I haven't been under a rock...

I'm not feeling the blog much at all these days, but I am reading my favorites.  I'm tired of focusing here mainly on weight and food, so I may actually change things up in the coming weeks and reformat.  There is so much more in my life than weight/food/eating, and I don't think there is an original thought to be parsed by me on the subject.  I've analyzed my addictive nature down to the atomic level.  I'm making genuine progress for now.  

That said, I do want to touch base and report that I am still logging my food and exercise on My Fitness Pal daily.  It's a great tool for me - who'd'a'thunk?  And the main thing I want to say is that I've lost 8 pounds since I began logging.  But on MFP, I have only lost 1.5 lbs because after I first entered all my data back in early September, I didn't really begin logging consistently until October sometime, and in that period of time, I managed to gain 6.5 pounds over my recorded weight, and never went back in to change it.  So until I actually lost from my original number, I didn't update my poundage.  That happened this past Sunday, and I was delighted and motivated and have been doing even better since.

I'm absolutely choosing meals and snacks according to calorie content.  For example, I developed a passionate love affair with Edy's Slow Churned Pumpkin Ice Cream that has 90 calories per 1/2 cup this fall.  But I never want that piddly amount - so I'd have 1.5 cups for 270.  But then I discovered that I could have a 6 oz carton of a Chobani flavor (strawberry is my fave) at 140 calories, top it with 2 Tbs. of Trader Joes Low Sugar Apricot Orange Spread for 60 calories - totalling 200, and I love it.  It's positively decadent, and enabled me to stop buying the ice cream.  More protein, more flavor, and 70 calories less.

It seems so simple, and yet I am steadily and slowly coming down the scale.  I'm not being perfect, but I'm doing much better than I have in a long time, and seeing the results and feeling my clothes loosening is motivating me.  I have to be careful not get into the crazy thinking of, "How can I speed this up...?", which is part of my disordered thinking around food.  It can be a fine line between "easy does it" and insanity, and I still harbor doubts as to whether this moderate approach and slow progress can continue.  As I always say,  keep it in today only, because that is the only place I can take action.

How's that for not talking about food and such?  As long as I have this blog - reformatted or not, I will update my progress from time to time.  I always feel such support and kindness from bloggers that I want to stay accountable to my core issue for which I've gotten so much help here!

Last night I saw Denzel Washington's new movie "Flight", and was crying like a baby at the end.  It's hard to watch in places, but well worth it, well done, well cast, and gripping.  A very accurate portrayal of the behaviors and egocentrism that accompany alcoholism.  Highly recommended.

Have a good weekend all - and if I don't post next week, have a Happy and love filled Thanksgiving.

Sifting out destructive thinking

Just a quick post here to say I'm still hanging in with tracking and such.  I've missed a couple of days of completing my logging from dinner and after in the last week.  No excuses, and I don't need scolding.  I know what I need to do and what is working well right now.  I'm enjoying tracking, and actually seeing how it continually impacts my choices, and also my exercise consistency.  I'm not perfect yet by any stretch, but I'm getting it slowly and surely.  I will admit that the two days I didn't complete tracking happened when I made a choice to indulge in something that would catapult me more than 300 calories over my daily allotment.  Again - I don't need scolding.  I know my BS factor kicks in and that's why I'm acknowledging it.  I want to clean this up to 100% of the time, but my overall ratio of "good" days to "less good" days has improved dramatically.  And I have certainly tracked on days when I'm over - but not too over.  I need to Sift Out the Leslie Factor (the title of my someday memoir!) in order to keep moving in the right direction.

We were extremely lucky with the storm - didn't lose power, and only lost cable for about 6 hours.  Directly across the street from us, the entire side of the street has been without power since Monday at midnight.  And it seems that the devastation at the Jersey Shore, New York, and other north east areas continues to unfold.  Prayers and thoughts to all who are coping with serious damage and vital outages.

MIA does not = Mojo Is Absent

How ridiculous is that post title??  Hahahaha - when I saw the title of my last post as I went to write today after being missing in action for a few days, my mind seized, trying to be clever.  It doesn't take much to entertain my 59 y/o addled brain.  I can't believe my chronological age, given that I'm so youthful and forward thinking...

Anyway - having not posted in no way indicates that I haven't been hanging in and enjoying that my mojo is still working!  I've now tracked 11 straight days (some kind of personal record) and only gone over my daily calorie allotments twice, once for less than 50 cals, and once for (I think) about 140.  I'm also really back in the swing of early morning exercise, though yesterday was raining and today I slept in because I got so hyped up watching the debate last night that I didn't get to sleep until after midnight.  Very rare for me these days.

I'm aware that I'm afraid to get on the scale, because I have to have lost a bit, but my expectations of how much, no matter how hard I try not to have them, can really mess with my mind.  This is a lifelong pattern, folks, and it isn't going away.  I definitely am fitting in to a couple pairs of long pants that I wouldn't have 2 months ago (didn't try then because it was too hot), so for now I'm going to trust my instincts and my self awareness and just smile at the scale each morning.  I contemplate it daily, and the thought quickens my heart rate and threads of anxiety begin to stir.  Crazy, yes.  It's part of my disordered relationship with and thinking about food and weight.

Following is a glimpse into destructive thinking patterns in myself I've known and hated:

      If I step on the scale and it says I've lost 2 pounds, I'll be majorly irritated because I think it will be more.        So it will derail me in some twisted way.  Or, if I've lost 5 pounds, it'll so inflate my sense of well being that I'll try to cut back my intake so as to hasten the process.  Of course it won't be long before I feel deprived (which I really haven't felt so far) and I'll eat an extra snack, or larger portions...which will result in me feeling guilty and disgusted with myself and then the ruinous snowballing back to bingeing is likely to ensue.  Or,  losing 5 pounds will make me think of taking a day off from tracking, choosing wisely...whatever, because "I can afford it for one day."

Yes - that is but a glimpse of the permutations and insanity that I've experienced over the years.  I know this, and I am finally accepting that I'll have these tendencies forever.  Like working with my alcoholism and finding lasting recovery, I know that getting better is possible and likely, but not if I forget who I am and what I'm dealing with having a disordered "thinker" when it comes to food and alcohol.

Well.  I intended to just say I'm still hanging in with MFP and tracking, but I guess I needed to say more!  This is a good place to be honest and get it out, so my head isn't swarming with unproductive or even destructive thoughts.  I'm feeling and optimistic.  Today.  That's enough.

Got my mojo workin'

Just a quickie...I'm still rolling along on the tracking, and I walked again this morning, though I only did 30 minutes because I went to my aa meeting too, and I have a play date this afternoon to walk with a friend, and we usually go at least 45 minutes.

I took tomorrow as a mental health day, so this is my Friday.  Woohoo!  Hubby comes home Saturday evening so I'm hoping I will keep up the morning walks without the dog, because he really can be a pill when I'm trying to bust a move.  Usually Tom runs with Wally every morning and I take him in the afternoons.  So for that alone I'm excited for his return!  I've missed him (Tom, not Waldo) - not sure I'd want to be a full time swinging single, because I'm not doing too much swinging these days, what with falling asleep by 8:30 most nights.  But I've really gotten my food and exercise act together while he was away, and I don't want to lose my mojo there.

Have a good pre-Friday all.

Who am I??

For the first time in a couple of years, I got out before daylight and did a brisk walk for 40 minutes.  Back in the (leaner) day, I got up and was out running  (jogging), about 5 days out of 7 by 5:30 am.  I was a dialed down version of Helen!  That was when the kids were little, and it was such a great time to get out.  I've always found it intoxicating to be out before the sun comes up, the traffic hasn't started, and it's possible to walk or run in the very middle of even fairly busy roads where the pavement is most level!

I'm not sure what happened, but over time I started gradually moving up the scale, and despite always staying pretty active - the early morning up and out stopped in favor of after work exercise, which was never as earnest or satisfying.  Busyness with kids played a role, though when determined, I managed to find time.  Sporadically.  Some years back, I joined a gym (just before starting this blog) and got into going straight there immediately after I got off work at 2:30.  Lost a chunk of weight that obviously I've found again a couple of times.  Then my work hours were extended to 3:30 about 18 months ago, and when I'd get to the gym, it was a whole different crowd of folks - young, uber fit...and I lost my gym mojo.

Since then I've stayed pretty steady with walking and some exercise dvds, and would consider trying to get back into an early morning schedule of some exercise.  It hasn't happened...partly because I got very involved at a 7 a.m. AA mtg that meets every morning, and more than needing it desperately to stay sober, it's been a great way to start the day with a gathering of friends meeting for a common purpose - laughing our asses off (too bad not literally!) or sharing each others' pain, peace...whatever.

However, I've stepped back from going every day because it makes my mornings kind of crazy, between getting myself ready for work so I could go straight from the meeting, which necessitated having breakfast and lunch ready to go before 6:30.  Not going to the mtg. makes my mornings so much calmer and simple, so I usually only go 2 or 3 days a week.  Enter this morning - a no meeting day.

I didn't plan to do a long aerobic walk last night, but I woke up at 4:30 - threw some veggies in the oven to roast, and got ready to take the dog out.  When we set out down the driveway, I felt extra energetic, awake, and perky(!), and thought to myself that I could actually do a longer walk than the usual.  It just unfolded that I kept making direction choices that led me away from home rather than closer, about 45 minutes later, I was quite sweaty and invigorated, and delighted with myself!

