very old issue - one that resurfaces over time at new and deeper levels (hopefully for continued healing, as I've experienced a lot of healing with it over the years), and I know it's at the core of my current food behavior.  I admit this not as an excuse but to continue to be fully honest and accountable for myself.

The issue involves worry and fear about illness and death - my own or precious loved ones, and given that as an only child I lost dad at age 11 and mom at age 23, the trauma is a "gift that keeps on giving".  Gift because in part it has shaped who I am, including the parts of me that are compassionate and empathic.  Gift as it has forced me to find a deeper source of strength and sustenance than the Royal Moi.  Gift I'd like to dropkick to China because the fear is essentially irrational and not anchored in reality.  I take a symptom and start to worry and ruminate...and get scared.  I know a lot of people do this, but it's over the top with me at times.  I've actually thought I was over it in the last year because I've been able to not go down that garden path to anxiety.  For whatever reason (I've learned it doesn't really matter why), it's been poked and I'm again finding myself obsessing about something.  A little.  Hubby is well aware and a staunch source of support and reason, but I feel myself spinning out a bit.

What am I going to do about this old issue that seems to be activated?  I've actually scheduled another "tune up" appointment with the counselor I've seen for years.  I mostly have terminated with her, but stay in touch for the occasional emotional backslide.  This is ancient unhealed pain from childhood.  Please know I don't blame it for my eating.  I'm responsible for the choice to pick up food when I know full well it's not the answer, the cure, and that I've had enough food for the day.  But no aspect of my thinking, feeling and behavior happens in a vacuum.  It's all interconnected, and when one area is out of sorts, it affects the whole.

For today I am issuing another vow, or promise, or intention.  I am not going to overeat today.  I will have 3 planned meals and 1 cup of Greek yogurt after dinner.  That's all and it will be plenty.  My little heart and soul and worrier (my inner little girl) might want more but I'm not going to have it.  I'll report tomorrow.

I didn't mean to go all serious here, but it sort of spilled out.  Overall I feel the effects of the Prednisone lessening and I have only 3 doses left.  Woohoo!  My minor funk of recent days is lightening also.  But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and so a session or 2 of talk therapy seems appropriate.  I'm going Saturday and will see if that gets at the inner itch that's stirring things up.  I'm a little nervous posting this today.  But not hiding behind shame and not staying on the down low about my real stuff is yet another way to heal and move away from the shame and self doubt.  So with out further ado, the post gets published.  I just hope I don't sound too crazy!

12 comments:

  1. I was so happy yesterday when I received your email yesterday and say that you had swum.

    I am also an only child and have issues with abandonment sometimes. It kinda sucks.

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  2. Congratulations on getting in the water! If you can do it, so I can I. Thanks for the inspiration.

    You don't sound crazy at all. I admire you for seeing what needs to be done and doing it.

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  3. yeah for pool days! :) Keep up the great work! I need to focus more on portion sizes and it has not been easy lately- we can do it!!! :)

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  4. Congrats on braving the water!! Whoohoo!!

    I'm sorry that you feel anxious. I struggle with that a good bit too. I was actually doing my morning devotions and it was on anxiety. I read that we don't add a mintute to our lives by worrying. I know...easier said than done. The problem with worry and anxiety is that we miss the beauty of today. I'm talking to me just as much as you. I refocused my blog today, so I'm sure the anxious mindset will try to creep up on me today. I'm going to be praying a lot!!!

    Hang in there girl :)

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  5. You don't sound at all crazy ! Those deep fears are something that my spiritual path refers to as the shadow self, and some of the greatest work in our lives involves not only meeting this side of ourselves, but embracing it and discover what it really means. Running from this self never serves to bring any good to anything, but in exploration we discover what is our greatest source of power. Great day with exercise ! There is something so free-ing about a swimming workout !

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  6. Hang in there!!! That is good to hear that you are going in for a little "tune up" with the counselor. I think that is a great idea!! You can do this :)

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  7. Good job! On both the swimming and the tune-up. I like it when I see you taking care of yourself.

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  8. Hi Leslie,

    I think the fact that you can recognize the problems, think through them logically and make decisions to correct them is great.

    I did some swimming this week too. It was just for fun in a friends pool but moving is moving and it all adds up.

    Good luck Leslie

    MM

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  9. Good job for getting in the pool and I am glad you enjoyed yourself

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  10. You don't sound crazy! You sound real and honest and as normal as the rest of us. We all have issues and baggage and stuff. It just looks different.

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  11. I love your serious posts....you're an amazingly strong person and you inspire me every day...keep on keeping on.

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  12. I have always posted about my therapist and my psychiatrist very openly. And I applaud you for doing so too. I think the more we talk about recognizing when we need help and then GETTING the help - the better an example we set. Crazy is NOT getting help.

    In all seriousness - do you have something like knitting to do in the evening?

    And I LOVED that you listened to what I was wondering about the other day, considered it, and the popped over to my blog to say - I hear you - but I don't think that is what I am doing. I seriously loved that.

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