This blog is a bit of this and that as I endeavor to break away from food addiction. It's also a whole lot about life. I just have to get out of my own way in this pursuit of brilliance and...freedom! You can help me by coming along because I can't do it alone. Input welcome :)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Food and Money and Bad Behavior
Before I forget - I loved reading everyone's thoughts on comment moderation. Another thing I wonder about is that so many of you talked about getting a lot of spam without the CM. I don't think I get any. But then I have to wonder if I'd know spam if it hit me in the eye. Oh, I'd know Spam, but maybe not spam? I suspect if I got any I'd know it. It makes me laugh and reminds me of how obsessed I was with followers for awhile until I finally moved the gadget way down out of my daily field of vision in the sidebar. Now when I happen to see it, I often have a couple new folks! Today it occurred to me that even the spammers don't bother with my blog! Just kidding...I have plenty of followers and am grateful for each one. But writing this blog helps me whether another soul sees it or not!
I'm looking forward to a new challenge that Tammy is going to start (no idea what it will entail), as I'm feeling ready and able to again make some goals (not all food and weight oriented either) and follow the guidelines of a challenge. I dropped out of Deb's Freedom Challenge because my brain was too muddy to do the updates. I haven't dropped out of Biz's 100 Days of Summer Challenge but haven't updated to her in awhile. Maybe tomorrow I will. BUT - I certainly have been keeping in mind my basic goals of minimum 30 minutes exercise 5 days a week plus eating less, with the intention of losing 10 pounds by Labor Day. I really need to get back crackin' on those major components.
My weight was 210 today - same as last time I posted it I think almost 2 weeks ago. In that time, I've been as low as 206 and as high as 211.7. Just not acceptable. I'm really tired and embarrassed by my ongoing struggle, but I can't let embarrassment keep me from being honest. The emotional component to my eating far outweighs the hunger piece. My understanding is that any eating that isn't for hunger is emotional. Karen at Waisting Time had a great post last week about the debate over emotional eating and what it really is, and she linked to a post on another blog about it that was excellent. This is where Karen's actual post and the other link can be found. The comments and discussion were excellent and enlightening.
I'd talked awhile back about trying OA again and sort of made a commitment to check out one OA meeting per week for awhile. I haven't done that yet and have HUGE resistance to it. The most convenient meeting near me is on Saturday mornings during the time when I have a long set ritual of an AA meeting and then breakfast with friends. I don't want to give that up. It's one of the highlights of my week. I can find another mtg, , but if it isn't close by and early in the evening (no later than 7), I'm not sure I'm willing. And now I seen that a lot of meetings are denoted as "A/B", meaning for anorexics and bulimics. This limits the availability of plain old compulsive overeating times. Is it arrogant to say that there is really nothing I haven't heard and don't already know about all this eating disordered stuff and addiction? If it is, I am. Oh well. Never giving up. Not "starting over" because I haven't "stopped". Don't want to be a poster child for "Don't let this happen to you!" I'm a peace-seeker. Peace With Food, that is. (I seek world peace too, believe me - but peace begins with me!)
This morning I did something I haven't done in a long time....I made coffee at home. I've gotten in the very ridiculous and expensive habit of buying coffee at a local convenience store, WaWa, (which is all over PA and now Jersey and Maryland too, I think) every single day. I get 20 oz. cup, and their coffee is GREAT. Personally I like it better the Starbucks, and it's cheaper. My cup is $1.44 each day. Not terrible until you multiply it by 365 days in a year (yes, they're open on Christmas), and it adds up. And yes - literally EVERY DAY I do this.
We're not in the greatest financial shape these days, with still one year left of a top tier private college tuition plus hubby's business having slowed down in the last 2 years curing the financial crisis (happy to say it's been picking up a lot in the last 6 months, but still) and persistent house maintenance issues...you know - everyone is struggling a bit. We also have some credit card debt that we're working hard to pay down fast, which Suze Orman would cringe at. Anyway - I'm guilty of a lot of ridiculous and unnecessary spending everyday and have been "intending" to knock it off, which you all know is different from doing it (like my intention to lose 50 pounds...).
Yesterday on Oprah, the rerun show was about families who are way more strapped financially than we are and how they are cutting costs all over the place. It was very inspiring and re-raised my consciousness which is why I made my coffee this morning and will from now on. Each day I will take the 1.44 saved and put it in a jar. This kind of goal is one I know I'll keep. Now I still might get an occasional afternoon Sbux with a friend, but limit it to a small coffee and not one of the pricey designer beverages. I'm also going to do my best to not throw food away, and to use up what's on hand before wantonly buying new stuff. Another way I carelessly throw money away that if stopped, may even help my battle of the bulge.