It would be awesome to think I will do this all the time now, but at least I did it today, and I feel so great that I might do it another day.  And I know it wouldn't occur to me to do this if I wasn't inching my way back to a healthier and more purposeful and focused effort at weight loss with logging my food and exercise. 

By the way - I had another totally tracked day yesterday with 200+ calories left in the bag!  I'm working at it for sure, and it feels good.

Hair affair

I had an excellent day yesterday.  Tracked every bite, came in 250 calories below daily allotment (a first), and felt good.  Why can't every day be like that?

Interestingly, one thing that helped me was looking on MFP at other people's food diaries.  I looked at about 6 different folks' for a day or so, and saw a variety of eating types and plans, but one thing I saw in all of them was that they all stayed below their daily allotments.  Now I'm sure plenty of times every person goes over, but seeing a random sampling of diaries as I did jolted me into thinking, "what the hell am I doing?"

Blogger and fellow MFP pal Tiffany has been extremely helpful since I started this tracking, helping me navigate the site and offering helpful suggestions.  In the beginning she suggested making my diary "public" as another means of being accountable and honest.  I think I'm gonna do it.  If someone else can see what I'm eating, it'll make me think twice before eating and having to log a bunch of junk or even simply bad choices.

In other news, I'm having a huge crisis...a woman's nemesis - hair drama.  I know, big whoop.  A friend I talked to this morning actually said, "Well, if that's your biggest problem, be grateful."  Puh-lease.  Of course I know this isn't on a par with world hunger or North Korean nuclear proliferation, but there's something about the status of a gal's hair that can make or break her mood at times.

Background - most of you know I stopped dying and let my hair go gray beginning last fall.  It took a long time for every bit of color to grow out, and the final result was a not too terrible color of silvery white. as can be seen here.  What is happening is that I've let it grow out just a little bit, (still quite short), and when I wear any color in the purple/lavender/lilac family, my hair takes on a purple-ish tone.  Subtle, but undeniable.  Since that beginning of my graying, I've sworn my friends to promising to tell me if it ever looks bluish or purply.  In the last couple of weeks, several times, always when I have on any shade in that family, people at work say "Oh - did you put a rinse on your hair to make it look a little purple?"  SCREAM!!!! 

Today was the icing on the cake.  I had on a lilac hued scrub top, walked into one of the classrooms, and the staff started oohing and ahhing over my hair because of it's purple "tint".  A purple haired little old lady am I! And I draw the line - I don't want that look.  Obviously I stop wearing anything in that color family.  But also, I'm going to find a good stylist or hairdresser and find out what I can do.  I can easily avoid purple, but I think I need to do something with my hair too.  It's very annoying, and a little depressing, because in the beginning I felt so good about the color my gray turned out to be.

Oh well, it isn't the end of the world, or even more than a minor blip on my otherwise fairly serene horizon.  But I'm not ready to be lumped in with the nursing home crowd yet!  Details to follow, if and when I come up with an anti-purple plan.

Monday report

I didn't post over the weekend, and the main reason is that I didn't complete my food diary on Friday.  I got through lunch and after work snack, then went out to dinner with friends and had a pasta dish, plus too much bread from the basket (arg - but it was homemade, hot and with ice cold butter), and when I tried to figure out how to log it all, I knew there was no way to be even close to accurate.  So I had about a cup of Edy's Slow Churned Pumpkin ice cream instead.  No bingeing, but I went well over my daily allotment.  I'm making no excuses - just stating fact.  And I want to add that I my lack of tracking wasn't because I went over my daily number - I've been a little over (75-100 cals) a couple days and am committed to tracking it all.  It was more the nature of what I ate at the restaurant (puttanesca, the italian bread - 3 pieces) - that I knew I couldn't come close to guesstimating, given the variety of ingredients and the olive oil that was clearly present - but God knows how much.  It really didn't serve me well to make the food choices I made that evening - but I love that dish and how it's prepared there.

Saturday and Sunday I logged every morsel again and feel solidly on track with the logging.  But as far as 21 straight days, I'm now 4 on, 1 off and 2 back on.  It occurs to me that instead of trying for 21, I'm going to try for a full week - 7 days - and hopefully move on from there.  This is much better and I'm more focused than I've been in months, so I'm not going to beat myself up.

I got in great exercise Saturday, but Sunday was a bit of a wash, as it was drizzly most of the day.  I did manage a 30 minute dog walk, but the dog was in the mood to linger over every blade of grass along the way, so I doubt it was more than a mini-bump in my metabolic activity.

Have I mentioned that Hubby has been away since last Saturday (9/29) and won't be home until this coming Saturday?  Now I usually love my bachelorette time, but 2 weeks is a bit much.  He's in Big Spring, Texas, working on a railroad development project, and when I talked to him last night he said he hoped he didn't end up having to extend his time, as they're having "issues".  One of his partners went for 2 weeks back in early September and ended up having to stay for 5!  I told Tom that had best NOT happen, and he agreed and thought it unlikely.  Funny thing is, once he's home for 24 hours or so, I'll be ready for my next round of singlehood!  Just kidding.  Not really.  Maybe a little.

Anyway, not having him there does simplify my food prep to some degree.  It's not that he requires or even requests any special fixins, but I tend to do more cooking out of a sense of wifely responsibility than when he's not there.  I made some marinated sauteed lite tofu to throw into salads and stuff - and that'll be a main protein source for my lunches this week.  Now he doesn't even like to know if there is tofu in the house - much less lurking in the fridge!

That's it for me .  Working on Day 3 (consecutive) as we speak.

4/21

Ooops - almost forgot about posting.  Logged day 4 without incident.  Stopped eating at 8 because dinner got a later start than usual due to after dinner errands.  Have a good w/e all.

3/21

Day 3 is in the can, and my last food was 1/4 cup (measured) of Trader Joe's 50% less salted roasted almonds finished at the stroke of 7:30.  I was 200 calories below my daily allotment, 120 of which was from a shortened exercise session due to rainy weather.

Interesting to note that I fell asleep before 8:30, so didn't see the debate, or even the end of what I was watching at 8.  Nor did I make any headway in the book I've barely started (A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - excited to be starting it!), but I'm okay with early to bed...  Not quite as okay with crack of dawn to rise (4 a.m.) that the early to bed yields, but I didn't eat after 7:30!  I literally don't think that has happened in years. Wow.  Atta girl!

2 of 21

Completed my food log Tuesday.  Dinner was with a friend at Panera's, and I knew what I was having thanks to their excellent nutrition calculator.  I'm 2 days into my 21 day challenge. 

As always happens when I am being careful and conscious of what I eat (and aware of calorie totals throughout the day), I'm looking for ways to shave calories.  This can be a good thing, of course, but I feel my disordered eating/thinking stirring.  I am writing it here to be honest and stay accountable.  I'm aware of trying to leave myself a whole bunch of calories going into dinner so I have "enough" to allow after dinner intake given that is my hardest time of day.  Hard to admit that, and as I write this I realize I'm enabling myself and the bad habit of evening snacking.  I don't want to do that, but I also know I can't change everything at once.  At least if I stay at or under my daily calorie allotment (thanks to this all-important tracking), I'm doing better than when I'm just eating with reckless abandon.

I'd like to say that I'm going to stop eating after 7 p.m.  That's my intention.  But it's not part of my 21 day challenge right now.  I will stay accountable with this issue as well, and hopefully will find more success gradually with the 7 p.m. cut off.

So many more wacko food thoughts I could discuss, but I will save them for another post.  One craziness at a time.  And I'm feeling guardedly optimistic for today.

Log rollin'

Hi guys - I'm humbled and delighted that Miz re-commented on my last post, saying simply, "checking on you...".  I really appreciate that, Carla.  And it never ceases to amaze me that you pop onto my blog ever, much less leave a comment.  Thanks for giving me a little nudge!

I haven't posted in a week, but things are going well.  I'm still logging my food on MFP daily, though over the weekend I didn't complete my logging.  I think I got a little bogged down with trying to accurately document what all went into a pot vegetarian chili I made Saturday, and so like any bona fide RESISTENT food fanatic/addict trying to get my act together, I just didn't do it Saturday night.  That made it easy to not do it Sunday, either.  Bad, bad, bad.  Typical.

Oh - another thing that seems strange to me about logging is that when I enter my exercise time into the diary, it immediately ups my calorie allotment for the day (according to whatever activity is logged), so I've eaten a few times more than I needed or would have had the calories not been upped because of the exercise.  I was feeling guilty about it until it dawned on me yesterday that just because I "earned" more calories for 45 minutes of fast walking, I didn't HAVE to eat more. So yesterday I was under my adjusted allotment for the day by 251 calories!  Last week when I figured out why I could eat more, I just did.  DOH!  It's nice to earn extra, but it certainly isn't a requirement to eat them.  BUT it's nice to know that if I'm really hungry (very rare), there is something available without going over my basic daily amount.

But I'm back with a vengeance, having started yesterday.  I am committing to daily for one week - no excuses, no bull sh*t.  Helen had noted in a comment when I started writing about logging on MFP that it takes 21 days to change a habit.  Yeah, yeah, thought I.  But obviously she knew of what she spoke.  The she had a great post today that referenced her earlier wisdom about the 21 days for habit change, and it jolted me right between the eyes.

