Monday, October 19, 2009


Yesterday (Sunday late afternoon) while I was at the AA anniversary party, my awesome endocrinologist called and left me a message telling me my biopsy is entirely benign!! I just need to see her once a year to stay tuned to my thyroid's apparent propensity for sprouting nodules. This thyroid drama has been going on since March, and while not the biggest deal in the world, it's been an offstage worry in my mind since. I'm thrilled, relieved and so grateful that she called on Sunday afternoon (docs can get results and stuff on their home computers now) so I don't have to be on pins and needles every time my cell phone rings today. I'm going to write her a note and tell her how great I think that was. So for now, my thyroid gland will continue to reside in my neck, rather than in a kickbucket on an operating room floor. Thanks for all your support and prayers about this. I literally did a dance of joy, and made my husband join me in said jig.

On the food front...several people commented that they would find it hard to bake the cake I did yesterday and not be tempted to eat it from batter licking to last crumb on plate. I did have one small piece at the party, and that was it. There were so many people that it got gobbled up pretty fast so there wasn't time for me to appropriate a sizeable hunk for myself, which I've certainly done many times before. It was utterly scrumptious and I had numerous requests for the recipe. It was so good that I'd never EVER make it for home. EVER. I'd be safer drinking an anthrax cocktail or eating arsenic pudding. I definitely ate more food at the party than I should have, as well as the housewarming I went to the night before where I dabbled in fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. Very risky behavior, but I made it through both occasions on the right side of in I didn't get triggered to come home and start rummaging the cupboards for bizarre combinations of sweets (since I keep nothing like that on hand now)to continue eating until I was "done". I couldn't even guess at how many times I've done that...too numerous to count.

I'm glad that the food events are over for now. How crazy is it to call those parties food events, I just realized!? One was a woman celebrating moving into a new home after her last one burned to the ground. The other was celebrating an AA meeting that has been going 7 days a week for 9 years. There was food served at both these gatherings - but the food wasn't the main event or the reason for either.

In my mind, food is how I've always framed life - from parties to meeting a friend at Starbucks for coffee. From holidays to cold weather days to hot weather days to spring days to baby showers and weddings, a kid getting an award, book club. I know that food is infused into the fabric of all aspects of day to day life. It's essential for survival, pleasurable, comforting, nourishing. But for me, food has always been the umbrella under which life happens. It's been the ground under me and the soft place I fall. Truth be told, since I gave up alcohol, it's been my major life strategy, and it was before I ever started drinking. Baby's first addiction.

I want that to change. I'll always love food and eating. But I want my relationship with food to change; I want to make peace with it. Last week on my first binge free day after the bad episode on Tuesday, I didn't want to eat dinner because I wasn't craving anything and wasn't even that hungry. I was afraid that as soon as I ate anything, even salad, the binge switch would get flipped. It came to me that in addition to loving food, needing it, using it to self medicate and cope, I'm also afraid of it at times. So I'm praying now for right relationship with food. By the way, I did eat a sane dinner that night and did not get triggered to binge, and I haven't since. That doesn't equal perfection, but it does give me hope that a right and sane relationship with food is possible for me.

Off to work now. My knee is still bothering me a bit, so I have to continue to abbreviate my working out; but I know the more important thing on which I need to stay focused is keeping my food clean and staying aware of potential food traps. Pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and notice when "the urge" hits. It'll hit for sure - sooner or later - and I want to be ready,


  1. Hi Mom,

    Thanks for the call this morning! Even if I sounded a little fuzzy, I'm just as excited about the good news as you are. And to be honest, even more excited that you're generally taking such good care of yourself and sharing it with the world.

    2 weeks?! Can you believe it?! It's time to start getting ready for the land of cold showers, endless catcalls, and taking a bit of coffee with your sugar. You'll see for yourself soon enough...

    I love you! Give Dad and Lou big hugs for me!


  2. I have a safe meal.

    And for me it is breakfast (real oatmeal and an egg white omelet).

    There have been times when I have eaten that meal three times in the same day - because I needed to be safe, didn't have a lot of time, or was not feeling well.

    But I do eat ALL my meals so that my blood sugar does not bottom out. I think that (blood sugar bottom out) triggers THE WANTS or panic or emotional melt downs.

    And you made me think of Little House on the Praire - because I think events now ARE all about food. They used to be about raising a barn, harvesting a large quantity of something - but they were about DOING something in mass. And now (I think) it is pretty much 100% about the food.

  3. To Vickie - Your safe meal is great, and one I use myself. Only difference, I have 1 egg and 2 egg whites along with the oatmeal.

    Yeah, I guess food is the main event at most gatherings. As well as cocktails :). When I think of that, food doesn't seem so serious! I used to love those open bars!

  4. Hi Leslie. Wonderful news on the thyroid and how considerate of your doc to ring you on Sunday.

    With regard to food - I hate it! I feel miserable over food. And frightened of it. It's a bl**dy nightmare.

