After my long whiny post yesterday, I admit to experiencing a bit of "post post-anxiety" . I know I can go back and edit anytime, but I already had some puffy heart comments from dear sweet blog friends expressing kindness and "keep your chin up" sentiments, so to go back and write something really perky and upbeat 7 comments in could provide a sort of schizophrenic experience for people like me who not only read the post, but then the comments already up before mine! Wow, that was an exhausting sentence to think out. It's murky territory up yonder in my cranium.
Mainly I wanted to acknowledge that I needed to whine, but much prefer the posts where I'm reporting pounds lost, miles walked, laps swum and my long-awaited arrival at perfection in all realms. Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad, and I have indeed had plenty of times where I've been able to ennumerate my progress in this weight loss arena. Admittedly not lately (other than my loss before San Antonio because I actually adhered strictly to my goals), but there will be more soon.
That reminds me of one of my wackiness items...a confession that after descending into some unplanned stupid eating last night (cookies, chips, lite string cheese, and probably more stuff than I can recall), I woke up with solid determination that today is going to be clean. And immediately the thought bubble above my head said, "But tomorrow is my birthday, and there will be cake (there damn well better be), so maybe I should wait until after that." SHUT UP HEAD. I took a figurative pin and pricked the figurative thought balloon and watched those sorry letters drain out and waft down to the floor.
Tomorrow is tomorrow. I can eat clean and sugar free today and still have cake tomorrow. Such disordered thinking still persists for me. At least I caught this faulty thought thread before it lingered long enough to install into my hard drive. The level from which these F-ed up notions generate is really deep and entrenched. A week of clean eating isn't going to erase it. And as we've all said a million times, I expect a lifetime from this moment of clean eating isn't going to either. I will always have to negoitiate the beast. As so many of you successful bloggers have assured me again and again.
Not that I have even one clean day on the books right now, given yesterday's indiscretions. Yes, I was stressed. Yes, we spent another night without AC. Yes, we have some money issues. There are a million excuses for deciding at some point in a day "to eat" (in the way I'm speaking, not 3 squares and a healthy snack), but there are no good reasons. (And let me add that I mellowed waaaay out after I had a few blond oreos...how telling is that?) I feel like living in the abject heat and humidity is making me retain even more water than the shitty eating is causing (is that possible when I'm sweating buckets hourly?), but I haven't been drinking as much water either.
Anyway, my weight this morning was 210. About where it was when I started this blog June of 2009. Can you say "ANTI-PROGRESS?" Truly anti-progress, because I was making great progress until my knees wacked out in the winter, and it's been a slow burn backwards since. And yes, that is an excuse. Thanks for pointing it out. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I have no intention of giving up. Also, there are bloggers I've followed for a long time who've struggled mightily - maybe more than me, but are now finding genuine life changing weight loss. The main one who comes to mind is Lyn at Escape From Obesity, who has found the right mix of program, exercise and attitude adjustment that has her experiencing solid steady weight loss, and she is over-the-moon pleased and excited, as well she should be.
I know I can lose weight and exercise. I do not have a metabolic condition that prevents my body from repsonding to eating less and moving more. Seeing someone like Lyn who really tried and worked hard at finding the right mix of all the components required for weight loss and fitness for years finally hit the mark (a day at a time, of course) is not only inspiring, it's hope-generating for all of us who are still fighting the fight rather than maintaining the success.
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To update yesterday's air conditioning drama...turns out the welding option for our ailing heat/cold exchange was ruled out, as I wrote yesterday. So, husband is not happy, but at peace with chunking out the extra 2800 bucks on top of the 4200. I'd gone home at lunch time yesterday and basically had a melt down about not being able to take one more hot night....(no pun intended but a cute one, yes?) and other related miseries. It was quite a performance. But spend another hot night we did. Only I'm starting to get the hang of it.
Last night upon retiring to sizzling upstairs where mere mortals dare not tread unless armed with a spritz bottle filled with icewater, I first took a cool/cold shower. Then I stood naked between 2 strategically placed fans to dry off (apologies for the scary image), put on extremely skimpy jammies - boxers and a tiny tank top (more harrowing imagery) and then laid on the clean crisp bottom sheet with the top sheet rumpled down at my feet. It was so not hot I almost needed to cover with the sheet, because the fans were on each side of the bed, set on high and directed to exactly where my body was set to languish. When hubster came up and laid next to me I lovingly said, "touch the fan and die." He left it alone, but when he turned on his side in the night, he blocked a bit of it's breeze, leaving me only to sense the fan on my own side. Being the sweet wifey, I didn't kick him or push him back over; I let him sleep. If that's not love, what is?