I'm stating here, in front of all you grown ups, that I am going to log for 21 days.  I'll be accountable each day by posting here, even if it's only to report another day, though given my long winded-ness, it will likely be more than a one liner.  I've got one day in the can - 20 more to go.  As always...one day at a time.

Hanging in

This had to be the shortest weekend I've ever experienced and now beginning another Monday.  AARG.  Thankfully my work has been good and not as annoying and frustrating as it often is, so I take comfort in that, while I knock on wood and throw salt over my shoulder in fervent hope that I didn't just jinx my work life.  It always cycles back and forth between ridiculous and decent, so it's inevitable that at some point I'll be again lamenting "the idiots" here.  Right now they're mostly good co-workers and even a few friends.

Talk about digressing!  Mainly I just want to note that I completed my food journal through yesterday with the exception of derailing a little on Saturday to the tune of not tracking after lunch.  My eating hasn't been perfect, but it's been incredibly better and I'm making choices on a daily basis of what to eat based on my daily calorie allotment.  I may go in and fine tune some of the breakdowns of carbs, protein, fats, etc, because MFP  recommendations would have me eating over 212 grams of carbs daily and just 59 grams of protein.  Definitely not how I roll - I've dabbled with low carbing so much over the years that I tend to lower carb intake and much higher protein - UNLESS I'm in crazy binge mode and then all bets are off.

Yesterday morning I got on the scale and was surprised/delighted/motivated by seeing that I'd lost 4 pounds!  Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.....!  I really wasn't sure what to expect because I'm not noticing much difference in my clothes, except hooking bras on the next row in is comfortable, and it wasn't about a month ago.  It's a little thing, but in the comfort realm, a BIG thing.

Over the weekend I had a right calf strain that is beginning to feel better.  I didn't do anything different than usual and don't recall a twist or a torque.  I did do a pretty hilly power walk on Thursday afternoon that was about 3.5 miles and used my right leg/hip/side to try to move an occupied wheelchair I didn't realize was locked, so that was likely the source, so Saturday I didn't exercise at all, but did do my baseline 45 minute walk and was fine.  Have an after work walk planned for today as well - hopefully longer.

That's all.  I'm trying to stay accountable here for now - for myself.  I'm really loving  MFP  and feel guardedly optimistic that I can sustain the tracking.  My goal is every single day, but I can only do it one entry at a time.
Here's to a good week for us all.  I'm looking forward to reading about FitBloggin that happened this weekend!

Wheels still on

Yesterday I tracked every molecule that went into my belly, and I stayed just under my daily allotment!  Made wise choices to enable that and ate nothing after 7:30.  Striving for 7pm being the end of the affair, er eating for the day, but hubby often doesn't get home until almost 6:45 and if I'm being social I wait.  I told him last night that I want to eat by 6:30 when possible and he was fine with that.  For some reason he likes to eat dinner with me!

Why My Fitness Pal?  As I said yesterday, it is the most user friendly tracker my feeble brain has found, and it doesn't feel too full of itself.  I'm still getting to know my newest friend, but the entering of food, and particularly portion sizes, is so much easier than any other I've tried.  I'm feeling the pull to write it BEFORE I bite it (thanks Helen) and then have a couple minutes where I think that I need to catch up with what I've logged!  A mind game, but I'll take it.

What a world, where you can document this stuff anywhere, anytime!  Reason alone to have a smart phone. That, and Words With Friends, my other addiction.

Hard to believe it's Thursday already - this week has flown by.  (Yikes, did I just jinx the last 2 days of this week?)  Tonight I'm going to dinner with a friend, and I'm going to suggest Panera, where I can preview the day's soups and menu online and have it all tallied before I even get there.  I also have a power walk scheduled for right after work with another friend, so it should be a good day.

On a different note - this morning at 5:45, I checked my email and also checked to see if our son Mark (who is in the republic of Georgia) happened to be on Google chat.  I try several times daily and rarely find him there.  Today he was on, and we had a wonderful 45 minute talk.   He was talking to his girlfriend at the same time (who's in a village about an hour from his), so that's likely why he stayed on so long.  It was an amazing gift, and I learned more about his life and the country.

I'm off to eat my already logged Fage )% with strawberries - have a good day friends!

On track

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."  Will Rogers

This post is less about reporting that I'm literally "on track" with my food and fitness programs, and more about reflecting on finally tracking my food - every bite - everyday.  I'm an authority, you know...having religiously tracked for the last 2 days.  But really doing it 100% has already opened my eyes in strange, horrific, but also interesting ways, and that's what I want to reflect on here.

Brief background:  I've made lukewarm to thready attempts in the past to track everything.  A few times since starting this blog in 2009 I had brief stints with on-line tracking - most notably Spark People and Calorie Count.  I never once (in the vast 4-5 days total that I pursued these) put in everything that went into the temple.  Either I couldn't get my info into their various tracking systems accurately, or I couldn't find items in the databases, or I didn't want to own the 50 Rosemary Olive Oil Triscuits eaten at 9 pm.  (Yes. 50.)

A dozen or so times I started hand-written food journals, with pretty notebooks and flowery new pens in jewel tone inks, doing a Leslisimulation of the on line sites.  Problem:  I still had to look up calories, or carbs, or something that was as user-unfriendly as the attempted activities mentioned in paragraph 2.  And without meaningful data (even as opposed to the simple discipline of logging the food only), it became another exercise (no pun intended) in futility, and was unsustainable for my eating disordered, screwed up mind.

Fast forward to Monday, September 17, 2012 - aka the first day of the rest of my life.  (Um, isn't every day that?)  I'd already been dabbling with My Fitness Pal for awhile (only in terms of bookmarking it, adding the app to my phone, and entering in my stats and goals as they request/suggest.  I started out good  - breakfast and lunch logged in with the running totals of the big categories (calories, carbs, proteins, and most important - WHAT IS LEFT TO EAT for the rest of the day) while at work.  I'm always good at work, except when I'm not.  Usually I am.  When I'm not it's going to be a very bad (read: high intake) day.   I digress.

I let it go after getting home.  My conscious mind says I forgot about it. My Freudian mind says, "cut the bullshit, Leslie".  I didn't finish the day so don't know what my totals were or what it felt like sticking to my goal intake or a little less.  So my first paragraph claim to have tracked for 2 days was not entirely true.  1.5 days.

Yesterday the rubber met the road - almost.  There were sparks, but firm contact didn't happen until this morning when I completed yesterday's logging.  In went breakfast, lunch, after work snack.  My total indicated that left me something like 450 calories for dinner and beyond (though beyond is not a requirement - I get that but I've been going beyond a lot and know that after dinner is my toughest time so I wanted to leave some room for that possibility - though it became an eventuality yesterday).

Harumph!  Want more.  So I went back into the tools and recalculated my weekly weight loss goal from 2 pounds to 1.5 pounds.  Your daily amount is calculated according to your weight and how fast you want to lose.  (There is no option for higher than 2 pounds a week or you can bet I'd have selected it, and then been even more disgruntled over how fast my daily allotment dwindled!)  Anyway, the increased amount of calories (I think about 150) made it much more palatable - HA - another pun.

Well - I got through dinner and an after dinner snack at about my exact amount.  Well done, and done by changing a few things along the way, like having spaghetti squash instead of cauliflower rice (which has olive oil).  This was starting to feel like making smarter choices - ding ding ding!

In trying to shorten this, I will say that I ended up having a couple more "snacks" last night, telling myself to log them, even if I went over.  I couldn't bring myself to do it last night, but I did it this morning.  Eye opening, to say the least, and I was absolutely honest in amounts, if anything overestimating a bit.  It was truly startling.  I'd managed to consume almost 700 calories over my limit.  But it was there in black and white.

I feel like I am already getting the wisdom of tracking week in a way I never have.  Obviously this is a dubious start and it's unlikely I'm going to be made tracking poster girl any time soon.  But I learned a few things: 1) knowing exactly what I'm eating makes me think about it a lot more  2) watching the calories pile up (or drain from the daily allotment) enables me to make choices and I assume more responsibility and accountability for my eating  3) my disordered thinking about eating and my disordered eating are alive and well  4) if I let my guard down and decide to just "wing it", I will start an up-the-scale crawl that I know I don't want.

Today I intend to do it again, and try to leave out the after-after dinner snacks.  But at least I commit to logging them in the same day, because even that will be progress.

Long post - proceed with caution or just fly by

Okay.  I'm tired of not posting, though I'm not sure what I have to write about.  I keep commenting on others' blogs, and feel jealous that those folks have interesting comments to read!!   Last night at dinner, Hubby asked me, "What's happening with your blog?"  Um, not a whole lot, darling.  He went on to ask how I was feeding my writing jones, and it dawned on me that I wasn't, and haven't been for awhile.  And that I miss it.  This is a rare situation over which I have power!   So here I is, happy to be back in the blogging realm.

