Enjoyment vs. Endurance

*Remember the deadline for the felted bag and PB2 giveaway is tonight (Friday) at midnight.  If you haven't entered and would like to, there is still time!!!*  You can comment on today's post or the original giveaway post.  Winners will be announced Sunday, June 20th!!*

Weekly weigh in today is 204.1.  Last week was 204.  Give me a break, you bastard scale.  Sure, you were reading a couple pounds higher yesterday because of the Chinese food and other er, indiscretions, earlier in the week.  But prior I was 203 plus change on Tuesday and better than perfect with food yesterday plus a superior workout.  Don't give me your cheeky smack talk about how I ought to be on my knees thanking you for an essential maintain this week.  I'M SICK OF YOUR CRAP.  Okay, maybe I'm sick of my own crap.  I'm ready to get back into Onederland and never ever again leave it.  If I had an old-fashioned dial scale, I could at least set it 5 pounds below zero (to make up for the curvature of the floor, or sunspots or something) and see a Onederland number.

This is going out on a limb, and maybe I can't do it, but with God as my witness (call me Scarlet) I will be at 200.0 next Friday.  That seems a little extreme, but I know my body and if I toe the line, stay on course, and have only healthy clean eating days with exercise of 30 minutes daily, it can and WILL happen.  Let me add (listen up, scale) that a tenth of a pound below 200 is acceptable.  But not above.  Yes, dammit, I KNOW it's up to me.  But you have to not pull any shit like a battery malfunction in the meantime.

There.  I feel better.  And truly I am okay with no loss this week.  It really could have been a gain.  Also, I had a fantastic workout yesterday that included 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes in the pool swimming laps.  I felt like a million bucks when I walked out of the gym, and so very righteous!

A little while ago I read Katie J's post for today.  In it she talked about several things, including seeing her trainer, weekend plans, and that she will be going to PF Chang's for the first time next week.  She said she would review the menu and make her choices accordingly as she plans to have dessert with the meal.  In commenting, I found myself saying that her choosing her entree accordingly to accomodate dessert was a way of enjoying her "lifestyle" (the journey to weightloss and fitness) rather than enduring it.  When I read the words my fingers had typed, I was surprised at what they said, and realized I'd heard something at my meeting this morning that likely influenced my thoughts.  Somewhere in the AA literature, there is a little nugget of wisdom that states, "Life is to be neither mastered nor endured".  This sounds like it may also be a  Buddhist concept.  Wherever it originated, it's a beautiful phrase..

I've read in blogs about how the journey to health and fitness needs to be a lifestyle rather than a "diet".  Many of my most successful weight loss efforts have been the result of "dieting" in the strictest sense of the word meaning restriction of intake.  I've spoken before about the rigid 12 step program (Food Addcits in Recovery) I did a few summers back where the only food I was "allowed" to have was from a food plan given to me by a sponsor.  Literally every bite was weighed, measured, reported and carefully selected.  The only variety of food on this plan was my choice of the one fruit I was allowed per day (excluding bananas and cherries), and my choice of what uncooked veggies to put in my 2 daily 8 oz salads and what vegetables to cook for the 2 daily 6 oz servings.  The philosophy of the program is "We keep the food black and white so we can *live our lives in color*."  And let me say right here I'm not criticizing this program.  It works, and works great for many people who have never been able to lose weight or maintain loss once they've achieved it.  With booze, it's all black and white for me.  If I have one drink, there is no telling what will happen next.  But one thing for sure - the *quality of my life* (*living it in color*) will diminish.  People I cherish may slip away.  But food is not so sharply silhouetted against the background of life as is booze for an alcoholic.

From day 1 of working that program, I knew that I didn't want to do it over the long haul.  The absolute rigidity of the food plan worked - and fast - while I followed it, even with my few modifications I didn't tell to my sponsor, like putting skim milk in my coffee.  I dropped weight like a snake sloughing scales.  But this way of eating wasn't sustainable for me.  Today when I wrote the comment on Katie's blog about her being able to enjoy her journey to fitness and health, a light bulb went on as I realized that living that rigid food plan removed the aspect of enjoyment of eating and food.  It was something I was enduring.  For some folks, it's great and provides the first relief ever from the vicious cycle of overeating, gaining weight and hating the prison of food addiction.

I'm fortunate that while I did have great success with that plan for the 6 weeks I was able to endure it, I also have plenty of examples in my life where I've been able to eat a more normal array of foods and still lose weight, or maintain it.  Within that, I also know full well that certain "foods" (are junk food, cake, chips, fries... really food?) are extremely likely to trigger cravings for more and lead to binge eating.  But not everyday.  I'm pretty self aware, and when I have a day where I'm thinking about bingeing all day long but trying to abstain from it, a handful of nuts or chips WILL inevitably lead to epic overeating.  I know that when I take the first compulsive bite, even if I'm telling myself that "it'll be different this time".  I know it.  And recently when I've encountered this exact scenario, I've forced myself to acknowledge the DECISION before I ingest the "handful".  At least be honest with myself.

But there are also times when I can have a piece of cake, or an extra serving of mac'n'cheese or whatever, and not get triggered to eat more.  Rigidity for me breeds dysfunction and sets me up for FAILURE.  I have both an emotional component to my eating and a physiological one that is beyond my metabolic needs for nutrition.  The whole high carb/insulin malfunction that Drs. Atkins, Agaston and others have explored is definitely a piece for me.  Yes, I'm a food addict.  But I also am sensitive to sugar and other high carb items.  I know it and can work with it when I'm exercising honesty and prudence with myself and my "appetites".  Sometimes I will screw up and eat too much or binge...yet I can get back on track right away without the punitive measures offered me by a rigid plan because I've "relapsed",  lost my "time" and now have to start all over, even losing my privilege of sharing at meetings.

The old bartender's line, "what'll you have with that?"  applies here.  I can ask myself that question before I opt for a "handful" of something I know damned well will lead me to epic overeating.  On a vulnerable day, the choice to go ahead and have that handful that becomes a gut full will fill make me feel sick.  I'll awaken the next day with regret, remorse and shame.  I'll think, "Shit, I did it again" just like I did with the booze.  All that is "what I'll get with that" to answer the bartender's question.  Maybe I don't really want it.

I do want freedom to think, choose, and grow emotionally in a way that unfolds into more good choices.  If my progress has been slow and seemingly non-existent at times, it's by the scale's verdict only.  Because I'm getting deeper and deeper along this journey to my best Leslie and her truth.  I can acknowledge that the handful is going to turn into a bellyful and for a moment pause and decide if it's what I want.  I don't have to have all those negative things mentioned in the above paragraph.  I'm making more better choices now, lying less about my eating to self and others.  Kind of weird NSVs, but given that this is the last "diet" I'm ever going on, I better own every bit of progress I can. 

Life is to be neither mastered nor endured.  It's to be enjoyed.  And Lived.  That's what I'm looking for.  Peace with food, peace with eating, peace with self.  It's coming.  I'm feeling it more everyday.  Each day is a new beginning, and if necessary, I can start my day over at any time.  And endurance does fit into the picture as we keep on getting back up after falling, moving ahead when we're maintaining, and staying motivated when we're winning.