Well, I had much more flotsam and jetsam muddying up my mind that I was going to
And here I thought I was the only person with "post post anxiety".
ReplyDeleteIt's not anti-progress, not at all. You have learned a great deal - knowledge that you will put to good use as you continue.
Thank you Leslie! You're right, my whole life has changed. It's so worth all the struggle. And you can be VERY proud of all you have accomplished. You have maintained your weight AND you have learned so much about yourself and what you can and cannot do. Keep going, keep trying, and eventually all the little bits will come together and you will find the path that *clicks* for you, too!
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you, and you should be very proud of yourself and this blog. Something brilliant truly IS brewing!
I still sometimes experience that same thinking. Like just last week, when I was going to start my challenge on a Monday, and wondered what I should eat on Sunday "because I can't eat it beginning tomorrow." Sigh. Good for you in eating clean today. Enjoy a special birthday treat tomorrow:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the lack of A/C imagery and laughs. I probably would have refused to put on the skimpy whatever no matter what the freaking image looked like.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got the right attitude towards the rest of it: you can have your cake and eat it too, but never say die. It's all a balancing act.
Ah, memories of the second floor of an old Victorian home with no AC, and the hottest summer stretch on record for our area ( something like 20 days of 90-100 temps). Lots of showers, lots of fans, lots of as naked as the law will allow. I found that eating chilled foods at dinner plus a cold shower and the fans helped me to get some decent enough to live on sleep. Hope you can get your AC issues sorted out soon !
ReplyDeleteProgress is about focusing and redirecting. In all facets of life. Most especially after messing up.
ReplyDeleteOMG, you poor thing with no air! My husband is on blood thinners, so he never wants the air on. I get home and walk in the door and I look and its 86 degrees in the house.
ReplyDeleteFirst thing I do when I get home is put shorts and a tank top on. I start dinner, and walk into the living room, showing him my sweat stained boobs and tell him I am putting on the air! :D
Hugs!
Tomorrow is tomorrow. Great philosophy. (Happy Birthday, BTW!). I have a friend who can never quite get started with working on her weight loss because there are always special events coming up (kids' graduation, kids' weddings, visitors, vacation, birthdays . . .). I'm seeing how all the special events are becoming one big reason/excuse for not working on her plan today.
ReplyDeleteThrough all the ups and downs, hot and cold spells, you don't quit. That will pay off. You will find your own way that clicks, too.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, you kinda have, haven't you?
Hope you get AC soon,
Loretta
=^..^=
I think we ALL have post-post anxiety strikes us all. And post comment anxiety too.
ReplyDeleteNEVER underestimate the power of holding your own.
There are a lot of people out there who would very gladly be at their starting weight (instead of a hell of a lot higher).
Maintaining (even at a higher weight) is a really good thing on several levels.
I am sure a basement (even a root cellar) sounds pretty good about now.
We just had company from Arizona and I was telling them your AC story and she said when it happens out there - if you don't have a basement, you HAVE to head to a hotel (sort of to survive). They are also the people that have to have large chunks of ice delivered to be able to use their pools. It is that hot.
You had me laughing this morning already Leslie! Hope you get that new AC soon!
ReplyDeleteWe share the same birthday and I too plan on having a sweet dessert of some kind tomorrow to celebrate turning 51!
Keep your chin up dear one as you have not given up and you can achieve all of your goals. You have what it takes you just need to believe it!
Hi Leslie, I read your blog everyday and enjoy it immensely! You asked for input on e-readers and I'll tell you what I know. I received a Kindle as a gift this past Christmas and it has been positively wonderful--I feel like I could be a spokesperson for Kindle (please pay me Amazon, please...). I'm 57 years old and not a techie. I did not want to read through pages and pages to find out how to work an e-reader. I grasped the essentials of reading, navigating and ordering books in less than 15 minutes with the Kindle. I can adjust the font to accomodate my aging vision. Ordering is a snap. I usually read several books at the same time--depending on my mood I might want to read a biography or fiction--and I have my library with me wherever I go. The reader stays charged for about a week if you turn off the wireless. The only complaint I have is that it is not backlit which would make reading in poorly lit enviornments (bed) easier. I do hear that the backlit readers need to be charged frequently and contribute to insomnia but I don't know this first hand. So the bottom line? I love, love, love my Kindle. (I've read 42 books since Christmas after a profound reading drought!) Also, I love your blog!
ReplyDelete