It's been an interesting summer, what with kids being home and then leaving - really leaving - for distant places.  The empty nest I've craved for so long feels too empty now.  Too quiet.  Like it's time to fill it with some grandchildren or something, but that isn't likely to happen for awhile, even though all 3 of our kids are in pretty serious and committed relationships.  No engagements or weddings yet, and while I know  marriage isn't necessarily a prerequisite for having children, we old fashioned grandparent wannabes would certainly like for our grandchildren to come along in that traditional way.  Especially hubby, who actually should have been around in the Victorian Age, where propriety and rigid moral tenets ruled the days (allegedly - I'm pretty sure a lot of fooling around went on then, too).  I digress...all 3 kids are doing fine, and I miss them like crazy.  The empty nest would be a lot better if the kids were living within a 4 hour drive said domicile.  Or even across town.  Maybe someday.

Hmmm - I'm getting overly wordy here, which makes me think it's been too long since I've sat down to just write stuff other than work related emails and such.

Our daughter is officially ex-Peace Corps Volunteer, having closed her service in mid May.  Originally we thought she'd be coming back to the states and be wherever her Dominican boyfriend ended up in MBA school.  Turns out he only applied to the very top MBA programs (he already has a Masters in Econ.), and while he got interviews at the top 3 (Wharton, Stanford and Kellogg at Northwestern), he didn't get in any this year, so will continue in his current job and apply for 2013.  This meant that the goo-goo eyed couple would have to be long distance lovers, unless...Jean decided to stay and get a job in Santo Domingo.  Which is what has happened.  She's teaching at a bi-lingual school - 3 separate AP classes.   Good grief - one AP would be daunting, but 3!  She has 2 sections of AP Lit, one English, and one US History.  I can't imagine the prep work involved, but she's pretty excited, and also able to not get too overwhelmed because she knows she'll only do this for one year, after which she and Cesar will come to the US.  I hope!  She's blissfully happy with Cesar, and we love him too.  Great guy from a great family.  Stay tuned.

Oldest son Stephen is working on his cousin's farm in Berea, Kentucky.  This is a good arrangement for him, and puts him closer than the organic farm he worked on in Northern California last year.  We're hoping that he'll decide to finish up his college degree in Berea while he's at it, but wouldn't dare say that too him!  It's great that he's with family - just keeps the ties closer.

Baby boy Mark (who turns 24 on the 30th of this month) is in the Republic of Georgia (over near Russia), teaching ESL at a public school in a small town.  His chose Georgia b/c his girlfriend who just joined the Peace Corps got sent there, and she'll be doing the same thing.  Her permanent site turns out to be less than an hour from Mark's placement, so they are able to get together fairly often.  He is the hardest one for us to connect with - we cannot talk on the phone, and his internet availability is sparse at best.  The only way we communicate is via email, and occasional Google chat - but no where near often enough.  I actually feel a visceral longing to talk to him - it's the farthest away, in every sense, any of my children have ever been, and just writing this is making me well up.  Our family is very close, and we stay in touch a good bit, so this is really hard - having one we can't access easily by some technological method!  He's doing fine - and once in awhile he posts something on Facebook, or Brittany (gf) writes a blog post and puts up pictures that include Mark.  Even she has limited internet access, despite the Peace Corps connection.

Whoa - it sounds like I'm writing a Christmas card letter!  I think I needed to document some of this stuff to sort it our in my head.  Thanks for indulging me - or just skipping this logorrhea and not judging!

I haven't been on the scale in over 2 weeks.  My too large size clothes are fitting like always.  I'm been lingering in 205-208 range which means maintaining at a place I'd rather not be.  I'm ready to get back to working on losing weight again.  I've been getting lots of exercise which has likely helped me maintain rather than gain.  Summer is usually a good time for me to drop some pounds, but this summer I'm grateful to have stayed put.  End of spring I was around 216 which is definitely the YIKES zone, so at least I've gotten that excess off and will not find it again!

That's it for now.  Hubby leaves tomorrow for a full 7 day business trip to Big Spring, Texas, speaking of the empty nest.  I usually love when he's away, but 7 days is a bit much.  However I'll survive and THRIVE, because I can keep dinners simple and without the potatoes and meat that he really likes.  I've actually gotten into tofu, and have been eating almost no animal meat (but yes to dairy and eggs), and loving that.  Have a good weekend friends!

21 Gun Salute

I've been reading and commenting, but not posting for a bit, and not missing posting too much.  Maybe it's summer, maybe my words have dried up temporarily (the written ones only, because I've still been yakkative as always!).  But today is a biggie for me that I've shared on my blog since I started it in 2009, and I'm feeling just darned good enough about myself to tell my blog buds...

Today I am celebrating 21 years of  sobriety!  Feels great.  August 5, 1991 was a very dark day for me.  I'd hit yet another embarrassing bottom with alcohol and felt lower than a snake's belly.  How could I know when I stumbled in to an AA meeting I'd started attending a couple of months before and confessed that I'd "done it again" that it was the beginning of a new life for me?  I'd tried a thousand times on my own.  I'd tried a couple times in AA.  I seriously doubted that I even wanted to stop drinking, but I knew I wanted to stop hurting, and that I wanted my life to stop being a mess.  Could it really be the booze that was dragging me down?

To this day, I don't know why then, why me, why not me....but I do know that very slowly, VERY slowly, I began to get better.  I went back to a meeting the next day - which I hadn't done before.  Why?  Hell if I know.  I (and countless other recovering friends) feel immensely grateful, truly in awe of the gift of sobriety, and quite literally like I was chosen by God for this.  Didn't deserve it, didn't even want it.

But I sure want it now.

Movin' on down the road

Hi all - Checking back in after being away for 10 days over the last week and a half.  Our trip to Atlanta was fine and I did feel as good in my own skin with the "beautiful in-laws" as I ever had.  They're great people;  I love them;  they love me and I truly believe that.  This is big progress, folks.  After blogging for just over 3 years, I can see how far I've come in self knowledge and self acceptance.  I belong to the human race AND to my family as much as anyone.  I'm not trying to convince myself of that - I believe it and I very happily and gratefully own it.

I've written many pre-Atlanta trip posts about how beautiful, smart and comprehensively attractive in every way my husband's family is and how I always have felt unworthy of being counted among their ranks.  The reality is that from my youngest days (think post-toddler capacity for very early snippets of memory) I always felt that way.  Regardless of how my feelings did or did not represent reality - I grew up believing I was unattractive (at best) and essentially different and less than the rest of humanity.  Whatever got passed out when one was born didn't get included in my life's dowry by the Great Giver of All Gifts.  Sad but true.  I'm not blaming anyone or anything - it was what it was, in my twisted little mind.

I've spent virtually all of my adolescent and adult years working on myself.  In the early days, the work was about escaping the reality of my self-applied sullied essence.  Food worked; alcohol and assorted other substances also helped my create a persona that seemed acceptable.  Profound people pleasing tendencies, right down to agreeing with everything you said so I'd be deemed okay and "a part of" rather than "apart from" was a strategy I honed to precision.  I kept the balls in the air with these tactics for a long time, but eventually the absence of a true core and any genuine knowledge of self began to unravel my self constructed facade of "normal person with a touch of edge".

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I've been in and out of therapy over the years.  Back in 1991 I began a journey I never knew I really needed (or wanted to make) by starting to go to AA meetings at the suggestion of the therapist I was currently seeing.  (Good girl people pleasers do what their therapists suggest...)  I even quit drinking after starting to go to the meetings, and my life began a real genuine glacial move towards the light.  LIGHT.  And I actually found the path that has led me to myself.

Obviously as a blogger about my less than successful weight loss endeavors, there is more to do.  My earliest coping mechanism of overeating is still deeply grooved in my neural pathways.  But I'm coming to see that caring about, knowing and loving who I am greatly increases the liklihood that I will stay the course of the journey and find the weight loss and peace with food I've long sought.  It's already happening.  The way I am right now, today, is fine.  I can get better.  I can stay the same.  But I won't backslide.  I can't do that to someone I love.

*******************************

Like others in the blogosphere, I'm feeling the need to step away for awhile.  Again.  How many times can I say the same things, wring my same hands, gnash my same teeth?  I'm not going to shut down.  But I'm not going it alone either.  If anything monumental happens, like I wake up finding myself 30 pounds lighter one day, you'll know!  For now, virtual reality is not supporting me the was real reality is.  That tells me it's a great time to investigate the real even more deeply.

Hasta luego.

What the holy crap?!?!?

My life has truly been very busy and full, which has definitely impacted my blogging.  So here I am on a Sunday morning to check in.  You'll hear why in a minute...(cliffhanger???)  My daughter has been here 2 weeks, and we've had such a good time.  No fighting between Jeannie and Mommy!  I feel like I'm on a perpetual vacation, except that pesky job I have.  Good news - I really like my job, so that's okay.  Bad news, I hate not being at home to hang out and play.  Welcome to reality, Leslie.

While Jean has been here, I've been doing tons of good vegetarian cooking, as Jean has been vegetarian for a long time.  I feel like I've been eating well, and definitely not bingeing, but also not counting any particular grams, cals, morsels in, etc.  I haven't been avoiding anything in particular, but haven't gone batshit crazy with cravings or out of control eating either.  I hadn't weighed since June 20th (my last post), and so I've been fearing weight gain, though my clothes weren't indicating that.  Finally this morning, 10 days after my last weigh in, I got on the scale, fervently praying for maintenance (at best) while fearing a substantial gain.