    In the last 9 years (since breakdown) either I have been *doing* food or NOT doing food. Not doing food = eating identical food in identical amounts at the same times every day. No deviation at all. This means that I don't even need to think what I'm going to have - because that would be too dangerous. I'm able to just not think about it at all. And that is the only good place for me.

    This makes me sound completely messed up over it. But my poor little brain just can't cope with *fighting* it. So either I'm blocking it out completely or just eating chaotically/ everything in sight.

    At the moment I can't even consider making peace with food. Can't imagine it. And I think you need to have some concept of what that might be like before you can actually aim for it.

    Hope you're having a great Monday.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  5. Great news! I've kept you in my prayers!

  6. Coming from one who did lose her thyroid to the kickbucket, I'm happy that yours will stay intact!

    As for your relationship with food ... I hope you find peace with it.
    It's a pleasure to finally (well almost) be there myself.
    I find eating clean helps with the cravings tremendously.

    Hope the knee gets back to normal for you soon.

  7. That was REALLY nice of your doctor to call you on Sunday and I am very happy you got good news.

    About your dinner, if only I could NOT eat when I'm NOT hungry, I'd be much smaller than I am. I think I eat because I'm hungry only 50% of the time. The other is pure emotional.

    When the urge hits, (if it hits), you WILL be ready...and we'll be here too :-)

  8. All that positive thinking has paid off! *Patsy does the Happy Dance!*

    I'm so glad your results came back benign. Well done for keeping your bingeing under control, especially while you've been so stressed and in situations where you've been surrounded by trigger foods...

    Keep up the good work!

    Patsy :o)

  9. First I want to say, that's great news about your thyroid. I'm glad you get to keep it and that you'll no longer be stressed about that. :)

    Second, I want to say, man, I love food. I really do. I used to be a pretty picky eater, but I've been getting a lot better because I realize there are SO many good foods that I miss out on if I limit myself like that. And I love all kinds of food. I try to stick to mostly healthy stuff, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like cheesecake and french fries and tasty burgers and ice cream. It's all wonderful. But I love it so much, that I know how I need to treat it. Which is NOT like a drug. It's the same thing with alcohol, as I'm sure you know. I can enjoy alcohol, but as soon as I start having it too much, using it to control my moods, then I won't be able to have it anymore. So with food, I treat it right. Eat it slowly so I can really savor all its deliciousness. Do not overeat because then all that delicious food that I was enjoying so much turns into me feeling sick and cursing the food. I believe that all of these things have made it so I have a healthy relationship with food. I hope that you get there, too, in whatever way works for you. Because food's freaking great, and you should never be scared of it.

  10. Hi there.. First Congrats on the good news! That has to be of some great relief to you and your family.
    I do also like your positive attitude and your sense of humor as well. That is so helpful, especially when deal with all the temptation of foods.
    Realizing that we do have trigger foods that will destroy our progress and continue to lead us down a path we don't want to go, will help you out so much. I know one of the foods I have to stay away from is cheese. God I love that stuff. :-)
    I'll be back again real soon to read some more. Until thing keep up the good work you are doing for yourself.

  11. What a relief about your thyroid - great news.

    I feel the same about wanting to be at peace with food. The more I stay binge free, the better I feel. Social events are still tough. My goal is to attend all these events coming up and just hold a nice glass of water in my hand and try to focus on the people and not what food is being served. I just have to remind myself of the person I want to be - the person that I AM.

  12. Hey girl!!! Thanks for the tips about taking care of my knee..I appreciate that.

    I just got caught up on your last few posts. I love the one about God. He is the only reason I've made it this far...not only in my weight loss...but in my life. He has "saved" me in more ways than one, over and over, and I'm so thankful that he's my Father.

    I'm thrilled to hear that your thyroid is okey dokey...what a relief! I've been praying for you, and God answers prayer!

    I got my own lab results back tonight and will be posting about them tonight. It's good news!

    Glad you've made it so many days in a row w/o bingeing. I'd like to change my relationship with food as well. You know, I've been stressing about the holidays lately...but then I just stopped. Thanksgiving dinner is one day. Christmas has 2 or 3 dinners....but I'll come out of it okay. I have to keep telling myself that indulging a little extra on my most special holidays isn't going to undo all the good work I've already done. I'm forming habits, ones that will last. This is for life. It's allowed me to release the impending stress and actually start looking forward to them. That makes me happy. :)

  13. Leslie, great news on the thyroid, it must be a huge relief. Also, it is wonderful to hear that you have a number of binge free days, that is an accomplishment! Early on when I had the desire to binge, I would eat grapes or fruit, especially apples. You can only eat one or two apples and after all of that chewing, and I was done. My cousin who has been in recovery from her eating disorder for 30 years, suggested I take a hot bubble bath. There were a couple of times when I looked like a prune :). But it worked. Keep up the great work Leslie!

  14. Leslie,
    I am so happy for you about your test results. What a relief that must be! Hang in there! You have done so well--you are an inspiration!