Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Acute withdrawal

I'm in a mood today...irritable and grouchy. I'm not sure why, but I think I'm experiencing scale withdrawal. I've been true to my vow to only weigh on Fridays, at least until I go to the Dominican Republic in early November, after which I'm hoping to go to weighing once a month. But as I write that, and knowing the big Food Holidays will be upon us once I return from said trip, maybe it's unrealistic to plan to go cold turkey on the scale. But that is over a month away, so I need not worry about it now, right?

Anyhoo, I haven't weighed since last Friday, and while I haven't been perfect with food, I've been doing pretty well, and have 2 totally clean days behind me, plus lots of good exercise. So naturally I want to know my scale number. AAAggghhhh! Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery. At least a lobotomy, for heaven's sake. Why do I need to know the number? To make me feel better? To tell me I'm a good person? To assure me I've been a good girl? I know my food has been good. I know my exercise has been solid and consistent. Isn't that really all I need to know as I travel this road to increased health and wellness?

So I'm ponderinging what else is going on in my wittle bwain this morning that may be at the core of my discontent...and I don't have to go to far back to see how I got off on the wrong foot in the attitude department today. I woke up at 6:30, which for me is the equivalent of a teenager sleeping til noon. I'm an early riser and a morning person; and I always have been, even when I was a teenager. Normally I get up around 5, watch a bit of news, then shower, dress, get lunch together and head out at 6:30 to go to a 7 a.m. AA meeting I've attended for years. From the meeting (over at 8), I drive the ten minutes to work, where I need to show up by 8:30 though I'm often early.

Upon my late awakening, I said to myself, "I'm not going to the meeting, so I can chill awhile...". This mindset lasted about 30 seconds, when I sprang up, threw on work clothes (I'd showered last night) brushed the teeth, and dashed out the door to make the meeting. (note, no lunch, no breakfast, no nothin') Well, there's some drama going on about where our meeting is held because it's in a borough hall above a police station that is funded by the state government, or should I say, used to be better funded. As of this week, things are all screwed up, and now the only access to the room is via an elevator, which if you read my Honest Scrap list you know is my phobia. You can come down stairs once you're up, but the door to the stairs from outside was locked today. (BTW, it is one measly flight up.) $%*&#! So I shakily rode up with a brave friend, and then found that the person speaking at the meeting was a total blowhard who I had no desire to hear, and thought to self, "Should have stayed home". But I sat down, shut up, and listened. As soon as his talk was over, I left in order to run home and make the all important lunch and generally get my sh*t together. During the 30 minutes I stayed at the meeting, a good friend came in who was visibly upset about something, and another gal sitting next to me walked out when the first friend left crying (which I didn't see), and they never returned, so I assumed they were talking. That played with my head. "She's my friend, wah wah wah! I know her better, wah wah wah! I should be with her, wah.." You get it; now I've reverted to a jealous preteen mentality.

When I got home, I threw together a good lunch from the cooking frenzy of Sunday, and came to work. Once here, I've settled down a bit, but I find myself thinking about wanting or needing something I don't have, but I don't have a clue what it is. In AA they call it "restless, irritable and discontent". Very apt description. So I made my rounds, ate my breakfast, and took a little time to write this all down so maybe I can change my day around from this moment on. I always feel better when I empty the brain of messy contents, and that seems to be the case now.

Interesting to note that when I get jammed up in my mind, I start to have compulsive thoughts; today it's about wanting to weigh, but often it's about wanting to eat. And that could come later, but I want to stop giving in to those compulsive thoughts, because I'm only perpetuating them every time I cave in. Like a whiny toddler who works your nerves wanting something, my thoughts start working my nerves, and to silence the thoughts, I eat, or weigh (after which I often eat).

Dueling voices of healthy Leslie versus food addict Leslie...the one who wins is the one I feed. So I'm trying to hear addict Leslie and understand what it is she really wants, and feed that aspect instead. So she apparently needs to say that she's out of sorts and felt jealous about someone helping a friend when she wanted to be the one to help. She felt stupid being afraid of the elevator this morning. She's frustrated that she didn't stay home and have a more relaxed morning rather than feeling compelled to go to the meeting when she woke up late. She knows she doesn't want to stay fat and miserable in an endless revolving door of bingeing and hating herself for it. She/I want to be strong, healthy, lean and in touch with who I am today and how I want my life to be. I want to make peace with food and eating and my body. So rather than jumping on the scale or shoving in a cake, I'm going to sit with myself in the discomfort and know that it will pass. Everything does.


  1. Wow, this was such a powerful post! Dr. Phil says that if you want to change a behavior, you must replace it with another behavior. You articulated many of the feelings in my own dual personality, and I have made attempts to fight the negative feelings, or to change what I'm doing if I feel compelled to do something. I.E., if I really want to binge-eat, then I take the dog for a walk, so that I'm away from the food in the house.

    There's a post that was made a while back by my blogging friend Sharon that she made after I was venting about my own feelings of duality. I strongly recommend you read it; it's a very powerful post: http://shrinkingsharon.blogspot.com/2009/08/us-unstoppable-sharon-does-not.html

    By the way, I've paid it forward and given you the Over the Top award as well. Just bask in its glory; no need to fulfill the "obligations" since you just did it. :)

    Keep it up, girlie! Proud o' you!! :D

  2. Leslie that last paragraph is so insightful. I had never looked at it that way.

    I hope the rest of your day is good.

  3. I know this post was to clear your head and help you but it also helps me. You are a great person, you are doing a great job with your struggles. I know you will overcome what is filling you head and fix it. You can do it .

  4. Hi Leslie. Sounds like you're facing all those things that come up when you're not giving in to the urge to eat - or weigh. And you're dealing with those thoughts - knowing that they are just thoughts. Processing them in a sensible way. AA has obviously given you some great tools for dealing with any addiction.

    Interesting to listen to the food addict inside and everything she's feeling. Seems like this is a useful way of processing all the "stuff" of the day and then letting go of it. As long as you keep letting it flow through you it can't stick in your head and cause problems.

    I think you're doing really well! Esp with resisting the scale.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  5. I really wish I could help you with the scale dilemma, but I weigh 3x/wk. I used to weigh 7 days a week when I first started. It took a couple of months to figure out how my body reacted to certain kinds/types/amounts of food, sodium, water, etc. Once I figured out that I can vary as much as 6-7 lbs in ONE WEEK...I stopped torturing myself. Now I weigh on Friday morning as my official weigh-in. Then again on Monday morning to see how bad I effed up the wknd, then again on Thursday morning to remind myself that I need to be "BY THE BOOK" all day long with the calories, tons of water, and a really good workout. :)