Guess what (and yes, this is the reason I'm posting today as I couldn't wait until tomorrow)??!!  I've lost 4 pounds in those 10 days!  I actually got off the scale and back on to see if my eyes were deceiving me.  Same thing - 203.  Then I moved the scale to a different spot...same thing.  Wow - and upon seeing that x3, I acknowledged to myself that I knew I'd been doing well and was halfway expecting a decent reading, despite my fear and trepidation of the scale beast.  I was trying to keep my expectations at zero or lower.

To say I'm delighted would be a massive understatement.  This is the lowest I've been in a loooonnnggg time - I'd have to read back through many months or longer to know when I was last this low. 

Now obviously, I've lost the pounds before - countless times.  And there is much left to do - and to lose.  But I'm still heartened and grateful and even a tiny bit proud that I've been able to find a little peace with food for the last few weeks.  I noted in my last post that summer is always a better time for weight loss for me - maybe because of how much I perspire!!!  I've gotten to a certain point in the last 3 years (192), blogging about how low I'm going to go, only to never get an ounce below that number.  I'm not cured, but this reminds and assures me that my body can lose weight when I eat less and move more.  Conversely - it can gain like a sonofabitch when I do the opposite. 

So - I'm giving myself a pat on the back, but also a stern reminder to stay in a day at a time.  A meal at a time, and an insane craving at a time.  I hope this is a springboard for continued success and progress as I seek my long coveted Peace Treaty with Food.

What's been doin'?

Where did the 10 days since I last posted go?  Life is a whirlwind right now, in good ways.  Lots going on, and lots more coming, so I'll do my best to post at least weekly to stay accountable in the food realm.

Biggest news is that our daughter Jean flew home from the Dominican Republic on Monday and will be here for about 5 weeks.  We've been having such a great time hanging out and acting like teenagers.  I actually took yesterday off from work so she and I could play...in the form of fixing an awesome frittata for breakfast, going shopping at Target, DSW and Famous Footwear, scrounging for awesome left over crock pot refried beans and more veggies for lunch, and then lying around watching HGTV all afternoon.  Heavenly.

As happens most summers, it's become easier for me to stay on track with eating.  I lost 3 pounds this past week as of this morning - weighing in at 207!  That's the lowest I've seen for awhile, and it makes me WANT TO KEEP GOING!!  I'm eating tons of veggies in many forms...roasted, sauteed, grilled, steamed, and using beans and low fat cheese as protein.  Lots of eggs, which I always combine with egg beaters to stretch out the volume without stretching out the fat.

I just read Lyn's post (at Escape From Obesity), and she said she's going to return to counting calories.  It was interesting, because that's actually what I realize I've been doing.  Not strictly, but broadly.  For one thing, when I want to eat something crappy, like kettle chips, I often won't even look at the calories per serving because I just don't want to know.  (Translate:  I want to eat it more than I want to leave it out.  In that moment.)  But I HAVE been looking lately and it's helping me decide to eat something different, or to hold off for awhile and try to distract myself from the kitchen.

This tendency of mine to avoid "the truth" of what I'm putting in my mouth became apparent when hubby and I went to Northern California last fall to visit our son.  We discovered that in almost all restaurants, the caloric contents of all foods served were right there on the menu, and they really smacked me in the face.  It definitely made it harder for me to order something that was over the top, calorically speaking.  Which was good.  Except if I really wanted something on a menu but just couldn't bring myself to order it knowing what I'd be consuming.  (Still good, but a downer to my inner binge-er.)  So I'm trying to have an awareness of calories in anything that isn't vegetables, fresh fruit, Gr. yogurt, dried beans, or lean meat.  While I haven't set a max daily C. intake, I'm definitely leaving things out I might not otherwise.  For now, it seems to be helping.  We'll see how it goes...I know better than to think, "Finally, I'm getting this!"

2 weeks from Friday, we're going to Atlanta for 10 days for vacation (a hot and steamy vacay, given Atlanta in July, right Tina and Tammy?) and to see the family.  The big news there is that Jean's very serious boyfriend, Cesar, is flying in and going to spend the whole week as well, in order to meet the whole fan-damily!  We're so excited about that, and Jean's 87 y/o grandmother is thrilled to death.  I'm totally looking forward to this experience.  How different does that sound from the last few years, long time readers?  Progress, self acceptance, and loving this family have ensued.  For now.  And I'm grateful.

Happy Hump Day.

Armed for bare

No - I didn't make an ignorant mistake on the spelling of "bear" in my title.  I'm here to talk arms - not weapons/arms, but upper extremity/arms.  You know the ones - that women of a certain age, and Heaven forbid SIZE, often find to be the bane of their existences.  Especially as the average air temperature begins its annual ascent into the nether realms of the thermometer.

The idea of bare arms causes more than just minor consternation for this blogger.  I know I'm not alone in this, but the level of my bare arm neurosis likely puts me far out from under the bell-shaped curve.  For the last few years, my upper arms have gotten softer and droopier - I hate the term bat wings, but.... yeah.  It fits.

Now I've seen relatively thin women who have that loose skin under their uppers and it's no big deal (to me), but for someone who is about 40-50 pounds overweight, (and who seems to pack on weight in the most obtuse places) the loose hanging skin is icky.  I don't particularly notice it on others, nor do I judge it in any way, but on myself, it seems like I can literally feel it from the inside.  As long as I'm wearing a top with 3/4 length sleeves or at least all the way to the elbow, I'm unaware of these extra bundles I'm carrying.  But the minute I put on a mid-upper arm length sleeve or shorter (translate:  comfortable), I feel totally uncomfortable and hyper-visible in my fatness.

For these last few years, I've firmly (or flaccidly) refused to wear any shirt that didn't have sleeves to the elbow or below.  I recall being at my youngest son's college graduation last year, sitting out in the beautiful quad in 90 degree humidity, with my 3/4 length top on.  It looked great with my capris, until about 10 minutes in when I was so sweaty that the shirt was damp.  And I was miserably hot.

So here we are again with another heat wave bearing down, and I'm back in the hell of hating some part of myself.  Well guess what?  I'm tired of it.  I'm on a mission to de-sleeve myself (or at least shorter-sleeve) when  it's hot.  I'm tired of looking for clothes and not even considering anything that isn't 3/4 length sleeved.  I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing my arms as they are and honestly believing that someone who weighs 100 pounds more than I do looks better than I do because their arms aren't as bad as mine.  I'm tired of it all, and I'm earnestly trying to find self acceptance where I am now, along with the sincere desire to get to a leaner or firmer place.  But at age 58, there's a limit to how firm I'm ever going to get again.  Accept and find peace or hate myself and find endless misery that I keep bottled up inside.

I'm done.  Or I'm trying to be done - with all that body dysmorphia.  Because I know that while I'm overweight, I'm fortunate to be 5'9", which helps a little.  I currently wear size 1x or 16s.  Occasionally an 18 depending on the manufacturer and style.  Yes these are big sizes, but they are numbers.  They don't reflect in anyway who I am, how I treat people, if I'm worthy of love - or anything else other than I could stand to lose some weight.  No one else ever condemns me or judges me for my body (that I'm aware of) - and it's simply time for me to stop.  Despite my weight(and my upper arm), I can walk 5 miles pretty easily;  I have a physically challenging (at times) job that I manage without issue, and generally I get around very well and with plenty of energy.  I'm eternally grateful for this and I intend to continue to strive to get into better shape.  But I'm OKAY just as I am.

This has been on my mind for the last few weeks, but what prompted me to write about this morning is that I noticed 3 different women at work this morning in a way I hadn't before.  All 3 are attractive, neatly groomed and well dressed, and all probably about the same level of overweight as I am.  And All 3 happen to be wearing sleeveless tops (one a dress), and they all have big arms.  BIG arms.  And they look fine.  Just people among people.

That's what I want to be.  I already am that, but I have to take the intellectually certainty and allow it into my heart so that I can move that much closer to joining the human race and just being another bozo on the bus; another grain of sand of the beautiful beach.  This is the biggest inside job ahead of me, but I'm determined to bring that knowledge of my okay-ness into my essence.  And I'll be doing lots of wall push-ups while I'm working on it!

Still alive and kicking

It's been awhile!  I have so much going on that to even try to recount it here would not do justice to any of it.  I'm still reading blogs, but despite having so much going on, I don't feel I have much of interest to say!  Weird.  So I'm just checking in to say I'm alive and well and maintaining around 209 right now.  Not good, but better than I've been.  I haven't had any binges for several weeks and I'm thrilled about that.  (Hope I'm not jinxing myself by writing it!)

As a quick follow up, Mark made it to his destination of Tblisi, Georgia, and is just now settling into his small town that is pretty close to the Black Sea.  He had some interesting travel experiences in Istanbul airport, where he discovered that his airline was on strike, thus angering many humans of all different nationalities.  He said it was like bunches of wild animals at the ticketing area where he had to get his flight rebooked because his plane from New York arrived 2 hours after his connection left.  Sounds harrowing, and I'm glad I knew nothing of it until he sent us the "proof of life" email assuring us he'd arrived at his final destination.

The daughter in the Peace Corps who is supposedly coming home on June 18th still is coming home, but it may be temporary as she's applied for a couple of jobs in the Dominican Republic.  Wha??????????  I could try to explain it all, but it would cause disinterested 3rd parties to glaze over quickly, so I'll spare you.  Suffice to say that there is never a dull moment in the realm of adult kids!

I just don't have the ooomph to write much more as words are often so inadequate to recount the vividness and essence of the day to day experiences.  I'm really trying to knock off 4 more pounds in the next 2 weeks - it won't change the world but it'll put me solidly back in 14s and able to wear a shitload of clothes that are just a little too snug right now.  A girl's gotta be able to breathe, you know?

I'll be checking back in soon.

Young man at large

I'll be brief here for now, just to check back in with my blog friends after the long holiday weekend.  Hopefully I will be able to do a better recap of the weekend and my food progress tomorrow.  It was a wonderful weekend.  I spent much of Friday just hanging out with our youngest, as planned, before he settled into full on preparation for his trip.  Many laughs, and even better...some serious conversation too.  And here I go getting misty eyed - again!

Thank you all for your kind comments after my last post about our son Mark leaving to go to the Republic of Georgia.  He actually left yesterday for this adventure, midst tears (mine), jokes (his, hubby's, brother's, and mine) and excitement.  He flew from Philly to JFK yesterday afternoon, and was going to be on a "red eye" flight from JFK to Istanbul at 9 p.m. last night.  It was to be a 10 hour flight, and Mark felt certain he wouldn't be able to sleep, given his very long legs and seating placement in the center of the tourist section.  Imagine his agency not purchasing Business Class tickets for these 20-somethings!  His biggest concern was hoping he wouldn't have to use the plane for the more solid aspect of human elimination, which cracked me up.  (I tried to make that sentence not too gross!)  Claustrophobe that I am, any kind of human elimination on a plane is unwelcome, but beyond a point, the body's gotta do what it's gotta do.  Or poo.  No pun intended.

Anyway - I'm not sure what time his flight from Istanbul to Tblisi, the capital of Georgia, was, but I'm thinking he's probably there by now.  Or not.   And that is what is so hard as a parent right now...not knowing where in the world is Mark Erickson!  Once we actually get an email and know he's on solid ground and been given a phone, it'll feel better, I think.  Right now it's as though he's out in the ether somewhere and I have no ability, in any way, to know anything about what's up.  Been through this with kids before and it'sreally not so bad.  Just strange, when you consider that you used to control at least some aspects of their experiences.  At least when they were babies!  HA!  As I learned in AA, any idea that I have control over anything but myself is pure illusion.  But the awareness of it right now just feels odd.

I'll check back in tomorrow and report on some good vegetarian dishes I made over the weekend to remind Mark what a nice place home is!!  In the meantime, starting a 4 day week beats the heck out of starting a 5 day one!

Happy trails to the baby

Very quick post to update couple of things...I did go to the work-related dinner and did fine.  The food was good and I didn't overdo at all.  I couldn't eat the salad because if was swimming in vinaigrette dsg - bummer.  Salad dsg is one of the few things I never struggle with because no matter how good it is, I only like about 2 tsp  max.  More than that and the salad is too wet, or worse - vinegary.  Anyway, the dessert was about a 1/3 of a cup of raspberry sorbet, which I did eat and felt not one drop of guilt.  It was okay, but I'm not gonna lie...cheesecake would have been nice!  Hard to resist, but better than half melted sorbet.

The other news is the our youngest son finally got all of his dates and flight information, and he is leaving this coming Monday, Memorial Day.  He's pretty excited.  I'm pretty nervous and torqued up, but really happy for him.  It's just such a long way away - much farther than the Dominican Republic where his sister has been, and even farther than Buenos Aires, where this same son spent 1/2 of his junior year in college.  On my flat world map in my office, it's 6 inches from Philly to Buenos Aires, and 7 1/2 to the center of the Georgia Republic.  Don't know how that translates in miles, but it will be the farthest I've ever been from a child to whom I gave birth!

Besides being ready to get on with his and this great experience, I think he's totally ready to be away from home, and the 'rents.  We have a great relationship, but 23 year olds get testy when their mommies and daddies try to offer life suggestions and advice.  I'm sure many of you know this all too well!  He's also ready to be closer to his girlfriend, who has been in Georgia since early May, training with the Peace Corps.

So with Mark's imminent departure, the time until he leaves is all about him.  He's a vegetarian, so I'm already on cooking detail, having made a scrumptious vegetarian lasagna last night.  We'll do a dinner out between now and then (if he wants - he told me he really wants to see me slaving in the kitchen!), and I'll make his favorite carrot cake tomorrow.  I took Friday off after finding out he's leaving Monday, so I can hover and annoy him, and take him to lunch and generally soak up his essence.  We're so lucky with our kids, and while I'm ready to be an empty nester, I miss them like crazy when they're gone.  And this will be REALLY gone.  And no, he hasn't started packing yet!

Our older son is waiting to get word that he's starting on a job in Big Spring, Texas, working on a railroad that my husband and business partners are engineering, no pun intended.  He isn't sure exactly when he'll be going, but it will be in the next 2 months.  And like baby brother, this guy is also ready to move on to his next thing.  I'm not sure there is much going on in this place in Texas, but he'll make some good money, and hopefully figure out that he's ready to finish college.  This son left college after 2 1/2 years because he really wasn't feeling it.  He's stayed employed and done great stuff since, but of course his dad and I are hoping that he'll finish his degree eventually.  He's very easy going, affable and not moody at all - unlike certain other family members who shall remain nameless!  Yes, me.  And Mark.  And Jean.  This son is like his dad in temperament!  What a mixed bag we are :)

Well - more ramblings about my family, and not much about eating less and moving more.  I'm still plugging away with that stuff - never will give up on the doable dream of fitness and leanness.  Have a good holiday weekend all - the unofficial start of summer is here!

An unexpectedly delicious salad

I wasn't planning to post today, but as I sit here eating a salad that is stupendous tasting, I thought I needed to share it.

I was out of regular leaf lettuce today and so I used a mix of baby spinach and arugula, 3 scallions, about a 1/4 cup sliced black olives, and 1/3 of an avocado.  The only dsg I used was 1 scant Tbs. of olive oil, and some salt.  To quote Biz, Holy Shizz (sp?)!  This is a wonderful simple mix that took no time to assemble, (avocado added at work just before the olive oil), and the flavor is amazing.  Must be the extra fresh arugula!  Took a picture that in no way conveys the deliciousness of the mix, and is crappy because it's from my iphone:

By the way - I do have cottage cheese and cooked veggies to go with the salad.  This salad combo will be a staple for awhile, until I get sick of it!

And another picture of my precious Grandson Wally:

That's it from me.  Oh - tonight I have a "Members Dinner" for the place I work.  The dinner will be at a local country club where I'm sure that the banquet food will be entirely ho-hum.  But because it's a work function, I'm anticipating the possibility of some emotional eating rearing its ugly head, so am striving to be on guard and just let the emotions enter and watch where they go and how they make me feel.  Crap dessert won't change the impact of any feelings I don't want to deal with, so hopefully I won't go there.  Who knows?  Maybe it'll be fresh fruit or something not awful, though I doubt it.

Oh - one more thing I might as well say while I'm posting...I talked yesterday about some big transitions happening in our family coming up.  Besides the daughter coming home in June, my youngest son is waiting daily to hear when he will be leaving to spend a year in the Republic of Georgia, where he'll be teaching English as a second language.  He knows he will be in Georgia by June 1, but has not yet received his official date of departure or his airline arrangements.  We're about 9 days from June...do you think they could let him know when he's leaving?  Or at least let ME know?  Gheesh!  He was told he might not get his info till 5 days before.  My daughter, with her Peace Corps experience, quipped, "Well, that sounds like a 3rd world government to me!"  Haha.

The boys and I were hanging out in the den over the weekend, and I asked Mark if he didn't think it would be a good idea to start packing.  Well, both sons looked at me like I'd suggested they drive metal stakes into their eye sockets and said, "Why?"  I suggested that he could find out he was leaving in 2 days, and he answered with, "well then, I'd pack tomorrow night."  For a year.  In Georgia, on the Black Sea.  A half a world away.  Oh well, what do I know?

Next post I'll report on the middle child/oldest son and his upcoming transition.  It's all enough to make my head spin.

Monday musings

My weight this morning was 213.8 - which is 1.2 lbs down from last Monday's weight.  I'm satisfied with that, given that I was not sticking to the pretty stringent food plan I'd written out a couple of posts ago, which I'll talk about in a minute.  I got a lot of exercise this weekend in the form of gardening, mowing, and 2 long walks.  In anticipation of a forecasted rainy week ahead, I rummaged around and found two good work out dvds for after work if it's raining.  I have a Pilates vid I've done inconsistently over the months, but the two others are cardio workouts.  One is by The Biggest Loser, and the other a Leslie Sansone walking one.

The reason I've eased back from the strict food plan I wrote about is that it turns out I'm totally out of the oatmeal mode.  My daily breakfast was to be 1/2 cup oatmeal, a cup of plain yogurt and a fruit - everyday until further notice.  I ate oatmeal for months at a time, every day, and continued to enjoy it plain.  But in the last 10 days, the 3 times I fixed it, I didn't want it and couldn't finish it because it just didn't taste good.  I can't jazz it up with all kinds of binge inducing extras like other bloggers, so it was tasting and going down like cement.  So breakfast had to change.  The yogurt is always a go for me - now that Greek yogurt is on the menu, I never get tired of it.

What I've changed is that I either have 2 eggs with veggies along with the yogurt and fruit, or a cup of plain cheerios.  The cheerios taste great and have never (as yet) catapulted me into binge mode.  Other cereals absolutely could.

The other change I mentioned the other day is that I'm not doing 2 salads daily either.  I love one - 2 is overkill and unappealing.  Probably because the one I have at lunch is BIG.  Poor hubby - he loves salad every night and I'm just not on board.  Lucky for him he's an excellent salad maker, and fines chopping, slicing and dicing therapeutic.  I wish his food prep expertise extended beyond raw vegetables, but alas, tis not so.  He did dinner Saturday night and cooked hamburgers that were pretty dried out and tasteless.  I didn't complain, though, because it was more than I was in the mood to do.

So I'm jumping on the bandwagon and starting to read the first Shades of Grey.  Anyone read it?  A friend at work described it as compelling and smutty.  It's definitely not my usual genre of choice, but I'm curious about all the hype.

Big family transitions are just ahead - our daughter who's been in the Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic for over 3 years is finally closing her service and will be home June 18th.  She'll be with us for awhile, and then I suspect she'll end up in Atlanta where we have a lot of family.  She's looking for jobs in Philly and Atlanta, so a lot will depend on where she finds work.  Another complicating factor is that she now has a pretty serious Dominican boyfriend, and they are already trying to figure out what's next.  He's on the the waitlist to get into an MBA program at Northwestern in Chicago (he already has a Masters in Econ but wants the business piece too), so if he actually gets in this summer, that will likely change her plans.  Stay tuned.

More news on the "sons" front, but it's time for me to pass medications - so off to work I go.  Happy Monday, all.   I'd sure like to get that scale back to 210 by next Monday, and I'm going to try.

Still hanging on and in

True confession:  I got rid of that chocolate my son brought me that I mentioned in the last post, but that's not what I'm confessing.  I took a knife and cut off a tiny piece to just taste it (didn't put it in my mouth until after I pushed the rest down into wet garbage to be on the safe side), and it was flavorless.  It basically tasted like wax.  What a waste that would have been, yet in another frame of mind, I would have inhaled it and all it's tasteless sugar, fat and calories, and not even noticed that it wasn't good.  Yay me, for once!

I'm still doing well - sticking with the modified food plan of only one big salad a day at lunch time, and yesterday I substituted the yogurt in the morning with 2 eggs scrambled with onion and asparagus.  It was raining the last 2 afternoons so I didn't walk.  Today I have a dentist to begin the process of having a 15 year old crown replaced, so I won't get home til close to 6.  Tomorrow is the appointment with my primary doc that I put off for so long due to fear and trembling over my weight and blood work.  I'll get the slip for the blood work at tomorrow's visit and hope to go Friday morning to get it drawn.  I'm just doing it even though I don't want to.  You know, like a grown up.

Lots of big stuff coming up for the family with transitions of kids from one place to another.  I'll talk about it all more tomorrow.  But I wanted to check in and say I'm actually hanging in there for now.  I just keep picturing that horrific scale reading last week and that seems to keep me on the straight and narrow.  I know that won't work forever, but I'm grateful it's working for now.  Happy hump day, everyone.

Crazy Monday

Once again I had a longer post in mind, but my work day started out with a bang and has kept on banging Since!  Things are starting to calm down so I'll try to knock out a fast few words here and an update.

This morning I got on the scale and was 215.  Terrible, but a whole lot better than the 219.2 I was on Thursday.  I did eat according the to the plan I used in that Thursday post on Thursday and Friday.  Over the weekend, I didn't adhere to it exactly but did keep my eating in check and entirely sane.  No bingeing at all.  One thing I was reminded of by Friday night was that when I eat 2 huge salads a day, I seem to experience some intestinal disquiet (holy CRAP!...pun intended), so I'm modifying the plan back to 1 big salad a day and substituting a starch at dinner time with the cooked vegetables (over the weekend in was 3/4 cup of brown rice last night night and a small sweet potato Saturday.  Plus the 6 oz (or more) of steamed vegetables.  When I did this plan several years ago, I didn't put it together until I actually scheduled a doctor's appointment about the GI symptom, and when she heard the amount of salad I was eating suggested that I cut back.  HAH!  Asking to cut back on salad...that's a first.  Things have normalized again with the change.

I also got a lot of exercise each day, and these changes have been helping me sleep better.  Overall, I'm feeling much better and hopeful that I can keep this up a day at a time.

Mothers' Day was something of a non-event in our house, because hubby has been gone since last Tuesday, and doesn't get home until late tomorrow night.  Younger son went to NYC to visit some college friends, and older son worked some extra time and had some other stuff going on.  He and I did have a nice breakfast together yesterday morning that also varied from the plan but was fine in that it was an omelet with onions, asparagus and a smidgen of low fat swiss cheese.

In a way it was fine that it worked out this way, because it gave me the opportunity to not have to navigate restaurant food at all.  Hubby wants to do a Mothers' Day dinner out after he gets home later in the week - we'll see.  Oh - and the son who went to New York brought me a beautiful chocolate "plaque" from some fancy place that said Happy Mothers' Day.  I set it aside - wasn't tempted, but probably I should pass it on to another household, as when I get into an emotional tizzie about something, it could very likely be a go-to option.

That's it for today.  Better continues.  I just have to keep it one day at a time.  Easier said than done, but doable.

Better

Hi everyone - Thanks for the kind support blog friends are so wonderful about.  This will be pretty short because I haven't had lunch yet - at 1:20, and I still have some meds to give at work as well.  I was going to post longer this morning, but little things kept pulling me away from the keyboard.

First - I stayed exactly on plan yesterday.  3 meals comprised of the categories I wrote out.  I did have one diet coke, and gobs of water.  Also got in a long walk.  I was up about 6 times in the night (not kidding!) to pee - so I expect at least a drop or two of that awful weight yesterday (no pun...) was water.  But no excuses - weight is weight.  Bingeing is bingeing, whether I call non-stop eating throughout the day grazing or anything else.  Yesterday by the time lunch rolled around, I was empty stomach hungry.  Same with dinner.  A familiar old feeling I haven't experienced in a long time.

I am going to start doing a 4th step about food and eating.  I'll talk more about that process in another post - but it's one of the 12 steps that is really important in terms of facing the truth about oneself and trying to gain perspective and understanding about the nature of our struggles and disconnects.  I did one years ago as part of AA recovery, but food is the behemoth now, and if I want to find recovery from overeating, it's clear I need to use tools that helped me find recovery, and peace, from food related issues.

I'm on track today so far.  I intend to see this day through as cleanly as I was able to get through yesterday.  The horror of the scale seemed to stave off any food thoughts or cravings, but I know all too well how quickly that can pass, and it gets harder to sit through food desires.

I'm going to close with a few pics from my front yard garden that has been gloriously in bloom this last couple of weeks.  I plan to touch base in the blog each day to report my previous day's success, or lack thereof.  Hopefully I can continue the rigorous honesty that it took to admit my weight yesterday.  Have a good weekend, all, and Happy Mothers' Day!!!

And my first grandchild:

Bye!

So sick and tired of being sick and tired

I'm going to try a pretty modified food plan for a few days, starting today.  I'm going to write about it in a sec, but wanted to come clean (God knows my food hasn't been) first.  Turns out my triumphant "no, thank you," that I wrote about on Tuesday did not immunize me from overeating later in the day.  I thought it might, but as any food addict knows, one tiny step for the woman does not equal a giant leap in the battle against bingeing for humankind.

Here it is:  It's been a bad couple of weeks, and on Tuesday was determined to have a clean food day from start to finish.  Not having the cake and ice cream was great.  I didn't feel particularly deprived.  After I got home I wasn't able to do a long walk because we were in the midst of several days of rain.  Now I could have done any number of the aerobic walking and/or Pilates videos I have, but didn't.  Food thoughts started wafting in, and I was able to identify I wasn't physically hungry.  But I ate a "safe" and "not terrible" snack, and that just opened the flood gates.

You've read this from me before.  I'm sorry to repeat myself, so will do my best not to.  The details aren't important, but I sort of grazed the rest of the evening.  Relatively little junk, but calorie/fat dense stuff like nuts and cheese.  I think butter may have been involved.

Yesterday I was all determined and intentional about eating.  That lasted until about 9:30 am when some very annoying and difficult stuff went down at work that I had to get heavily (no pun intended) involved in, and as the  situation started to settle, my emotions were varying between anger, extreme frustration, resentment, and on to rage.  I maintained my professionalism by keeping it to myself mostly, but the thought came that I wanted to eat to feel better.  I saw it for what it was and did it anyway.  My thought to self and pronouncement to a couple of work friends, "I'm in a mood here."  (So much for not repeating myself as I promised above.)

I've had sporadic days for the aforementioned couple of weeks.  Some pretty good but still containing more food than I was hungry for, and many bad choices.  Other days worse.  With little exercising except for the weekends due to busy-ness laziness.  I knew I was sucking wind, and emotionally spent over any number of NOT catastrophic things.  A major key in all this is not having weighed since (just looked back over my posts to even know when) April 27 when I was "maintaining" at 210.

This morning I got on the scale and it was bad.  I guess I should just fess up and say it was 219.2.  That is no lie.  I wasn't going to add the .2, but there I go again with dishonesty.  I was not surprised, but I was very upset.  I can't keep doing this to myself, yet I do.

When I wrote that 12 step post the other day, it was in part due to wondering if going back is what I need and fervently not wanting to re-enter that arena.  I know the nature of my eating disorder qualifies me as a food addict.  For sure.  Can I do this alone?  I want to think I can, but that may be denial.  I think it is.

While I cogitate all the above, I'm going to return to the food plan given to me by my joyless FAA sponsor when I did that program a few years back.  It works, and I'll write it out here in a minute.  One thing I hated about the program was that each person's food plan was different, according to what their sponsor gave them to eat.  Obviously there were certain taboos - sugar, white flour, wheat products - I don't know what else.  But one person might get one fruit a day (me) and another (of equal or higher weight, btw) might get 3.  Kind of weird.

The broad plan is below.  I'm going to do it today.  To the letter.  I will post tomorrow whether I stayed on it or not.

B:  1 cup plain low fat or non-fat yogurt; 1/2 cup (uncooked oatmeal); 1 fruit (or 1 cup of berries, excluding cherries or bananas).  Artificial sweetener okay, limited to 2 packets, if necessary.  I used and will use Splenda because for now, with plain Greek yogurt, it's necessary.

L:  4 ounces plain lean protein (any beef, poultry, fish, pork) that is baked, dry broiled grilled, roasted; 6 ounces cooked vegetable with no added butter, sauce, or anything - preferably steamed, or if frozen then simply cooked in small amount of water; 8 ounces salad (veggies only, no olives, avocado, etc...) 1 TBS olive oil.

D:  Same as lunch.  Exactly.   Free items include mustard, vinegars, fresh or dried herbs.  No dried beans, grains of any kind (other than morning oatmeal).  When I asked her if there would be brown rice and beans in my future, she said, "not anytime soon".

This is it - obviously one loses weight on this.  When I did this, my sponsor told me that any variation required a phone call to "discuss" and get approved.  For instance, if I was out of plain yogurt, I had to call for her to tell me a substitute that was acceptable - in the case of yogurt, 2 eggs cooked in no oil or butter of any kind.  I won't be doing this kind of phone call stuff, obviously, and it was this approach that helped me to hate both that sponsor and the 12 step program and rendered it unsustainable.  However, I think the basic food plan is sound for a start, if for nothing else than as a detox.  I can keep track of what goes in much more easily that with WW or other plans.  For the short haul only.  In fact, just for today.

Oh- I forgot to add that liquids are water, coffee black (not happening for me - skim or 1% milk "necessary"), tea.  Diet soda and diet drinks (Crystal light) discouraged not prohibited.  It's funny that when my food is in check, I have no desire for carb. diet drinks, and I never drink real soda.

Obviously this is rigid.  But I know I need some thoroughly clean eating for a few days.  I will stay honest and accountable here while I do this, and I'll be talking to my AA sponsor who's done the food stuff many moons ago.  And BTW - I'm interested in opinions on the food plan itself if you have one and have the time to comment.

Talk to you tomorrow.

No, thank you

I'm back to work today after taking vacation days on Friday and Monday, thus giving me the coveted 4 day weekend.  I had no plans but knew I needed a little mental health respite from work.  It was great - I hung out with hubby on Friday morning, then lunch with a friend.  The whole 4 days were unstructured but with enough of the usual and pleasant aspects of my life incorporated to ease me back to my usual (mostly) grounded self.  I was actually looking forward to getting back to work!  Now that proves some solid rest, relaxation and renewal happened!

Upon returning, I remembered that today is the birthday of my very favorite client here, a dear now 46 y/o names Mary Agnes.  She's no bigger than a minute with a bright face, great red hair, and an infectious laugh.  She's non-verbal, but in her 46 years, she's become quite good at conveying her needs and wants without having to use words.

Anyhoo, her sister had planned a birthday party for Mary in the gym, and most of the staff and some of the other consumers were invited.  Having forgotten, I brought a jumbo salad for lunch, as well as a Chobani Strawberry for dessert.  As soon as I got here, I remembered the party and the voices in my head started chattering about what I'd do about the inevitable ice cream and cake.  I'm not kidding, I was in constant mind flux over "yes I will" or "no I won't", regarding my participation in the traditional birthday foods.  It was as if a board meeting was going on in my head.

When the time came and I was sitting in the gym with everyone, eating my salad, I was offered cake and ice cream.  Guess what I said???..."no, thank you."  "Are you sure?"  Yep, I was sure.  The cake combo was proffered 3 other times before the party was over, and my answer stayed the same.  And now I'm so glad.

During the mental voice confab in my head this morning, I reflected on the fact that if I had the cake and ice cream - no matter how much or how little, I'd want more.  I wouldn't have more because I wouldn't want to seem greedy and piggish in front of all the folks.  But I always want more, no matter how much or how little...see above.  And it would only be a matter of time before I'd get "more" of something - either later at work, or when I get home.  That's how it is with me.

So I successfully dodged the first food bullet of the day, and that increases my chances of dodging the next one that comes along, whenever it does.  And it will.  It doesn't have to be a party.  I can't count the number of parties for one I've had in my life.

As I type this, I'm enjoying my Chobani, which wouldn't be the least bit enticing had I had heavily iced birthday cake and ice cream.  But because I left that stuff out, the yogurt tastes like a decadent treat.  Imagine that!

A 12 step apologetic

I've been doing some thinking since Monday about the nature of food addiction.  Actually it's always on my mind at some level, but Monday I read Karen's post that included her review of Diane Carbonell's  just published book, 150 Pounds Gone Forever, as well as a very good series of questions that Karen posed to Diane about the weight loss process.  I was really struck by Diane's answers to questions, and how she was able to slowly but surely drop so much weight without a rigid program with rules, sponsors, etc.

I guess my mind gets twitching because I've done 12 step food programs a few times, and every now and then I think I should try to go back.  Except.

First of all, I will say that when I attended 12 step food programs, I lost weight.  Because I stopped overeating.  Not because of loving support, working the steps, following a magic food plan.  Simply because I stopped what I was doing that made me gain weight in the first place.  Guarantee that works every time, unless one has a medical condition or a biochemical imbalance that prevents one's body from responding to eating less while moving more.  Truly no magic. Support, yes; but in a way that always felt a little barbed to me.  I acknowledge that the barbed edge I felt was likely in my head, but I've experienced it every time I've tried the 12 step food meetings.  As long as I was following the plan to the letter, all was okay.  But if I even asked about adding in another fruit a day (for example), I felt the vapors of judgement and frustrated sadness from the sponsor du jour.

I've never felt at home or even really honest in either Overeaters Anonymous or Food Addicts in Recovery, which is 12 step based and very regimented about their requirements for what they consider abstinence.  Not feeling at home is one thing.  It took awhile for me to feel at home in AA, but once I did, a few months in, I've always had a safe haven at any AA meeting.  I never felt (or feel) judged in the AA rooms - to the contrary, I've always been aware of fellow recovering alcoholics reaching out to give to me, and all who come into the fellowship, what they have found as they worked the program.

But not feeling honest is a different thing altogether.  Especially given what I've come to KNOW from AA.  Honesty with oneself and others is vital.  Yet each time I'd get going for several weeks or months in an anonymous food program, I'd be thinking the whole time that I had no desire to have what the other members had, other than the ones who'd lost weight and improved their health.  I didn't want a requirement of making 3 phone calls a day to different members, to have to call a sponsor every day at a certain time to talk about feelings, to have to attend at least 3 meetings each week or else "lose my clean time", or to someday have 10 years worth of every tracked day written down stored away in a closet (to name a few).  And also, I don't want to have a goal (or a prayed for desire) to never eat a piece of cake or some other treat again.  But I could not say that to anyone in those programs without being met with looks of shock and dismay.

So all that I've written is background for where I'm going with on this thought train.  Reading Diane's answers to Karen's questions (and hopefully I'll read D's book shortly), I started thinking about what is different about Diane and me, that she was able to get a grip and begin a steady forward moving journey to leanness and fitness without a rigid program telling her what was okay to eat and what wasn't.  Then I thought, "Well, maybe Diane isn't/wasn't a food addict", but it seems that any of us who get into the upper 200s and beyond in the weight realm probably have more than an occasional bad food choice driving our eating habits.

I don't know - I think I might actually email Diane and ask her her thoughts on this.  Because when asked if there any foods that Diane simply avoided, she named Snickers, Goldfish Crackers and Oreos, as they still had the power to induce her to overeat.  Besides those three, other treats occasionally find their way into her diet.  And this is where my inability to be truly honest, and I said a couple of paragraphs up, manifest.

I'm not sure if this is making any sense...I sometimes think I must have been humiliated or shamed in the food fellowships.  My experiences in them - 3 separate times where I really stuck with them for several months, always felt like temporary respite.  I had no desire to stay there.  Maybe I just encountered the wrong people - I know they exist in AA, so why not in one of AA's spawns?  But the nature of the rigidity of food programs felt very dysfunctional and uncomfortable to me, and other than weight loss, I don't want what they have.  And I'm convinced I can find weight loss and fitness without having to attend their meetings.  I can use what I learned there, as well as what I always get from AA, and navigate this damn twisty turny bumpy HARD road.